Hello Blogland! Despite all the encouragement I get from hearing about you and how you struggle and get back up, in the moment of it happening, it is much more difficult to write about the struggle in the midst of it. It is much easier to stay silent until I am sure I am on my way back out of the hole. SO much for this being moment by moment...day by day...the good, the bad, and the downright ugly! I was wondering when the last time was that I struggled really really bad...and it has truly been months! How quickly I forget the depths to which I can go.
Anyway, as you all know, this past week was my first week in my new home, in Detroit. I came right into being a full time mom to my 6 nieces and nephews (5 under 4yrs old) while their parents were out of town. I have done this before, but typically I am in THEIR home where things seem less chaotic than here at mom's. I got nothing unpacked or sorted, leaving me feeling out of control, especially since until they left, there really was no hope for that. Then, I was eating poorly out of laziness. I just didn't feel like preparing a 2nd meal for myself after preparing a meal for the kids and since mom had already planned their meals for them, again I FELT out of control. SO then with the exception of 2 workouts, I threw the gym out the window. I mean heck, if I was gonna be out of control, why not be COMPLETELY out of control! Why not eat exactly what I want even if it produces stomach pains and runs to the bathroom! And if I am REALLY honest with myself, after my Wednesday spin experience, I wasn't too thrilled about going back to that Y, which means unless I am willing to have a conversation about it, I need to let some things there go.
In hindsight and through the eyes of someone pulling her head out of her A** or umm the sand...yeah the sand, I had and do have far more control than I think. Sure there are circumstances beyond my control, but I decide what to put in my mouth, I decide whether to go to the gym no matter what. I decide what my attitude is gonna be about this whole thing. SO what if my space is not in order yet! Does that REALLY have to affect the rest of my choices? So what if some stranger judges me without knowing what I can do? I know what I can do!
It also helped to get some good feedback from Coach and Aaron. OK, really it is a smackdown! Here is what I got from them.
From Coach:
1. I wouldn't be surprised if it takes you a good month to really settle into a productive routine again where you are in reasonable control of your food, exercises, and available resources.
(HA! This is good to remember and to actually consider. I am still getting my head wrapped around the concept that it will take time to adjust...I am hoping for less than a month, but I will try to give myself grace in the meantime)
2. This is a long road. A few "messed up" weeks here and there is nothing to needlessly spend emotional energy fretting over. (yes, this is why Coach is Coach people...he is always good at seeing the big picture when I focus on the step in front of me too much! He is also far more patient than I about taking things easy, and setting myself up for the long haul. I just wanna blaze ahead and do it perfect!)
3. This time is different. Same principles and goals apply. Now you have a different setting to apply them within. Environment was in the driver's seat in the past. Now you are. (YES I AM ....and to quote our President...YES I CAN!...but gosh it sure is easier in my old environment...at least in the end...I am quick to forget about the 3 months it took me to get into a good routine and develop good habits, no matter what...I certainly didn't start out last September the way I was going in January!)
4. Do this thang. (AKA Get er done....take care of business...do what I gotta do!....Yes Sir!)
From Aaron:
Also, what if...you viewed your current situation from a perspective of gratitude. God has been gracious enough to disrupt a routine that you had perhaps grown too comfortable in and he has placed increased challenges in front of you because he knows you can handle it. If you are really going to have lasting change you will at some point need to learn how to stick with it when unhealthy eating choices are constantly right under your nose and your workout environment isn't the cushy and friendly DDH. How fortunate that you GET to be faced with those challenges right now to develop further strength in those areas. God must really love you and believe in you! Lucky!
OK, my initial reaction was to drive across the state and smack this man. (Sorry Aaron...you didn't know that you were in danger!) Seriously, I had a good dose of self pity and whining going on! I don't wanna be here! I wanna be there! I don't like it! I miss DDH! I miss my friends! I don't have any control! I don't...I want....I can't....blah blah blah! However, when I step back...he is right and he disrupted my whining! (God please don't let me end up being like Joelle, if I make TBL!) And he is right! I am blessed! My God is not a God of Comfort, but He is one of Mercy and Grace. He doesn't always give me what I want, but he always provides for my needs. It has been one week. I will make new friends. If I give it a chance, I will learn to enjoy my new gym and perhaps even make some new workout buddies. I might in time come to even like Ann, The Legend! But no matter what, I will become stronger. I will learn to choose me and do right by me, no matter what the circumstances. I know I can do this because My God loves me and believes in me!! I am Lucky! Thanks Aaron for pointing that out and reminding me!
Now that my update about food and exercise for last week is finally written here is some more news....get ready blogland....Coach and Aaron don't even know this yet! hehehe
In addition to doing the Triathlon Relay again (swimming 1000 meters this time), I am going to train and see if I can't get myself in enough shape to do two legs of a Triathlon over Labor Day Weekend. Labor Day weekend happens to be my birthday weekend and I think I really like the idea of doing something fun and healthy and for me that weekend. Perhaps this will become my new tradition. Anyway, I am for sure going to be able to swim 500 meters, but then I want to run 5K as well by September. So I will have to find a female biker, as the tri that I would be doing is an all female event. I don't think I will have a problem finding one! By making this a goal and by speaking it out, it gives me a reason other than plain old exercise to get to the gym each day. It is highly motivating for me!
With that, I am gonna go to the gym. I know my guys are getting ready to spin their butts off with Jeff right now, so I might as well be there running mine off right along with them! Just in a different location!
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6 comments:
I see why you might miss Coach and Aaron. They have some great advice there. Not even my trainer that I once had gave me productive advice like that. I guess it wasn't his style. So heed there words and give it some time to adjust and try not to be so hard on yourself. I know easier said then done, but you can do this. Take it one day at a time and one step at a time as well and you will get back into a new routine that works for you there.
I can't believe you keep secrets like that from me! Way to go to do a two leg of a triathlon. I am sure you will do fine with it. Even if you don't run the entire 5K, you can still walk it and achieve this goal. I have all the faith in you that you will do this.
So we have another thing in common as well. My birthday is over labor day week-end as well. Mine's the 7, right on labor Day. I'll be 22 this year :-)
I am so proud of the steps you are taking and for you sharing your journey. We all have ups and downs and it continues to inspire me reading what you right because it reassures me that i am not the only one going through these feeling and setbacks that we have. Thanks again...
Don't you just hate it...I mean love it when people like Coach and Aaron get it soooo right? :) "God must really love you and believe in you!" What a load...wait...he's right. Sigh. It's a great reminder but yeah...I wanna smack him too.
We do serve an awesome God and it blows me away to think that He chooses us!! He wants us and he wants the best for us. Amazing.
You may have taken bit of a rest stop on your journey. But I know you will get back into the groove of things in your new environment. You rock girl and we are absolutely going to do this thing!!! :)
Rob, I am glad you can see why I miss my old home. Fortunately, these men are willing to give me smackdowns via email or gmail chat or phone conversations. The thing for me is to make sure I am always honest with them abot where I am at and what I need. Advice like that comes from friends who truly love you and are willing to say hard things, even if it pisses you off. Don't worry, I didn't keep teh secret for long, I had been thinking about it for a while and then when I was asked to consider trying the whole thing, I went for 2 thirds and put it out there right away!
Jenn, thanks for your encouragement...yes, it was a bit of a rest stop that I May still be at...although I like to think I am on my way out!
Your post made me realize something really big to me. It is sooooo easy to see the big picture from the outside. I totally get this post, but that one thing your coach said and you said really struck me as important. It is hard for me at times to see the big picture from "my" inside view. Keep up the good work and try as hard as it might be to keep the big picture perspective.
First things first! Is Labor Day weekend the first weekend in September? If it is, then we're sharing a birthday! How cool is that?
I loved this post! I so get your frustration and how you've been taking it out on yourself, like I always do. I'm moving in March too and this means changing gyms. It scares me, because I LOVE my gym. But I know I'll adapt, even if I have little hissy-fits along the way. Like your coach said, we need to keep the big picture in mind!
Thanks Jason! Yes the big picture is so hard to see...that is why Coach and Aaron are my primary people....I might be stereotyping but as men and just part of who they are, they don't get caught up in the emotional drama I tend to get in...so they can quickly steer me back to my senses :-) THanks for your comment, glad it could encourage you!
Hanlie, Labor Day is always the first Monday in September, so really Labor Day Weekend Birthday could be a little off...but that is when I celebrate my Sept 2 birthday! I always have a long weekend to celebrate and teh past 2 years I have gone camping with friends and last year of course did the Tri. Good luck on your changes coming up....the hissy fits come quite unexpectedly, at least in my experience!
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