The Road to Beautiful

This blog has MOVED!!!

2009-04-25T17:23:00.002-04:00

The journey continues folks...but not here on Blogspot!

You can find my new blog...including all of the posts and comments from this one over at wordpress. http://road2beautiful.wordpress.com/

See ya there!

Photo update and other ramblings

2009-04-24T21:57:00.003-04:00

I think I look skinny here...ok skinny is relative...but seriously!

This shirt I am wearing here, I bought one week ago for a Rock Band Party, in which I wanted to dress in rocker attire! I think I did a decent job...hehehe or at least I had fun! The wig is an official Hannah Montana wig! Anyway, the point of pointing out the shirt is that I put the shirt on today since it was soo blazing hot outside and I have precious little to wear these days...and well...it is ALREADY getting looser on me! Woot! Woot!

I started my new job this week! Well, I started working outside of the training room anyway! I am officially a US Census Bureau Lister....which means I go around and systematically canvass every house in a given area and map every house, or what COULD BE a house! In 3 days I have walked 36 miles! Yes, I walked it! Today, I came home after 7 hours for a break and some lunch and was NOT sure I would be able to go back out...my feet were aching...surprisingly though after a bit of a break, I was able to go out and go pretty strong until almost 9 PM tonight! I am looking forward to not walking long distances for the next two days! Don't worry Aaron and Coach, I will figure in some other kind of workout that does NOT include walking!

I had another random thought...but I am fading fast here...oh well....Oh yes....eating. I have been pretty good on eating...staying within calories...the only thing I am NOT doing is eating more regularly. I eat breakfast, at some point break and grab lunch, then when I get home at approx 9 I eat dinner....and not really factoring in snacks and things...

I am looking forward to seeing what all this walking does for me on Tuesday! Seriously, if this is not a 5 lb loss week I might be upset! I have noticed that by the end of the day, my hands and feet are swollen, so I know I am retaining water....I hope that doesn't happen for the weigh in...any suggestions people on how to make that NOT happen? I am tempted to not work Monday...just to be sure that doesn't happen...but then that will screw me for the rest of the week and it will end up being another week like this one...mass hours in a short time frame!

Ok Goodnight! Much to do before I sleep....much to do before I sleep!

Grrrrr...I hate how when I post pictures....my paragraphs disappear and it looks like one long run-on paragraph.....another reason to switch to wordpress!!! Soon friends...soon!

Not Meant to Be ALone

2009-04-21T18:23:00.003-04:00

A few years back there lived a man named Adam. ( no, no , no not the Adam who has been referenced here before!)

Now where was I? Oh yes...a man named Adam. He was given much responsibility and instructions on how to live out his life here on earth. He had purpose and direction, but somehow that wasn't good enough, so his Father found him a woman, a helpmate named Eve. Someone to share life with.

While this story is most often associated with a husband and wife theme....and I am most definitely NOT married yet at my ripe old age of 32 :-)...I think I can still relate to this. In a general sense we (humans) are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to walk through life alone, through all the hills or the valleys. We are created for community! Despite what our society teaches us, we are NOT supposed to be completely independent, fully self-sufficient beings going about life without the help, support and encouragement of others. This does not mean we get to be irresponsible either though!

I know this!

I believe this!

I will spout this truth off to anyone who tries to hold me at bay and not let me walk through life with them or help them reach their goals in some way, if it is within my power to do so.

So why do I like to be so doggone independent and stubborn and self-sufficient. I simply squirm at the idea/thought of needing/accepting help. I have thought about this subject off and on for some time now. This past week, this idea of dependence came up yet again as I needed help.

Now, let me just say....I am far, far, FAR better at letting people help me than ever before. I used to never even let others know I needed help, even if they directly asked me!

So here is what happened. I locked my keys in my trunk as I was packing my car and leaving for church, followed by lunch with friends then back to Detroit for my nephews baptism. In my mind, the only possibility was to skip church, get a tow truck out to unlock my doors, so I could access my trunk, so I could meet the friends for lunch at least.

I called Adam (back to current reality folks, not ancient history), since I was supposed to be saving a seat for him, to let him know I wouldn't be there. His plan was to pick me up for church and we would see what possibilities opened up for lunch/opening my doors after church. Umm ok. This is generally not a big deal. When I lived in GR, we would often ride to church together. But somehow, because it was a NEED now...I felt weird about it. As if somehow this time, it would be putting him out to do this.

I never said my thoughts would be rational, folks!

After church, we met up with the above friends...with my plan being to tell them that I would not be meeting them for lunch because I needed to take care of the car to ensure I get on the road in time to be back for the nephews big day! Adam didn't plan on staying for lunch, so my ride back was with him. In comes Todd and John who suggest the following.

1. Adam goes to lunch...afterall...he has to eat, right? Adam agrees only because lunch would be Jet's Pizza, and well he likes the people he would be with...and they would't take no for an answer!

2. Todd and John would drive up and try to coat hanger my doors open, get my keys and drive my car back to me...problem would then be solved. Worse case scenario, I still leave with Adam but no later than 2:30.

Ummm ok....although this again leaves me slightly uncomfortable...as my car is a good 20 minutes away from church and in the opposite direction of anyone but Adam. Again the whole thought of being a burden tries to slip in, despite the fact that I did not ask them to do this, they kind of told me that is what would happen....and really if Adam had not agreed to lunch, they would then drive me back to my car later!

They couldn't get in. So in general I feel bad that these guys missed out on time with the group. Again folks, I never said this would be rational.

Moving on....Adam and I leave. He drops me at my car just as the tow truck shows up to open my car. The car is opened but I cannot access my truck. My door locks won't work for some reason....and ultimately we couldn't access my trunk from the back seats either because there is a latch that needs to be pulled to release them...in the trunk!

SO Virg (former roommie)and I are tossing around options and I am just thinking that I will have to miss the nephews big day and go to a dealership or locksmith on Monday to get my doors opened. In the meantime, I texted Adam to let him know what was up, cuz that is just what I do.

He calls immediately and tells me I can TAKE HIS CAR to Detroit for the night so I can get to the baptism...and deal with the car during business hours. I would let him know. Ultimately this is what happened, but not without more of those irrational conversations in my head.

Now at this point, I am realizing a theme here. Every bit of the day has been a day of relying on others to get to the next thing or be a part of what is happening. I know I am fairly independent and that I don't like having to rely on others for help. I am far better though. At least now, I just have the thoughts but still allow others to help and on occasion I have even been known to actually ask for help!

Someone once said to me, possibly Aaron, that when I ask for help it is like an invitation into my life. When I think about that and how I feel when someone asks me for help it is like that. It is such a JOY to help and to be invited into their space! On the flip side, when I find out that someone could have used my help and they didn't ask because they thought I might feel put out, I feel robbed. I never want to rob someone of the joy of helping. Of being the gift that they are to this world, to me. I don't want to be a thief!

But more, I don't want to be alone, married or not...so I will keep choosing to put the irrational thoughts out of my head, and accept help when it is offered, ask when it is not and it is needed, and ultimately live life in community....whether it is car troubles or weight struggles or any other kind of struggle...we are not meant to live life alone.

Oh and weigh in results....gained 1.2. No worries though...I had soy sauce yesterday....and regardless I know I did the work. If I honestly did the work and gained a little, I am not gonna freak out! I will just keep going and take care of it next week! (Yikes! does that sniff of whole health or what?)

Anticipation...and other Thoughts

2009-04-20T20:14:00.004-04:00

I am excited for my weigh in tomorrow, yet trying to not be overly so! I am 3.8 LBS from being under 300. So, if I lose 4 lbs this week....I will have a preceding 2 instead of a 3. I KNOW that this is completely possible. I have worked out 4 days this week. I have eaten well and within calorie ranges the whole time. I have not gone off track at all since Last Monday(ok, I might have gone a little over on Saturday...I had some beer). 50 LBS was a huge milestone! This is another one!

While I really would love to hit this milestone this week, I know that it is also possible that I won't. Not for lack of effort but simply because the body does strange things at times. SO basically, I am not expecting 4 lbs this week. I am not expecting to hit it....but man I sure am hoping!

In other news, I spent a lovely weekend in GR this past weekend. I had already been thinking about going, but then someone asked me how I was going to reward myself for my 50 lbs. There is no better reward at this point in the game for me than to spend time with my friends in GR. So I went! It turned out quite eventful!

Downtown Chalk Art Event- This was so much fun! I went with my friend Jonny D and we decided that a crime scene was in order to be drawn....by the police station and in an alley! But the best part was the camaraderie and sense of community as people from all walks and stations in life came together into the heart of this great city with one purpose...to cover the city streets in chalk! It was neat to walk down the streets, looking at the creations of others, to make eye contact with dozens of people and not simply exchange a terse nod or a "I don't really care kind of hello" but rather to engage in conversation with strangers! I loved it!

Rock Band- A few friends gathered to play Rock Band. Yes I am 32 years old. I have never really been a huge video gamer outside of the original Super Mario Brothers that came out when I was 10 or so years old, but I LOVE this one! Probably because you really do play it TOGETHER! You laugh with and at those that you are playing with. I KNOW that I cannot sing Wanted Dead or Alive...and really shouldn't attempt it...but in this atmosphere....who cares....it is all fun!

On Sunday I locked my keys in my trunk as I was loading my car and getting ready for church. Fortunately, kind Adam picked me up for church and I figured I would skip lunch with a few friends so I can make sure I get my car keys back in time to be back in Detroit for my 9 yr old nephews Baptism. Well, we ended up having lunch with friends...so lovely...then I went back to my car to figure that out.

To make a long story short...(as if that is possible for me) I got into my car but could not access the trunk. My trunk unlock button wouldn't work. I can only assume it is because neither the key nor the remote opened the doors. I couldn't climb through the back seats that DO fold down, because there is a release latch that needs to be pulled for them to fold down....which is in the trunk!

I was getting anxious now and thinking I would end up missing Gavin's Baptism. This is my first nephew to be baptized and it is awesome how at 9 years old he decided on his own that he wanted to be....another long story...suffice it to say I really really did not want to miss this!

In the end...I had a superhero step in. Adam gave me his car for the night. I could make it....if I left super quickly and bring his car back today (Monday), at which time I would continue figuring out how to get into my trunk! Adam is the hero for the day! I am incredibly grateful for him and his generosity!

In the end, my keys are out of the trunk and I have a spare that will unlock my doors if I ever lock them in again! I think I am going to make another one...and keep one in GR with my friends there and one in Detroit. I don't lose my keys...I just lock them in my car!!!

So that was my eventful evening. I will be posting soon about Dependence....as that is what God is being loud about these days and it had a spot lot put on it with this whole car key thing!

Current Goal List!

2009-04-16T00:13:00.003-04:00

My goal list widget is frustrating me. I can see it fine. I can check things off of it perfectly. As far as I have been concerned it was working fine. Except you all have no idea what my goals are....nor can you celebrate as I check things off, unless of course if I blog specifically about something.

So just so you have SOME idea of what is on there until I figure that out....here is my current complete list of goals. (I may end up moving my blog to wordpress if I cannot figure this and a few other things out!)

Lose 25 LBS COMPLETE
Lose 50 LBS COMPLETE!!!!!
Lose 75 LBS by June 12th
Lose 100 LBS
unpack and wear the smaller sizes COMPLETE
HAVE to buy new clothes ALMOST there...smaller sizes are getting me by
complete a ropes course
Do 2 legs of a triathlon
LOSE 125 LBS
Lose 150 LBS
Lose 175 LBS
Lose 200 LBS...reach maintenance level
Be able to borrow someone else's clothes
Run 5K straight by end of summer 2009
Complete a full triathlon...by myself
SKYDIVING
Sweat Like Coach!
Wear Adam's snow pants

And then of course there are the ones Adam added to my list for me. So these are Adam's goals for me.

white water rafting/kayaking (sure why not!)
skiing with Adam-he says he will teach me!
solo sail around the world-I will not do this...unless I can take someone with me...too lonely!
go BASE jumping-umm no thanks
play rock band drums on expert (this will be checked off this weekend....fortunately he did not specify what % I needed to get correct!)
Play the trumpet- I have done this....in Jr. High...but he/I want to learn again...and then I have to play for him...I can do this!
do a flip off the diving board....YIKES...we will see
Clean the Medema Mansion-Been there done that...he is just trying to get out of chores!
do a handstand-he didn't specify land or water..so I say I this is COMPLETE!
go surfing
lay on a bed of nails- um no...you first
walk across burning coals- again..you first Adam!
blow bubbles- Bubbles will be blown this weekend!
tight rope walk the Grand Canyon- as long as I can be harnessed in and have a rope above and below me...ok

The big 5-0!

2009-04-14T19:38:00.002-04:00

Well, it has been a crazy dark week. But Sunday I began making some actual progress on my climb out of a very steep, black hole and by Monday after a day of fasting was able to hoist my leg over the edge and just HANG ON!

I even managed to work out yesterday! Did a 2 mile run/walk (which I am sad to say I have not worked out in a little bit) followed by a lap of walking lunges....I have never done this, but figured I should try and do SOMETHING for a strength workout. My thighs BURNED!!!! Then I walked another couple laps until the track closed. I felt great and while I was tempted to go an nibble...just a bite of what mom made for dinner. I held strong to my fast. 1. Because i refused to give in ....again. 2. Because I HATE what mom made for dinner last night....it is the worst tasting and least healthy meal on earth! Thank God she didn't make my favorite meal, it would have been harder to stand firm!

Today I woke up, rather grumpily and with a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am not sure if the nausea was from not falling asleep until after midnight and having to be up at 6:30. Or because I was soo hungry from fasting. Or if it was nerves for my weigh in. I am thinking it was a combination of all 3 things. Regardless, I wen to my weigh in the whole way wondering if there is a way to legitimately procrastinate this...and yet not wanting to do that either. I stepped on the scale and was SHOCKED to see 303.8. A loss??? What???

"Hey scale! Do you know that umm I didn't exercise but one day last week? or that I ate horribly and was constantly starting over?"

For the record the scale did not respond. I stayed on the scale an extra long time though because I kind of thought that maybe it just wasn't done moving up. You know like maybe the numbers got stuck for a second and would keep moving again in a minute or so? Well if they were stuck, they were stuck good. I even got off and on again...just in case you know!

So, for the record. I must not have done as bad as I thought eating wise, despite the amount of battling inside. Perhaps I won more battles than I lost??? Sure didn't feel like it...but I guess this is where the scale feedback comes in. I lost 3.2 lbs this week. and have officially reached my 50 LB milestone!

YIPPEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORRAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

Now, to get under 300...then on to 75 lbs! Can I do 75 by June 12th? (first wedding of the season?)

Just Couldn't Shake It!

2009-04-13T17:51:00.003-04:00

Some of you have been wondering where I have been since my last post. I have gotten the emails! For those of you that saw my highly positive posts for the first 10 weeks of 2009, you might have begun to wonder if I ever had a bad day or a "rough patch". Well, this past week should be enough to know that yes I am indeed human. I do fail and fail miserably. Or as one might say...fail magnificently!

It has been a really rough week. For the first time in a really long time...possibly as far back as November, I went "driving for food". I started out going to get a movie to match my already dark mood and every single convenience store, fast food place, and gas station was calling out to me...to just stop in and see what they had. Fortunately, I managed to keep the car heading straight despite the almost physical pulling of the wheel to turn in. I actually only stopped one place and exercised some measure of restraint. I WANTED to get a whole meal deal super sized plus ice cream! I ended up with one ice cream cone. Ice cream in hand I headed to the video store for my "dark" movie. Upon entering the store with said ice cream in hand...I got a text message from Aaron. Sadly, I ignored it until the ice cream cone was gone. Only to see a message that reminded me to keep my vision in front of me. GRRRR...

In the grand scheme of things, one frozen yogurt from McD's is not all that bad actually. What makes it bad for me is that it was solely an attempt to feed the darkness in my soul. It has been a long time since it has been this bad, I truly forgot how bad it could get when all I want to do is numb out and STOP FEELING. Yet, I also know that isn't what I want to do either. Feeling things means I am alive and well and healthy!

SO I spent a few days, each day trying again to make good choices to start afresh again and again...each time failing. It began to get so overwhelming and even more depressing. I am better than this, right? Stronger than this, right? I know what to do but is it really just a matter of making a choice to eat right? I think sometimes the choice is to just keep getting up. Even if you only stay up for 2 seconds before getting knocked down again.

Sunday, I knew might be rough, given my lingering mood. Holiday meal with family. Family who all now know about my weight loss efforts thanks to the Pound for a Cause fundraiser. While I don't regret saying yes to this, it does add pressure. In the end, there really wasn't anything healthy served, it was one of our typical family meals. But outside of that, the day started with mom being food police there making several comments about what I am allowed to have or should/shouldn't have until I finally looked at her and just told her to "shut up". Yes, I told my mom to shut up, in those words. We have already had this conversation about her not being my food police, so I feel justified. I may be wrong, but for now I feel justified.

As for quantity of food I did ok. But I have no idea about calories. In fact, I have no idea about actual calorie intake for the last week or so. While I was back and forth to GR, I wasn't logging in my spreadsheet but I was at least keeping a mental tally. This past bit, I just didn't.

I know this is depressing to read, but I feel a bit like this is a time for confession. Own it all, and keep going...again.

SO last night I made a decision. I am tired of the dark mood controlling me. Enough is Enough already! This madness has got to stop! I decided that on Monday (today) I would fast. I would fast and get the crappy foods out of me for at least one day. Then begin again on Tuesday. So far so good. While I am hungry and was tempted by the little danish things they had at my Census Bureau Training today, I am doing good. I feel more in control, like I have a fighting chance now! I think it helps my mood as well to have something productive to do that will bring in money. I have purpose again...at least for 4-6 weeks.

Tomorrow I weigh in. I have no expectations but am sure I will be disappointed if I I miss the 50 lb milestone again. Hopefully, the disappointment won't be all consuming again. Reality says I should consider myself lucky if I hold steady. We will see. I have to admit, I have been tempted to "forget" to go and therefore giving myself an extra day. So instead of falling prey to that little demon, I called the Dr.'s office where I weigh in. They open at 7:30 AM. If I want a morning weigh in or to weigh in before I eat anything, I must be there by 8 AM...otherwise I have to wait and go after my training...at 5:30 PM. I would rather weigh in with nothing in me. So....tomorrow morning it will be.

For now, I am going to change out of my work clothes and go to the local track and see if I can't walk/run something off of me.

This is me....getting up again for about the 100th time in a week...

Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night!

2009-04-09T14:07:00.005-04:00

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Poem by Dylan Thomas

My translation: DO not give up!

My Response: Never! I might get wounded and have to limp along for a bit. I might fall down and need some serious help to get back up, I might need someone else to lead the way for a bit, but I won't give up!

Meltdown Mania!

2009-04-08T01:14:00.003-04:00

I had a meltdown today folks. A serious one...crying, sobbing really. Today should have been the day that I could write in here and shout from the rooftops that I have reached a milestone. That I had lost 50 LBS! Today should have been a day of celebration and victory. Instead, I had to text my guys, who have been excitedly waiting for this as well, news of a gain. Instead I am here to say I gained .5 a lb. I know, in the grand scheme of things .5 lb is not much. It is really small potatoes and does not change the fact that I have lost 49 lbs. But it is not the news I wanted to share.

The crux of the meltdown came with the fear that perhaps this time really ISN'T different. That perhaps I have not grown, changed, or been healed enough, to go farther than I have before. I have never made it past 60 lbs in any single attempt at weight loss. Fear, disappoint, discouragement. My wonky thoughts were back in full force, screaming that I can't do this! That I don't have what it takes!

Faintly in the background I could hear Coach shouting that I am still in transition...this time IS different...you can Do this Thang! You are learning what is gonna work for you there. But those other voices were far louder. Most of all of me was feeling like, I am on a downward spiral. This is how my stalling out happened "the last time". Small gain here, hold steady there, even a loss thrown in now and then. I don't want to believe the voices that say I am giving up just like last time. That I am getting scared (of what I don't know, but fear is there) and starting my slipping away.

Still in the background, I can hear Aaron saying things like, stay connected...I believe in you. You are making such an impact. But again those other voices were far louder.

I do not want those voices to win. I do not want fear to win again. But I have to admit, part of me is feeling great pressure. Between the fundraiser I wrote about and my own expectations it is feeling overwhelming.

Here is what Aaron said to me that really started to break through those other voices. All of my positive self talk was NOT working, when he said this (gosh Aaron, I hope you don't mind that I publish your words so often, but you say such wise things that so many can be encouraged by)

"While hoping for the milestone, I wasn't surprised about the gain. Not at ALL because I didn't believe in you but because the stakes in this are continually being raised and I'm sure the enemy is on full alert doing whatever he can to stop this. You and your impact, Kim L are a fork in the devil's eye because he stands opposed to the tidal wave of healing and goodness that you and your journey represent. The lies, self-talk, and other bullshit are all attempts to halt or divert you from the exponential impact you are having bringing heaven to earth. The devil is trying to put YOU in a box, silly him!!! This is war and it won't be easy, but oh how much greater is HE that is within you than he that is in the world. Feel and believe that!"

Email is often a poor way to share an emotion, but as I read these words the first time and many times over today, I could feel the passion in his words...it is as if Truth was fighting to be heard in my head and heart, over the other wonky voices screaming in my head, all the way from GR. It was heard Aaron, loud and clear, and oh so true. I have been fighting soo hard to not box myself in. Working hard to not live in such a way that I am safe all the time. A life worth living involves risk and courage. I refuse to let someone else box me in, especially the slimy devil who is just out to protect himself! I refuse to give in to the bullshit lies! I just may need help deciphering the lies from truth from time to time.

Tonight I was talking to Teresa and she said something about not looking too far ahead. But just looking at today. It resonated. I have been looking at 178 lbs to go, 50 goals on my goal list-ok maybe not 50 but at least 25, I have been seeing the pressure of the fundraiser, wondering where my TBL video is gonna go, if not on the show, and what am I gonna do about a job!! That is a lot of pressure folks! Sooo I am gonna try this method of thinking and see how it works. For now...all I have to do is eat well and exercise today. TODAY. I can decide again tomorrow to go again. This reminds me of the scripture that says, "DO not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." Perhaps I should try and follow the wisdom of the Bible for a change!:-)

I am grateful that I have friends willing to get loud for me, willing to fight for me when I cannot fight for myself, cuz I am just bogged down. I am glad that they don't give up on me or think I am too much. Friends who are willing to just listen and understand like no other and who won't let me take any shit from anybody! (thanks JG and AM for today!) The wonky voices are still there, but not as loud as the Truth voices anymore. I can fight for one more day...at least!

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make. (what am I gonna do today, to make me feel proud?)

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray (Thank God for His provision in this...He has set me up to win, how can I fail?)

I am!

2009-04-04T12:07:00.000-04:00

I started out with a blog post that talked of who I am despite the body or shell that holds me. For some odd reason, I sent it on to a couple of people as a preview and got some really good feedback. The feedback I heard was that if I separate me from my body, the story is incomplete. Some might make judgements when they see my body that I am lazy, tired, uneducated, bitter, angry, lonely, sad, or unworthy. Oh how wrong those judgments would be. They are incomplete. While I have been those things at times and probably will experience those things again in my lifetime, it is not the whole picture. I am more than just my body, but my body does tell part of the story of me.

I started out my other post talking about an image I had of me, during filming, doing a standing climb on a spin bike in my sports bra and tight shorts, in front of 4 men and actually finding the image beautiful. Yet, I still continued to separate myself from it and make it not me. Fascinating friends, fascinating. Because my thoughts about the girl in the photo were and still are....beautiful, powerful, strong, courageous, amazing, inspiring, happy, focused, determined, well loved...fascinating how I separated myself from that and only associated myself with the negative judgments one might make about a fat girl. I was encouraged to sit with owning my body as me for a bit. What an amazing experience to sit with that for a bit, imagining that photo and slowly but surely coming to grips with it being me, not some random photo of some other girl, but me. In spite of the fact that my body does not look the way I want it to look (yet), it is still me. The me now...as I am...

I have been reminded my body does reflect part of my story. My past story, past decisions that were made for me and by me, past hurts and betrayals, and even past joys. AND it reflects my current decisions, my healing and the work yet to be done. What you see is not always what you get. What you see..is just the starting point to inquire and learn more.

With that said...

I AM

I am ....
both a little girl and a grown woman.
longing to be known and loved.
deserving to be known and loved.
known and loved.

I am...
beautiful and gracious
forgiving and compassionate
motivated and determined
more than merely surviving.

I am ...
powerful and strong
a wounded survivor
with a grateful heart
and an indomitable spirit.

I am ...
an Aunt and a Sister
A daughter and a friend
a future wife and mother
A woman created for relationship.

I am ...
a runner and a spinner
a swimmer and a biker
an athlete, no, a triathlete
breaking free.

I am...ME!

But there is more...oh so much more

I have...
dreams waiting to happen
stories ready to be told
truths worth sharing
Love ready to be given.

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make.

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray

I have...
hope for today and tomorrow too
Peace within me
Mercy raining down on me
Grace sustaining me.

I have...
working hands and feet
propelling me on each day
Victory is within my reach
more healing to be had.

Losing for Life!

2009-04-02T21:57:00.006-04:00

A couple weeks ago, my cousin called me up while I was out with friends and started talking about TBL, my weight loss, the Pound for Pound Challenge and a Pregnancy Resource Center that her mom works at. Somehow, she combined all of these things and started talking about how for every pound I lose, she is going to donate $1 to the AAA Pregnancy Resource Center. My response? Uummm ok, great!?!!! She proceeded to talk (mind you I was sitting in a bar, having a beer with friends and was only partially hearing all of what she was saying!). She went on to talk about a Facebook Group and how she wants to invite all of her friends and family (which is also MY family) to join her in this. My response....umm ok...but hey I gotta go, we will talk more tomorrow...

I hung up the phone and realized what I just said yes to! My weight loss journey is about to become far more public than ever before. It is one thing to have this blog, where sure it is technically open to the whole world, but it is very limited still as far as who in my "real" world knows about it and still to this day, my brother is the only family to know about it! I wasn't sure exactly how this would work, but I did know that this organization was now going to be depending on my weight loss for a portion of their funding. Talk about significance! OK! So I SAY I want to make a difference...and then it is like God saying..."Game on!"

The next morning, this Facebook Group was up and running. It took me a week and a half to invite my friends to it and I am just now writing about it on here. And today, I was doing my first official weigh in for this challenge? I am not sure what to call it. So, in addition to writing here, I will be posting in the FB group, and once a month I will be posting a picture of the scale on the FB group! Craziness!! Who knew that my weight loss would ever become something bigger than me and about something more than me! SO here we go!

Today I went to visit this Pregnancy Resource Center. One because I was invited by my Aunt and secondly because I thought I should have a better understanding of what they do...for when I want to give up! I am in awe of what they do. I got to see my Aunt's face light up as she talked about all that she does there, the women that come in, and they get to help them make the best possible choice.

Often times places such as this are villianized as a place that uses strong arm tactics or scare tactics to convince women that they should never have an abortion. While this organization promotes abstinence and does not advocate or give any kind of referral for abortion, they do not use gruesome photos of aborted fetuses or even gruesome descriptions of the abortion process to dissuade women from this choice. Instead, they step in and walk along side a woman, always recognizing the choice they have to make is never, ever easy. It is not something to be taken lightly or without careful consideration. They provide free counseling, education, pregnancy tests, and even sonograms. They have a store filled with all the necessities a child would need. Diapers, wipes, clothing, car seats, swings, formula, shoes, etc. They even have gas cards if there is cash available to purchase them. All of these things are purchased with tokens provided by the center. The tokens are earned by taking classes on things such as parenting skills, breast-feeding, money management and budgeting. They can also earn tokens for completing Bible Studies or going to a church service of their choice.

Here is the amazing thing. ALL of this is provided through donations. There is no federal or state funding available for this organization. I imagine there could be, if they were willing to compromise their values, but since they are not it is all run off of donations and volunteers. There are only 3 paid staff and 2 of those are part time. There are at least 20 regular volunteers who help organize the donations, staff the store, teach classes, provide counseling, and answer phones. As for funding, much of their funding comes from individuals and churches who support their work. But much of it comes from their "bottle drives". They pass out baby bottles and have people fill them with their change. Often churches will have diaper drives or "baby showers" to help restock the store. All of this is soo incredible!

While there I saw one woman come in with her young child. She apparently has a hard time understanding the bible, so she has been allowed to watch videos on the Bible for her Bible studies. She was soo excited to have recently watched a video about prayer and was telling my Aunt that she was disappointed that they couldn't find the video on Matthew last time she was in. The women who come here are varied. Some are married others are not. Some are lower income and need the resources this place provides. Others are in crisis and need to make some really hard decisions. But all of them, regardless of their status or station in life, need someone to listen to them, to walk with them, and to not judge them. They all at some point may need a hug or a hand, and there is an army of volunteers ready to offer that and so much more.

I know this is long but I wanted to tell you about this amazing organization and the hope that it is providing. If you are on Facebook, and are interested in joining this group, look up "pound for a cause, just a dollar!" You can choose to donate less than a dollar if you need to. Even a quarter per pound lost would be an end result of almost 45 dollars when I reach my goal weight! $45 for the Center will provide almost 5 $10 gas cards. or 8 $5 gift cards for the local consignment shop. SO it makes a difference. If you are not on FB, you of course see my weight loss updates and can go directly to the Center website and donate that way!

Ok so here are some pictures that I took today then I am done with this post!!

Aunt Jan with 2 volunteers in the store!

Some of the books/videos available for "sale" in the store!

A couple volunteers, busy counting and prepping the inventory, eventually a couple ladies came in to "shop" with their tokens!

On the right are things like shoes and onsies packaged into sets of 3 or baggies of socks or bibs.

A local church just did their annual diaper drive. While diapers are stacked floor to ceiling on this wall as well as the opposing wall...and more in my aunts office plus the stock that is already in the store, in about 2 months this supply will be depleted and they will be scrambling for more!

This is a primary source of the Center's Funding. While there, a local ministry brought these in. There are probably 50 bottles in here full of change ready to be counted and spent!

Here is one last crazy thing that just shows the desperate need of this ministry in this place at this time in history. About 1 mile away is another kind of crisis pregnancy center. This one actually provides abortions. Last year, this place was cited for improper disposal of "medical waste". This medical waste was not used syringes or bloody bandages. But rather it was aborted fetuses. I am not going to describe what I saw in the newspaper article that I read about this finding, but let me just say it was clearly not just a blob of tissue. If the Center that my Aunt works at was not there, there would not be an alternative that not only educates but walks with a woman as she lives out her choice!

Reality Check!

2009-04-02T19:59:00.004-04:00

AS I said in my last post, the last few weeks have been filled with travelling and not eating the best and not much exercise to even make up for it. I think the worst thing I did with my eating was to not eat as regularly as I should and skipping meals completely. It is because I skipped alot of meals that I know I did not go over calories.

My plan was to weigh in yesterday, but I got a later start leaving Grand Rapids....yes I always procrastinate my departure...and well, I don't like to eat anything before I weigh in. So, it was noon before I even made it to Aaron's office to deliver a coffee and say bye to him...and he very gently (as is his way) asked me if I was still planning not to eat until after I weighed in! (which would put my first meal of the day after 3 PM!). Nope, not planning to do that anymore...so I stopped and had lunch with Carol...then headed home. Of course, then I did not want to weigh in with food in me....do you see my procrastination???? I was very nervous about how bad my last few weeks were going to show on the scale!

SO this morning, I was procrastinating once again, but still moving towards getting ready to go out to weigh in when I received a text from Aaron...wondering where the scale update was!! All right! All right!! Already! I will move faster!

All that to say, I weighed in today for the first time since my gain of 1.4 lbs and found I had lost 2 LBS. I was quite surprised! I got off the scale and then got back on! It read the same thing! I couldn't believe it! It is interesting....all my talk about how the scale is just a tool for feedback. Completely unbiased honest feedback...and yet I still fear it at times...guess that is one more idol that needs to keep being brought back down to the low place it deserves, even when it gives me numbers I like!

I am now .5 lbs from hitting 50 LBS!! Come on Tuesday!!! I am excited because on my weight loss ticker in my sidebar...I am now far enough away from my starting weight that you can read all 3 numbers...starting weight, current weight, and goal weight!! Before you wouldn't have known there was a starting weight, then it overlapped it and didn't know what it was!! Very fun!!

WOW! Need to Assess...and update!

2009-03-31T17:04:00.003-04:00

Oh My word!!! I was thinking it is time to do a blog again, but with an update on where I am weight/exercise wise, then Adam went and added a bunch of goals to my goal list, which I feel need some explaining/refuting/or checking off, and then just a plain old update of all the excitement/thoughts since last Wednesday,...been alot of stuff going on...so you might want to go grab a bottle of water, perhaps an apple and settle in for a long read! Don't let me forget about the "pound for a cause" thingy!

Let's start with the fitness/food/exercise update. The last time I wrote about this, I had gained for the first time in 2009. I have not weighed in since then. Fortunately, this has not been ad avoidance thing. It was a practical thing. Since weighing in last, I have been in GR, more than I have been home. I have actually only been home for 2 days so my regularly appointed scale was not available to me. My plan is to weigh in tomorrow when I get home. IN fact, I will get up and go back to the "D" and go straight to the scale and see where I am at. One would think I would be nervous about this as I have not been counting calories, although I am quite certain 95% of the time I did not go over calories. I have sucked at eating "regularly" often going far to long between meals or skipping meals completely. And since often others were cooking for me or I was eating out, counting just became far too much of a chore and I got lazy. On top of that, my exercise has not been regular. Lots of excuses really. It turned cold again...and who wants to run in the cold? And I can't get into my old Y because they have a new policy about guests. All this to say, I hope I have held steady...but I will take whatever it is like a man...and go again. I am actually looking forward to getting home and re-establishing the routine I had just begun to get a grasp on before I started all this travelling back and forth. SO that is that! Not beating myself up, just looking at reality and preparing to go strong....and hit that 50 LB mark next week....for DANG SURE!!!

NOW, I don't know if any of you actually pay attention to my goal list on my sidebar...but if you do...you will notice that last night it grew!! By almost 15! Adam had my computer and we were talking about skiing next year and we discovered that wasn't on the list...so I had him add it. Well, he went a bit overboard and decided to make up some goals for me as well. But since somehow I think I agreed to keep these up here for a week, I feel the need to explain them in some way!

solo sail around the world-while this would be fun....I would get far too lonely, so not gonna happen!

go BASE jumping-Umm Nope, not unless he does it with me! And he is a chicken so it also not likely to happen!

play rock band drums on expert-LOL, if you all only knew how bad I was at drums! I can not even clap on beat at church, so Rock Band Drums on Easy is hilarious let alone Expert!! But this I will attempt...Besides, attempting means I come back to GR for the opportunity! Have a Rock Band Party...I will come!

play the trumpet-Been there done that...back in Jr. High...But I will learn again...soon...and play for him...although since he is an expert player (tongue in cheek) I am sure I will be quite intimidated!

do a flip off the diving board-I do not jump off of things...including diving boards...so doing a flip will be a feat...I will agree to this one!

clean the Medema Mansion-Have done this before. (this is his home, so that is why he wants me to clean it!)

do a handstand-Adam you left the pool early on filming day..I did this...and have it on video!!! Snooze you lose my friend!

go surfing-might be fun...we will see

lay on a bed of nails-He is nuts! I do not like pain without a purpose...there is no purpose in this!

walk across burning coals-see bed of nails!

blow bubbles-So are you saying Adam I need to be like a child again? Not a problem! Will you blow with me?

tight rope walk the Grand Canyon-You first!!!

OK, this is longer than I thought...I will update you on the TV commercial, the fundraiser, and umm my weigh in tomorrow!

Red Carpet Photo Extravaganza!

2009-03-26T14:18:00.006-04:00

These are not in any particular order....just whatever order they uploaded in....
On the catwalk, I think I just realized that "I'm too Sexy" is what is being played! SO of course I had to do my little turn on the catwalk, yeaahhh!

Aaron is attempting to pop the bubbly as I think I am beginning to see the lies! lies! lies! that have been told or at least truths withheld as they pulled together this surprise!

Some of the paparazzi!

And here is the tiara and boa! I think the flowers are on the counter next to my right arm!!

Me and my friend Jason...apparently at the end of the Red Carpet, and it looks like I am burning it up!!

Listening to Coach as he toasts me and my "ever increasingly smaller ass"! (His favorite thing to say to me!)

All the glasses...and see that gorgeous woman...that is the script director extraordinaire(RD) and ABS, who have spent I don't KNOW how many hours putting all this together!! and of course Aaron.

This is ABS, the most amazing cinematographer, producer, creative genius, I have ever met...ok he is the only one I have ever met and known, but still!! He has such a way of making me feel comfortable in front of a camera...as comfortable as one who is not an actor can be anyway! I guess comfortable is not the word...safe...I felt safe sharing my story on camera in front of him!

I'm to sexy....yeah......

The red carpet...all laid out...I am approaching it and am beginning to realize the surprise!

And ....the title page to my video...no you cannot click on it and make it play...it is just a photo of the tv screen!

The longest day of my life!

2009-03-26T01:30:00.004-04:00

Yes friends, if you didn't know it before, you know it now, I am back in my beloved GR this week. Yes I know, I should just move back here. After tonight I am convinced I will figure out a way! My trip this time, was 2 fold. One I had long standing symphony tickets....and since the TBL video submission deadline is fast approaching, the plan was to have my video completed tonight...after some last minute filming on Monday.

After filming on Monday, it was decided that Wednesday at 8:30, the premiere viewing of my video would take place. Outside of one small clip ABS showed me on Monday, I have seen nothing of this project. No footage or anything. I simply had to trust a man, I don't know very well, but who is good friends with Coach and Aaron, whom I trust without question. Needless to say, I have been anxiously awaiting Wednesday at 8:30. I am not one to usually lose sleep over things, but I was sooo excited, I have not slept well the last 2 nights and well, I am not so sure I am gonna sleep tonight either!

I did not have a huge agenda for the day, but I was meeting one friend for coffee and then having a sushi dinner with a few friends prior to the Premiere, as we have taken to calling it. But I also had a couple friends who have been integral to my journey coming over to watch the video at 8:30 as well. We had a lovely dinner, but while at dinner, Adam gets a text message from ABS, "need more time" is the basic gist of the message. And ABS didn't want me at the house until he was really ready, lest I see something before the big viewing. SO...we couldn't go back yet. As time passed, further text messages were coming in, expounding the woes of technology and how even more time was needed. At 8:15 I said, we needed to leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. We ended up at the mall, sitting in massage chairs and visiting the Apple store and painfully killing time. While at the apple store...we get another message. "40 minutes...I am not kidding!"

My face fell. All of the anticipation that had been building just deflated. I knew there would be people at the house, waiting. And of course I was awaiting this, but what can one do when technology won't cooperate! Shortly after that Scottie gets a phone call, that basically says that we can come, even though it isn't quite ready, my friends would rather watch me squirm there. But I overheard something that led me to believe that the stalling had all been intentional. SO I began to suspect trickery. But I had no idea!!!

As we pull up, there is a "no parking" sign in the driveway and as I look up, there are people standing in the driveway...I thought, that crazy ABS is making them wait in the cold? As I got out, a floodlight came on and I noticed a "red carpet" covering the entire length of the driveway. (They have a long driveway) There were "paparazzi"present all along the carpet taking photos as I walked up. And music was playing...."I'm too sexy"! Yep, of course I had to strut my stuff on the "cat walk"As I walked, I had a feather boa put on me, flowers placed in my hand, and eventually a tiara got placed on my head. It was hilarious fun! My friends LOVE me! This I know! For their actions tell me so!

When we finally made it into the house, we had a champagne toast! You seriously would have thought that a "big deal" celebrity had just arrived. I was overwhelmed. It was then I began to realize and connect the dots to conversations I had with Aaron and Carol and began to see...they were ALL in on this. This was not the work of just one person! But about a dozen, all working to surprise me! It worked guys! I don't think I have ever been so surprised in my life!

We finally moved into the viewing room to watch the video, where ABS and RD introduced the film and their experience working on it. I was touched and overwhelmed by their words. We watched the video and while I cannot post it or tell you much about it, I can say ABS and RD are geniuses at taking me and my story and telling it in such a beautiful way without taking away from who I am. The whole thing reflected who I am at my core. It was funny, vulnerable, honest and real. It was me! I was stunned into silence. Even now I have no adequate words to express what I think and feel. I feel like I have just reported the excitement of the day. But what else can I add?

I am loved. If I ever doubted or questioned it before....there is nothing of that remaining. And while the waiting was frustrating...in the end it was well worth it!

I am wordless when it comes to what I feel, not because I am not feeling anything, but there are no words to describe it all, that exist in the English language!

When I get some of the pictures of all of the trickery that went down...I will post them for you all to see!

Thoughts for the new photo...

2009-03-20T13:20:00.002-04:00

I was trying to post this photo I found from a trip I took last year to my blog header. However, as it posted it was far to big...so I clicked the shrink to fit button and this is what I got! At first I tried to change it up and "fix" it so it looked "right", then I realized that this is what I always do...make things "right".

SO I began to look at the photo and realized it can actually tell a story too...that fits with this journey...so here are my thoughts.

Sometimes as I travel along, (particularly in light of a gain week) I feel like I am thrashing around a bit, lost and like there just is no road or even a path to be travelling on. The journey is hard and I get scratched up from the trees and may even tumble into poison ivy or trip over roots coming up out of the ground. Then I get so caught up in the very spot I am and how I don't know how I got so far off the path that I cannot see it anymore! But the truth is, if I stop looking down at the ground immediately before me, I am not so far off the path. If you look at the photo, the road can still be seen, and is pretty easy to get to actually...I just gotta get my eyes off the immediate circumstances and focus on the distance...where I am headed...and keep moving. The trees, roots, poison ivy and any other obstacle can be my training tools to ensure I make it the whole distance or they can be obstacles that hinder me. I get to choose.

Lord help me to see them as tools when I feel like this and when I miss Him showing me...I am sure you all will be quick to point out a new tool! :-)

My first non-loss of 2009

2009-03-18T01:52:00.002-04:00

Hmmm...I should warn you that this will be a long post...but all my posts end up long. I should probably only warn you if it is gonna be short, so you don't think something is missing :-)

On 3/3 I weighed in at 312.5. On 3/13 I weighed in a couple days late from my normal Tuesday weigh in because I was out of town and weighed 307.1 (loss of 5.4). Today I weighed in and weighed 308.5. Yes folks I gained 1.4 lbs. This is the first time in 09 that I have not lost. Not only did I not lose, but I gained.

I wish I could say that I ate well all week and was faithful in my exercise every single day. I wish I could chalk it up to my body not cooperating or water weight gain or some other thing that I don't really have control over. But I can't. Not without lying.

There are several factors that contributed to this gain. All of them controllable by me, which is what makes me not disappointed or discouraged, but rather pissed off...at myself. I let circumstances play too huge a role in my decisions and clearly my choices have consequences.

1. On Saturday I went to a baby shower where I ate the food provided. I didn't really overeat here, but I didn't make the best choices of what was laid before me. Then I added cake to the mix and ice cream. At the time, I was ok with things here because even people who are healthy eat unhealthy things at times and are ok. It is taking it to extremes that is unhealthy. I had 3 bites of cake and probably the same of the ice cream and decided I was done.

2. Later I went to a a Euchre party at my Aunt's house. My plan, since I had already eaten alot at the baby shower was to grab Subway on my way...and not eat the party food. Well, I couldn't find the Subway, so I got really frustrated and just went to the party trying to convince myself I wasn't really hungry anyway, and I can just not eat anything there. That plan fell apart within minutes of my arrival. My uncle made me a Yummy drink (pineapple juice and rum....and Yes I do drink on occasion)

A strange dynamic happens for me at this house. They all think I am the "good girl". I don't drink and I never do anything wrong. Yeah right! I am human people! But seriously they have this image of me that I don't do anything wrong, so if they see me with a drink in hand, they are quite shocked and comment on my goodness, whatever that is. So for some reason when here, I feel like I am always trying to show them how not good I am. I know strange, right? Who doesn't want to be perceived as good? Well, when it is almost pedestal like, I don't like it...and I try to keep jumping off the pedestal.

So the conversation throughout the night with various people at various times was...how "good" I was and how much weight I have lost and how good I look. So I ended up drinking more than I "should" which just helped me to toss my good intentions towards eating out the window and eat while drinking...and while amongst my inner circle and on this blog my weight is talked about often, it seems different somehow and all the talk about how "good" I look was actually wearing on me after a while.

All that to say, I made really poor choices for a large variety of possible reasons. I have no idea what I consumed this day in eating...but my drinks alone were at least 900 calories...by the time I was done. That is HALF of my allotted calories for 1 day...so I am POSITIVE i was over..by ALOT.

3. I was excited about possibly hitting my 50 lb marker and being able to check that off my goal list. I realize 50 lbs is a lot and it is 1/4 of my total goal and is a big deal!! I also know that in any given weight loss attempt I have never made it beyond 60 lbs. The last time I stopped losing weight, in hindsight, it was comments about how good I was looking that sent me over the edge. Back then I had not even begun to look seriously at my sexual abuse issues beyond knowing that it definitely has had an impact. So as I approach 50 lbs, the comments are starting, and there are fears about whether I have what it takes to go farther than ever before...and to finish what I started. But because of my past I have to question whether there is any self-sabotaging going on. I have been thinking about this all day and I am still not sure. But I cannot ignore the question. Part of me thinks that on some level yes, there was some self-sabotaging. If it was, I don't think it accounted it all.

I am not giving up! I am not discouraged! I am pissed off! This time IS different. I am asking myself hard questions in the face of this gain. I am not avoiding reality or making excuses for why the scale says what it says. The scale has served its purpose this week. It has given me feedback about the realities of the choices I made. By listening to the feedback, asking the questions, not succumbing to despair, and letting people in to where I am at...it just proves that I am different. I am growing in health...physically, mentally and spiritually....and that my friends is what I am after. Whole health.

I will leave you with a quote from Aaron. He said this to me in November via email, which ironically was the last time I think I had a gain and I was discouraged because that time, I had done everything right. I found it this week before I found out I gained and actually used it to encourage someone else. It is fitting and timely for this as I continue to pursue whole health, despite my gain.

"This journey is about more than just weight! It is about a wholly healthy you (spiritually and physically). If you made good eating choices, were diligent about hitting the gym, and humble before God this week and still gained a little then no worries. Weight is one measure of progress, but your heart is a truer one." Aaron

10,000 feelings!

2009-03-16T20:46:00.003-04:00

What a lovely day! Full of soo many emotions!For those who don' know me personally, this is a big deal and something to be celebrated!

It started out a bit rough, I got some sad news late last night from a friend and I fell asleep praying for him and just feeling sad about some things. I woke the same way, with this friend on my mind and wondering how it is that things turn out the way they do. Then I just got angry. Satan is such a liar and a thief and destroyer. Stupid...evil...!@#$%

Then I got mail! I opened my email to find a sneak peek teaser clip of my audition video sent to me for my viewing pleasure. Can I just say, that ABS (film guy) is a genius! A 30 second clip and if I wasn't sold on trusting him to put my story in film before...I do now! Happiness, excitement, anticipation, joy!

Then...I got a phone call from Nicole! Would I like to go to Kensington for a walk with her and baby Nic? Heck Yeah! Kensington is my absolute favorite park in East Michigan and it is a gorgeous day! So we went for a walk...a 3.5 mile walk. It is amazing how walking that far seems like so little when...1. You are in the presence of a good friend and 2. you are in decent shape, despite the size. When we ended, I looked at my pedometer and told her how far we had walked...and both of us were surprised! SO easy! While on the walk...we decided that Spring is a lovely time of year in Michigan. It is like the earth is waking up. Walking this same path in winter...all you hear is the crunch of your feet on snow....but now...NOW you hear the birds chirping, the woodpeckers pecking, the squirrels chattering. We saw a muskrat in the river...and the best part...2 cranes decided to walk down the same path we were on. They were heading towards us...and like any polite couple on a walk....moved off to the side and walked off path (3 feet away) as they passed us. We turned to watch as they moved back on the path as they passed us and just continued down the path....like this is NORMAL!!! Absolute delight in God's creation, peace, joy, comfort, love, surprised.

I came home from this lovely time to be able to find my friend Lisa from Kosovo online and I was able to chat with her for a bit. We talked about some things going on in Kosovo with some of the kids there that just made me angry again at the deceitfulness of Satan and how he just never gives up. The thing is...he just doesn't know what he has unleashed in me...by messin' with my people!!! Then somehow we got on a topic of my story (abuse story). I am still not sure how this happened, but it was so good to talk to her about these things. It must have been a God thing! So good! anger, love, comfort, peace, healing.

Had some dinner...worried about my weigh in tomorrow. Thought briefly about not eating anything tonight and just waiting to eat again until after the weigh in tomorrow...but dismissed that thought pretty quick. Regardless of the scale, I am after total health...and that kind of mentality and behavior is not healthy. I would love it if I lost at least 1.1 lbs this week as then I will officially be at the 50 lb mark. Nervous, anxiousness.

Then I decided to go for a run. I headed over to the state rec area by my house with a plan to run the trails there. My plan was to drive to where it meets the river then run up to the campground...which I figure is about 2 maybe 2.5 miles. If it was still light enough, I would go back...if not...I would walk home...because the campground is about a half mile from my house and have mom drive me back to get my car. So off I went. It was so pretty with the evening sky overhead peeking through the bare trees. I have decided that while trail running is harder...I think I like it best so far. I don't seem to pay attention to time or distance. I just run until I simply cannot run anymore. Sometimes that is a long time...sometimes it is 100 yards or so. Then I walk. Peace, awe, inspired, strong.

Then, the light began to fade really fast. I looked around and realized I am not sure how far I have gone or how much further to the campground. I have never been on this trail before and in the fading light I began to panic that what if I am not on the path I think I am. What if I am not heading towards the campground at all. I went forward for a little longer thinking I need to decide. Am I going to keep going or not? If not I need to turn back now (or 10 minutes ago) to make sure I get back to my car and don't get lost in the woods at night. I chose to turn back. I began to run but I could not run faster than the fading light. I could no longer see the mud slicks that I managed to avoid on the way out, so I began to slip and slide. Then as I was still trying to avoid mud, I was tripping over twigs and sticks, that I swear were not on the path on my way out. With panic beginning to set in my mind began to race, my heart began to pump with adrenaline as the full realization of the stupidity of this situation hit me. Clearly someone had followed behind me putting sticks and stones in my path to trip me up, right? I began to think of all the horrors that happen to women on dark lonely paths. I realized how alone I was...and how stupid this idea was to do this so close to dark! THEN my mind decided to remind me that a few years back, a young woman did get raped and killed in these very woods. Granted it was by her boyfriend that she had broken up with and he didn't like that very much...but still. I ran faster. I ran until I couldn't breathe and absolutely HAD to walk lest I pass out. I walked as fast as I could until I was able to breathe again then I took off running. Based on a pure estimate, I think I made it back to my car in half the time it took me to get out there. It is amazing how fast adrenaline can make you go when you feel like your very life might depend on it! I got back and in the light of the car, I was able to see my pedometer. 3 miles. Which means that I was closer to home than to my car when I decided to turn back. Ironic! Terror, fear, relief.

I got home in time to see that my mom had a TV show on called "How I met your Mother"....or something like that. Which I had noticed on Facebook earlier that a friend of mine was going to be on that show. She had told us what to watch for..as she is an extra. If you watched this show...my friend Tamara was the woman on the TV screen that was having a baby and one of the main characters delivered it. It was quite cool to see her on TV! Pleasure, joy, happiness, excitement, pride.

Now...I am feeling silly for writing all this out. But all in all...I did 6.5 miles today. Pride, accomplished, strong.

I've GOT this Thang!

The Pain of Transformation

2009-03-13T23:04:00.002-04:00

I have been home...in Detroit...for about a month now and I have already had 1 trip back to my beloved GR, which turned out to be a desperately needed reprieve. It wasn't until I crossed into Kent County that I realized how incredibly stressed out I had been when suddenly I felt lighter and more peaceful and ready to keep going again. I stayed as long as I could just breathing in the West Michigan air until the realities of Detroit called me back.

Ultimately the reality is this. I AM living in Detroit. I will probably always want to be somewhere else, but for now, that would be plain old fantasy land! In GR, I have a place filled with relationships created based on what I wanted and needed, not on history or old beliefs. I didn't have 32 years of history and habits and actions/reactions to family. I didn't have as many negative automatic triggers that send me spiraling. More specifically, I didn't have temptations around in relative abundance. If I wanted chips or chocolate in GR, it had to be very intentional. I had to actually go to the store for it because it wasn't kept in the house. There was no "mindless eating".

Where am I going with this? I did have a point when I started this...really I did. Oh yes! This process of losing 200 + lbs is transformative. Life changing. There is NO WAY someone can lose that much weight and not be completely changed. In GR, this transformation process was easier, simply because of how my life was set up, who I had in my life, and how they stood with me on a daily basis. By no means was it easy...but it was easier. Now though is where the rubber meets the road. Now is where the transformation process gets painful. Now I get to really decide each day whether I am going to stick with this or am I going to cave because it is easier. I have to choose not between 2 healthy choices set before me, but rather...my healthy choice vs my old favorite food from childhood...like fried chicken or creamed chicken or fried pork chops. Now my choice for a different kind of life, a different way of relating to food, a different way of looking at fitness and health and exercise...now is when it gets real.

Transformation is hard my friends. Especially when transformation means becoming something completely different than you once were. Think caterpillar to butterfly. It takes energy, resolve, commitment, honesty, accountability, determination, perseverance...and it takes a vision. I have been to several leadership/character development workshops. At one, they talked about having a vision that will call you through the pain of transformation. (ahhh yes, I knew I had a point or two to this ramble!)

SO this week I have been thinking about MY vision. The one that is big enough in me that will pull me through the hard times, the tough choices, and hard conversations...to the new me. Is my vision just about wearing that cute yellow dress I talked about? OR the vision of me sky diving? When I think of the big picture, while those things are fun to think about and dream about...it is pretty doggone small...especially when pitted against a choice to go run in the remains of a cold Michigan winter.

I am not completely clear on what my vision fully encompasses. But here is what I do know. It is about choosing life. Scripture talks about a choice being set before us for life or death. We are urged to choose life, that we might live. I choose life! It is also about what kind of life I want to live. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to feel like a physical activity is not impossible for me. I want to feel confident and sexy. I want to be attracted to a guy and feel like I actually have a shot because my weight is not in the way. I want to get married....SOON! I want to feel attractive to my husband and not have my weight interfere in any part of our relationship, not emotionally, psychologically, or physically. I want a great sex life! HA! I said it! I don't want something mediocre in that! I want to have children. I want to be able to keep up with my children and not feel exhausted by them. I want to inspire and encourage others, not just to lose weight, but to be the best they can be...and part of me feels like how can I do that, if I am not being the best I can be? There is no ONE thing that I want that is big enough to pull me through the painful times....but there are a lot of pretty amazing things that added up...make a difference in my choices....These are the things I need to think on when my choice is grilled or fried chicken and regardless of what I choose, fried chicken will still be served....to someone in my house!

While I will not do this perfectly and there will be times that I succumb to the temptations and decide the fried whatever is better than my vision, I am hopeful. (Feel free to remind me of what I am about to say later, because I am sure I will at some point start whining about how hard it is and how I don't want to keep going.) I am hopeful in this moment, that I really am being transformed. I really am becoming someone different as i keep going in this...and hopefully for the better. Transformation is not easy or pain free. It is the very pain in the process that can actually be a basis for hope of lasting change. The kind that brings new life. A kind of life worth living and not just surviving! Vision is what makes this time different...for me.

SO what about you? What is your vision? Why are you working to lose weight or change some other thing about yourself? Is it big enough, powerful enough to get you through the tough times?

Wow, What a feeling!

2009-03-10T20:36:00.002-04:00

ok so we all know, if you are a regular reader here, that I have lost 43.5 lbs. What you don't know is that I am still wearing my same clothes. When I wear my jeans I just belt'em up real good and my shirts are just baggy. My gym clothes...well who cares if they fit or not...as long as they are still staying up when I run that is all I care about. I do have some clothes in reserve from the last time I lost weight, but I have been kind of afraid to pull those out, just in case they don't fit yet.

Tonight, a friend and I were talking about weddings that are coming up and I was thinking that I would have to get some new clothes for sure by then. Wondering how much weight I can lose between now and June to look my absolute finest. My friend has some weight to lose, but less than I, so her clothes of course are smaller than mine...and she has some great dresses (although wrong color for me). I pulled out one of her dresses and tried it on tonight. Wow! What a feeling to put on a dress that is 3 sizes smaller than my last known for sure size...and have it fit....really well!!!

Doing a happy dance....but not a Zumba dance! :-) hehehehe HAHAHAHA HOHOHOHO HEHEHEHEH

Can you say Zumba?!

2009-03-10T18:27:00.002-04:00

I am in no way shape or form a dancer. I have little coordination at this point and aerobics classes are a challenge in themselves to keep my feet moving in the right direction with the right timing. I do however have fun being silly on a dance floor at a good wedding or some other celebratory gathering. But a club dancer I am not. For one I just can't get into the whole bump n grind dancing that goes on there. Not now and I highly doubt that will change when I am skinny...except maybe with my husband of course :-) but certainly not in public.

With that said, I went with a friend to a Zumba class last night. I never thought I would do one of these classes given my lack of coordination mentioned above, but I will pretty much do anything for a friend. And this friend needed someone to go with her. I am hoping she will find something that will keep her moving in this direction that she really enjoys. Anyway, I digress. This class was actually fun! But not as difficult as 20/20/20 or 3-2-1.

It was quite comical. 10 Ladies in this tiny dance classroom, dancing to Latin and hip hop music in front of a big mirror. I kept up pretty good and when I had no idea what they were doing with their feet...something like heel, toe, tap tap switch feet...and again...I just moved my feet around as fast as possible and moved in the general direction that they did (so I didn't crash into anyone). Besides needing quick feet, we got to pretend we were riding a horse and swinging a lasso)that was the BEST!), we got to crump? I think that is what it is called, we got to do a small version of the macarena, and then there was what I call the gorilla dance. Yes, friends the gorilla dance. Stand with your legs wide and take wide steps forward forward back back and now swing your arms and bend over slightly...do this really fast! Then on to the butt dance. Legs hip distance apart, tighten the legs and shake the patutee so that your but jiggles and shakes really fast...now shimmy! On top of all that extreme hilarity then came the hip swings.

Yes my friends, I swing my hips, circled my hips, and even thrust my hips. Many times. Sometimes it was a kind of swing dance swinging. Then there was the squat lower and rotate/gyrate the hips. Other times it was a basic circling of the hips like hula hooping. And I think you know the definition of thrust! I felt like I was on a club dance floor except I wasn't being sandwiched by others. I was doing this line dance style. It was weird. Scandalous even!!! HAHA

All in all, I would do this with my friend if that is what it will take for her to go back or if it was offered for free at my gym, but I wouldn't pay special money for it. While it was fun, it wasn't a huge workout for me. But that is just me. This would however be a great class to take right before I get married...so I can learn to dance for my husband! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sorry Kenny, You might want to erase that from your memory!)

Until then, I will most definitely continue to enjoy my uncoordinated, off beat celebratory dancing at weddings and other such gatherings! Dang I got two of those coming up in June!! How much can I lose by then so I can look smoking!!!????

Quick Update, cuz I am TIRED!

2009-03-07T21:29:00.004-05:00

I arrived in my beloved GR Thursday night. It has done my heart good to be here. I had no idea how much I needed to come for a visit and am so very glad I am here. I would like to say that I love this place simply for the people I love dearly here, but it isn't just that. Driving down the familiar roads and I just feel at home. Like this place is mine. I feel more alive here than anywhere else. IT is weird. The minute I crossed in to Kent County Thursday night I just felt better, more at peace, more in control, more at home.

Yesterday, I went for a run along a trail system we have here called Kent Trails. I have never been on these paths before since I wasn't exercising outside...in PUBLIC (GASP!) But since I am so over that, I went out. I initially thought I would run out 1 mile then back for a 2 mile run. But as I hit the 1 mile mark, I thought...you know I feel good, I can do another. During that first mile, I ran almost the whole way! I was so excited. I have never run so far. Is it common to build up so quickly? Or am I pushing myself to hard? The 2nd mile, I also ran almost the whole thing...and when I got to the next marker I looked at my pedometer and it said I had already gone 2.73 miles. WHAT??? But I thought it was 1 mile between street crossings! Guess not! So I turned around....and ran back....I did a bit more walking this time. Since I have NEVER run more than 2 miles, I had already exceeded that by a lot and with my actual running time being far more than ever before. My hips were getting tight and I could feel my right knee getting tight too. I ran about half of the way back in shorter intervals. Total mileage? 5.54 miles! WooHooo!!! So proud! I need to stop doing so well,lest this become the normal expectation! What if I don't feel like running 5 tomorrow? But because I know I can....I will have to...cuz I can't not do what I know I can....right?

Today, I did the final filming for my audition video. I needed a shirt that said that"I am kind of a big deal" because if you saw the equipment these guys brought in , you might have thought that a serious movie was taking place. I mean there was a dolly that the camera sat on with a camera guy manning it while someone else pulled or pushed it next to me while I ran. It was ridiculous overkill...but OH SO FUN! Even if I am not picked, I am gonna have one sweet video of myself! By the time we were done on the track and the treadmill I had run or walked over 4 miles. And on the treadmill, I pushed it to 7! Yeah I'll do anything for a camera!! :-) We moved on to the spin room where we got some extra special footage with Coach and Adam riding next to me! Not as much fun in here, but the footage will be worth it! I hope...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy! We ended the day in the pool where I learned my video guy thinks I don;t clown around. He doesn't know me very well. He has only known me under these circumstances where I am not in my most comfortable state! Ahhh for him to get to know me under normal circumstances! Needless to say I started clowning around a little in the water...flipping, doing handstands, and the like.

All in all, I am not allowed to see the footage. He is afraid I will eliminate possibilities if I see the footage in its raw state. Sooo I wait while he puts something together for my approval. I trust my video guy....I trust my video guy...I trust my....

Good night.....I started all that at 1 PM....I got done about 6:30 PM...I am tired!

A rough "journal" entry

2009-03-06T10:29:00.004-05:00

First bit of news. I am in a happy place (physically). I am HOME in GR for a few days! So refreshing..now if all my people would come home from work, so I can see them all will be perfect!

Second thing: This blog is first and foremost for me. It is my version of a journal. I can't seem to stay committed to writing in a journal for more than a week, but I can here...don't know what that is all about but it just means that at times you are gonna get something that is a bit raw and unpolished and I refuse to edit it to make it nice! (this was added post writing!)

Now on to the rest of this blog entry.

I tend to be a head person. I figure things out in my head first and by the time it comes out of my mouth (or fingertips) it is very well packaged with the struggle and the answer to the struggle. Part of this is a "look good and put together" mentality, part is just who I am, and part is a way to talk my way through something and maybe if I have the right answer, the right behavior will follow. Regardless of the motivation for it though, this does not serve me well, not emotionally anyway. (By the way, this happens so fast, I don't even realize I am doing it, and is often subconscious. I can't stop it from happening, but I can add to it!)

For years, I had been what I call emotionally bankrupt. I would feel the extreme emotions (about once a month :-) or happiness, but the everyday little disappointments or sadness or anger just was not there for me. I wasn't depressed, I was just "good" or "fine". IN the past 2 years I sought counseling on this and came to know that my emotional health and my ability to feel my emotions ties DIRECTLY to my weight loss. When I am fully connected and present in what is real for me I am better able to manage my eating and even my exercise. This whole emotional connectedness really took off in my last 6 months in GR. I was experiencing emotions all the time! I felt a little crazy at times! Crying one minute but full of true laughter and joy the next! Emotions were not all consuming as I once thought...they just were. IT was a good thing.

The other day, I was talking to Coach about an email I sent him re: some hard conversations I had with mom about my weight loss journey and the hurtful things she says and does at times. I reported the facts, relayed the conversations and ended the email. While the conversations were uncomfortable, I was fine! I was good! The next day while chatting Coach asked me. "So how ya holding up?"

I wanted to say that I was good or fine, except that suddenly my eyeballs were filled with a salty water like substance and I could no longer see my computer to say anything. I realized I wasn't sure exactly how I was but fine or good did not fit. Coach pointed out that is my body telling me that my heart was hurting. GO figure! What struck me though was that 1 month back at home and I was already back to numbing out my feelings and living in a state of fine-ness. I wasn't connected to the emotional reality of those conversations or to how I was really doing in my new home. It took so long to get plugged in to those emotions and one change (although a BIG one) and I am unplugged so quickly!

I don't want to be FINE! I want to be great! fabulous! I want to experience all the emotions again. I want to be able to write what is really going on for me and not the packaged stuff that has been of late. Not that what I have written has been untrue...it just hasn't been fully true, because I didn't realize what was going on.

I was and am still trying to adjust. Figure out my routine. And in a way who I am as a 32 yr old woman living in her mother's house? Am I adult or child? (feels like child at times) It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what I should be doing. And I am great at self talk. You know the stuff that sounds like "I can do this!" "I am doing this!" "This time is different!"

While these statements are true, the other truth is this. I am terrified and feel very alone in this in my new place. I keep thinking, if I can just make it to 75 lbs then I will have lost more than ever at one time and maybe, just maybe, then something will stick and I will be able to keep going.

Coach asked me how all of this (the conversations and the fact that I realized I wasn't feeling things again) were impacting my food/exercise. I wish I could easily say that it wasn't...at least not yet. But if I look at it really, sure I have still been counting my calories and if anything have been under eating, but the quality of what I have been eating has not been so good. Eating for comfort again has most likely been happening because all my old comfort foods are around and readily available, this time I just count them. But that doesn't allow me to feel whatever is going on. And this journey is NOT just about being physically healthy. It is also about being emotionally healthy and spiritually healthy. If I am really honest, if I had to choose between physical or emotional health. I will take teh emotional health anyday. I would rather feel everything and be fat than feel nothing and be thin.

It has certainly affected my motivation to fight to get to the gym when I just don't want to. In GR, it just wasn't an option to not go. Granted many times, I could call or text someone to coordinate a time to go together, but there were plenty of times that I had to choose to go myself and then to stay there the entire time, actually working!

So here is the recap of my crazy off the cuff journal entry above....My heart hurts. Everything else is self talk.

9 weeks...barely!

2009-03-03T18:57:00.002-05:00

I lost a half a pound this week. I have officially made 9 weeks in a row of losses. I have to admit though that this is coming a bit close to the no gain/no loss or worse...a gain week for my liking! I also know that I did not work for anything more either which is what is more disappointing than anything else. If I had lost a half pound but knew I had done my best, I THINK that would leave me with a better feeling...but that is all speculation of course because that is not the case!

I have not been to the gym since last Thursday. I wish I could simply say I was too busy. Which I was, but in the last 3 months, being busy has not been an excuse to not be at the gym. I worked it into my schedule. I made it a priority. I have not done that this last part of this past week. It was easier to let it slide than figure out how to make it happen when the gym was not nearby or easily accessible.

I did have a hard time tracking calories..particularly on Saturday and Sunday when others were cooking for me and when I was standing in line for 9 hours...but I really don't think I went over calories. If anything I was far far FAR under calories...which can be just as bad as over eating. It was not intentional to under eat, but I was not intentional in my planning for my eating for this weekend.

So that is my weigh in and the things that contributed to it.

In other things...for those of you who like graphs and charts and spreadsheets and things of that nature....here is a graph of my weight loss progress since the beginning of the year. I didn't know my tracker would create this graph for me until then which is why I don't have more data all the way back to September. (Gosh I hope this works....enjoy!)

My Weight Chart:

I love that it is looking kind of ski slopish...ok bunny hill...but still!!! :-)

All right!! All Right!! Already!

2009-03-02T13:45:00.005-05:00

I have gotten enough comments/emails about my ticker and how it appears to be inaccurate that I have finally taken the time to change it....again. I especially get the emails after writing that I have lost 43 LBS, but my ticker shows 27. (or any other time I write about the amount I have lost!) Those that are new to the blog and don't feel like reading back or don't remember...I had 2 tickers for two different scales. I didn't want to forget that I had lost 16 LBS on the one scale so I left it there.

In reality, to have one ticker that is accurately reflecting what I have lost, required adding both losses to my current weight to get my more accurate starting weight. THAT my friends is what I didn't want to do.

Yes I am all about living in reality and owning what is true and all that other stuff I have talked about...and while I am all about it, I am still human. I am not perfect and frankly I did not want to OWN that I really started at 356 LBS and that THAT has been my highest weight ever! I did not want to put THAT out there so blatantly. However, if you all did your own math in your heads...you would be able to figure that out...and that was somehow ok with me.

SO now you have it! I still shy away from the hard core truth at times. I still try like hell to live in fantasy land at times. But eventually, the truth always comes out, someway somehow. Now you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in September 2008, I weighed 356 LBS! Not such a nice number to have displayed out there...but nice is not always true now is it?

Tomorrow, I found out if I lost again...can I make it 9 weeks of losses in a row?

I have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring on the scale. But I do know that it will bring me right back to the track or the gym or any other place that will allow me to exercise outside of the bitter cold of this lingering Michigan winter!

For those curious about Saturday...unfortunately, I will not be blogging about the casting process other than to say that I am proud of the way I carried myself, presented myself and how I felt it was received by the casting director. I will say that at this time I have NOT received a call back. Regardless of that fact, it still went well because I was myself!

Eyes Wide Open

2009-02-28T02:03:00.003-05:00

It is 2 AM. I am still awake. This is not unusual for me. I am typically a night person unless I am working and have to routinely be up by a specified time. Since I am not, I tend to be awake until the wee hours of the morning. However, on this night, I needed to be in bed hours ago. In 2.5 hours I need to be up, getting ready to start my day as I head to TBL Casting call with a friend. This evening has been spent finalizing our application, attempting to choose between dozens of photos to put with the application and readying my friends house for a bachelorette party for Saturday night.

Why was my application not filled out before now? Well, partly because I procrastinate and partly because I couldn't formulate into words what I wanted to say in it. SO I have been reading the application questions and thinking about them. (This is the way I wrote papers in college as well. Actual written word didn't happen until the night before it was due and I stayed up all night and would get an A.) SO then why was my pictures not picked until today? The same reason they are still not picked now. I cannot choose. SO they are getting about 8 pictures. Some of me now, by myself, and a couple of me and my friend who would also potentially be my teammate if they do another couples season. Finally one of me as a young child, before I gained all my weight. It is one of the last pictures I have of before I seriously began putting on the weight.

I need to go to sleep but I am not tired in the least bit. My eyes are wide open. I am not nervous about tomorrow. It will mostly be standing around in a huge line of my fellow fatties, probably about 1000 of them, all of whom are hoping the same thing as me. That TBL, will "Pick Me!" When I finally get to the front of the line I will get about 30 seconds to impress one person who will decide whether he/she wants to see more of me. There is nothing I can control about this process.

I have done the work they requested. I filled out the application and provided some photos. I will show up tomorrow full of fun and life and probably loaded up on caffeine. I will waste a bunch of calories on cream and sugar so that I can drink that caffeine too! And I will pray. I will ask God for this opportunity. And then I will trust Him to give me what is best for me, for the journey He has planned for me.

Do I want to go on this show? Heck Yes!!

Will I be disappointed if I don't get picked? Probably, if I am honest with myself

Will I let the disappointment stop me from losing another 43 lbs? Absolutely NOT!

Ultimately, I will lose my weight with or without the show. But man, would it ever be a wild ride to go to California, train with Bob or Jillian or whatever other trainer they come up with, meet all kinds of super cool people, and lose this weight fast. All the while with a chance to win 250K. So fellow bloggers and friends who read...be praying. I want this!

I want the opportunity to go away for a few months. While I would miss everyone terribly, I think what fun it would be to come back a whole person smaller and surprise everyone with the results! I can imagine walking into my old DDH at a time when Coach or Adam is there, perhaps at a spin class with Jeff or Emily, getting on a bike and seeing if they even recognize me! Now THAT would be fun to capture their expressions when they look over and see someone who looks kinda familiar....yet....."Hello boys!" :-) Or showing up for the annual Octoberfest without telling anyone I am coming and seeing if people recognize me! I have no idea what I will look like skinny, but I imagine the transformation will be quite different. It is already.

Tonight I was looking through some photos. I came across a batch from a "Girl's Getaway Weekend" I did with my best girls in October 2008. I looked at this photo and actually started crying. I called my friend over to look at the photo. I just looked at her and was like..."oh my gosh! I have lost ALOT of weight!" I could see it in my face so clearly. Suddenly the full reality of 43 LBS gone hit me. I KNEW I had lost that much. Coach even had me pick up the free weights at one point to help me get a reality check. I also could see different parts of my body at times looking a little different. Earlier in the evening I had tried on the 3x t-shirt that we got to wear to the casting call and I thought I looked smaller but couldn't be sure. (Hello Mcfly, the fact that I was wearing comfortably a 3x and not a 4x should have told me something!) But this photo just hit me! I was stunned.

SO here is the photo I saw tonight that made me stop in awe!

And here is a photo of me taken in recent weeks!

My eyes are now wide open to the physical changes that are beginning to take place! This is where weight loss gets fun!

Now I have 1 hour and 45 minutes to sleep. I suppose I should try to at least take a nap, eh?!

8 weeks and some perspective!

2009-02-26T12:53:00.004-05:00

I have been on this journey (AGAIN!) since the premiere of Season 6 of TBL, which was in Sept 2008. It started out rough. I didn't count my calories. I was too arrogant to think I needed to. I thought I could just estimate and I would be fine. My gym schedule was, well it wasn't a schedule at all. I went if I felt like it, but that wasn't very often. Prior to September, I spent a lot of time at the gym swimming, but I had a race coming up, so I HAD to be there. Once the race ended, so did the frequency of my gym attendance. I probably started September going once a week and twice if it was a really good week.

Over time though I began to see the need for more exercise and I began to go 3 times a week. But my losses seemed to be down one week, up or holding steady the next. It was never consistent. At some point, I was encouraged to write down what I eat. I resisted this again for a time and finally did it...for one week. I think I lost 6 lbs that week! Huh!

I began to see the value in logging what I ate and by December I had begun to do this consistently. Amazingly, when I am aware of what I am eating, it somehow provides motivation for the gym too, because my gym attendance increased dramatically. I was now there 6 days a week, 2 hours a day, and was giving up time with friends to be there! It helped that I had some friends willing to go with me when I didn't want to go and even willing to kick my butt all the way there! However, throughout all of December, I lost NOTHING!!

I made some changes, one being increasing my calories.

OK, so that was just a little history for those of you new to my blog. You can get more details if you read back but that is a brief snapshot.

It has been 8 weeks since I have increased my calorie intake from 1200 to 1800 a day. During those 8 weeks I have:

1. Lost weight EVERY SINGLE WEEK! for a total of 19 lbs. That is an average of 2.375/week which is right in line with the recommended, healthy weight loss goals. For a woman it is 2-3 Lbs a week. HA! I am normal after all! (No comments from the peanut gallery, aka people who know me in real life and not just blogland)

2. In January I began running sprints on the treadmill. 30 seconds.

3. By the end of January, I was running 1 minute sprints on the treadmill.

4. I was now spinning twice a week and on a couple occasions was able to do 2 back to back spin classes. I even once did 4 spin classes in 1 week!

5. By the time I left GR and moved to Detroit, I had ventured on to the track, with Coach and Adam and could run 1/7 of a mile without stopping (1 lap). Of course it was much harder if one of those guys was with me, cuz dang they run just a hair faster than I want to and DAG NABBIT if I am NOT gonna keep up.

6. In addition to all this, I was still doing my 2x a week Pilate's classes and 2x a week aerobics/strength classes.

7. Last night, I ran the farthest I have run yet in one stretch. I ran .35 of a mile and for 5 minutes straight! So what if it was only at 4 mph...I did it!!

If I hold true to this pattern, within 3 weeks I will have hit the 50 lb loss mark and am only 13 lbs away from being out of the 300's. These ideas make me want to work harder and faster! 50 LBS!!! that is 1/4 of the way to my ultimate goal!!!

All this to say...alot can happen in 8 weeks, especially if we are diligent in challenging ourselves to greater heights and greater distances. 19 lbs. Yes, alot can happen in 8 weeks.

What will the next 8 bring?

Just one last side note. Since September, I have lost 43 lbs, in 5 months. That is an average of 8 lbs a month and 2.15 lbs/wk. Once again proving I am NORMAL! From week to week, it is easy to get discouraged, when you see a gain or a 0 on the scale.....but taking a step back and looking at this big picture....wow, it sure puts it in perspective!

ok, one more side note: I can no longer wear the bathing suits I wore last year. They are so stinking loose on me that it has become more indecent than not, particularly in the area of "the girls". So, I have dug out a swimsuit from the "last time" I lost weight and put it on last night! It fit! Definitely made me feel better about my disappearing girls because in this thing, well HOT diggity dog! I hope to be out of this one by the time I swim my 1000 meters which might be in July!

OK I am done now for real!

Friend? Foe? or God?

2009-02-25T13:20:00.005-05:00

I realize I am writing this from a "good" place after a loss I didn't deserve. However, I must write things like this as I think about them so that when I am "heavy laden" and "poor in spirit" I can look back and read reminders of some truth or someone can throw my own words back at me!

I have been reading amongst you all and talking with various people at various phases of the weight loss journey and noticing how excited or discouraged they, we, I get about what the scale says each week. If we have done well during the week we wait in anticipation for it to show a loss and therefore say that "I am good!" The scale then becomes our friend that week. If we have done poorly we wait in fear and trepidation as we just KNOW that it is going to say that "we are bad." The scale then becomes our enemy. Some of us have even taken to weighing ourselves daily to see what the almighty scale says about who we are today and then eat/exercise according to that mindset or belief. The scale has then become our God!

Here is the truth folks. The scale is none of those things unless you make them out to be. When I put my hope in the scale it is easy to become discouraged when it doesn't tell me what I want to hear. When I become so excited because of what the scale says I am still banking on the scale to provide something for me that has already been provided. What do you mean Kim? If I don't know the number how has it already been provided prior to stepping on that scale?

Identity folks. My identity. Your identity. Who you ARE and what you are made of has already been provided by God himself. I often forget that and look to the scale to determine if I am bad or good this week. When I do that, I take the true God off His throne and place the scale up there in His place. This is such a sad place to live. It makes this journey so much harder when I am not clear on who I am and what I am about. Especially when we are told that Jesus came that we may have life, and life to the full! I don't think he wants us to be so wrapped up in the number on the scale that we lose sight of Him or other people in our life. Or so wrapped up that it affects our moods and actions. I do believe however that he wants us to be healthy. That our bodies are His temple and that we should take care of it.

I am not saying the scale does not have a place though. However, it does not need or deserve that High Place, at least not in my life. The scale is what it is. A tool for honest feedback. The kind of raw honesty that can only come from an inanimate, impartial, uncaring object. Even an enemy can't provide that because they are not impartial or uncaring and a friend may try to minimize or over emphasize your failure or success in the name of encouragement! It is important to know what the scale is saying so you know how to tweak your efforts. If I didn't have the scale all December telling me I was staying the same, I might not have had a conversation with Coach that led to realizing I was doing more harm than good by not eating enough. If I didn't have the scale these last 2 months showing losses, Coach's theory about my low calorie intake would not have been proven correct! The scale is a tool! I and you are not bad or good based on it. Use it to evaluate your behavior and change it up if necessary, but that is it!

Bottom line guys, we, you , I have been and are created in the image of God. Our bodies are His temple and need to be taken care of. If we have an off week, we simply need to own our behavior but not make it about who we are. If we have an on week, again we get to own our behavior (although this is much easier than the former) and still NOT make it about who we are. We are more than a number. I am more than a number. My name is not Three Hundred and thirteen. My name is Kim and I am Enough! I am strong! I am courageous! I am fun and exciting to be with! I am a friend, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I am smart. and I am Beautiful! The scale does not dictate this each week. I just am, regardless of the number that shows up.

Who are YOU?

Could Gerri be my new Jeff...or Emily?

2009-02-25T11:26:00.003-05:00

I went to my second spin class in Detroit yesterday. I thought it started at 6:30 so at 5:25 I was gonna make something quick to eat before I went as it had been several hours since I had eaten anything. My plan was to spin then run. At 5:35 I was still reading all your lovely comments on my blog and quick looked over at the gym schedule and realized to my horror that spin started at 6!! DANG IT! I still have DDH's schedule locked in my brain!

I have heard from Twiggy that this spin class fills up! OK, if it fills up like DDH does, there is NO WAY I am getting in if I only walk in 10 minutes early! But I decided to try anyway. I tossed aside the computer, grabbed my IPOD, grabbed my water bottle, threw on my shoes and coat (No Coach I didn't zip it this time....was in a hurry) and ran out the door with mom yelling ...."HEY, where you going?"

I got to the Y expecting an instructor named Chris. Not sure if it was a guy or girl but was actually hoping for a guy. ( See, I have my own judgements...that a guy will be tougher) I got Gerri instead who is most definitely female. She is cute, she is fun, and she encourages the class to sing along with "Wanted, Dead or Alive", which I did! But more importantly, she did not judge me. She ASKED me if I had taken her class before as I was setting up my bike and she was finishing helping someone else set up theirs.

Me: No I have not spun with you but I have spun with Ann and I.....

Gerri: Oh if you have taken Ann's class, you can do mine easy, this is beginning spin!

Hmmm....well that was different. Not judgment of what I can't do, but judgement of what I can. Sadly it is based on Ann the Legend and not the truth of my history with Jeff and Emily. But hey, I will accept that!

I didn't get any one on one conversation about keeping up or backing off. I didn't get encouraged to quit. What I got, what all of us got really was an instructor who was teaching basic spin. She addressed all of us about taking it at our own pace, how to use the little gadget thing on top of the handlebars that tells RPM's and time and distance, and what she means when she says she wants a 5 for resistance, and we all got encouraged to no matter what keep your legs moving even if you are taking a break. It was good. No one felt singled out. But better than that, I got a really good workout in. She pushed me and because I didn't feel judged but actually encouraged by her, I WANTED to work harder. Despite it being a beginning spin class, it felt more like a Jeff or Emily class. Not quite, but close.

She approached me after class and asked me how I liked it and made some comment about Ann The Legend. I smiled and told her that actually, her class was harder than Ann's was for me and asked her when she teaches again. She looked surprised but pleased and told me her class schedule. 11:15 AM on Sundays. Guess I need to find a church with a 9 AM service so I can go!

Now a word to the wise. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to a spin class without any food (aka energy) in your system! In GR, I had taken to eating a whole grain bagel with peanut butter before a spin class. But I ran out the door without that. I got a little light headed at times and did have to stop my legs and pause for a minute. I knew it was because I had hardly eaten anything all day. In a spin class I can easily burn 900-1200 calories. That is a lot to burn without anything in your system to start with. You would think that I had ample fat to supply myself, but I think the body needs something to start on while it burns the fat...that is my theory anyway. I have no hard factual evidence of that. Needless to say, I didn't attempt to run. I didn't weigh in until 4:30 and typically I don't eat much of anything until I do...which explains why I did not have anything in me for the day and which is why I usually weigh in the morning!

Speaking of my weigh in. It was interesting because on Monday I was getting dressed or something and thought...Hmmm...my body feels different. Smaller in some ways. I could actually point to the area that looked and felt smaller somehow. But given my eating and exercise for the week, I KNEW there is no way possible that I had lost. In fact, I was expecting a gain but holding out hope for a goose egg. SO I gave myself lots of self talk. Don't get all hopeful, you will then just be disappointed by reality. Just own what you did and take the consequences like a man...err ummm a WOMAN! I worked out Monday night and just for "shits and grins" I jumped on the scale there even though that will not be my official weigh in scale. It said I was down almost 4 LBS, with my shoes on and at the end of the day!

IMPOSSIBLE!!! I refused to believe it, despite knowing that this scale was fairly close to my last known GR weight last week when i tried it! Yet I had a glimmer of something going on....could it be???? NAHHHH I don't deserve that! I did nothing for it!

So yesterday I went to my new regular weigh in scale. 313 came up. It actually kept fluctuating between 312.6 and 313.2 and everything in between. NO way!!!!

I got off...and got on again...same thing.

I got off....got my CAMERA out of my pocket and got on again. Same thing.

Umm nurse???? When was the last time this thing was calibrated? IS it accurate? Yes, yes it is....we just had it calibrated this week! Well dang...that means it was calibrated YESTERDAY since it was Tuesday! I know the photo is hard to read, bit it actually says 312.9. You might be able to click on it to enlarge it and see it better!

Well HOT DAMN!!!! This is definitely a mercy week! I didn't deserve it, but I will accept it.

Side note: Adam says it is probably residual loss from my body working so hard before. It doesn't know not to burn them calories, plus added muscle burns more calories. Makes sense...But I am gonna just go with the Jesus theory. He showed me mercy and grace....

The Ultimate Smackdown!

2009-02-23T18:28:00.004-05:00

Hello Blogland! Despite all the encouragement I get from hearing about you and how you struggle and get back up, in the moment of it happening, it is much more difficult to write about the struggle in the midst of it. It is much easier to stay silent until I am sure I am on my way back out of the hole. SO much for this being moment by moment...day by day...the good, the bad, and the downright ugly! I was wondering when the last time was that I struggled really really bad...and it has truly been months! How quickly I forget the depths to which I can go.

Anyway, as you all know, this past week was my first week in my new home, in Detroit. I came right into being a full time mom to my 6 nieces and nephews (5 under 4yrs old) while their parents were out of town. I have done this before, but typically I am in THEIR home where things seem less chaotic than here at mom's. I got nothing unpacked or sorted, leaving me feeling out of control, especially since until they left, there really was no hope for that. Then, I was eating poorly out of laziness. I just didn't feel like preparing a 2nd meal for myself after preparing a meal for the kids and since mom had already planned their meals for them, again I FELT out of control. SO then with the exception of 2 workouts, I threw the gym out the window. I mean heck, if I was gonna be out of control, why not be COMPLETELY out of control! Why not eat exactly what I want even if it produces stomach pains and runs to the bathroom! And if I am REALLY honest with myself, after my Wednesday spin experience, I wasn't too thrilled about going back to that Y, which means unless I am willing to have a conversation about it, I need to let some things there go.

In hindsight and through the eyes of someone pulling her head out of her A** or umm the sand...yeah the sand, I had and do have far more control than I think. Sure there are circumstances beyond my control, but I decide what to put in my mouth, I decide whether to go to the gym no matter what. I decide what my attitude is gonna be about this whole thing. SO what if my space is not in order yet! Does that REALLY have to affect the rest of my choices? So what if some stranger judges me without knowing what I can do? I know what I can do!

It also helped to get some good feedback from Coach and Aaron. OK, really it is a smackdown! Here is what I got from them.

From Coach:
1. I wouldn't be surprised if it takes you a good month to really settle into a productive routine again where you are in reasonable control of your food, exercises, and available resources.
(HA! This is good to remember and to actually consider. I am still getting my head wrapped around the concept that it will take time to adjust...I am hoping for less than a month, but I will try to give myself grace in the meantime)
2. This is a long road. A few "messed up" weeks here and there is nothing to needlessly spend emotional energy fretting over. (yes, this is why Coach is Coach people...he is always good at seeing the big picture when I focus on the step in front of me too much! He is also far more patient than I about taking things easy, and setting myself up for the long haul. I just wanna blaze ahead and do it perfect!)
3. This time is different. Same principles and goals apply. Now you have a different setting to apply them within. Environment was in the driver's seat in the past. Now you are. (YES I AM ....and to quote our President...YES I CAN!...but gosh it sure is easier in my old environment...at least in the end...I am quick to forget about the 3 months it took me to get into a good routine and develop good habits, no matter what...I certainly didn't start out last September the way I was going in January!)
4. Do this thang. (AKA Get er done....take care of business...do what I gotta do!....Yes Sir!)

From Aaron:

Also, what if...you viewed your current situation from a perspective of gratitude. God has been gracious enough to disrupt a routine that you had perhaps grown too comfortable in and he has placed increased challenges in front of you because he knows you can handle it. If you are really going to have lasting change you will at some point need to learn how to stick with it when unhealthy eating choices are constantly right under your nose and your workout environment isn't the cushy and friendly DDH. How fortunate that you GET to be faced with those challenges right now to develop further strength in those areas. God must really love you and believe in you! Lucky!

OK, my initial reaction was to drive across the state and smack this man. (Sorry Aaron...you didn't know that you were in danger!) Seriously, I had a good dose of self pity and whining going on! I don't wanna be here! I wanna be there! I don't like it! I miss DDH! I miss my friends! I don't have any control! I don't...I want....I can't....blah blah blah! However, when I step back...he is right and he disrupted my whining! (God please don't let me end up being like Joelle, if I make TBL!) And he is right! I am blessed! My God is not a God of Comfort, but He is one of Mercy and Grace. He doesn't always give me what I want, but he always provides for my needs. It has been one week. I will make new friends. If I give it a chance, I will learn to enjoy my new gym and perhaps even make some new workout buddies. I might in time come to even like Ann, The Legend! But no matter what, I will become stronger. I will learn to choose me and do right by me, no matter what the circumstances. I know I can do this because My God loves me and believes in me!! I am Lucky! Thanks Aaron for pointing that out and reminding me!

Now that my update about food and exercise for last week is finally written here is some more news....get ready blogland....Coach and Aaron don't even know this yet! hehehe

In addition to doing the Triathlon Relay again (swimming 1000 meters this time), I am going to train and see if I can't get myself in enough shape to do two legs of a Triathlon over Labor Day Weekend. Labor Day weekend happens to be my birthday weekend and I think I really like the idea of doing something fun and healthy and for me that weekend. Perhaps this will become my new tradition. Anyway, I am for sure going to be able to swim 500 meters, but then I want to run 5K as well by September. So I will have to find a female biker, as the tri that I would be doing is an all female event. I don't think I will have a problem finding one! By making this a goal and by speaking it out, it gives me a reason other than plain old exercise to get to the gym each day. It is highly motivating for me!

With that, I am gonna go to the gym. I know my guys are getting ready to spin their butts off with Jeff right now, so I might as well be there running mine off right along with them! Just in a different location!

Out of the mouths of Babe's

2009-02-22T12:39:00.003-05:00

OK, I WAS gonna take a photo to go along with this post, but well, after I took it I decided it was just absolutely wrong and possibly criminal to subject you to a photo of my belly roll. My thought was I should get the humiliation over with now just IN CASE I make it on TBL. But rational thoughts kicked in when I saw the photo and I decided, IF I make it on the show, I will cross the bridge of showing my belly to the world when I get there. Until then, use your imagination if you don't have a belly roll, or picture yourself if you do. If you are using your imagination though, please use someone other than myself for your visual! :-)

So here is the story to go with the title!

I was changing into my workout clothes this week when my 2 yr old niece walked in to see what I was up to. She found me shirtless. Oh well! She is 2 right!! What can a 2 yr old possible think?

Emma: Auntie, what are you doing?

Me: Well I am changing my clothes, so I can go to the gym.

Emma: Auntie, what is that? (mind you she is pointing at my belly roll!)

Me: hmmm...well Emma, that is my belly.

Emma: Me don't like it!

Me: Me neither, Babe, me neither!

Later, after the gym we were cuddling and watching something on Nickelodeon and she says.

Emma: Auntie, you have a belly here (pointing to the roll she doesn't like) and here (pointing to the 2nd roll but only on one side of me) and here (pointing to the other side)

Me: Yep, I do. :-(

Emma: Me don't like it!

Me: Me neither, Babe, Me neither!

Gotta love their honesty, but dang! Does it have to be THAT honest? Can't they spin it just a little so as not to sting quite so much?

Why I felt great here!

2009-02-22T01:20:00.004-05:00

I have been following this guy Jason's blog for the last couple months because, well, he is amazing. He has lost 130 LBS and now runs ultra marathon's and yet he still battles daily with food. He is an inspiration of what is possible for me if I stick to what I say I want! So he is having a fun little contest on his blog that is all about finding a photo that you think you look great in, regardless of size or looks and then telling him(you, my readers) why I felt great in that photo.

Well I have a couple photos.

One is of me, coming out of the water after swimming 500 meters in the Triathlon Relay I did last Labor Day. While in general, I do not like bathing suit photos, I love this one because I am doing something athletic, despite my size, with my friends and having a blast. (That is my friend Todd who came to cheer me out of the water after his swim.)I set out to do something that seemed impossible, I learned how to swim, and trained to be able to go the distance and I finished! In 2009, I will be swimming 1000 meters and perhaps in 2010, I will either do the whole thing or do 2 legs of it!

This one is me and my brother when I was about 4 1/2 years old. I have found a few old photos of me as a kid and I love this one for 2 reasons. 1. It is me and my brother appearing to be getting along. Growing up I don't recall many times of getting along with him so it is neat to see us looking like we liked each other back then:-) Secondly, this photo was most likely taken, pre-abuse, and therefore pre-weight gain.

The last one is me running with Coach. I know, I posted this photo a few blog posts back and yes, it is a posed picture taken to show a friend, but regardless of whether this particular moment is posed or not, I can run. I am running. Another thing I never thought I would be able to do, let alone enjoy doing, on some level.

Lady! Don't Judge Me!!!

2009-02-18T23:38:00.005-05:00

WARNING: This is gonna be a rant as well as an update. If you don't like the rant, skip down a little.

I strongly dislike the general prejudgement that occurs with fat people. Particularly me. The expectations of what fat people CAN do or are WILLING to do is generally set low. If children rise or settle to the expectations set before them, what will fat people do, when others expect little from them or of their capabilities. We already face life doubting our physical capabilities, we don't need others saying out loud or insinuating that our beliefs are right, because they are not! We, fat people, and really anyone, can do and achieve far more than we ever thought possible if we first try and 2nd don't give up. I, for one, can do far more already than I ever thought possible and I am STILL over 300 lbs.

Here is the experience tonight that precipitated this rant!

I went to my new gym tonight for a spin class. At my old gym (DDH) I knew what to expect. Full spin classes all the time, so get there early and sign me and my friends in right away. I got there early and stopped at the front desk.

"I would like to do the 8 PM spin class tonight. Is there a sign up involved or how does it work?"

Twiggy girl at the front desk(whom I could blow over if I breathed heavy) gives me a surprised and hesitant look and then says , " Oh, well have you ever spun before? Because it can be pretty intense."

Me: Yes I have spun before, I just moved from Grand Rapids and have been spinning at DDH for a few months now.

Twiggy: Oh ok (still looking unsure of my abilities) well tonight's instructor is Ann and she is somewhat of a legend around here for being really really intense. The 8 PM class never fills up so if your SURE you still want to do it, just go down to the room at 8.

Ok, so at this point my head conversation was NOT NICE. I was calling her some not so nice names that start with a B at this point at her judgement of me based on my size! (Yes, I am censoring my language at this point. But you know what I was thinking!)

So I head off, and run sprints for about 40 minutes before class. Fortunately there was no bad experience here, except I caught one girl staring at me running. Oh well, after my initial experience, I am prone to assume the worst about her staring, but I am gonna let it slide. After all, I used to work in this town and she may have just been recognizing me, but not sure.

At 7:50 I headed over to the spin room to get set up on my bike before class started. I met one guy in the hallway who had not spun before, but looked fit enough.

I get my bike, set it up, adjust the height and seat/handlebar positions and get comfortable.

Ann comes in, gets set up, gets the class started then comes over to me to "set me up".

Ann: So how does your seat height feel.

Me: Good, I have a slight bend in my knee, I am good.

Ann: Good, how about the position of your seat/handlebars?

Me: That is good, when my feet are at 9 and 3 my knee is right above my foot and in line with the pedal, etc. GRIN

Ann looks at me kind of surprised but proceeds to tell me how to use the resistance dial. I nod vigorously, because of course I already know...she didn't get the clue and proceeds on.

Ann: ok, if at anytime you feel the resistance is too high, you can back it off and go at your own pace. Don't feel like you need to keep up and if you decide the class is too much it is ok to leave early.

Kim: very big smile....(but I am pissed! How dare she assume I cannot spin or that I would want to quit! How dare she give me an out.?!?!? An excuse to not finish what I start!) Thank you! But I won't be quitting!

ok, Adam has already told me I could have made it easier on her by telling her I spin already. But I was already irritated by the earlier experience with Twiggy. But really I am more ticked off about the general prejudgement of overweight people. She has no idea of where I have been or what I am up to. She has no idea and she assumed that I might want to quit! Fat people just starting out with any kind of exercise don't need fit people insinuating that we can't handle something because of our size! We(I) am stronger than you might think, jsut cuz you can't see my muscles doesn't mean they are not there! We don't need anyone insinuating that we can take the easy road, because it might get hard. We (I) have taken the easy road for far too long! The easy road is not all it is made out to be. We don't need anyone giving us a free pass or an out, we give ourselves that card far too often. And we certainly don't need anyone telling us it is OK to not finish what we start! Is it ok for a trained athlete to not finish because it gets hard? I think not! If every distance runner, triathlete, olympian, or biker quit when it got difficult, we wouldn't have any of these great athlete's to look to for examples of dedication, commitment, and courage.

In general, I may not have been so irritated by this had I not had a completely different experience at DDH. My first spin class, I was INVITED in by Jeff, an amazing instructor, who never showed any doubts about my ability to not only start but FINISH his class. He believed I could do it and encouraged me to try it despite my fears. Sure he told me to feel free to not stay at the same pace as the rest of the class, but he had already ASKED me if I had spun before and KNEW based on conversation that I had not and that I was afraid. Instead of giving me an option to quit, he gave me an option to take a break if I needed it, but to try and keep my legs spinning as much as possible and to come right back in as soon as I was ready. He set me up for success with the idea that I CAN DO THIS, instead of planting the idea that it would be ok to quit. I am grateful for this experience. Even more so now than ever. At that time, I knew I had to finish it, but I didn't have to do it again. But because I finished and because I have others who believe I can, I now spin all the time!

Ann did not have a conversation with me. She assumed things about me because of my size and that I had never been to HER class before then based her dialogue with me on that. That is what bugs me.

By the way....this legend I heard about. I don't get it. The class was an hour long (longer than anything I took at DDH) It did not come CLOSE to comparing to Jeff or Emily's classes at DDH. Will one of you please come show them how to spin here in Detroit?

Lesson to all you skinnies....DON'T tell me I can't do something because of my size. I might be fat(for now) but I am not incapable. I might do things slower, but I will do them. I might not have perfect form, but I will get there, but only by continuing to work at it. I MIGHT even be at greater risk of injury by attempting some of the things I am doing, but if you are gonna speak to me on that level, you better either be in my inner circle or have some serious people skills so that your concern doesn't fall on deaf ears, cuz if I sniff a hint of judgement, you will be like a clanging gong in my ears and I just might set out to prove you wrong.

OK, this is long enough. I am tired. You will have to get an update on everything else tomorrow!

Lasts and Firsts

2009-02-16T10:55:00.005-05:00

Well folks, I have left my home for a new home. I prolonged the inevitable for as long as possible. Finally after running in for a quick minute(turned into almost 3 hours) to Aaron's house to pick up a shirt I left there, he told me it was time to go, and essentially kicked my procrastinating, GR loving self out of his home! That is a first! I have never heard of him kicking anyone out of the home that welcomes anybody, anytime! :-)

The "See ya Later" Party was Saturday night and since it was so last minute, ended up being nice and small. I was actually glad for this, which is a first. My normal personality says, "the more the merrier!" This time, I was glad for just a few! It was nice to hang out, play rock band, sing terribly, and watch my friends(some of them) sing terribly! The boys touted this party as a "Lincoln's Birthday Party, Valentine's Day, and a See Ya Later!" shindig. They made a sweet card and had everyone write notes in it! Check it out!!! I think it was pretty creative and sweet, especially since it was all conceived and created by boys, er umm men!! Oh and for snacks at this gathering, a beautiful bowl layered with fresh berries of varying colors! Very impressive and pretty! Wish I had taken a picture of that!

I even got Godiva chocolates, from a man, on Valentine's Day! That is a first! Ok before you all start thinking anything, it was a spontaneous and sweet gesture at helping me get my chocolate cravings in without blowing the calorie budget from one of "the boys"! 8 of these delightful pieces of heaven are only 25 calories! And even if the craving is really really bad, you COULD eat the whole container and still not blow your calories so far out of the water that it is unrecoverable! I might need to buy stock in Godiva now!!!

Apparently, I cannot count! There are 9 pieces here! You get the idea!

I arrived at my new home last night about midnight and since my bed was not made and there were 6 young children sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor (we are watching the nieces and nephews this week) I did not unload my car or make my bed, and just went to sleep on the couch. Of course that means at 7 AM those small children began waking up and of course they are super excited to see their Auntie who they haven't seen since Christmas! Here are a couple of the faces I awoke to far too early this morning!

My first breakfast! Oh man, cinnamon toast crunch, cocoa puffs, or cheerios with banana! What do you think I chose? I didn't have these choices in GR!

My first real temptation. This was offered to me by one of those sweet faced children shown above. The half eaten cookie itself was not a temptation. It was resisting the sweet sweet plea of a handsome 4-year old boy who just wanted to share what he considers sweet goodness with me. "Please Auntie, eat my cookie!" he pleaded. "I want to share it with you!" I resisted!

In just a little bit, I will complete my first workout here. I will run/walk 1 mile to a friends house, where i will visit her and her new baby boy! Then I will run/walk home. This will be a first for me to run outside, where it is cold and where if I am tired I can't just stop, walk off the track and go home. I actually have to make it all the way home. I think running it will be warmer than walking it and since my mom will have 6 small children at home with her, there won't be any rides! :-) It will be a matter of do it or freeze!!

Later, the children have asked me to take them to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner and to play. This will be a wonderful navigation process as tomorrow is weigh in day! As of Saturday I was down 3 LBS. I am not about to eat a piece of salty pizza and mess that up. If I stay at least 3 lbs down I will be hitting the 40+ lb mark which means I am almost to 50 Lbs, which means I am almost 1/4 of the way to my goal, which is almost done! I can see the finish line if I can make it to the 1/4 mark and that is just around the corner!!

Reality Settling In

2009-02-12T23:34:00.004-05:00

It has been a quiet week for me in blogland. I have been keeping up on reading what is going on, but have been pretty quiet.

In three days I leave to go back to Detroit. On one hand I am completely ok with this. I am going without fear of falling off the wagon so to speak yet aware of all the potential pitfalls that will come with a huge transition, especially back into the very place I learned my poor eating habits. On the other hand, I am beginning to realize how sad I am to be leaving this place I call home.

Up until yesterday, I have been able to live in blissful denial that when I leave on Sunday, I am not coming back in just a few days as I have with previous visits home. I have been avoiding saying goodbyes. I have actually even avoided seeing some people because I knew it would be that much harder. Believe it or not, I thought it would be easier to just slip out of here, nice and quiet like. Fortunately and unfortunately, I have some good friends who will not allow such a thing to happen and now a shindig has been planned, however the word good bye will not be allowed! While this will no doubt be a grand time of being with my people, those who have been my family here on the West Coast, it just makes everything that much more real. So today was quite a somber day as I really let it sink in exactly who and what I will miss.

While at the gym tonight with Adam and Aaron, I was painfully aware that I have 2 more days of workouts in this place. As I looked around the gym, seeing the treadmills, I began to think (and don't tell anyone, but I even teared up a bit) about how last September I was walking for 30 minutes at 2.5 or 2.8 and I was done. Then I realized, I just finished run/walking a mile after a 45 minute spin class which was preceded by another mile! David D. Hunting (the gym) has been good for me and good to me. It is incredibly significant that I can now easily spend 2 hours in this place. That I now run. I spin. I do aerobics classes and Pilate's. I have lost 38 LBS in this place. I will miss it. But more than just the gym, I will miss the familiarity I have in this place. The faces, while I don't know their names, their faces just fit in my head when I think of the gym.

I will miss the muscle head with the blond spiky hair who seems to be there whenever I am, no matter if it is morning or night workouts.

I will miss seeing the short balding old guy who also seems to be there whenever I am. Do these people live at the gym?

Spin instructors, Jeff and Emily. and Lorenzo from 6:30 Monday night class, who seems to think it is completely normal for a 300+ lb person to be in spin class. (I think so now too, but not at first)

I will miss Coach scaring the living daylights out of me whenever he and I happen to be at the gym at the same time. ( I cannot believe I am putting that in black and white!)

I cannot list all the people and things I will miss. But you get the idea. There is much to be missed here. Familiar places and faces those who don't know me and those who know me oh so well.

On the upside (is this denial or deflection creeping back in?) I get to go and try and re-create this in a new place! Reality is back. While the nameless familiar faces in the gym can be replaced with new nameless familiar faces, it is the familiar and known faces that can never be replaced, just added to.

Fully Assessed!

2009-02-09T14:02:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had a FULL Assessment completed. Typically these sorts of things are planned in advance and rarely happen on Sunday evenings, but I am not one to do things the "normal" way.

One of my workout buddies loves snow and cold and winter, simply because it means more skiing for him. He loves it so much (and I think because he has a good heart) he has decided to become a ski patroller. This is a huge commitment as it will take almost 2 years (ski seasons) to get fully certified. Anyway, he has been learning in his classes how to assess for injuries and how to splint and sling and basically secure injuries for transport back to the ski office! And he needed to practice!

I, being a GREAT friend, decided he could practice on me, so he showed me how he can sling my arm making it immobile. But of course, he says that to really get good practice he would normally do a full assessment and he wouldn't know what the injury is going in. Without thinking, I said "ok, we can do that!" He later informs me that full assessment really means FULL assessment. I didn't get the hint and said, "whatever you need for practice buddy!

Remind me to stop and think before I say this kind of thing! Really!!!

So at some random point in the evening, I developed an injury and fell to the floor with as much drama as I could muster and hollered, "Help, I have fallen and can't get up!"

After several minutes, he came running in and introduced himself to me and I began laughing! How can one be serious, when you are laying on the floor, with a man looming over you smiling and introducing himself, when I know darn well who he is!

He begins his assessment, walking on his knees from one side of me to the other as he is talking trying to figure out where my pain is. He figures out rather quickly that my upper arm is broken and hurts like hell!(not really, I am still pretending...and laughing). However, as a good ski patroller, he cannot assume that is my only injury. Since he didn't see me fall, he doesn't know if I hit my head or if I was knocked out for any amount of time or how I fell!

All this time, he repeatedly is saying my name every time he asks me a question or says anything to me! He begins his assessment with my head.

He pats my head repeatedly and vigorously (I think he was checking for blood) Then he gets really close and tells me to open my eyes wide so he can look in them. (Not sure what he was looking for, but I was near hysterics at this point from laughter).

He moves on to my neck and checks that out feeling for injuries.

So far, this is all humorous to me. This guy doing this, is and is not the same guy I know. He is attempting to be very professional, but since I keep dissolving is giggles it is difficult for him to do his job! Poor guy!

So far, head and neck are fine. At this point he is supposed to check the sternum. Thank God he opted out of that one. I am not sure what that would have involved but I am PRETTY CLEAR that the sternum is too darn close to "the girls" for him to be touching!

He moves on to the ribs! Oh my gosh! I am now wishing I had not agreed to a full assessment. The only person to ever touch my ribs or stomach is a DR and even then I am NOT comfortable! Seriously, who needs or wants to touch rolls of fat!! How far down does one have to push to reach the ribs to determine if there is an injury there or not! It is at this point, I realize I am incredibly ticklish!

Ok, I never thought I was ticklish. I never let anyone touch me in the spots that one is usually ticklish to find out if I am. Well, I now know. I am incredibly ticklish!!! So, now as he is pushing on my fat to reach my ribs, then moving on to my BELLY to assess something there...I am not sure what though, then on to my hips....I was equally mortified and feeling quite sorry for this poor and dear friend of mine.

I am not being a good patient with all my giggling, and then he has to be subjected to that!

At this point, he is just laughing at me! I have no idea what he is thinking and am not sure I would want to know. If he wants to, he can come and post his thoughts, but I doubt he will.

Apparently, my ribs and stomach are injury free and he moves on to my legs. More severely ticklish spots to be found as he went down squeezing my legs. Checking for more pain or broken limbs. While I am quite proud of my legs as they are incredibly strong and fairly well muscled for a girl of 300+ LBS (thanks spin class) It is still something to have some guy touching my thighs and calves!

Finally he finishes his assessment, splints my arm, and puts a sling on , then tells me to stand up. Little does he know, it is difficult to stand up at my size with only one arm......but I did it!!!

Ok, I hope this story turns out as funny in writing as it was in real life.

Oh for the day when I am comfortable enough in my body and with my weight that the uncomfortable factor is not nearly as present. After all I do want to be married someday, and I hear touching is a regular part of married life...at least in healthy marriages :-)

Friend, you did a good job, despite my poor behavior, and despite forgetting to ask about allergies, medications, and last food intake! I swear I will be a better patient next time....if there is a next time :-)

I do not like them, Kim I am!

2009-02-06T13:58:00.003-05:00

To Coach's delight, I finally followed his advice and went and got new shoes. I went to a local store, advertised for being a runner's dream. A place owned by runner's, who employs runners, and trains those same avid runners to outfit feet properly.

I have to admit, I was quite intimidated to go in there. That is probably the biggest reason why I have put it off as long as I have. The "crazy" thoughts I had was that they would laugh when I told them I needed proper running shoes because I, yes I, am running! Well, that didn't happen. And of course, just the opposite happened. They were incredibly encouraging. Asking me all sorts of questions about where I run and how much and what got me started and everything in between.

I was in the store for almost an hour! I don't spend that much time in any one store unless it is the grocery store!!! After having to take my shoes off, roll up my pants and walk for the very kind lady, I hear a "HUH"..."Hey Nancy, come look at this!" OK that was not encouraging. SO another lady came over and watched me walk. Nancy and the other lady talked for a few minutes and determined that yes they were seeing the same thing. Apparently I have unique feet. Either that or they are very good at making me feel like I do! Here is the final assessment!

1. My feet tend to go towards the outer edge of the foot. OK, I didn't need a special shoe store to tell me that. I know I walk on the outside edge of my shoes. But sooo much less than when I was younger!!!

2. Not only that, but at the same time I roll my feet out, my arch begins to collapse in.

3. This was not a formal part of the assessment, but my feet are HUGE! Normally I wear a size 10, but apparently in running shoes, to have proper fit you have to go a little bigger...but one foot is slightly longer than the other...so my shoes are now a size 11!!!!

With that said, they recommended a stability shoe. One that has added arch support and yet is built up on the outside also to help prevent the side foot walking. In addition, since they are built up they have a "nice, wide base" for additional support. Well, given my shoe size there were not many to choose from. Although I was quite excited when she brought out a pair of sweet looking green ones! But those didn't work. So sad, because they LOOKED so cool!

In the end, this is what I got.

I have had 2 workouts in them. I do not like them. I am not sure whether it is just an adjustment to properly fitting shoes or not, so I am probably going to give them 1 more workout then we will see. But if I had my way right now, they would be back at the store. Here is what I don't like/feels weird.

1. I feel like they make me turn my knees more inward, towards each other. Perhaps this is the proper position for the knees, but it feels weird.

2. I notice it pushing the outer sides of my feet up, which is probably what is affecting the knee position.

3. Ladies, do you remember back in Jr High, intentionally "switching"? You know what I am talking about! Where you walk in such a way to deliberately swing your hips from side to side? For some reason in Jr. High, my group of girlfriends thought the exaggerated hip swing was cool or sexy or ...something. Well, I feel like these shoes make me do that. Now that I am NOT in Jr. High anymore and have plenty of hips, they don't need extra help with the swing action!

4. I can't run in them!! They are like wearing cement blocks on my feet! And this was the LIGHTEST pair I tried on! Last night I did 1 mile in them and was completely spent! I felt like I ran super slow(which Coach warned me that I might, given the additional stability stuff-he has them and calls them dorkomatics). All that gray material is additional support for the arch!

5. Today I did my aerobics class in them and tried to see what I could do as far as sprints on the treadmill. In aerobics class, it was ok. They still felt really heavy but at one point I was getting a pinch or something in my left arch. Not painful, but not right either. The sprints on the treadmill...I have been able to consistently do 1 minute sprints for the last week at 4.8. I am back to barely being able to do 30 seconds. I feel like I am starting over in running. It sucks!

I am trying to give it a couple workouts to really test them out. I am sure there needs to be some sort of adjustment period, right? And if the stuff that is just weird about how they feel is normal, then the biggest thing is the heaviness of them and I really probably do have to "start over" to some degree with my running. Grr...I do not like them!

Bonus? I got a discount for being a YMCA member...and an additional discount because while I was there, I helped them with coming up with their marqee slogan for the coming week. One side will say "Love them Local RUnners" the other side will say "Running builds strong hearts" hehehe

Bump in the Road, Need to Fix a Flat!

2009-02-05T14:56:00.003-05:00

Today, as I was sitting here, figuring out how much I ate today, I realized I haven't been tracking in my spreadsheet this week what I have been eating. I don't think I have gone over calories as I have had a mental tally in my head each day, but I also know I have not been as diligent in looking up the calories either since I was not writing them down.

Being in a new, temporary place has messed with my routine. Previously, my laptop was always on or near me. Before I would even eat, I would log what I was about to eat unless I was not at home. At this home, my laptop is packed away since I can't use it for the internet and I have been using the computer here in the house. Where I am going, there won't be wireless access for my laptop, therefore, I am going to need to change some things up. I am thinking that my spreadsheet will have to be online, probably as a google document, so that I can access it anytime, from any computer, just by logging in.

Here is the other thing, having a big loss in one week seems to have given me a lazy attitude about all of this. AS IF I HAVE TIME OR ROOM TO BE LAZY IN THIS!!! Small things, like I can have that piece of chocolate, because I lost 5 lbs. Or extra rice or whatever won't be a big deal, because I lost 5 lbs. It doesn't help that in the week I lost 5 lbs, I had 2 days off from the gym, had cookies at a Super Bowl party and wings while out with friends one night! While I don't feel guilty for those luxuries and I really did allow room for them in my calories for the most part, I cannot allow it to justify current behavior.

So, I will work on getting a google document set up. In the meantime, I will at least write things down on a piece of paper. And no more lazy thinking. I have to be just as diligent this week as I have been in the past. Especially in the week before I move home which will be such a huge transition week. I HAVE to go into that one feeling strong and confident and not defeated lest all the changes get the best of me!

PS Angie...I know you are gonna read this....who do you know from my collage photos???

Meet Coach!

2009-02-05T09:32:00.004-05:00

Tailwagger! This is for you!! This is the man I call Coach. He isn't "really" a coach, he has just acts like one and since he knows stuff about EVERYTHING, I tend to listen to him. Notice, my legs are stretched out, but HE is practically stepping on his toes to keep his stride short enough to keep up with me, or to allow me to keep up with him!

At this point last night, I was DONE, but alas I told a friend I would take a picture with coach because she wanted to see me running next to a guy 10 inches taller than me. (she thinks I am tall) Anyway, I did Pilate's and ran/walked 1 mile in the morning. Later I went back for spin class with the boys, but decided to see if I could do 2 classes in a row! I don't think I will be doing that again. In the second class I hardly did any standing runs at all (I don't always do these), but I refused to lighten my resistance. I figured if I was gonna attempt 2 in a row, I would attempt it all the way. I made it through, but today....my ASS hurts!!! I think I burned 3000 calories yesterday! That was the fun part!

Oh and I lost 5 LBS this past week! Whoo HOO!!!! I am now at a grand total of 37 LBS which is just over 10% of me is gone from when I started!!! SO EXCITING!!!!!

Grrr...stupid formatting, I can't get my paragraphs to separate!

Follow Up to...A Different Perspective

2009-02-03T00:20:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking for a while now that I might have to venture out onto the track and do some running there. I have actually been thinking about this since I wrote about my late night attempts at running, in the dark, so no one will see me. However, I never spoke it out loud until the other day. It is amazing how speaking something out loud makes a dream or vision that much more real.

So yesterday, I tried it and I decided to hold my head high and look around me as I did it instead of avoiding eye contact.

What an incredible time!! I walk/ran for 2 miles yesterday! I ran slower than I do on the treadmill, but I was trying to make it the whole way around the track before stopping as opposed to running a maximum of 1 minute, but still, I did it!

Here is what I noticed. When on the treadmill, it appears that no one really notices you except maybe the 1 or 2 people to your right and left. Outside of that, you are just one of 50 people lined up on the machines. However, those machines face the track. I run along the perimeter of the basketball courts, for all to see. Past the free weight and stretching areas which have mirrored walls, so even if one is not facing the track, they see what is happening on the track. Then there are all the runners and fast walkers who pass me too. There is much more exposure on the track than on the treadmill. Which means more attention.

One lady ran up next to me, and at this point I was nearing the end of a lap and had my head down, simply because I was concentrating on keeping one foot in front of the other, playing a mental game to keep running the final yards til I could walk again. Anyway, she ran up next to me, put her hand out to get my attention and when I looked up she smiled and gave me the thumbs up sign and moved on. Huh. That was different.

Another guy was leaving the "meathead area"(where the muscle builders hang out) and he was heading out to walk the track. He smiled and nodded at me as I ran past him. Then as I came around again, he had gone to the stretching area. Every time I passed him, he looked up at me and smiled. Huh. That was different.

In fact, I noticed several people as I looked around looking up at me, smiling and deliberately making eye contact with me. Now I don't know their stories. Maybe some of them are former fatties trying to send some vibes of encouragement my way as Jason posted about on his blog. Maybe there were some that were amused at the sight of a 300+ lb woman attempting to run...or maybe there were some that were just encouraged that if "she" can do it, then I can too. Who knows. All I know, is I was encouraged to keep circling that track despite burning legs and lungs.

Today, I went again. I did Pilate's in the morning, followed by a 2 mile run/walk. Then went to spin class tonight where I fully believe the instructor was punishing US for HIS week off, but that is another story. After a bit of a break where I talked to Coach, I decided I had enough in me to at least run/walk 1 more mile. Plus I kinda wanted to show off what I could do. Hadn't been to the gym with him in a bit so this was new to him too. Oh what fun to actually run with someone!!! He ran/walked with me (except he skipped the last lap-WIMP!). Now you all don't know this man I have taken to calling Coach, or most of you don't, but he is a man that stand 6'5 and runs somewhat fast, comparatively to me anyway (he wouldn't say he is exceptionally fast though). I am 5'7 and have 100 lbs on him. But besides weight and time spent running or physical fitness levels....his legs alone could out pace me simply by walking while I ran. So it was somewhat comical to see this man shorten his stride by half, then half again so he could match mine and not pass me. However, I had no oxygen to spare for such luxuries as laughter, so I tucked it away in my head to laugh about later! All in all, it was fun to run with him and to have him counting down how much further we had to go. Normally I am playing the mental game of telling myself...one more corner, just this section of weights, only 20 more paces....but instead he did it for me! So fun! Oh how I will these men in my daily life!

THIS TIME....is different!

2009-02-02T23:46:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is another weigh in day. I am not anticipating much of a loss, if any. Simply because well...it is that time in which I retain much fluids. But it doesn't matter, cuz THIS TIME is different.

I ate some chocolate today, and yesterday even had SEVERAL cookies and cornbread and chili and didn't worry so much about counting my calories so religiously, but that is ok, cuz THIS TIME is different.

On Saturday I really didn't feel like going to the gym and had to work hard to talk myself through the sprints I was doing and and ended up doing far more than I could imagined (6.5 for 30 seconds....3 times)because THIS TIME...is different.

The other day, I was talking to some good friends who know something of my diet and weight loss history and quite a bit of my story and who I am because of it. (amazingly and wonderfully, they still love me in spite of it or because of it, I am not sure). Anyway, they asked me, "how come THIS TIME is different?" Basically, how can you be sure that this time you won't slip permanently back to your old ways when you get tired or bored or it gets hard? (ok that 2nd part is my inference) Well here is how I know that THIS TIME...really is different.

1. I am doing this for me and not for anyone else. I am not doing what I am doing to please anyone or to fulfill any one's expectation but my own. Not that I don't like to hear that people are proud of my efforts or encouraged in any way, but that is not my motivation, that is a bonus. In the past, I have attempted to lose weight because I thought that is what others wanted or because perhaps others would like me better if I did. Not anymore, this time is different.

2. I started counseling about 1 year ago because I felt very disconnected from my emotions. I would be in situations and be able to see how one might feel a given emotion based on the circumstances, but not really feel it. In this past year, I have learned to feel my emotions, to embrace them and hold them as long as I want to. In the past, if things were going on emotionally, I ate. Completely unconscious to the fact that I was even eating, let alone that it was because there was some emotion going on that I didn't want to feel. Unfortunately, I fed not only what one might consider negative emotions such as sadness, disappointment, or anger, but also the happiness, joy, celebration stuff as well. I now acknowledge and feel most everything and recognize when I resort to eating instead of feeling. Sometimes, my feelings are irrational and not based on any truth, (like disappointment over losing ONLY 2 LBS, instead of 3 or 4) but I still allow myself to feel the feeling fully before I start ambushing it with TRUTH or letting anyone else talk me out of feeling that way either. This time is different!

3. One of the biggest triggers for me emotionally has been my abuse story. I had no idea how huge this was until I started addressing my emotions. In order to address my emotions, I had to be willing to look at this aspect of my life. It took a while, but I have begun to address it and have really experienced so much healing, by the grace of God, and I will continue to address it every time it rears its ugly head. I refuse to let this part of my story have that much significance in my life such that it paralyzes me emotionally, leading to unhealthy eating. This time is different!

4. Ssshhh don't tell anyone but I am kind of excited about exercise. I like leaving the gym, feeling like I have pushed myself a little harder than before and that I didn't quit because it got hard or because it hurt. This time is different!

5. Grace. I have learned and am continuing to learn to extend grace to myself when I mess up. Like the Pringles incident last week. It's OK. One so called mess up does not mean I am not who I say I am or that I am not still working hard. It doesn't make me less of a person or mean that I am bad or a failure. It is simply Pringles being eaten. Grace, such a powerful thing that I can give myself for times when I am tired and weak. See, this time is different!

I am ready. I am confident. Let's do this thang! Because THIS TIME my friends, is different!

Good Day...Bad Day....Good Day...

2009-01-30T12:46:00.003-05:00

This morning I got up and joined a friend at her YMCA to try a class out called "the Last Chance Workout". Just the name of it invokes fear and apprehension and yet I was somewhat excited to try it and see how far I could go. Well, anything cardio I could mostly keep up with...for at least the first 20 minutes of it anyway. Then she had us do this thing. I don't know what it is called so I will describe it to you. First you get into push up position. Regular push ups, not girl push up position, but you have towels under your toes. Then, you begin to walk your hands forward, dragging your body behind you, all the while staying up in push up position. Then you turn yourself around, without getting out of position and walk back. At that point, you stop, remain in position and bring one knee up to your chest (oh but stay in position) and back again repeatedly, then you switch legs and start again. Oh an d don't forget to breathe and hold your core tight, and umm stay in position.

Let's just say I could NOT do this. I mean I am getting stronger and all, believe me I am, but carrying 300+ lbs around on just my arms is a bit much...dontcha think? So I did some Pilate's push ups instead while everyone else dragged themselves around. Little did I know the next thing was push ups off the step....

Later in the class she had us put 4 risers under our step then do a two footed jump up. I have often thought that looked pretty simple while watching it on The Biggest Loser and wondered what the big deal was. Why is there so much fear involved in jumping up? I didn't get it. I mean I could get jumping down ( I don't like to jump off things) but jumping up? Really? OK. I get it. It is hard and it is scary. First off, it is 12-14 inches up. But beyond that, what if I fall? Now that would look silly and be horrifyingly embarrassing. What if I miss and trip over the step? What if....? What if...? Yeah What if. So what. I tried it. I couldn't jump that high with both feet landing at the same time. I did the best I could. But once again, I will not judge TBL contestants until I have jumped where they have jumped.

On another note, I have a special project I am working on tomorrow and I am a tad nervous to say the least. I have been in the kitchen far more frequently than necessary last night and today and it is only 1 PM and I was gone for 3 hours this morning. I even bought a can of pringles. That is when I realized what was going on..."uh-oh, put the can down, count how many you ate (or think you ate) then add 10 more...then count the calories..." So calories are counted, and now I am much more aware of what is going on...nerves are driving my eating today far more than hunger or my plan.... HA! Satan thinks he is wily to sneak old habits in on me!! Back to my plan...back to my plan...and just for those chips, I will be back at the gym tonight sometime!

A different perspective

2009-01-29T12:12:00.003-05:00

I was reading a blog this week by a guy who has lost 130 lbs in 1 year. His story is incredible and following his continued journey has been awesome. He posted this blog. It is amazing how as a skinny person he is able to capture my thoughts so clearly about what I think others are thinking as I workout at the gym. I often don't look fellow gym rats in the eyes as I enter or exit the gym. I don't work out WITH people and I don't talk to people while actually working out. If someone I know does talk to me, I stop what I am doing and talk.

The other cool thing about this blog is that he puts his real perspective on it. What he really thinks as a fit guy running a trail and seeing a new person or a fat person running as well. He is genuinely excited for them and hopes that we fat people see that in his eyes as he watches them and not the judgement that we expect.

All this to say, this world is not as horrible as we think it is. Most people probably don't think what we think they are thinking. More people would probably encourage me on my way, if only I would let them in. And really, how many of those "fit" people I see at the gym are actually former fatties themselves just working hard to keep it off?

So with that, I am gonna continue to Run as though no one is watching, and perhaps...just maybe...you might get some eye contact from me as I run...

Not so Wonky anymore!

2009-01-29T10:35:00.003-05:00

It has been almost a week since I last blogged and all you poor readers must think that I have been living all wonked out in the head all week long. I tell you, my craziness bounces around from day to day. One day I am really struggling and the next I am fine.

Last weeks wonkiness is over, at least for now. I stopped weighing myself daily as that was part of the problem. I worked hard at eating my calories for the day, of course I didn't always meet it but I am working on a system to guarantee no failure in this department! It is called pre-planning! No more of this, "Oh crap! it is midnight and I am 400 calories short!" I am still pushing for 2 hours a day/6 days a week for working out, but I refuse to feel guilty for not being there on my day off.

As for my move...On Tuesday night I had a few men come over and help load my truck! They were amazing! Then on Wednesday, I drove my stuff to my new home in Detroit! For the most part, and on most days, I feel good about this move and I feel very strong about my ability to succeed even there. In my current home, I buy all my groceries so I have complete control of what comes into the house and what does not. I have a great system in place for splurging on "bad stuff". I eat my serving then give the rest to my men friends! Here is the reality I saw while at my new home, with my mom yesterday! On top of the fridge were 3 bags of chips, a big tub of candy, particularly chocolate, ice cream in the freezer and cereal that is in NO WAY healthy whatsoever, I don't care if it says whole grain on it. Fortunately, there were no Slim Jim's around this time, but they are often there. This is all stuff I grew up on. All things I love. In addition to the bad snack stuff, I also grew up on all things fried. Fried chicken, pork chops, fish. If it could be fried, it was. So this will be a challenge to say the least! But despite that fresh reminder of the kinds of temptations I will be facing, I still feel strong and ready. Despite my feelings today, be aware my core team....you might be getting some extra text messages and phone calls! I might need you more than ever before!!

What I am looking forward to in Detroit:

*Finding an amazing church that I can call home and get involved in
*Creating the kind of relationships there that I have here, but never did while there the last time because I just wanted to be here!
*Spending loads of time wrestling with my 8 nieces and nephews and WINNING
*Finding new workout buddies (Sorry Adam, Mike and the occasional Aaron, you will NEED to be replaced on this front)
*Spending time with "my girls" Jen, Clacker and Wizi, I miss you!!
*Spending time with my brothers, especially Ken.
*a JOB??? Perhaps a job will actually be in my future!! I hope so!

I am sure there are more things, but those are the highlights. For now, I remain in GR for the next 2 weeks, saying my goodbyes, and trying not to die from the cats in the house that I will be house sitting for.

Oh by the way, I lost 3 LBS this week! Yahoo!!

Wonked in the Head!

2009-01-21T16:15:00.003-05:00

As I begin to pack things up and the end of my time here draws near, I am getting nervous. Nervous to be heading back to Detroit and nervous about my ability to stay on track. I KNOW this is not Truth that I am feeling but that doesn't make the feelings any less real.

Here is what I have been noticing.

I have begun obsessing on the scale. I have been checking it daily. I know Coach. The body fluctuates from day to day. It is not good to weigh yourself daily. I was and still am disappointed in a 2 LB weight loss for the week. I think it is that realization that has made me really think about all of this stuff. 2lbs in a week is good, I know that. Any loss is good really! But I wanted more, because I leave here in a few weeks, you know.

I was beginning to see myself cut back on calories in the last day or so, knowing full well that that is not the way to do it. Knowing that will just send my body back to a holding pattern. But nevertheless, less calories in makes more logical sense to me than the other way around. So then my next thought is well, if I am not going to cut calories, then I must increase my exercise to burn more calories.

Exercising more means being at the gym more than 2 hours a day. While this may not seem crazy for someone of my size, who wants to lose weight desperately, to do, the motivation is fear more than health. There is a drive in me to lose as much weight as I can before Feb 15th, when I am officially back home with the hopes that the more I have off the easier it will be??? Or sadly, if I can lose another 25 before then, then that is 25 more lbs that I would have to regain if I were to completely fail. 25 LBS is ALOT to lose in one month (unless you are on The Biggest Loser Ranch). It took me 4 months to lose my first 25. In order to cut another 25 in the next month, drastic measures would have to take place.

I don't want to become some person that has eating disorders or crazy ways of managing weight. Maybe I already am that and that is where the struggle is coming in. I do not know for sure. All I know is that I want to be healthy. I want to keep up a healthy balance of diet and exercise now and in Detroit, for this season and for life! I want to be motivated by the feeling of health and energy that rises up in me after a good work out and not the fear that if I don't I won't lose any weight or worse I might gain.

I am writing this blog, just to get the fears out of my head and somewhere else that they won't consume me. I know, that when things are in the light, they cannot control me. It doesn't mean I won't be afraid or nervous or that I won't think about these things ever again. But I am hoping between speaking it out and my team, it won't control me. And as a side note, this isn't how I feel all the time, but it has become more so this week than most.

A.M and M.K, did you have any idea I was this wonked in the head???

One more thing...(I accidentally hit the post button) Slow and Steady wins the race, right??

This past week...

2009-01-18T11:38:00.005-05:00

This past week has been a full one, at least as far as the spectrum that my emotions have run.

At least 4 days this week, I seriously had no motivation to get to the gym. I only succumbed to one day though, so that is a victory! Then on my scheduled day off, I struggled with feelings of guilt that I was not at the gym. Crazy thoughts I know. (Note to self: Be careful that you don't swing to the opposite extreme of food obsession to exercise obsession. While it is good to exercise and work towards health, irrational feelings of guilt are not the direction I want to take exercise, jsu tleads to more disordered thinking instead of a wholly healthy me!)

I have had some fear and anxiety this week as the reality of moving home began to hit as I gathered boxes and at least began the mental/planning process of packing up my life. It seems that for many moments this week, the "peace" I had last week was gone. Doubts about my ability to keep this up came in again, especially as I struggled with motivation to go to the gym. Ultimately, I know I can and will keep it up. I know I am much stronger than ever before. I know I have what it takes. And I know I am not alone in this. The fear and anxiety are just feelings and they are temporal.

Then there is the time I spent with friends this week. Sitting at Founder's or travelling to the Piston's game, I am just noticing what I am going to miss. The easy comfort of conversation that covers everything from teasing to comfortable silence. From encouragement to the deep thoughts and purposes of life. The huge amounts of laughter at and with each other. Even as I type this though, one might think it is all depressing thinking of all that I will miss. While it is sad and I WILL miss this with these people terribly, I am somewhat excited to create something new with new people and in a new place.

The one question I have been getting all week long as the circle expands to who now knows I am leaving is, "Are you coming back?" and "How long is this for?"

I am trying not to dwell on those answers too much. My heart instantly goes to "of course I am coming back and as quickly as possible!" But that heart perspective is not going to be very helpful as I try to create something new in Detroit. People I meet and current friends and family will know my heart is not truly with them, if I am continuously focused on being back in West Michigan. So while I would love to be back, I don't know those answers. I don't know what God has for me. I don't know where He will send me next. But I do know, after driving around Detroit yesterday, that it doesn't feel like home yet. I felt like a visitor in the place I grew up. But that is just for now. Soon, I will make it my home again. Then I will have 2 homes and perhaps the best of both worlds! And it is this thought that helps the fear go away and that eases the anxiety.

On a final note and a completely different subject ( so I don't do a 3rd blog in one day!). Last week while watching TBL, Bob lost it on a girl who didn't seem to be trying. His request (ok demand) seemed simple enough. Run for 30 seconds at 6.5 on the treadmill. I have been running 30 second sprints like these at 4.5 for the last couple of weeks and thought, "good grief girl, just stay on the treadmill for a flipping 30 seconds and you will be done!" I was pretty harsh in my judgement of her and while she may not have been pushing herself as hard as she could, I decided to see just how hard 6.5 for 30 seconds really is. I went Wednesday after spin class for my 1st attempt. I don't know what I was thinking! I had no legs left! I could barely do my 4.5 sprints. What was I thinking trying to jump to 6.5!!! Thank God Coach Mike was there to speak some sense in to me. I went back Friday for attempt #2. I DID IT! One time. I am done with that for now. I will never judge a contestant so harshly again, at least not until I have run 30 seconds in their shoes. In reality, I could feel the impact on my feet. Jumping from 4.5 to 6.5 is probably not the best idea from an "I don't wanna get injured" perspective. So I am now safely tucked in at a 5.0 speed and will work on doing longer sprints for a while instead of speed.

Why oh WHY must my girls be among the first to leave me always??

2009-01-14T00:21:00.005-05:00

I think men have it easy. When they lose weight it seems to come off evenly all over their body. But us women...not so much the case. Women in fact (insert "I") tend to lose weight from the top down. Namely our boobs (aka "the girls") are among the first to go.

**Note to the men** No worries fellas, if you keep reading this entry, it will not get any more graphic than this. I thought about censoring this post for your sakes, then decided not to. It is part of my story...and makes for a somewhat humorous angle of the weight loss journey....at least to us women anyway...you don't have to read it!

While I am excited to be losing weight, I am not excited about this particular loss. Mainly because of the cost to re-dress the girls. Items to support "the girls" are some of the most expensive pieces of fabric a woman owns. (Now this is a rant about the cost of brassieres!) But seriously folks, these items contain the least amount of fabric of anything else I would wear (with exception of a good power panty, of course)! And yet they cost the most to replace. It is one thing to replace them because they are old and you have gotten your money's worth from them, but what a waste to replace them before their life is over!

The industry knows us women. They know that on some level and in some odd sort of way, us women derive a portion of our self confidence from the items of clothing no one will ever see (at least in my case anyway-or until I am married) We pay big bucks to make sure the girls are well supported and dressed beautifully. I wonder what would happen if woman around the world went on strike and refused to pay these big bucks? Hmmm I don't think it will happen.

26 and counting!

2009-01-13T12:57:00.005-05:00

I was quite excited to weigh in today for my "official" weigh in for the Tending the Temple Challenge. I already knew that I had lost weight as I have been tracking things pretty closely since increasing my calorie intake. But besides losing 3 LBS for the challenge I am quite excited to report that I am now able to cross off one of the goals in my sidebar. I have now lost more than 25 LBS!!

Now I am asking myself, "How does one celebrate when one is used to celebrating milestones with food?" Typically celebration looks like a dinner out at the favorite restaurant or a nice big bowl of ice cream or some other yummy something that is just no longer worth the calories to me. So, if you all have any suggestions for non-food related means of celebration I am ready to hear them! Because this is something to celebrate! I mean seriously! 26 lbs gone is....

The size of my 1 year old nephew (OMG I lost Cohen!!)

A small stack of college textbooks

I wonder how much Chugs weighs in the winter, perhaps I have lost Chugs too??

You get the idea....it is ALOT!

Big Changes are a comin'

2009-01-12T15:28:00.003-05:00

Well, now that I have officially told all those that I wanted to share this news with first hand(at least those who read the blog anyway), I can now blog about what has occurred over the last week.

For those that don't know, I have been unemployed for the last year. During this past year, one might think it has been depressing and discouraging, but really God has used this time so hugely to encourage me, strengthen me, heal me, and show me what I have within me. I have learned much about myself in the last year. I could blog for days about all the many lessons I have learned, but I won't. You might get really bored! Plus, some of it is already in the blog archives. However, I will sum it up with this. Who I was a year ago, 6 months ago, and even 1 month ago is a completely different person than I am today. I am confident. I know I am beautiful. I know that I have what it takes for success. I am no longer dependent on others for my success, although it is fun to work out with the likes of Adam and Mike! I have a peace inside me that surpasses my earthly comprehension. I feel whole and complete and I know that I am enough, as I am today. No changes necessary.

With all that said, I am moving back to my hometown of Detroit. (For those not from West Michigan, "Detroit" is a relative term for the East side of the state.) A month ago you might have read a blog about what home is. At that time, I was struck with the idea of having to move from my beloved Grand Rapids, away from the people that have already learned how to support me(or put up with me :-) ), away from my church, and friends who are like family to me... and I was freaking out. Today, I am completely at peace with the decision to move back to Detroit and to establish a place called home there too. I know that I know that the drive and determination to stick with my fitness goals comes from within me and not from external forces (i.e my support system). I get myself to the gym everyday. I choose the food I eat. I choose to go when I don't want to and I choose to let people in to my struggle when I need help. Ultimately, I choose.

I don't think that going back to Detroit and living with family, where I learned poor health habits will be without struggle. I am very aware of what a struggle it may well be. But I am strong. Strong in mind and heart. I am getting physically stronger. I am emotionally stronger and gaining strength daily as I continue to learn to fully experience and not dismiss my feelings. I also know that while I may be 125 miles from my current support system physically, I will take them with me in my heart and via the phone, and email, facebook, and my blog. (I don't know when I will stop looking around the gym while on the treadmill lest Mike scare the living CRAP out of me-PTSD waiting to happen there! And I will probably forever hear Aaron's voice in my head reminding me to look at my heart and that the scale is not the only measure to healthiness-and even if I don't hear it, I have it saved in a text and on email. Then there is Adam very quietly saying "it's not a workout if you're not pushing yourself harder each time")
And when that mode of support doesn't work, I have Jen, Kristin, and Weez in Detroit waiting for me. But the greatest thing I have in Detroit is my brother, Ken. Ken, who quietly made me steamed veggies at Christmas because the other veggies were no longer healthy. Ken, who while travelling in TN, picked me up some of my yogurts so I would at least have that as an option while visiting family. Ken, You have no IDEA what those 2 acts of support have meant to me! You can downplay it all you want, but I am the one your acts of kindness impacted. I have been telling all of Grand Rapids about your quiet support and now all of blogdom knows I have a fantastic brother!

SO bring on the struggle, Satan, you won't win, not this time! (OK, really Satan you can lay off the struggle a bit...but even if you don't YOU ARE GOING DOWN!!!)

I leave you with one of my favorite verses. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Prolonged Calorie Deficit?

2009-01-07T10:19:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I had a great workout! I ran sprints for 20 minutes before a spin class, then did the spin class, then ran for another 20 minutes, then swam a bit (not long cuz I started shivering so bad, I had to get out) I probably burned at least 1200 calories based on this handy calculator my friend gave me. http://primusweb.com/fitnesspartner/jumpsite/calculat.htm Even with the calculator it is still a rough estimate. While I was on the treadmill for 40 minutes total...I was only actually RUNNING for 20 minutes of that time because of how I do the sprints. However, it could still be more because my heart rate was still up even during my rest periods.

I came home really hungry and at my planned dinner. An hour later I was hungry as though I had not eaten yet. This was interesting to me as I am a girl who got to where I am today because I would eat regardless of hunger and most of the time, never let myself get to a point of actually feeling hungry. I ate because food was there, because it was "time to eat", to avoid emotions, as a distraction, to celebrate something good...and even now when I am focusing on weight loss...for fuel, eating every couple hours because I know it is good to do that. Feeling this hungry is somewhat new and puzzling.

All of this prompted a conversation I was having with a friend about how many calories I am eating a day. I have to say that this friend of mine is no dummy. And when he speaks, I generally listen. When he gives his advise or opinion I can rest assured that if I asked he could probably give me at least 3 valid sources for why he thinks the way he does as he has researched whatever "it" is to the nth degree. And while he is no Dr. or nutritionist or personal trainer of any kind, I know he has done lots of research on fitness and health as he reaches for his own goals. All this to say, I trust him when he says, "Kim, I think you are in a prolonged calorie deficit and may be causing more harm than good."

We did some calculations with some online calculators. We talked at length about my exercise levels and food intake levels, even gave him my food log. Talked about body temperature and my ability to maintain a good temperature. All sorts of things were discussed for several hours. And after all of it, we came to the conclusion that despite all my hard work, I probably have not been eating enough to maintain regular body functions and support my exercise levels without my body feeling like it is going into a starvation mode. I should be more at like 1700-1800 calories a day.

While this is good to learn and know as I learn about my body and nutrition and exercise and the whole shabang, it is quite discouraging. It also explains why the results don't seem to be showing on the scale. So I have asked a friend who is a nutritionist to meet with me, to see if she would be willing to help me figure this piece out.

The fear in all of this for me is this. I have spent my whole life focused on food. Finally I have come to a point where food is not my primary focus or my source of comfort. Instead exercise and health is. And at least for now, I have to put the focus back on the food to make sure that I do not do more harm than good and so that I can reach my ultimate goal. I just want balance and I want to be healthy.

Goal Dress

2009-01-06T16:47:00.005-05:00

While in Tennessee for Christmas, my drop dead gorgeous cousin (if I didn't love her so much I would hate her) showed me this dress. I told her that no matter how long it takes, she is NOT allowed to get rid of it until I can fit into it. Here is a picture of my cousin and a picture of the dress. Isn't it sexy?? I love it!! Can you just imagine me in this? I cannot yet...but I want to be able to. With that said, I am gonna grab a bite to eat then go run before spin class!!

One final photo, is me as I am today. I will take another one in the same outfit in a couple months and see where I am then.

Random Thoughts

2009-01-05T23:00:00.003-05:00

Random Thought #1. Having been a person for so long that had to process through everything on a head level to be able to figure out what I "must be" feeling (because it makes sense to feel that way based on the situation), it is interesting to notice feelings and reactions to things so much sooner. It is good to feel things as they are happening and to be able to deal with the feelings and the situation so much sooner, before it has a chance to get in the way of a relationship or stop me from achieving my goals. I feel like a crazy woman sometimes as I am completely happy and content with everything one minute then crying the next or angry or....you get the picture. The interesting thing is this is not crazy, this is called emotional health!

Random Thought #2. It is amazing to me how one day I can be super excited about something and the next...not so much. I have been super excited that I have started running sprints. I know it has only been 2 days. It is new and something I have never done before. It is a milestone in my fitness achievements. It is definitely something to be celebrated. And yet tonight, I was not wanting to run. Oh I wanted to be at the gym. And I wanted to work out. I just did not want to run. But I did, because 1. I know it is a great cardio workout. 2. I need as much cardio as I can get as I work to lose weight and ultimately I want to lose weight more than I don't want to run.

So, as I ran my 30 second sprints for my 30 minute set. I wanted so bad to quit. I was looking for aches and pains that might not be quite right that would let me off the hook. There were none. Yes my legs were tired and at times my breathing was incredibly labored, but I know what to do there....rest a little longer between sprints or slow it down a bit. I kept telling myself that if I really don't want to run tonight, that is fine, I can walk...after I finish what I started. For me, unless there was some sort of physical injury, I had to finish the 30 minute set but I could choose not to start a 2nd 30 minute set. I finished and decided to try the elliptical machine for the rest of my hour of cardio work. I hated that more than I hated running (and that only took 30 seconds to determine that)...so I ran again.

This new mentality to finish what I start because I said so is pretty cool. It shows that I am getting stronger and have what it takes to keep going despite the odds. It shows that even if I don't have someone there pushing me, I can push myself. It shows that I can do this.

I like that feeling. We will see what feelings are brought tomorrow at spin class...perhaps I will renew my enjoyment of running in lieu of a hatred for spin class! Or perhaps I will find some measure of enjoyment, now that I have already done it once and know what to expect.

Random Thought #3. Last random thought, then I am going to post this thing...2 liters of water is not enough when I am working out as hard as I am. I have had a headache 3 days in a row and I can pinch my skin and it doesn't go back immediately.

more things Beautiful!

2009-01-03T18:38:00.003-05:00

Today I ran.

Over the summer I tried running a little bit. I would go to an unlit track, late at night, with a friend who was sworn to secrecy about my attempts at running. There were several reasons for this. The first being that a 300+ pound woman running is not a pretty sight and at the time, I thought no one should be subjected to that. The second reason being that I did not want anyone to know, lest I fail and am not able to do it. And the third and most ridiculous reason is that if I start running, and people know about it, then perhaps there will be higher expectations of what I can do and therefore, less room for slacking. Yep just being honest here folks!

Over the past several months I have been walking a lot on the treadmill, but thought running would not happen again until warmer weather when I could go back to that unlit track. I have been increasing my speed and the amount of time I spend on the treadmill but had not run on it yet. Today, as I was walking I thought, I am practically jogging now, perhaps if I just changed how I moved it would become a jog. Without a second thought or a look around to see if anyone was watching, I hit the accelerator a couple more times and moved into a run. I ran for 15 seconds...then slowed down....then I did 30 seconds....slow down....then I did 1.5 minutes and I thought..."I am running! I can do this!"

I finished out my first 40 minutes on the treadmill playing around with increasing and decreasing my speed to running and walking then went and did some weight machine stuff. When I finished that I still had another 40 minutes to be at the gym as I had committed to 2 hours today and the treadmill was calling my name.

I got back on and after 10 minutes I decided I would do the 30 second sprint things I see all the time on The Biggest Loser where they jump onto the side rails of the treadmill then back on again. I ran for 30 seconds and rested for 30 seconds for almost 25 minutes. Sometimes I would run a little longer or rest a little longer, but I never rested for more than a minute.

You should have seen me. I was a grinning, sweating, smelly fool! I was counting down my 30 seconds when I wanted to stop, out loud and everything. I no longer cared what anybody else thought about me running. And when I wanted to stop all together and my old me tried to rationalize that I had done enough, the new me shouted back that I am not a quitter and I can do this...I am doing this! I can do more than I ever thought possible! I can exceed my own expectations, let alone anyone else's. And the sight of a 333 lb woman running...I imagine it was Beautiful!

The beginnings of a new body

2009-01-03T18:15:00.004-05:00

When one has been fat her whole life, it is hard to imagine what a body might look like or feel like as the weight comes off. I have even heard that many people who have been seriously over weight for such a long period of time as I have, have trouble seeing their new body as it really is and not as it was. I hope that doesn't become the case with me, and I have reason to hope that it won't.

This may sound weird, but I was noticing yesterday the tenderness in the muscles that I used in my workout. I noticed that my stomach was sore and of course I know that means somewhere underneath everything else lies some muscles called abs. :-) I noticed that my calves were a bit tender and as I rubbed them I noticed how they are rock solid when flexed. That means more muscle....although as I continue to lose weight I hope I lose some, not all, of that too! I then noticed my arms and when I attempted to flex a muscle...one actually popped up. OK, not up but there was definitely a point at which I no longer felt fleshy fatty skin and it also wasn't quite bone either. But the muscle I am most tickled by is my butt!! I actually have one! A butt muscle that is. Technically they are called glutes, I know, but it is much more fun to say butt! Did you know that the gluteous maximus is the strongest muscle in the body?

"The "gluteus maximus" is the strongest muscle in the body and covers a large part of the buttock. It connects the ilium, sacrum, and coccyx to the femur by tissues of the thigh and acts to extend the thigh. The gluteus maximus causes the leg to straighten at the hip when a person walks, runs, or climbs. It is also used to raise the body from a sitting position." quoted at this website http://www.innerbody.com/image/musfov.html

And now I have one of those!!! Without it, I wouldn't be able to do much of anything using my lower body!

This may seem humorous and weird to all you people who have never struggled with weight or weight loss, but to me this is incredibly delightful! What an exciting thing to celebrate as my body slowly but surely is coming back in line with the way God intended it to be. Strong and healthy. It is something to celebrate regardless of whether the lbs go down on the scale or not.

So while I am in a good place today...to all of you who read and are struggling with weight loss too. Take note of your body today and enjoy the changes that are taking place. The scale is not the only measure of becoming healthy.

Bye Bye 2008

2009-01-01T22:25:00.004-05:00

It is customary to at least think about the last year of one's life as a new year begins, is it not? However, I am moody and crabby and just wanna eat chocolate and don't wanna think about life....but the logical, non-emotional side of me says it might be a good idea to think about where I have been and where I am heading.

As I think about the last year, I have been re-reading blog entries and looking at photos that have chronicled my year and I have begun to see a theme. Relationships and Dependence. Usually the word dependence is looked at as a negative thing and as much as I don't like the thought of being dependent on another for anything ( I like to be self-sufficient), I have come to know over this past year that I cannot do life alone. And while God is a constant companion that will never leave me nor forsake me, He has given me many "Jesus' with skin on" to help me along the way.

I started 2008 being asked to serve on a Discovery team, not sure I had anything good to offer. I was feeling sapped of energy and life as my time with my employer was coming to a close. I said yes to that team experience on condition that I would do my job and nothing else. I would not be at the training or attend meetings or anything else. I just didn't have it in me to give that much. I just couldn't DO it. Very quickly I began to see how much energy and life God brings when one simply says yes to Him. When I am empty of all I have to give...somehow there is still more. How incredible to experience being Enough, as I am, in this moment, no matter how little I think I have, it is really just about being me...in relationship with others.

I competed in a Triathlon as part of a Relay team. While it seems like no big deal to many to swim 500 meters, it was a big deal for me. I have never considered myself to be an athlete or an athletic person, but I discovered I really enjoy swimming. And while many may say "but you only did one leg of a triathlon", I know it is one more leg than I have ever done before. It is a beginning. I never would have believed I could do something like that, had others not believed for me and in me first. And really if Jen had not gone first in 2007, I don't know if I would have done it, even if others had believed in me.

While I have been in counseling for a while, it seemed that 2008 was the year God had for me to confront my sexual abuse story head on. I have avoided this topic outside of generalities for years, often minimizing what happened and its effects on me. But for some reason God chose this year to be the year that I could no longer avoid this. It seems everywhere I went and no matter who I was with, this subject would come up in some way whether in an actual conversation or at least in thought. All of this led me to begin a healing course at church called "Retelling God's story for your life". I don't even have words for all the things I learned in this class or it's impact on me. The only word I can think of is Grace. Grace as I took an honest look at my story in full detail. Grace as I processed all of it. Grace as I began to see it's effects on my life and in my relationships. Grace as I let myself off the hook for what happened. Grace as I confronted my anger, fear and pain. Grace as I felt God move in and make camp with me. Grace as I wept many tears over many hours, sometimes alone and sometimes with dear friends. Grace.

And of course in 2008, I became 23 lbs healthier. I started a journey not just about weight loss but about becoming all around healthy. Most of this journey has been written about in previous posts so I wont go on about it all. But I will say this. I could not have done any of this alone. I am thankful and grateful for the friends who have come alongside me and did life with me.

For Jen-for going first in Triathlon, for leading by example what true faith is and stepping out of your comfort zone, for "covering me on all sides", and for all the conversations.

For Jason-for being an anchor during Retelling when all I wanted to do was run out of those doors. For calling to check on me after a particularly hard night at class, for hours of conversation, and for sharing your own story with me.

For Aaron-for having the courage to tell me you didn't know how to support me but that you wanted to, that you wanted to be a part of this thing I was doing (however undefined I have made it), for always pointing me back to my heart and out of my head, for being willing to say hard things and ask hard questions, and for always encouraging me and believing in me.

For Mike-For helping me to get my ass to the gym when I really did not want to go. For all the "chats" we have had, all of your encouraging words, for seeing the beauty within me before i saw it myself. You seem to believe I can do anything and somehow you make me believe too.

For Greg-your text messages, your hugs, your friendship. It got me through many tough days!

For Laurie- for being willing to introduce me to running...although that is on hold for warmer weather. :-)

For Lisa-You always point me back to Jesus even from halfway around the world!

For Adam-You make me smile my friend! And it is soo motivating doing Y classes with you! While we don't usually do the same things at the gym, it is incredibly motivating to know I am there with someone. Thanks so much for working out with me so very often! You have no idea what an impact you have had on my journey!

And finally, for Kenny-the only family so far to know about this blog. We don't really talk about what I have written here, but I know you check here often to see what I have written about and that encourages me to keep writing, because no matter how many friends I have, I really want to be known and understood by my family. Thank you for caring enough to read. Perhaps sometime we will actually talk about it.

Thank your for a great 2008. I look forward to doing life in 2009 with all of you, not just those mentioned here. Our journey is not over until we meet at Heaven's gate and I don't know about you, but I don't want to walk alone. In fact, I cannot do it alone. I am dependent on each one of you to walk with me and I with you and at times for us to carry each other.

Does history ALWAYS repeat itself?

2008-12-22T22:44:00.003-05:00

I was just re-reading my very first post tonight, thinking about how when I first started this, I was anticipating a whole lot of struggle and very little success. But as I look back over the last 3 months, I have had more successes than failures. I haven't always lost the pounds each week, but I handled it in a more healthy manner. I didn't give up. I am still going.

Then I thought about today, and how in the morning, I did a Pilates class, then tonight I went and did a Spin class then swam. I have been slowly increasing the duration, intensity, and frequency of my workouts. It has been cool to see the progress and regardless of what is showing up on the scale, the results are beginning to show in my clothes. Which means, people are going to start noticing a difference. Truthfully they already have, but I didn't believe them because I didn't notice a difference in how my clothes fit.

In the past, when people start noticing, I have fallen off the wagon and begun to move in the opposite direction of where I want to go. This usually begins to happen sometime shortly after the 3rd month of whatever "program" I am doing. I am taking stock. I am beyond the 3rd month of my program(whatever that is). People are noticing my "ever shrinking ass". My clothes fit different. So I am wondering will history repeat itself once again? Or have the changes I think I have been making physically, emotionally, and spiritually really taken root in me such that history does not have to repeat itself?

I hope so and yet there is a part of me that is anticipating a crash. There is a voice in my head that was once really loud. This voice has been quiet for a while now...until tonight. Tonight, it has been a quiet whisper of doubt and fear, telling me I don't have what it takes for long term achievement. That I can do anything short term, but long term is not my game. I am not buying into this lie...not fully. I am just putting it out there...into the light, lest it take root and strangle the new life growing in me.

More than gloves and hats!

2008-12-20T16:27:00.002-05:00

Just a funny story, that I woke up laughing about!

Yesterday, West Michigan got ridiculous amounts of snow dumped on us from heaven above. And while most people would think, it is crazy to go out in this mess....I went. I had things to do. Getting back home was a problem though. The snow plows had come through on the cross streets leaving the entrance to my street blocked. So instead I went to a friends house. He has a HUGE driveway that needed to be shoveled/snow blown so that his roommates could come home. So while he is snow blowing, I of course offer to help despite being in a suit as I had just come from an interview.

This nameless friend says to me ( who happens to NOT have weight issues), "Hey Kim, I might have an extra pair of snow pants you could wear."
Me: Uuummm yeah right! Friend, your pants will NOT fit me!
Friend: Well, you don't know that, I have some pretty big snow pants.
Me: Friend, I appreciate you and the offer so much but I can assure you that there is no way that your BIGGEST pants would fit me and honestly it would be way too embarrassing for me to even try and find out.

Now throughout this conversation, I am laughing. This friend knows me...he knows I have been losing weight, and he knows some of my struggle. In the past I might have been mortified about this conversation, but I was just greatly amused. It is clear to me....that my friends, or at least he, does not see my weight first and me second...they/he just sees ME.

All of this makes me realize a new goal....I want to be able to borrow a pair of snow pants in a pinch if necessary and not just the hats and gloves that he has in a basket in his house.

Tis true, miracles never cease!

2008-12-18T09:51:00.005-05:00

Is it possible that addiction can be good? For the last few weeks, I have been on a good streak of eating and exercise. I have never been one to like exercise for the sake of exercise and typically going to the gym is pure drudgery. I have never liked it, for a few reasons. Insecurity is one. Going to a place where I know that the majority of the people there will be fit and definitely more healthy than I is not so easy. I wonder what all these fit people must think of me, ME! being there. Then the comparisons start in my head. This is a cycle that must be controlled vigilantly lest it truly get the best of me. Incompetence has been another reason that makes me hate the gym. There are so many contraptions there that work muscles that I don't think I have at all! I mean it is enough that I have the major muscle groups (in limited supply of course -at least right now). But come on...do I really need to work that tiny tiny muscle that supposedly lives under my rib cage? I of course know that the gym offers an orientation for people such as myself to show me how to use the stuff, but that would mean I have to actually ADMIT I don't know, out loud, to one of those fit people mentioned above and then seriously battle those same insecurity issues above. Pain has also kept me away. I don't like to hurt...and I certainly don't like to do things that actually cause pain. I don't think I am crazy in this though.

Despite all this that has kept me away in the past...I have been pretty diligent about going to the gym daily. It helps to have people to go with me on the days I really don't want to go, but I also have to go by myself quite often. During my time I have lurked around some contraptions, and learned by secretly observing others, how to use a few of the machines. I have spent many hours on a treadmill, continuously increasing my speed each week and stretching myself and have even taken a few group classes. To my utter amazement, I have actually come to enjoy the gym. I look forward to going and have even turned down or showed up late to social activities with friends so that I could go to the gym.

This week, while being back in Detroit for a few days, I have found myself longing for the gym. At one point I thought these kind of longings were for other people, but not me. But I do. I am feigning for a good workout and the firm knowledge that I have burned a lot of calories. And I am actually considering NOT going to TN with my brother because it would mean leaving my precious gym for another week! Who knew it would ever come to this!!

While I have come far in this journey...I still feel insecure at times(fortunately IF my fellow gym mates wonder what I am doing there, they keep those thoughts to themselves) and definitely incompetent (lurking and learning helps) and pain too(don't ask me about Pilates). But so far my vision of a wholly healthy me has been enough to propel me forward. Inch by inch I am making progress, literally and figuratively.

22 LBS of Knowledge

2008-12-10T14:29:00.003-05:00

While watching the Biggest Loser last night, Bob was concerned that one of the contestants would gain all of her weight back because she didn't seem to learn anything besides the exercise and nutrition piece. He was wanting to see what she had learned about herself, her triggers, her motivations, etc. So of course I have been recommitted to this whole "get healthy" thing for about 12 weeks now. I have had gains and losses, victories and disappointments. I thought I would have lost 30 LBS by now for sure and certainly thought it would be easier.

I have known on a superficial level that this journey of health is not just about my weight. In the last 12 weeks I have come to KNOW that it is also about my spiritual health, my emotional health, and my relational health as well. If those things are not in balance, how can I expect to control my food and exercise? So what have I learned?

Spiritual Health- Focusing on Physical Health while taking a class about Healing from Sexual Abuse certainly triggers the spiritual side of things. Never before have I experienced more anger towards God. Never before have I felt such extreme swings of emotion and feeling, and have been able to actually identify what I am feeling. I have never had to fight so hard to stay true to the One I know to be true. And never before have I experienced such tender grace and mercy. I wrote before about how God seemed to have moved in with me in a physical way. He still has not left. I now know that God will never leave me or forsake me. This is no longer a nice platitude given to encourage the downtrodden. I know because in my moments of deepest shame and pain and fear and anger...He moved in closer. Everything is still not all worked out with me and God. But we are in honest communication about it.

Emotional Health- I have been working for over a year with a counselor on identifying my feelings and staying out of my logical head when things are going on for me. I can be a master at justifying a certain feeling or minimizing it based on circumstances. While this has been on-going work, I have begun to see the fruits during this last 12 weeks while looking at my abuse story and trying to lose weight...For an emotional eater this is like sending me into a minefield! But I have seen so many victories where I have learned to identify and FEEL the emotion that is present and NOT go to food for comfort. There have been times where I have, but the majority of the time has been spent in victory. I have experienced more tears, more anger, more joy, more sorrow, more shame, more beauty in the last 12 weeks than in the last 3 years. Before I could count on 1 hand how many times I had really cried. Now I cannot even count how many times I have cried.

Relational Health- In my past I have been quite good at cutting people out of my life and making it look so natural. I have been challenged countless times in my past about inviting people in and having been living in such deep shame, I was unwilling to do so. While I have many many many friends who would love to support me in my health journey and in my abuse journey, I have come to value the intimacy of a few for these parts of my life. All of my relationships don't need to be in on ALL of what is real for me ALL of the time. I recognize my power to pick and choose. Jesus chose a few to be with him in Gethsamanee when he was feeling the most vulnerable and the most heart sick. I also know that my story can be used to motivate and encourage others. So although I have a few who know they have full access to anything they want to know...there will be times others will be let in to these parts for a purpose.

Physical Health- I have lost 22 LBS. I am in a good place of regular exercise and healthy eating. The key for me (at least at this point) is to not make it a big deal. It is not a huge part of my conversations, although it is present...particularly with those few. And of course it is a huge part of this blog...but the blog is more for me than anyone else.

Self-Talk

2008-12-06T14:08:00.003-05:00

Yesterday as I was thinking about my Saturday, I realized I had one time slot in which I could work out, which was the morning. However, I stayed out waaaayy too late and actually ended up not crawling into bed until 6:30 AM after taking my roommate to the airport then deciding to get my grocery shopping done. I crawled into bed and decided that 11 AM was my designated time slot to work out regardless of whether or not Mike called to say he was going or not, which would give me almost 5 hours of sleep.

11 AM came and I did NOT want to go. I did not want to even open my eyes. I thought, who can I get to go with me so that I would be motivated or at the very least, I wouldn't let someone else down. Laurie-couldn't, Mike-hadn't called me back yet, assume he can't go in the AM, Adam-won't/can't go in the mornings, Aaron-probably still sick, Virg-out of town....the list goes on.

As I pondered who might want to go to the gym, battling the horrible roads...and who would be up for going RIGHT NOW, this thought came to me. "How come it is ok to let myself down and break a commitment to myself, but not to others?" How come I am not getting my but out of bed with urgency and focus simply because I said to myself last night that I was going to the gym today? Why do I need a commitment to someone else to propel my ass out of bed to go to the gym?

Then I pondered going and doing just enough to say I went. Well after my previous thoughts, half assing it just wasn't going to work for me. Either I was going and going all in, ready to burn some calories...or I wasn't going to go. Simple as that. I had a choice to make. Am I important enough to myself to keep commitments to myself about the things I want regardless of if anyone else is involved or not? Who knew that a decision to go to the gym or not on a really cold snowy morning with little sleep would turn into such a huge deal!! (and all of these thoughts happened in the first 30 minutes of my first attempt to open my eyes...this is kind of like a miracle...ask my brother!)

I went.

Soooo Victorious! Perhaps I am getting one decision closer to a wholly healthy ME! Now THAT my friends is Beautiful!!

In case you are wondering...

2008-12-04T01:20:00.003-05:00

I now have 2 tickers on my sidebar. My gym where I weigh myself got a new scale. It is supposedly more accurate. I don't like the new numbers, but I have decided to roll with it. However, I do not want to forget that I really did lose 16 lbs. I am proud of them as they were hard won battles. So instead of deleting the old one, I just created a new one with the new scale numbers on it.

Home is Where...

2008-12-03T11:06:00.005-05:00

I feel most loved.

Most accepted.

Most challenged.

Safest.

Where I feel enCOURAGEd.

Where I feel the most able and willing to take risks.

It is not always a physical place.

It is where when I need a hug, I don't even need to ask, because it is already given.

It is where when I don't want to be alone, I am not.

It is where I am listened to, and heard.

It is where I can be the most vulnerable.

It is where I can be the most afraid and the least afraid at the same time.

It is where the people around me know me better than I know myself and are not willing to let me settle for less than the best.

Home is where the people around me ask the hard questions and don't let me squirm away from the answers.

It is where I feel like I really CAN do anything because those around me believe I can.

It is where I am stretched beyond myself.

It is where I can be silly. Where I can laugh until I pass out and know that I am being laughed with and not at.

It is where help is just a phone call away.

It is where I feel beautiful, talented, fabulous, gorgeous.

It is where I feel most alive.

It is where I am known.

It is where even my unspoken words are heard louder than my spoken ones.

Home is the closest thing to Heaven on earth and the only place I want to be...

and I may have to leave it soon...and my heart breaks.

Unfounded Fears

2008-11-22T22:47:00.003-05:00

It has been an interesting and challenging week and a half since my last 1lb gain. From the day that I found I gained 1 lb through that first Sat, I lost 3 lbs by very carefully counting my calories, discovering that I don't eat ENOUGH, and meticulously logging my time at the gym. I was ecstatic as I was on track for a 4-5 lb loss for the week, which would have been amazing!

On Sunday, I found out that I really needed to go home for a few days to help with my nieces and nephews while their mom and dad spent much time at the hospital with their oldest, Gavin. I was gone from Sunday night until Thursday afternoon, staying with 5 young children, and pretty much becoming a single mom overnight! It was a lot of work and after having a week of feeling really good about my eating and exercising, I had no idea how I was going to keep it up while at home. I felt very out of control of my environment, my time, the food that was available to me (their church was bringing in meals), or my ability to exercise. My drive home was full of anxiety as I worried about Gavin and worried about how I was going to choose to be successful in this and not resigned to failure.

On Monday after my first full day with the kids. This is what my schedule looked like.
6 AM Wake up to some child needing to "go potty" or wanting to be fed.
6:30 AM all the kids are awake by now and demanding to be fed, changed, dressed, or something
7:30 they want a snack

Pretty much the whole day was spent, preparing food for meals or snacks, cleaning up from meals or snacks, or trying to figure out the caloric count in foods that are brought in for us that I have no idea what is in them...Since I had little idea, I went for eating small amounts of things or eating fruit (which doesn't stay with you long-therefore feeling like I had been eating all day! Then on top of that feeling like, how in the world do you fit in exercise when you have 5 kids hanging on you all day and no stroller to fit them all.

SO here is what I did. I took control. I called my brother Ken and asked him to come sit with the kids for a bit so I could go out for a walk/run. Thankfully, he has been reading my blog (Yes Ken, I know you came back :-) I have a handy tracker :-) and therefore he knows what I have been up to and he came to my rescue. Thank You Kenny! So, I was able to go for a mile walk/run and it felt good. Not that I like exercise yet, but it felt good to feel like I had some control over my circumstances and that despite what looked like might turn out to be a bad ending to a great week, I was able to end it well.

On Tuesday, I went and found a scale to weigh in on. I do NOT recommend weighing in on a scale different than the one you have been on. I got on and it said I had gained 13 lbs since Saturday! Now in reality, I may have eaten a few extra calories on Monday, and may not have burned as many calories as I have been burning at the gym during my run walk, however in order to have gained 13 lbs I would have had to consume 45, 500 calories in a day and a half and not burned anything! I laughed at this scale, walked out and said...until I get back home I am considering my Saturday weight to be my weight for today!

Thursday and Friday was crazy busy and so today I went back to the gym, and weighed myself...I am on track. But since today is not my normal weigh in day, you will have to wait until Tues to find out where I am.

I didn't get to work out after that first workout on Monday, but it is not like I was sitting around either. 5 Kids under the age of 4 is a LOT of work and you move a lot taking care of just there actual physical needs. I must have gone up and down the stairs at least 30 times each day. Then there is all the toe touches as I picked up toys from the floor each day! Then there is carrying the 25 lbs of 1 yr old around each day! And that is just the work of it. That does not include all the playing, wrestling, and dancing with the princes and princesses at the balls we had!

All in all there were lots of victories this week. The biggest being that my fear that being home means inevitable failure or back tracking or gains or whatever you want to call it, does not have to be true! I decide. I am in control. I can win this war!

Now for a cute kid story since I spent the week with them. All of the kids love to play dress up. Their favorite is to be prince and princesses with the beautiful gowns and whatever clothes Garrett determines are the best for a prince to wear! While in costume, they are really in character. And of course all fairy tales that involve princes and princesses also include an evil witch. That role always falls to whatever adult is around. AKA Me. Emma, the 2 yr old princess wanted an orange peeled. After asking nicely to have one and I began peeling it for her, she looks at me and say "Do it _itch, Do it" Ummm "Excuse Me?" The princess says, "I saaiiiiddd, Do it _itch, Do it!!" Yeah she was calling me WITCH! She was still in character! It did NOT sound like WITCH!! Gotta love these kids!

Time for some Reward Goals

2008-11-13T16:47:00.007-05:00

I have been thinking about some of the things I have always wanted to do but have not done out of fear and really weight. I have just under 200 lbs to go before I reach my goal weight. And here is what I want to do.

When I am halfway there, I want to actually complete a high ropes course with some of my friends. I have always wanted to do this and have even had opportunities to do so. I once even started one and came back down because of my fear. First I had to trust someone to be paying attention enough to not let me fall....then I had to trust that the rope was strong enough to hold me. Well, all the scientific data in the world could have been given to me and I still would not have believed it. Then of course there is the dreaded fear that even if I did trust those things...would the stupid harness even fit! SO that is my halfway goal reward.

Then when I finally reach my goal...which if I lose 3 lbs a week, this will be achieved in Feb 2010, I want to go sky diving! Since that time of year is very cold in Michigan...it may mean a trip to somewhere warm! But again, same fears about the chute fitting...but with an added fear of I might hit the ground before I remember to pull my chute. I know! I Know! I am ridiculous....but hey, I am just being honest! And since i have been doing some research I know that with tandem diving, that won't happen but still...I need a great awesome and amazing reward for WHEN I finally am in the body I am meant to be in!

Sooooo anyone up for a ropes course next summer and skydiving in 2010?? Who is up for a celebration like never before?? Well at least what may be the 2nd biggest celebration ever!!

Ups and Downs

2008-11-13T00:29:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I weighed in again. I was expecting good things. After all, I felt like I did good this past week. Eating well and working out 5 of 7 days. You would think that all of that would result in a loss. But a loss was not in the cards for me. I gained 1 lb. In previous weeks where I have gained, I could look back and clearly see where I went wrong whether it was not really hitting the gym or too many poor food choices. But this week, I worked out 5 of 7 days and felt like I ate pretty well. So even though my gain was less than I had gained before and only 1 lb, I was extremely disappointed. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, that I get to go again. But man, it was just so tough to have felt like I worked hard with no positive results.

Fortunately, I once again have good friends and although I didn't want to tell them that I had gained again, I also refuse to give in to the lie that it is better to tuck tail and hide than to be honest. Especially with those who simply love me. Thank you dear ones from the bottom of my heart! Your words of your own journey's and the strong reminders of what this journey is all about encouraged me greatly!

So I set out to figure out what was going on. For whatever reason, I have been resisting using the tools available to me to track my food and exercise (calories in/calories out). So I finally signed up for the free website called SparkPeople.com. On Tuesday I began tracking my food and exercise among other things. I am supposed to eat between 1200-1500 calories. By the end of Tuesday I was at 1050 eating things similar to what I have been eating all along. So at the end of the day I threw in some more food to get myself over the 1200. On Wednesday, I realized at dinner time I was over 200 calories short for the day and didn't plan on eating again for the evening, except shoot!!

Needless to say, if I have been eating like this for the last 8 weeks, my body is starving and holding everything it gets. Then there is the whole idea of eating for nutrition component coming up again. It goes against everything in me as a recovering emotional eater to eat when I am NOT hungry, but at this point I have gotten almost too good at maximizing calories in a lot of food!

So in summary, Tuesday I was very very bummed. I even cried! For those who know me....that is a big deal! But as a friend said to me, this journey is about me becoming a wholly healthy person and not just about weight loss and while weight loss is a good measure the condition of my heart is a truer one. Letting people in to my disappointment was a victory in that! Yay God! Feeling my disappointment fully but not letting it consume me, was a victory! Choosing to go again immediately and not let the disappointment hang for a few days was a victory!

Oh and exercise this week is going well!! I walked on Tuesday, was at the gym twice yesterday and am getting ready to go today (Thursday). Much to celebrate this week my friends, much to celebrate!

Much harder than I ever Expected

2008-11-07T12:17:00.004-05:00

About 3 years ago I seriously started my weight loss journey after attending a Discovery Seminar and coming to understand what I now know to be the very beginnings of what my weight is for me. My weight started as a direct result of childhood sexual abuse. It has become so much more over the years. But as you will read, knowing doesn't make it any easier to change it.

I did a Dr. monitored 800 calorie diet and lost 60 lbs rather quickly. It was exciting and even thrilling to have lost so much weight so fast! But 800 calories! Seriously! I don't recommend this method, even if a doctor is monitoring it. It just is not healthy or sustainable. At some point you will have to increase your calories and unless you are doing serious exercise to counter the additional calories (which I was not)you will gain it all back...as I did.

Then I decided to gather a team of close people in my life, who were willing to take a stand with me and support me in this. I had a 1 year commitment with this small group of people. I told them how I hide and even lie when necessary to make excuses for my failures. I lost some weight. I don't remember how much, but at some point in that year I had one too many weeks of gain or no loss, got discouraged and slowly faded away from my team.

Last year I decided that I would try out for the Biggest Loser. Over the last couple years I had learned some things about myself. Serious things that hold me back from losing weight even though to be healthy is what I really want. But hey, I am committed now and maybe doing this on TV in front of the world will make it easier. After all I usually do well in competition. It is a great motivator for me. I didn't make the show, but I put my application video on You Tube then told all my friends about it, who told their friends, and of course any random person who did a search for Biggest Loser on you tube watched that video. In 2 months time, over 1500 people saw that video. I spent much of the last year discouraged that my energy and commitment didn't last or wasn't enough to make significant weight loss happen. And it didn't help that I was getting questioned about it all the time.

I thought that if I were committed enough, dedicated enough, had enough support around, was honest enough, and vulnerable enough that somehow all of that would be enough to motivate me to go to the gym and to eat healthy. But my reality is this. My weight has served me well for 27 years. It has done the job that I set it up to do and now that I don't want that job to be filled anymore I have 27 years of habit and beliefs and fears built up around this. I don't know what thin would look like for me. And I don't know what else will come up along this journey to stop me. What I do know is that this is more than a physical issue, but a heart issue. It has as much to do with my relationship with God as it does my relationship with food. Often I have put food first, trusting it to make me feel safe and comforted instead of trusting God to be that for me.

Where I am at today. I am not making the weight loss a big deal. Yes, I am doing this blog which might seem like a big deal...but in reality, not many people know about this yet. Yes I text/email my new weights each week to about 3-4 people, but not so much for accountability as much as for me to acknowledge what I have or have not done. I try to make good choices each day, but to be honest I don't count every calorie that goes in my body nor do I shame myself for having that cookie. When the urge to eat for some reason other than hunger overwhelms me, and I want to eat a whole box of cookies, I am working at letting a few into that struggle with me. It feels like I am less alone in it that way and it becomes easier to manage.

What IS a big deal is learning to trust God more and more with my heart. Food has been my idol and it rears its ugly head all the time and this time I want God first. This has been much harder than I ever expected. I have yo yo'd the last couple weeks. This would normally be frustrating for me. But I know that the last couple weeks have been really hard to trust God. I know that although most of the time I made good choices about food, I had a really hard time getting to the gym. I also recognize that while I have gotten better about letting people into the food struggle, I have not been so good about letting people in to the exercise struggle. I have many thoughts on that, but that will have to be another blog...this one is already long enough.

There is much to be learned on this journey of trust, healing and health but I refuse to give up. I am a pretty stubborn person and I refuse to give up just because it is hard! But it is much harder than I ever expected.

Grace

2008-11-01T19:50:00.005-04:00

This week has been one of grace. Despite my angst and anger and wonderings last week of the justice and mercy of God, I feel like God has been my constant companion this week. While driving in the car alone and continuing to wonder, I have at times felt almost a physical presence with me. While walking around this city of mine, I felt as though he walked beside me. Even as I type this I know it sounds so cliche. But truly, I know I am not alone. I know that God is not going to change who He is so I can feel like justice has been done, but He is also not going to deny me the right to feel the way I do. My anger does not scare him away. And He feels no need to hurry to make me feel better about it either. He is content to sit with me while I wonder, as long as it takes. That is grace to me.

I have also been extremely thankful for the friends who have sat with me, listened, and cried with me...and also felt no pressure to fix this for me. Especially the men...who tend to be fixers anyway. It was good to be able to just talk out loud and be heard. That was grace with skin on.

Betrayed!

2008-10-25T13:23:00.005-04:00

No one ever writes the honest questions of their hearts to God. If we really voiced our questions, someone might think we are being blasphemous or anti-God. But I have hard questions. Questions that I don't think I will get sufficient answers to this side of Heaven.

I feel like I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. I am not married, so I can only imagine how this would feel. The wind is knocked out of me, and it is hard to take in air. The room is spinning and I wonder if it will ever stop. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed. And Angry. I don't know how I will ever trust again. My eyes burn and are tired of tears. Will they ever stop?

And there are no answers, because it is two truths that my heart is fighting. Two truths of God. 1. All who come to Him and repent and turn from their wicked ways, will be saved. God will cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. Forgiveness. The chance to be His child.
2. Woe to the man who harms a little child. It would be better for this man to have a stone tied around his neck and be tossed into the sea, than to experience God's wrath.

How can God fulfill both of these things? How can He pursue my heart so fervently and pursue my abusers heart just as fervently? I have taken great comfort over the years that God would take care of this man. But now I am not so sure. This man can simply repent and be saved from that. Jesus will then defend him on Judgement day. How can He defend both of us at the same time? How can I trust God in this? How can my Father become best friends with the man who betrayed my trust so fully and then expect me to dine with him?

And at the same time, my heart breaks that I can't trust this God of mine. I can't trust Him and I can't deny Him either. I can't just turn my back and walk away forever. And I can't bring myself to ask Him to choose either. How can I ask Him to break one of His promises? It is the very graciousness of God that brought me to Him that I am hating now. How can I fault Him for being exactly who He has always said He would be, even with my enemies?

When my heart has been broken in the past, I would so easily go to Him for comfort, for healing. But how do I take my heart to the very one I feel broke it and ask Him to fix it? How do I trust Him to not break it more? My heart is destroyed. I love Him so much, and no matter how hard I try I can't harden myself against the pain or against Him. I can't not cry out to Him. Yet, I can't trust Him either. I can't analyze this. I can't put it in a box and make it pretty. I can't figure out how to "do" grief or pain. I have no answers.

My one comfort in all of this, is I am not alone. I have never felt His presence so close to me as right now. I have never wanted it more. To want so desperately and to not want equally so. It feels like there are 2 sides of me pulling on my heart from both sides at the same time. I feel like He is just sitting nearby waiting for me to get all of this out. Fulfilling His promise to never leave me or forsake me. How can I NOT trust this Jesus? How DO I trust this Jesus of mine?

Who Am I?

2008-10-24T17:55:00.003-04:00

When I feel like giving up. When I feel like I cannot do another thing. When I feel like I don't have what it takes. When I feel like my world is spinning out of control and all that I know to be true is being shaken to the core. When I feel like my faith has been devastated and I cannot trust anything. I remember. I remember the times I have been clear God has spoken to me. I remember the feeling of complete security I had in His words. Today is such a day and I am working hard at remembering. Here is my story of who God says I am.

I was participating in an exercise. But it didn't feel like an exercise. In my mind's eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn't imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn't matter to Him?

I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn't fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn't understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.

Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!" I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn't think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. "Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?" I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.

Again, immediately, I heard this response. "I call you enough." So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.

It was enough. I didn't know one could cry so hard. I didn't know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks...and I knew it was true. No matter what...I am enough for Him.

Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. "Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough".

I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.

I will not be ashamed!

2008-10-14T15:26:00.008-04:00

Shame (according to the English Language Dictionary) is the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous done by oneself or another.

Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, "Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity."

Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me...

Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn't want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can't keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will "they" think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.

I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.

I must die so that I might live!

2008-10-06T21:16:00.005-04:00

I have many thoughts today, but the theme seems to be getting rid of old ways of thinking, eating, being...so that the new me can live.

Food. I like it. I really do. However, I must retrain myself to eat for nutrition sake and not for pleasure sake. In the process, I am hoping that I will learn to actually enjoy food that is good for me and eventually be able to eat for both pleasure and nutrition. As I write this, my dinner is what I have come to call "green goo". It is loaded with nutrition. Blended spinach and broccoli, banana, apple, strawberries, and blueberries. All those things I do like but I relate to them all as health foods and blended together it is green. Very green. I smell broccoli first when I go to drink, and the first flavor to hit me is broccoli, then the berries, mostly strawberry. It doesn't taste bad. Really, it doesn't. SO why is it taking me an hour to suck down half of it? I know. There is no satisfying pleasure in drinking my food. There is no chew or crunch factor. And it is green!

Regardless of how I feel about the food I am eating I know that if I don't change, if I don't eat differently and exercise differently so that I lose weight, I will die. So far I have been lucky. At this time I do not have crazy health issues typically associated with someone of my weight. But they are coming. My grandmother, not a large woman comparatively speaking, died of a massive heart attack. My mother has already had a mild heart attack and has heart related health issues. She also is not a large woman comparatively and what weight she does have has been added in recent years. Not long term weight issues like mine. She is only 60.

Regardless of how I feel in any given moment about food, myself, my weight, or exercise...I must change. My habits, my ways of thinking, the way I relate to food...all of this must die, so that the me that God created me to be can Live! I wonder if I will be different. Or will I be a healthy version of me? Will I have different interests? I think there might actually be an athlete hidden in me. Regardless of all of those wonderings, I want to Live and live fully. I want to be able to say that my whole life is bringing Glory to God.

So there is my ramble for the day. It feels very disconnected in the flow of my thoughts, but that is what one gets when I have many thoughts! Oh by the way...I lost another 4 lbs this week!! So in the last 3 weeks I have lost 12. That is incredible! Especially since I feel like I ate horribly this past weekend!

8 down...200 to go...or something like that...

2008-10-01T11:50:00.004-04:00

I am down 8 lbs! While I do see this as a victory, there is still some disappointment in that it is not a new 8 lbs lost. Actually only 2 of it is new. But I am on my way. And hopefully, I won't turn back again. I have been silent on this matter for some time now. OK, so I started the blog to write about the up and down struggle I have with losing weight and I have only written the ups :-) Hmmm I hope to get better about that.

I was asked by a dear friend last night how he can proactively support me in this journey. I had no answer for him. I know that I know that I have his support without judgment or condemnation. In fact I have many people in my life that I have that with. I truly am blessed in that way! My problem is, when I am struggling, I don't see that. I hear loud and clear my own voice in my head that screams of my failures and insecurities. So I plod along in my own way and because I am very VERY good at putting on a good face...no one knows I struggle. Then I wonder why no one notices.

I do know that I am not up for every person in my life asking me daily how I am doing and where I am at with this struggle or any other. I tried that. It doesn't work. It just highlights my failings that much more. Besides that, if you only knew how many amazing supportive people I have in my life...you would know how overwhelming that would get.

I am up for giving a few key people in my life free reign to ask anything, anytime, but please don't ask me publicly (as if I need to say that to those key people). You know if you are a key person. IF you are wondering if you are a key person...I am sorry...but you probably are not. Anonymous friend mentioned above...come out of your head a minute...you are one of them :-)

Some people may get their feelings hurt by this, but as much as I am up for honesty and relationship and authenticity...I have to go with what I need in this. I have to think about me. Imagine that...what a concept :-)

So I will see you on the downside...and if I think of more proactive ways you can support me...well I will let you know!

I could swim 500 meters and I will swim 500 more....

2008-09-05T14:08:00.008-04:00

Me, My personal Lifeguard and chasecar, and then there is my friend!
Here begins the dragging out of the water....
and up the hill....
to meet Aaron.....
and there he goes.....Go Aaron GO!!

One year ago, I signed on board with a few friends to compete in a Triathlon, relay style, Labor Day Weekend of 2008. I was to do the swim portion, Aaron would bike 20K, and Ann would then run 5K. Of course back then, I got many warnings that one could DIE swimming in a triathlon. Little did the giver of those warnings know, but that just makes me want to do it more. Tell me I cannot do something and I will prove I can!

So I began the road of swim lessons and many hours spent at the Y trying to make sure I could actually swim 500 meters straight. Well the weekend arrived last week and my team, complete with cheerleaders (Yay Adam, Leann, Mom, Laurie and Larry), and Jen's team showed up at the triathlon, ready to go. Then I saw the lake, and the buoys, and how far away they were from each other. Then the announcer told us where I had to swim around, thank GOD is wasn't ALL the buoys I saw out there!! I wasn't saying much. I looked pretty calm. Aaron, Ann, Jen, and all the rest asked how I was doing. My standard answer was "I'm good!" However, my internal answer was...^%@!@&&*@&%&. The more I talk about how nervous I am, the worse it gets. So it is much better for me to put my game face on than be honest. Now that it is over....I was very nervous. But in reality, I was more nervous about making it up the hill after swimming than I was about the swim. I mean come on...it is sooo NOT FAIR to make people get out of the water and run up a hill on rubber legs in their swimsuits. But who says that Triathlons were meant to be fair!

In the end, I swam the distance, with my own personal lifeguard puttering along next to me. He says he is the chase car in a marathon. His job was to swim with the last person in the water. So I guess you now know how quickly I swam...not quick! My first 10 minutes were rough. But that is how it always is...I wanted to quit to say the least. But how does one quit in a Lake. At the pool, you grab a wall and hang on. In a lake your choices are limited. Turn around, swim on, or get hauled out. Getting hauled out was not an option for me because the ONLY way I would allow that was if I was dead...and frankly I wasn't up for dying. Turning around was not an option either because when I wanted to quit it was equally far to turn around and swim back as it was to keep going and finish. Not to mention the fear of failure and the shame that would go along with it.

As I approached the finish, I see a man in the water just beyond the finish line. I hear cheering...yes I have fans :-) Then I notice the man in the water is a friend of mine who had already finished his swim...He came back for me. TO cheer me in, and to conquer the hill with me. I was not alone. Talk about no man being left behind. I felt very very loved. Together we made it up the hill and I was able to get my electronic chip that keeps track of our times passed off to Aaron so he could go off on the bike. Then and only then, was I finally able to breathe...and begin to wonder will I even recognize Aaron when he comes in on the bike. What was he wearing? What color is his helmet? Is he wearing sun glasses or not? How will I know to cheer like crazy when he comes in? SO I went and changed then stood near his siblings. Because I was for SURE that they of all people would recognize him...and when they cheered, I would cheer.

He did great, despite a mechanical failure on the bike. His seat dropped when he sat on it, so he rode a bike that was not fitted right for him and with a seat that was wobbling. Despite all that, he still spent less time on the bike than Virg. Yes it is a small victory and probably the only competitive victory for our team of the day, but a victory nonetheless.

He came in, and yes I recognized him...and Ann took off to finish strong on the running.

All in all, we decided we wanted to do it again next year, but the longer version. So next year, I add 500 meters on and will swim a total of 1000 meters. I am so glad they want me back on their team again:-)

And on a side note: I am beginning to see a theme in my fears. My fears have nothing to do with the event itself, but with what I might look like doing the event(valid-see photos), or how others might perceive it(not valid, they want me back), or the not being able to do it(not valid, I did it!).
Click the link to see our results if you care to see them. :-)

http://www.3disciplines.com/index2.php?option=com_docman&task=doc_view&gid=843&Itemid=60

Wave of Mercy

2008-04-11T17:06:00.004-04:00

I am learning this Blogger thing one step at a time. I was trying to put the Wave of Mercy Link in my sidebar and it ended up in a post. So, here I am trying to explain it.

Jenny is my Friend. I credit her (ok God through her) and 2 others that had a HUGE role in my salvation. Needless to say, she is an amazing woman who just loves Jesus and wants to be used by Him.

So here is the short story. She is going away. Far, Far, much farther than I would like my friend to go, away. For 3 months!! What will I do without her for 3 months, but that is another story. Anyway, she will be on the Africa Mercy, a big floating hospital off the coast of Africa providing medical care to people in need.

How cool is that!!! If you like world mission stuff and want to support Jen, click the links, it will tell you what to do and how to do it. If you would rather get something for your money, there is a Karaoke fundraiser being planned in the Metro Detroit area for May 4th and we are planning one also in the Grand Rapids area a little later in May.

So keep checking for those details :-) They should be a good time for all!!

Wave of Mercy

2008-04-11T17:06:00.001-04:00

The first one...

2008-04-10T14:35:00.000-04:00

Today I was posting a comment on another person's blog and realized I had gone beyond a comment. I was writing my story out of where I am today, in hopes of encouraging others. I thought...Sheesh, I should do my own blog. Later (without knowing about my earlier thoughts) a friend said, Kim...You should blog your story. Harumph.

My blog is predominantly going to be about my weight loss journey. What comes up for me? What stops me? Why do I freeze in the midst of progress? I know! I know! That sounds like the pits to read. So I will be sure to include my successes and joys as well. The times when I "Won" that minute, then that hour, until I have "won" a whole day and then a whole week...until finally I have won the battle.

My "issue" with doing a blog is if I do it consistently and I give it 100%...then people will see me on my not so good days. They will know the dreams I have of fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy and the nightmares I have about vegetables and salad and eating them for the rest of my life!!! They will know my greatest fears and weaknesses. OK forget "they". "You" might not like what you see some days. Which translates into my crazy brain as You might not like me. Vulnerable. Scary. I hesitate. Then I remember who it is I want to be to the world. An Inspiration. How can I be an inspiration if I am not willing to take a risk? So here it is people. Read on if you dare.

So you might be asking...what is with the title of this Blog. Well, it came from a song I love that sums up this journey through life. Right now I am on a Journey of Weight Loss. With that, comes a journey of self reflection. Figuring out who I am to myself, to others and ultimately to God, My Father. As I come to know me and become more confident of who God calls me (more about that later) I cannot help but end up in a place of Beauty and Grace. So here are the song lyrics that inspired my title and that encourages me daily of where I am headed and it is not just to skinny!

On the Road to Beautiful by Charlie Hall

I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love

Father come to me, hold me up
'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone
and my breath is shot,
I can't reach out my hands

But my heart is set on a pilgrimage
to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory
I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain

You're my portion in this life
You're my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark
I'll love You

I'll love You, I'll love You
I'll love You...