Eyes Wide Open

It is 2 AM. I am still awake. This is not unusual for me. I am typically a night person unless I am working and have to routinely be up by a specified time. Since I am not, I tend to be awake until the wee hours of the morning. However, on this night, I needed to be in bed hours ago. In 2.5 hours I need to be up, getting ready to start my day as I head to TBL Casting call with a friend. This evening has been spent finalizing our application, attempting to choose between dozens of photos to put with the application and readying my friends house for a bachelorette party for Saturday night.

Why was my application not filled out before now? Well, partly because I procrastinate and partly because I couldn't formulate into words what I wanted to say in it. SO I have been reading the application questions and thinking about them. (This is the way I wrote papers in college as well. Actual written word didn't happen until the night before it was due and I stayed up all night and would get an A.) SO then why was my pictures not picked until today? The same reason they are still not picked now. I cannot choose. SO they are getting about 8 pictures. Some of me now, by myself, and a couple of me and my friend who would also potentially be my teammate if they do another couples season. Finally one of me as a young child, before I gained all my weight. It is one of the last pictures I have of before I seriously began putting on the weight.

I need to go to sleep but I am not tired in the least bit. My eyes are wide open. I am not nervous about tomorrow. It will mostly be standing around in a huge line of my fellow fatties, probably about 1000 of them, all of whom are hoping the same thing as me. That TBL, will "Pick Me!" When I finally get to the front of the line I will get about 30 seconds to impress one person who will decide whether he/she wants to see more of me. There is nothing I can control about this process.

I have done the work they requested. I filled out the application and provided some photos. I will show up tomorrow full of fun and life and probably loaded up on caffeine. I will waste a bunch of calories on cream and sugar so that I can drink that caffeine too! And I will pray. I will ask God for this opportunity. And then I will trust Him to give me what is best for me, for the journey He has planned for me.

Do I want to go on this show? Heck Yes!!

Will I be disappointed if I don't get picked? Probably, if I am honest with myself

Will I let the disappointment stop me from losing another 43 lbs? Absolutely NOT!

Ultimately, I will lose my weight with or without the show. But man, would it ever be a wild ride to go to California, train with Bob or Jillian or whatever other trainer they come up with, meet all kinds of super cool people, and lose this weight fast. All the while with a chance to win 250K. So fellow bloggers and friends who read...be praying. I want this!

I want the opportunity to go away for a few months. While I would miss everyone terribly, I think what fun it would be to come back a whole person smaller and surprise everyone with the results! I can imagine walking into my old DDH at a time when Coach or Adam is there, perhaps at a spin class with Jeff or Emily, getting on a bike and seeing if they even recognize me! Now THAT would be fun to capture their expressions when they look over and see someone who looks kinda familiar....yet....."Hello boys!" :-) Or showing up for the annual Octoberfest without telling anyone I am coming and seeing if people recognize me! I have no idea what I will look like skinny, but I imagine the transformation will be quite different. It is already.

Tonight I was looking through some photos. I came across a batch from a "Girl's Getaway Weekend" I did with my best girls in October 2008. I looked at this photo and actually started crying. I called my friend over to look at the photo. I just looked at her and was like..."oh my gosh! I have lost ALOT of weight!" I could see it in my face so clearly. Suddenly the full reality of 43 LBS gone hit me. I KNEW I had lost that much. Coach even had me pick up the free weights at one point to help me get a reality check. I also could see different parts of my body at times looking a little different. Earlier in the evening I had tried on the 3x t-shirt that we got to wear to the casting call and I thought I looked smaller but couldn't be sure. (Hello Mcfly, the fact that I was wearing comfortably a 3x and not a 4x should have told me something!) But this photo just hit me! I was stunned.

SO here is the photo I saw tonight that made me stop in awe!

And here is a photo of me taken in recent weeks!

My eyes are now wide open to the physical changes that are beginning to take place! This is where weight loss gets fun!

Now I have 1 hour and 45 minutes to sleep. I suppose I should try to at least take a nap, eh?!