I have many thoughts today, but the theme seems to be getting rid of old ways of thinking, eating, being...so that the new me can live.
Food. I like it. I really do. However, I must retrain myself to eat for nutrition sake and not for pleasure sake. In the process, I am hoping that I will learn to actually enjoy food that is good for me and eventually be able to eat for both pleasure and nutrition. As I write this, my dinner is what I have come to call "green goo". It is loaded with nutrition. Blended spinach and broccoli, banana, apple, strawberries, and blueberries. All those things I do like but I relate to them all as health foods and blended together it is green. Very green. I smell broccoli first when I go to drink, and the first flavor to hit me is broccoli, then the berries, mostly strawberry. It doesn't taste bad. Really, it doesn't. SO why is it taking me an hour to suck down half of it? I know. There is no satisfying pleasure in drinking my food. There is no chew or crunch factor. And it is green!
Regardless of how I feel about the food I am eating I know that if I don't change, if I don't eat differently and exercise differently so that I lose weight, I will die. So far I have been lucky. At this time I do not have crazy health issues typically associated with someone of my weight. But they are coming. My grandmother, not a large woman comparatively speaking, died of a massive heart attack. My mother has already had a mild heart attack and has heart related health issues. She also is not a large woman comparatively and what weight she does have has been added in recent years. Not long term weight issues like mine. She is only 60.
Regardless of how I feel in any given moment about food, myself, my weight, or exercise...I must change. My habits, my ways of thinking, the way I relate to food...all of this must die, so that the me that God created me to be can Live! I wonder if I will be different. Or will I be a healthy version of me? Will I have different interests? I think there might actually be an athlete hidden in me. Regardless of all of those wonderings, I want to Live and live fully. I want to be able to say that my whole life is bringing Glory to God.
So there is my ramble for the day. It feels very disconnected in the flow of my thoughts, but that is what one gets when I have many thoughts! Oh by the way...I lost another 4 lbs this week!! So in the last 3 weeks I have lost 12. That is incredible! Especially since I feel like I ate horribly this past weekend!
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This particular post reminds me of the "can of worms" effect. Often times when we are in the process of emotional healing and therapy, we experience the "can of worms." It's as though someone opened a can of worms inside of our inner most secret hiding places and left the lid off! We're left with trying to deal with all the worms crawling around looking for a place to escape. Most often, we're not given the tools or guidance in how to exterminate the worms, yet somehow we find a way to put them back in the can and go about our routine. Unknowingly, we're living in a world of denial, complicated with piles of guilt and shame that lead to emotional constipation.
Praise God those days are soon to be part of your past! In time, you'll identify your worms with labels such as,
"Fear of Failure,"
"Fear of rejection,"
"Guilt,"
"shame," etc.
You'll learn how to eradicate each worm and remove the emotional viruses that hinder your physical health and well being.
I've noticed that you're asking yourself, "What's eating you?" in contrast to "What are you eating?" Which leads right back to the can of worms.
I admire your courage to discuss this issue in this kind of forum!
In Prayers and Love,
Mama Rico
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