Eyes Wide Open

It is 2 AM. I am still awake. This is not unusual for me. I am typically a night person unless I am working and have to routinely be up by a specified time. Since I am not, I tend to be awake until the wee hours of the morning. However, on this night, I needed to be in bed hours ago. In 2.5 hours I need to be up, getting ready to start my day as I head to TBL Casting call with a friend. This evening has been spent finalizing our application, attempting to choose between dozens of photos to put with the application and readying my friends house for a bachelorette party for Saturday night.

Why was my application not filled out before now? Well, partly because I procrastinate and partly because I couldn't formulate into words what I wanted to say in it. SO I have been reading the application questions and thinking about them. (This is the way I wrote papers in college as well. Actual written word didn't happen until the night before it was due and I stayed up all night and would get an A.) SO then why was my pictures not picked until today? The same reason they are still not picked now. I cannot choose. SO they are getting about 8 pictures. Some of me now, by myself, and a couple of me and my friend who would also potentially be my teammate if they do another couples season. Finally one of me as a young child, before I gained all my weight. It is one of the last pictures I have of before I seriously began putting on the weight.

I need to go to sleep but I am not tired in the least bit. My eyes are wide open. I am not nervous about tomorrow. It will mostly be standing around in a huge line of my fellow fatties, probably about 1000 of them, all of whom are hoping the same thing as me. That TBL, will "Pick Me!" When I finally get to the front of the line I will get about 30 seconds to impress one person who will decide whether he/she wants to see more of me. There is nothing I can control about this process.

I have done the work they requested. I filled out the application and provided some photos. I will show up tomorrow full of fun and life and probably loaded up on caffeine. I will waste a bunch of calories on cream and sugar so that I can drink that caffeine too! And I will pray. I will ask God for this opportunity. And then I will trust Him to give me what is best for me, for the journey He has planned for me.

Do I want to go on this show? Heck Yes!!

Will I be disappointed if I don't get picked? Probably, if I am honest with myself

Will I let the disappointment stop me from losing another 43 lbs? Absolutely NOT!

Ultimately, I will lose my weight with or without the show. But man, would it ever be a wild ride to go to California, train with Bob or Jillian or whatever other trainer they come up with, meet all kinds of super cool people, and lose this weight fast. All the while with a chance to win 250K. So fellow bloggers and friends who read...be praying. I want this!

I want the opportunity to go away for a few months. While I would miss everyone terribly, I think what fun it would be to come back a whole person smaller and surprise everyone with the results! I can imagine walking into my old DDH at a time when Coach or Adam is there, perhaps at a spin class with Jeff or Emily, getting on a bike and seeing if they even recognize me! Now THAT would be fun to capture their expressions when they look over and see someone who looks kinda familiar....yet....."Hello boys!" :-) Or showing up for the annual Octoberfest without telling anyone I am coming and seeing if people recognize me! I have no idea what I will look like skinny, but I imagine the transformation will be quite different. It is already.

Tonight I was looking through some photos. I came across a batch from a "Girl's Getaway Weekend" I did with my best girls in October 2008. I looked at this photo and actually started crying. I called my friend over to look at the photo. I just looked at her and was like..."oh my gosh! I have lost ALOT of weight!" I could see it in my face so clearly. Suddenly the full reality of 43 LBS gone hit me. I KNEW I had lost that much. Coach even had me pick up the free weights at one point to help me get a reality check. I also could see different parts of my body at times looking a little different. Earlier in the evening I had tried on the 3x t-shirt that we got to wear to the casting call and I thought I looked smaller but couldn't be sure. (Hello Mcfly, the fact that I was wearing comfortably a 3x and not a 4x should have told me something!) But this photo just hit me! I was stunned.

SO here is the photo I saw tonight that made me stop in awe!

And here is a photo of me taken in recent weeks!

My eyes are now wide open to the physical changes that are beginning to take place! This is where weight loss gets fun!

Now I have 1 hour and 45 minutes to sleep. I suppose I should try to at least take a nap, eh?!

8 weeks and some perspective!

I have been on this journey (AGAIN!) since the premiere of Season 6 of TBL, which was in Sept 2008. It started out rough. I didn't count my calories. I was too arrogant to think I needed to. I thought I could just estimate and I would be fine. My gym schedule was, well it wasn't a schedule at all. I went if I felt like it, but that wasn't very often. Prior to September, I spent a lot of time at the gym swimming, but I had a race coming up, so I HAD to be there. Once the race ended, so did the frequency of my gym attendance. I probably started September going once a week and twice if it was a really good week.

Over time though I began to see the need for more exercise and I began to go 3 times a week. But my losses seemed to be down one week, up or holding steady the next. It was never consistent. At some point, I was encouraged to write down what I eat. I resisted this again for a time and finally did it...for one week. I think I lost 6 lbs that week! Huh!

I began to see the value in logging what I ate and by December I had begun to do this consistently. Amazingly, when I am aware of what I am eating, it somehow provides motivation for the gym too, because my gym attendance increased dramatically. I was now there 6 days a week, 2 hours a day, and was giving up time with friends to be there! It helped that I had some friends willing to go with me when I didn't want to go and even willing to kick my butt all the way there! However, throughout all of December, I lost NOTHING!!

I made some changes, one being increasing my calories.

OK, so that was just a little history for those of you new to my blog. You can get more details if you read back but that is a brief snapshot.

It has been 8 weeks since I have increased my calorie intake from 1200 to 1800 a day. During those 8 weeks I have:

1. Lost weight EVERY SINGLE WEEK! for a total of 19 lbs. That is an average of 2.375/week which is right in line with the recommended, healthy weight loss goals. For a woman it is 2-3 Lbs a week. HA! I am normal after all! (No comments from the peanut gallery, aka people who know me in real life and not just blogland)

2. In January I began running sprints on the treadmill. 30 seconds.

3. By the end of January, I was running 1 minute sprints on the treadmill.

4. I was now spinning twice a week and on a couple occasions was able to do 2 back to back spin classes. I even once did 4 spin classes in 1 week!

5. By the time I left GR and moved to Detroit, I had ventured on to the track, with Coach and Adam and could run 1/7 of a mile without stopping (1 lap). Of course it was much harder if one of those guys was with me, cuz dang they run just a hair faster than I want to and DAG NABBIT if I am NOT gonna keep up.

6. In addition to all this, I was still doing my 2x a week Pilate's classes and 2x a week aerobics/strength classes.

7. Last night, I ran the farthest I have run yet in one stretch. I ran .35 of a mile and for 5 minutes straight! So what if it was only at 4 mph...I did it!!

If I hold true to this pattern, within 3 weeks I will have hit the 50 lb loss mark and am only 13 lbs away from being out of the 300's. These ideas make me want to work harder and faster! 50 LBS!!! that is 1/4 of the way to my ultimate goal!!!

All this to say...alot can happen in 8 weeks, especially if we are diligent in challenging ourselves to greater heights and greater distances. 19 lbs. Yes, alot can happen in 8 weeks.

What will the next 8 bring?

Just one last side note. Since September, I have lost 43 lbs, in 5 months. That is an average of 8 lbs a month and 2.15 lbs/wk. Once again proving I am NORMAL! From week to week, it is easy to get discouraged, when you see a gain or a 0 on the scale.....but taking a step back and looking at this big picture....wow, it sure puts it in perspective!

ok, one more side note: I can no longer wear the bathing suits I wore last year. They are so stinking loose on me that it has become more indecent than not, particularly in the area of "the girls". So, I have dug out a swimsuit from the "last time" I lost weight and put it on last night! It fit! Definitely made me feel better about my disappearing girls because in this thing, well HOT diggity dog! I hope to be out of this one by the time I swim my 1000 meters which might be in July!

OK I am done now for real!

Friend? Foe? or God?

I realize I am writing this from a "good" place after a loss I didn't deserve. However, I must write things like this as I think about them so that when I am "heavy laden" and "poor in spirit" I can look back and read reminders of some truth or someone can throw my own words back at me!

I have been reading amongst you all and talking with various people at various phases of the weight loss journey and noticing how excited or discouraged they, we, I get about what the scale says each week. If we have done well during the week we wait in anticipation for it to show a loss and therefore say that "I am good!" The scale then becomes our friend that week. If we have done poorly we wait in fear and trepidation as we just KNOW that it is going to say that "we are bad." The scale then becomes our enemy. Some of us have even taken to weighing ourselves daily to see what the almighty scale says about who we are today and then eat/exercise according to that mindset or belief. The scale has then become our God!

Here is the truth folks. The scale is none of those things unless you make them out to be. When I put my hope in the scale it is easy to become discouraged when it doesn't tell me what I want to hear. When I become so excited because of what the scale says I am still banking on the scale to provide something for me that has already been provided. What do you mean Kim? If I don't know the number how has it already been provided prior to stepping on that scale?

Identity folks. My identity. Your identity. Who you ARE and what you are made of has already been provided by God himself. I often forget that and look to the scale to determine if I am bad or good this week. When I do that, I take the true God off His throne and place the scale up there in His place. This is such a sad place to live. It makes this journey so much harder when I am not clear on who I am and what I am about. Especially when we are told that Jesus came that we may have life, and life to the full! I don't think he wants us to be so wrapped up in the number on the scale that we lose sight of Him or other people in our life. Or so wrapped up that it affects our moods and actions. I do believe however that he wants us to be healthy. That our bodies are His temple and that we should take care of it.

I am not saying the scale does not have a place though. However, it does not need or deserve that High Place, at least not in my life. The scale is what it is. A tool for honest feedback. The kind of raw honesty that can only come from an inanimate, impartial, uncaring object. Even an enemy can't provide that because they are not impartial or uncaring and a friend may try to minimize or over emphasize your failure or success in the name of encouragement! It is important to know what the scale is saying so you know how to tweak your efforts. If I didn't have the scale all December telling me I was staying the same, I might not have had a conversation with Coach that led to realizing I was doing more harm than good by not eating enough. If I didn't have the scale these last 2 months showing losses, Coach's theory about my low calorie intake would not have been proven correct! The scale is a tool! I and you are not bad or good based on it. Use it to evaluate your behavior and change it up if necessary, but that is it!

Bottom line guys, we, you , I have been and are created in the image of God. Our bodies are His temple and need to be taken care of. If we have an off week, we simply need to own our behavior but not make it about who we are. If we have an on week, again we get to own our behavior (although this is much easier than the former) and still NOT make it about who we are. We are more than a number. I am more than a number. My name is not Three Hundred and thirteen. My name is Kim and I am Enough! I am strong! I am courageous! I am fun and exciting to be with! I am a friend, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I am smart. and I am Beautiful! The scale does not dictate this each week. I just am, regardless of the number that shows up.

Who are YOU?

Could Gerri be my new Jeff...or Emily?

I went to my second spin class in Detroit yesterday. I thought it started at 6:30 so at 5:25 I was gonna make something quick to eat before I went as it had been several hours since I had eaten anything. My plan was to spin then run. At 5:35 I was still reading all your lovely comments on my blog and quick looked over at the gym schedule and realized to my horror that spin started at 6!! DANG IT! I still have DDH's schedule locked in my brain!

I have heard from Twiggy that this spin class fills up! OK, if it fills up like DDH does, there is NO WAY I am getting in if I only walk in 10 minutes early! But I decided to try anyway. I tossed aside the computer, grabbed my IPOD, grabbed my water bottle, threw on my shoes and coat (No Coach I didn't zip it this time....was in a hurry) and ran out the door with mom yelling ...."HEY, where you going?"

I got to the Y expecting an instructor named Chris. Not sure if it was a guy or girl but was actually hoping for a guy. ( See, I have my own judgements...that a guy will be tougher) I got Gerri instead who is most definitely female. She is cute, she is fun, and she encourages the class to sing along with "Wanted, Dead or Alive", which I did! But more importantly, she did not judge me. She ASKED me if I had taken her class before as I was setting up my bike and she was finishing helping someone else set up theirs.

Me: No I have not spun with you but I have spun with Ann and I.....

Gerri: Oh if you have taken Ann's class, you can do mine easy, this is beginning spin!

Hmmm....well that was different. Not judgment of what I can't do, but judgement of what I can. Sadly it is based on Ann the Legend and not the truth of my history with Jeff and Emily. But hey, I will accept that!

I didn't get any one on one conversation about keeping up or backing off. I didn't get encouraged to quit. What I got, what all of us got really was an instructor who was teaching basic spin. She addressed all of us about taking it at our own pace, how to use the little gadget thing on top of the handlebars that tells RPM's and time and distance, and what she means when she says she wants a 5 for resistance, and we all got encouraged to no matter what keep your legs moving even if you are taking a break. It was good. No one felt singled out. But better than that, I got a really good workout in. She pushed me and because I didn't feel judged but actually encouraged by her, I WANTED to work harder. Despite it being a beginning spin class, it felt more like a Jeff or Emily class. Not quite, but close.

She approached me after class and asked me how I liked it and made some comment about Ann The Legend. I smiled and told her that actually, her class was harder than Ann's was for me and asked her when she teaches again. She looked surprised but pleased and told me her class schedule. 11:15 AM on Sundays. Guess I need to find a church with a 9 AM service so I can go!

Now a word to the wise. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to a spin class without any food (aka energy) in your system! In GR, I had taken to eating a whole grain bagel with peanut butter before a spin class. But I ran out the door without that. I got a little light headed at times and did have to stop my legs and pause for a minute. I knew it was because I had hardly eaten anything all day. In a spin class I can easily burn 900-1200 calories. That is a lot to burn without anything in your system to start with. You would think that I had ample fat to supply myself, but I think the body needs something to start on while it burns the fat...that is my theory anyway. I have no hard factual evidence of that. Needless to say, I didn't attempt to run. I didn't weigh in until 4:30 and typically I don't eat much of anything until I do...which explains why I did not have anything in me for the day and which is why I usually weigh in the morning!

Speaking of my weigh in. It was interesting because on Monday I was getting dressed or something and thought...Hmmm...my body feels different. Smaller in some ways. I could actually point to the area that looked and felt smaller somehow. But given my eating and exercise for the week, I KNEW there is no way possible that I had lost. In fact, I was expecting a gain but holding out hope for a goose egg. SO I gave myself lots of self talk. Don't get all hopeful, you will then just be disappointed by reality. Just own what you did and take the consequences like a man...err ummm a WOMAN! I worked out Monday night and just for "shits and grins" I jumped on the scale there even though that will not be my official weigh in scale. It said I was down almost 4 LBS, with my shoes on and at the end of the day!

IMPOSSIBLE!!! I refused to believe it, despite knowing that this scale was fairly close to my last known GR weight last week when i tried it! Yet I had a glimmer of something going on....could it be???? NAHHHH I don't deserve that! I did nothing for it!

So yesterday I went to my new regular weigh in scale. 313 came up. It actually kept fluctuating between 312.6 and 313.2 and everything in between. NO way!!!!

I got off...and got on again...same thing.

I got off....got my CAMERA out of my pocket and got on again. Same thing.

Umm nurse???? When was the last time this thing was calibrated? IS it accurate? Yes, yes it is....we just had it calibrated this week! Well dang...that means it was calibrated YESTERDAY since it was Tuesday! I know the photo is hard to read, bit it actually says 312.9. You might be able to click on it to enlarge it and see it better!

Well HOT DAMN!!!! This is definitely a mercy week! I didn't deserve it, but I will accept it.

Side note: Adam says it is probably residual loss from my body working so hard before. It doesn't know not to burn them calories, plus added muscle burns more calories. Makes sense...But I am gonna just go with the Jesus theory. He showed me mercy and grace....

The Ultimate Smackdown!

Hello Blogland! Despite all the encouragement I get from hearing about you and how you struggle and get back up, in the moment of it happening, it is much more difficult to write about the struggle in the midst of it. It is much easier to stay silent until I am sure I am on my way back out of the hole. SO much for this being moment by moment...day by day...the good, the bad, and the downright ugly! I was wondering when the last time was that I struggled really really bad...and it has truly been months! How quickly I forget the depths to which I can go.

Anyway, as you all know, this past week was my first week in my new home, in Detroit. I came right into being a full time mom to my 6 nieces and nephews (5 under 4yrs old) while their parents were out of town. I have done this before, but typically I am in THEIR home where things seem less chaotic than here at mom's. I got nothing unpacked or sorted, leaving me feeling out of control, especially since until they left, there really was no hope for that. Then, I was eating poorly out of laziness. I just didn't feel like preparing a 2nd meal for myself after preparing a meal for the kids and since mom had already planned their meals for them, again I FELT out of control. SO then with the exception of 2 workouts, I threw the gym out the window. I mean heck, if I was gonna be out of control, why not be COMPLETELY out of control! Why not eat exactly what I want even if it produces stomach pains and runs to the bathroom! And if I am REALLY honest with myself, after my Wednesday spin experience, I wasn't too thrilled about going back to that Y, which means unless I am willing to have a conversation about it, I need to let some things there go.

In hindsight and through the eyes of someone pulling her head out of her A** or umm the sand...yeah the sand, I had and do have far more control than I think. Sure there are circumstances beyond my control, but I decide what to put in my mouth, I decide whether to go to the gym no matter what. I decide what my attitude is gonna be about this whole thing. SO what if my space is not in order yet! Does that REALLY have to affect the rest of my choices? So what if some stranger judges me without knowing what I can do? I know what I can do!

It also helped to get some good feedback from Coach and Aaron. OK, really it is a smackdown! Here is what I got from them.

From Coach:
1. I wouldn't be surprised if it takes you a good month to really settle into a productive routine again where you are in reasonable control of your food, exercises, and available resources.
(HA! This is good to remember and to actually consider. I am still getting my head wrapped around the concept that it will take time to adjust...I am hoping for less than a month, but I will try to give myself grace in the meantime)
2. This is a long road. A few "messed up" weeks here and there is nothing to needlessly spend emotional energy fretting over. (yes, this is why Coach is Coach people...he is always good at seeing the big picture when I focus on the step in front of me too much! He is also far more patient than I about taking things easy, and setting myself up for the long haul. I just wanna blaze ahead and do it perfect!)
3. This time is different. Same principles and goals apply. Now you have a different setting to apply them within. Environment was in the driver's seat in the past. Now you are. (YES I AM ....and to quote our President...YES I CAN!...but gosh it sure is easier in my old environment...at least in the end...I am quick to forget about the 3 months it took me to get into a good routine and develop good habits, no matter what...I certainly didn't start out last September the way I was going in January!)
4. Do this thang. (AKA Get er done....take care of business...do what I gotta do!....Yes Sir!)

From Aaron:

Also, what if...you viewed your current situation from a perspective of gratitude. God has been gracious enough to disrupt a routine that you had perhaps grown too comfortable in and he has placed increased challenges in front of you because he knows you can handle it. If you are really going to have lasting change you will at some point need to learn how to stick with it when unhealthy eating choices are constantly right under your nose and your workout environment isn't the cushy and friendly DDH. How fortunate that you GET to be faced with those challenges right now to develop further strength in those areas. God must really love you and believe in you! Lucky!

OK, my initial reaction was to drive across the state and smack this man. (Sorry Aaron...you didn't know that you were in danger!) Seriously, I had a good dose of self pity and whining going on! I don't wanna be here! I wanna be there! I don't like it! I miss DDH! I miss my friends! I don't have any control! I don't...I want....I can't....blah blah blah! However, when I step back...he is right and he disrupted my whining! (God please don't let me end up being like Joelle, if I make TBL!) And he is right! I am blessed! My God is not a God of Comfort, but He is one of Mercy and Grace. He doesn't always give me what I want, but he always provides for my needs. It has been one week. I will make new friends. If I give it a chance, I will learn to enjoy my new gym and perhaps even make some new workout buddies. I might in time come to even like Ann, The Legend! But no matter what, I will become stronger. I will learn to choose me and do right by me, no matter what the circumstances. I know I can do this because My God loves me and believes in me!! I am Lucky! Thanks Aaron for pointing that out and reminding me!

Now that my update about food and exercise for last week is finally written here is some more news....get ready blogland....Coach and Aaron don't even know this yet! hehehe

In addition to doing the Triathlon Relay again (swimming 1000 meters this time), I am going to train and see if I can't get myself in enough shape to do two legs of a Triathlon over Labor Day Weekend. Labor Day weekend happens to be my birthday weekend and I think I really like the idea of doing something fun and healthy and for me that weekend. Perhaps this will become my new tradition. Anyway, I am for sure going to be able to swim 500 meters, but then I want to run 5K as well by September. So I will have to find a female biker, as the tri that I would be doing is an all female event. I don't think I will have a problem finding one! By making this a goal and by speaking it out, it gives me a reason other than plain old exercise to get to the gym each day. It is highly motivating for me!

With that, I am gonna go to the gym. I know my guys are getting ready to spin their butts off with Jeff right now, so I might as well be there running mine off right along with them! Just in a different location!

Out of the mouths of Babe's

OK, I WAS gonna take a photo to go along with this post, but well, after I took it I decided it was just absolutely wrong and possibly criminal to subject you to a photo of my belly roll. My thought was I should get the humiliation over with now just IN CASE I make it on TBL. But rational thoughts kicked in when I saw the photo and I decided, IF I make it on the show, I will cross the bridge of showing my belly to the world when I get there. Until then, use your imagination if you don't have a belly roll, or picture yourself if you do. If you are using your imagination though, please use someone other than myself for your visual! :-)

So here is the story to go with the title!

I was changing into my workout clothes this week when my 2 yr old niece walked in to see what I was up to. She found me shirtless. Oh well! She is 2 right!! What can a 2 yr old possible think?

Emma: Auntie, what are you doing?

Me: Well I am changing my clothes, so I can go to the gym.

Emma: Auntie, what is that? (mind you she is pointing at my belly roll!)

Me: hmmm...well Emma, that is my belly.

Emma: Me don't like it!

Me: Me neither, Babe, me neither!


Later, after the gym we were cuddling and watching something on Nickelodeon and she says.

Emma: Auntie, you have a belly here (pointing to the roll she doesn't like) and here (pointing to the 2nd roll but only on one side of me) and here (pointing to the other side)

Me: Yep, I do. :-(

Emma: Me don't like it!

Me: Me neither, Babe, Me neither!

Gotta love their honesty, but dang! Does it have to be THAT honest? Can't they spin it just a little so as not to sting quite so much?

Why I felt great here!

I have been following this guy Jason's blog for the last couple months because, well, he is amazing. He has lost 130 LBS and now runs ultra marathon's and yet he still battles daily with food. He is an inspiration of what is possible for me if I stick to what I say I want! So he is having a fun little contest on his blog that is all about finding a photo that you think you look great in, regardless of size or looks and then telling him(you, my readers) why I felt great in that photo.

Well I have a couple photos.

One is of me, coming out of the water after swimming 500 meters in the Triathlon Relay I did last Labor Day. While in general, I do not like bathing suit photos, I love this one because I am doing something athletic, despite my size, with my friends and having a blast. (That is my friend Todd who came to cheer me out of the water after his swim.)I set out to do something that seemed impossible, I learned how to swim, and trained to be able to go the distance and I finished! In 2009, I will be swimming 1000 meters and perhaps in 2010, I will either do the whole thing or do 2 legs of it!

This one is me and my brother when I was about 4 1/2 years old. I have found a few old photos of me as a kid and I love this one for 2 reasons. 1. It is me and my brother appearing to be getting along. Growing up I don't recall many times of getting along with him so it is neat to see us looking like we liked each other back then:-) Secondly, this photo was most likely taken, pre-abuse, and therefore pre-weight gain.

The last one is me running with Coach. I know, I posted this photo a few blog posts back and yes, it is a posed picture taken to show a friend, but regardless of whether this particular moment is posed or not, I can run. I am running. Another thing I never thought I would be able to do, let alone enjoy doing, on some level.

Lady! Don't Judge Me!!!

WARNING: This is gonna be a rant as well as an update. If you don't like the rant, skip down a little.

I strongly dislike the general prejudgement that occurs with fat people. Particularly me. The expectations of what fat people CAN do or are WILLING to do is generally set low. If children rise or settle to the expectations set before them, what will fat people do, when others expect little from them or of their capabilities. We already face life doubting our physical capabilities, we don't need others saying out loud or insinuating that our beliefs are right, because they are not! We, fat people, and really anyone, can do and achieve far more than we ever thought possible if we first try and 2nd don't give up. I, for one, can do far more already than I ever thought possible and I am STILL over 300 lbs.

Here is the experience tonight that precipitated this rant!

I went to my new gym tonight for a spin class. At my old gym (DDH) I knew what to expect. Full spin classes all the time, so get there early and sign me and my friends in right away. I got there early and stopped at the front desk.

"I would like to do the 8 PM spin class tonight. Is there a sign up involved or how does it work?"

Twiggy girl at the front desk(whom I could blow over if I breathed heavy) gives me a surprised and hesitant look and then says , " Oh, well have you ever spun before? Because it can be pretty intense."

Me: Yes I have spun before, I just moved from Grand Rapids and have been spinning at DDH for a few months now.

Twiggy: Oh ok (still looking unsure of my abilities) well tonight's instructor is Ann and she is somewhat of a legend around here for being really really intense. The 8 PM class never fills up so if your SURE you still want to do it, just go down to the room at 8.

Ok, so at this point my head conversation was NOT NICE. I was calling her some not so nice names that start with a B at this point at her judgement of me based on my size! (Yes, I am censoring my language at this point. But you know what I was thinking!)

So I head off, and run sprints for about 40 minutes before class. Fortunately there was no bad experience here, except I caught one girl staring at me running. Oh well, after my initial experience, I am prone to assume the worst about her staring, but I am gonna let it slide. After all, I used to work in this town and she may have just been recognizing me, but not sure.

At 7:50 I headed over to the spin room to get set up on my bike before class started. I met one guy in the hallway who had not spun before, but looked fit enough.

I get my bike, set it up, adjust the height and seat/handlebar positions and get comfortable.

Ann comes in, gets set up, gets the class started then comes over to me to "set me up".

Ann: So how does your seat height feel.

Me: Good, I have a slight bend in my knee, I am good.

Ann: Good, how about the position of your seat/handlebars?

Me: That is good, when my feet are at 9 and 3 my knee is right above my foot and in line with the pedal, etc. GRIN

Ann looks at me kind of surprised but proceeds to tell me how to use the resistance dial. I nod vigorously, because of course I already know...she didn't get the clue and proceeds on.

Ann: ok, if at anytime you feel the resistance is too high, you can back it off and go at your own pace. Don't feel like you need to keep up and if you decide the class is too much it is ok to leave early.

Kim: very big smile....(but I am pissed! How dare she assume I cannot spin or that I would want to quit! How dare she give me an out.?!?!? An excuse to not finish what I start!) Thank you! But I won't be quitting!

ok, Adam has already told me I could have made it easier on her by telling her I spin already. But I was already irritated by the earlier experience with Twiggy. But really I am more ticked off about the general prejudgement of overweight people. She has no idea of where I have been or what I am up to. She has no idea and she assumed that I might want to quit! Fat people just starting out with any kind of exercise don't need fit people insinuating that we can't handle something because of our size! We(I) am stronger than you might think, jsut cuz you can't see my muscles doesn't mean they are not there! We don't need anyone insinuating that we can take the easy road, because it might get hard. We (I) have taken the easy road for far too long! The easy road is not all it is made out to be. We don't need anyone giving us a free pass or an out, we give ourselves that card far too often. And we certainly don't need anyone telling us it is OK to not finish what we start! Is it ok for a trained athlete to not finish because it gets hard? I think not! If every distance runner, triathlete, olympian, or biker quit when it got difficult, we wouldn't have any of these great athlete's to look to for examples of dedication, commitment, and courage.

In general, I may not have been so irritated by this had I not had a completely different experience at DDH. My first spin class, I was INVITED in by Jeff, an amazing instructor, who never showed any doubts about my ability to not only start but FINISH his class. He believed I could do it and encouraged me to try it despite my fears. Sure he told me to feel free to not stay at the same pace as the rest of the class, but he had already ASKED me if I had spun before and KNEW based on conversation that I had not and that I was afraid. Instead of giving me an option to quit, he gave me an option to take a break if I needed it, but to try and keep my legs spinning as much as possible and to come right back in as soon as I was ready. He set me up for success with the idea that I CAN DO THIS, instead of planting the idea that it would be ok to quit. I am grateful for this experience. Even more so now than ever. At that time, I knew I had to finish it, but I didn't have to do it again. But because I finished and because I have others who believe I can, I now spin all the time!

Ann did not have a conversation with me. She assumed things about me because of my size and that I had never been to HER class before then based her dialogue with me on that. That is what bugs me.

By the way....this legend I heard about. I don't get it. The class was an hour long (longer than anything I took at DDH) It did not come CLOSE to comparing to Jeff or Emily's classes at DDH. Will one of you please come show them how to spin here in Detroit?

Lesson to all you skinnies....DON'T tell me I can't do something because of my size. I might be fat(for now) but I am not incapable. I might do things slower, but I will do them. I might not have perfect form, but I will get there, but only by continuing to work at it. I MIGHT even be at greater risk of injury by attempting some of the things I am doing, but if you are gonna speak to me on that level, you better either be in my inner circle or have some serious people skills so that your concern doesn't fall on deaf ears, cuz if I sniff a hint of judgement, you will be like a clanging gong in my ears and I just might set out to prove you wrong.

OK, this is long enough. I am tired. You will have to get an update on everything else tomorrow!

Lasts and Firsts

Well folks, I have left my home for a new home. I prolonged the inevitable for as long as possible. Finally after running in for a quick minute(turned into almost 3 hours) to Aaron's house to pick up a shirt I left there, he told me it was time to go, and essentially kicked my procrastinating, GR loving self out of his home! That is a first! I have never heard of him kicking anyone out of the home that welcomes anybody, anytime! :-)

The "See ya Later" Party was Saturday night and since it was so last minute, ended up being nice and small. I was actually glad for this, which is a first. My normal personality says, "the more the merrier!" This time, I was glad for just a few! It was nice to hang out, play rock band, sing terribly, and watch my friends(some of them) sing terribly! The boys touted this party as a "Lincoln's Birthday Party, Valentine's Day, and a See Ya Later!" shindig. They made a sweet card and had everyone write notes in it! Check it out!!! I think it was pretty creative and sweet, especially since it was all conceived and created by boys, er umm men!! Oh and for snacks at this gathering, a beautiful bowl layered with fresh berries of varying colors! Very impressive and pretty! Wish I had taken a picture of that!

I even got Godiva chocolates, from a man, on Valentine's Day! That is a first! Ok before you all start thinking anything, it was a spontaneous and sweet gesture at helping me get my chocolate cravings in without blowing the calorie budget from one of "the boys"! 8 of these delightful pieces of heaven are only 25 calories! And even if the craving is really really bad, you COULD eat the whole container and still not blow your calories so far out of the water that it is unrecoverable! I might need to buy stock in Godiva now!!!

Apparently, I cannot count! There are 9 pieces here! You get the idea!

I arrived at my new home last night about midnight and since my bed was not made and there were 6 young children sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor (we are watching the nieces and nephews this week) I did not unload my car or make my bed, and just went to sleep on the couch. Of course that means at 7 AM those small children began waking up and of course they are super excited to see their Auntie who they haven't seen since Christmas! Here are a couple of the faces I awoke to far too early this morning!

My first breakfast! Oh man, cinnamon toast crunch, cocoa puffs, or cheerios with banana! What do you think I chose? I didn't have these choices in GR!

My first real temptation. This was offered to me by one of those sweet faced children shown above. The half eaten cookie itself was not a temptation. It was resisting the sweet sweet plea of a handsome 4-year old boy who just wanted to share what he considers sweet goodness with me. "Please Auntie, eat my cookie!" he pleaded. "I want to share it with you!" I resisted!

In just a little bit, I will complete my first workout here. I will run/walk 1 mile to a friends house, where i will visit her and her new baby boy! Then I will run/walk home. This will be a first for me to run outside, where it is cold and where if I am tired I can't just stop, walk off the track and go home. I actually have to make it all the way home. I think running it will be warmer than walking it and since my mom will have 6 small children at home with her, there won't be any rides! :-) It will be a matter of do it or freeze!!

Later, the children have asked me to take them to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner and to play. This will be a wonderful navigation process as tomorrow is weigh in day! As of Saturday I was down 3 LBS. I am not about to eat a piece of salty pizza and mess that up. If I stay at least 3 lbs down I will be hitting the 40+ lb mark which means I am almost to 50 Lbs, which means I am almost 1/4 of the way to my goal, which is almost done! I can see the finish line if I can make it to the 1/4 mark and that is just around the corner!!

Reality Settling In

It has been a quiet week for me in blogland. I have been keeping up on reading what is going on, but have been pretty quiet.

In three days I leave to go back to Detroit. On one hand I am completely ok with this. I am going without fear of falling off the wagon so to speak yet aware of all the potential pitfalls that will come with a huge transition, especially back into the very place I learned my poor eating habits. On the other hand, I am beginning to realize how sad I am to be leaving this place I call home.

Up until yesterday, I have been able to live in blissful denial that when I leave on Sunday, I am not coming back in just a few days as I have with previous visits home. I have been avoiding saying goodbyes. I have actually even avoided seeing some people because I knew it would be that much harder. Believe it or not, I thought it would be easier to just slip out of here, nice and quiet like. Fortunately and unfortunately, I have some good friends who will not allow such a thing to happen and now a shindig has been planned, however the word good bye will not be allowed! While this will no doubt be a grand time of being with my people, those who have been my family here on the West Coast, it just makes everything that much more real. So today was quite a somber day as I really let it sink in exactly who and what I will miss.

While at the gym tonight with Adam and Aaron, I was painfully aware that I have 2 more days of workouts in this place. As I looked around the gym, seeing the treadmills, I began to think (and don't tell anyone, but I even teared up a bit) about how last September I was walking for 30 minutes at 2.5 or 2.8 and I was done. Then I realized, I just finished run/walking a mile after a 45 minute spin class which was preceded by another mile! David D. Hunting (the gym) has been good for me and good to me. It is incredibly significant that I can now easily spend 2 hours in this place. That I now run. I spin. I do aerobics classes and Pilate's. I have lost 38 LBS in this place. I will miss it. But more than just the gym, I will miss the familiarity I have in this place. The faces, while I don't know their names, their faces just fit in my head when I think of the gym.

I will miss the muscle head with the blond spiky hair who seems to be there whenever I am, no matter if it is morning or night workouts.

I will miss seeing the short balding old guy who also seems to be there whenever I am. Do these people live at the gym?

Spin instructors, Jeff and Emily. and Lorenzo from 6:30 Monday night class, who seems to think it is completely normal for a 300+ lb person to be in spin class. (I think so now too, but not at first)

I will miss Coach scaring the living daylights out of me whenever he and I happen to be at the gym at the same time. ( I cannot believe I am putting that in black and white!)

I cannot list all the people and things I will miss. But you get the idea. There is much to be missed here. Familiar places and faces those who don't know me and those who know me oh so well.

On the upside (is this denial or deflection creeping back in?) I get to go and try and re-create this in a new place! Reality is back. While the nameless familiar faces in the gym can be replaced with new nameless familiar faces, it is the familiar and known faces that can never be replaced, just added to.

Fully Assessed!

Yesterday I had a FULL Assessment completed. Typically these sorts of things are planned in advance and rarely happen on Sunday evenings, but I am not one to do things the "normal" way.

One of my workout buddies loves snow and cold and winter, simply because it means more skiing for him. He loves it so much (and I think because he has a good heart) he has decided to become a ski patroller. This is a huge commitment as it will take almost 2 years (ski seasons) to get fully certified. Anyway, he has been learning in his classes how to assess for injuries and how to splint and sling and basically secure injuries for transport back to the ski office! And he needed to practice!

I, being a GREAT friend, decided he could practice on me, so he showed me how he can sling my arm making it immobile. But of course, he says that to really get good practice he would normally do a full assessment and he wouldn't know what the injury is going in. Without thinking, I said "ok, we can do that!" He later informs me that full assessment really means FULL assessment. I didn't get the hint and said, "whatever you need for practice buddy!

Remind me to stop and think before I say this kind of thing! Really!!!

So at some random point in the evening, I developed an injury and fell to the floor with as much drama as I could muster and hollered, "Help, I have fallen and can't get up!"

After several minutes, he came running in and introduced himself to me and I began laughing! How can one be serious, when you are laying on the floor, with a man looming over you smiling and introducing himself, when I know darn well who he is!

He begins his assessment, walking on his knees from one side of me to the other as he is talking trying to figure out where my pain is. He figures out rather quickly that my upper arm is broken and hurts like hell!(not really, I am still pretending...and laughing). However, as a good ski patroller, he cannot assume that is my only injury. Since he didn't see me fall, he doesn't know if I hit my head or if I was knocked out for any amount of time or how I fell!

All this time, he repeatedly is saying my name every time he asks me a question or says anything to me! He begins his assessment with my head.

He pats my head repeatedly and vigorously (I think he was checking for blood) Then he gets really close and tells me to open my eyes wide so he can look in them. (Not sure what he was looking for, but I was near hysterics at this point from laughter).

He moves on to my neck and checks that out feeling for injuries.

So far, this is all humorous to me. This guy doing this, is and is not the same guy I know. He is attempting to be very professional, but since I keep dissolving is giggles it is difficult for him to do his job! Poor guy!

So far, head and neck are fine. At this point he is supposed to check the sternum. Thank God he opted out of that one. I am not sure what that would have involved but I am PRETTY CLEAR that the sternum is too darn close to "the girls" for him to be touching!

He moves on to the ribs! Oh my gosh! I am now wishing I had not agreed to a full assessment. The only person to ever touch my ribs or stomach is a DR and even then I am NOT comfortable! Seriously, who needs or wants to touch rolls of fat!! How far down does one have to push to reach the ribs to determine if there is an injury there or not! It is at this point, I realize I am incredibly ticklish!

Ok, I never thought I was ticklish. I never let anyone touch me in the spots that one is usually ticklish to find out if I am. Well, I now know. I am incredibly ticklish!!! So, now as he is pushing on my fat to reach my ribs, then moving on to my BELLY to assess something there...I am not sure what though, then on to my hips....I was equally mortified and feeling quite sorry for this poor and dear friend of mine.

I am not being a good patient with all my giggling, and then he has to be subjected to that!

At this point, he is just laughing at me! I have no idea what he is thinking and am not sure I would want to know. If he wants to, he can come and post his thoughts, but I doubt he will.

Apparently, my ribs and stomach are injury free and he moves on to my legs. More severely ticklish spots to be found as he went down squeezing my legs. Checking for more pain or broken limbs. While I am quite proud of my legs as they are incredibly strong and fairly well muscled for a girl of 300+ LBS (thanks spin class) It is still something to have some guy touching my thighs and calves!

Finally he finishes his assessment, splints my arm, and puts a sling on , then tells me to stand up. Little does he know, it is difficult to stand up at my size with only one arm......but I did it!!!

Ok, I hope this story turns out as funny in writing as it was in real life.

Oh for the day when I am comfortable enough in my body and with my weight that the uncomfortable factor is not nearly as present. After all I do want to be married someday, and I hear touching is a regular part of married life...at least in healthy marriages :-)

Friend, you did a good job, despite my poor behavior, and despite forgetting to ask about allergies, medications, and last food intake! I swear I will be a better patient next time....if there is a next time :-)

I do not like them, Kim I am!

To Coach's delight, I finally followed his advice and went and got new shoes. I went to a local store, advertised for being a runner's dream. A place owned by runner's, who employs runners, and trains those same avid runners to outfit feet properly.

I have to admit, I was quite intimidated to go in there. That is probably the biggest reason why I have put it off as long as I have. The "crazy" thoughts I had was that they would laugh when I told them I needed proper running shoes because I, yes I, am running! Well, that didn't happen. And of course, just the opposite happened. They were incredibly encouraging. Asking me all sorts of questions about where I run and how much and what got me started and everything in between.

I was in the store for almost an hour! I don't spend that much time in any one store unless it is the grocery store!!! After having to take my shoes off, roll up my pants and walk for the very kind lady, I hear a "HUH"..."Hey Nancy, come look at this!" OK that was not encouraging. SO another lady came over and watched me walk. Nancy and the other lady talked for a few minutes and determined that yes they were seeing the same thing. Apparently I have unique feet. Either that or they are very good at making me feel like I do! Here is the final assessment!

1. My feet tend to go towards the outer edge of the foot. OK, I didn't need a special shoe store to tell me that. I know I walk on the outside edge of my shoes. But sooo much less than when I was younger!!!

2. Not only that, but at the same time I roll my feet out, my arch begins to collapse in.

3. This was not a formal part of the assessment, but my feet are HUGE! Normally I wear a size 10, but apparently in running shoes, to have proper fit you have to go a little bigger...but one foot is slightly longer than the other...so my shoes are now a size 11!!!!

With that said, they recommended a stability shoe. One that has added arch support and yet is built up on the outside also to help prevent the side foot walking. In addition, since they are built up they have a "nice, wide base" for additional support. Well, given my shoe size there were not many to choose from. Although I was quite excited when she brought out a pair of sweet looking green ones! But those didn't work. So sad, because they LOOKED so cool!

In the end, this is what I got.

I have had 2 workouts in them. I do not like them. I am not sure whether it is just an adjustment to properly fitting shoes or not, so I am probably going to give them 1 more workout then we will see. But if I had my way right now, they would be back at the store. Here is what I don't like/feels weird.

1. I feel like they make me turn my knees more inward, towards each other. Perhaps this is the proper position for the knees, but it feels weird.

2. I notice it pushing the outer sides of my feet up, which is probably what is affecting the knee position.

3. Ladies, do you remember back in Jr High, intentionally "switching"? You know what I am talking about! Where you walk in such a way to deliberately swing your hips from side to side? For some reason in Jr. High, my group of girlfriends thought the exaggerated hip swing was cool or sexy or ...something. Well, I feel like these shoes make me do that. Now that I am NOT in Jr. High anymore and have plenty of hips, they don't need extra help with the swing action!

4. I can't run in them!! They are like wearing cement blocks on my feet! And this was the LIGHTEST pair I tried on! Last night I did 1 mile in them and was completely spent! I felt like I ran super slow(which Coach warned me that I might, given the additional stability stuff-he has them and calls them dorkomatics). All that gray material is additional support for the arch!

5. Today I did my aerobics class in them and tried to see what I could do as far as sprints on the treadmill. In aerobics class, it was ok. They still felt really heavy but at one point I was getting a pinch or something in my left arch. Not painful, but not right either. The sprints on the treadmill...I have been able to consistently do 1 minute sprints for the last week at 4.8. I am back to barely being able to do 30 seconds. I feel like I am starting over in running. It sucks!

I am trying to give it a couple workouts to really test them out. I am sure there needs to be some sort of adjustment period, right? And if the stuff that is just weird about how they feel is normal, then the biggest thing is the heaviness of them and I really probably do have to "start over" to some degree with my running. Grr...I do not like them!

Bonus? I got a discount for being a YMCA member...and an additional discount because while I was there, I helped them with coming up with their marqee slogan for the coming week. One side will say "Love them Local RUnners" the other side will say "Running builds strong hearts" hehehe

Bump in the Road, Need to Fix a Flat!

Today, as I was sitting here, figuring out how much I ate today, I realized I haven't been tracking in my spreadsheet this week what I have been eating. I don't think I have gone over calories as I have had a mental tally in my head each day, but I also know I have not been as diligent in looking up the calories either since I was not writing them down.

Being in a new, temporary place has messed with my routine. Previously, my laptop was always on or near me. Before I would even eat, I would log what I was about to eat unless I was not at home. At this home, my laptop is packed away since I can't use it for the internet and I have been using the computer here in the house. Where I am going, there won't be wireless access for my laptop, therefore, I am going to need to change some things up. I am thinking that my spreadsheet will have to be online, probably as a google document, so that I can access it anytime, from any computer, just by logging in.

Here is the other thing, having a big loss in one week seems to have given me a lazy attitude about all of this. AS IF I HAVE TIME OR ROOM TO BE LAZY IN THIS!!! Small things, like I can have that piece of chocolate, because I lost 5 lbs. Or extra rice or whatever won't be a big deal, because I lost 5 lbs. It doesn't help that in the week I lost 5 lbs, I had 2 days off from the gym, had cookies at a Super Bowl party and wings while out with friends one night! While I don't feel guilty for those luxuries and I really did allow room for them in my calories for the most part, I cannot allow it to justify current behavior.

So, I will work on getting a google document set up. In the meantime, I will at least write things down on a piece of paper. And no more lazy thinking. I have to be just as diligent this week as I have been in the past. Especially in the week before I move home which will be such a huge transition week. I HAVE to go into that one feeling strong and confident and not defeated lest all the changes get the best of me!

PS Angie...I know you are gonna read this....who do you know from my collage photos???

Meet Coach!

Tailwagger! This is for you!! This is the man I call Coach. He isn't "really" a coach, he has just acts like one and since he knows stuff about EVERYTHING, I tend to listen to him. Notice, my legs are stretched out, but HE is practically stepping on his toes to keep his stride short enough to keep up with me, or to allow me to keep up with him!

At this point last night, I was DONE, but alas I told a friend I would take a picture with coach because she wanted to see me running next to a guy 10 inches taller than me. (she thinks I am tall) Anyway, I did Pilate's and ran/walked 1 mile in the morning. Later I went back for spin class with the boys, but decided to see if I could do 2 classes in a row! I don't think I will be doing that again. In the second class I hardly did any standing runs at all (I don't always do these), but I refused to lighten my resistance. I figured if I was gonna attempt 2 in a row, I would attempt it all the way. I made it through, but today....my ASS hurts!!! I think I burned 3000 calories yesterday! That was the fun part!

Oh and I lost 5 LBS this past week! Whoo HOO!!!! I am now at a grand total of 37 LBS which is just over 10% of me is gone from when I started!!! SO EXCITING!!!!!

Grrr...stupid formatting, I can't get my paragraphs to separate!

Follow Up to...A Different Perspective

I have been thinking for a while now that I might have to venture out onto the track and do some running there. I have actually been thinking about this since I wrote about my late night attempts at running, in the dark, so no one will see me. However, I never spoke it out loud until the other day. It is amazing how speaking something out loud makes a dream or vision that much more real.

So yesterday, I tried it and I decided to hold my head high and look around me as I did it instead of avoiding eye contact.

What an incredible time!! I walk/ran for 2 miles yesterday! I ran slower than I do on the treadmill, but I was trying to make it the whole way around the track before stopping as opposed to running a maximum of 1 minute, but still, I did it!

Here is what I noticed. When on the treadmill, it appears that no one really notices you except maybe the 1 or 2 people to your right and left. Outside of that, you are just one of 50 people lined up on the machines. However, those machines face the track. I run along the perimeter of the basketball courts, for all to see. Past the free weight and stretching areas which have mirrored walls, so even if one is not facing the track, they see what is happening on the track. Then there are all the runners and fast walkers who pass me too. There is much more exposure on the track than on the treadmill. Which means more attention.

One lady ran up next to me, and at this point I was nearing the end of a lap and had my head down, simply because I was concentrating on keeping one foot in front of the other, playing a mental game to keep running the final yards til I could walk again. Anyway, she ran up next to me, put her hand out to get my attention and when I looked up she smiled and gave me the thumbs up sign and moved on. Huh. That was different.

Another guy was leaving the "meathead area"(where the muscle builders hang out) and he was heading out to walk the track. He smiled and nodded at me as I ran past him. Then as I came around again, he had gone to the stretching area. Every time I passed him, he looked up at me and smiled. Huh. That was different.

In fact, I noticed several people as I looked around looking up at me, smiling and deliberately making eye contact with me. Now I don't know their stories. Maybe some of them are former fatties trying to send some vibes of encouragement my way as Jason posted about on his blog. Maybe there were some that were amused at the sight of a 300+ lb woman attempting to run...or maybe there were some that were just encouraged that if "she" can do it, then I can too. Who knows. All I know, is I was encouraged to keep circling that track despite burning legs and lungs.

Today, I went again. I did Pilate's in the morning, followed by a 2 mile run/walk. Then went to spin class tonight where I fully believe the instructor was punishing US for HIS week off, but that is another story. After a bit of a break where I talked to Coach, I decided I had enough in me to at least run/walk 1 more mile. Plus I kinda wanted to show off what I could do. Hadn't been to the gym with him in a bit so this was new to him too. Oh what fun to actually run with someone!!! He ran/walked with me (except he skipped the last lap-WIMP!). Now you all don't know this man I have taken to calling Coach, or most of you don't, but he is a man that stand 6'5 and runs somewhat fast, comparatively to me anyway (he wouldn't say he is exceptionally fast though). I am 5'7 and have 100 lbs on him. But besides weight and time spent running or physical fitness levels....his legs alone could out pace me simply by walking while I ran. So it was somewhat comical to see this man shorten his stride by half, then half again so he could match mine and not pass me. However, I had no oxygen to spare for such luxuries as laughter, so I tucked it away in my head to laugh about later! All in all, it was fun to run with him and to have him counting down how much further we had to go. Normally I am playing the mental game of telling myself...one more corner, just this section of weights, only 20 more paces....but instead he did it for me! So fun! Oh how I will these men in my daily life!

THIS TIME....is different!

Tomorrow is another weigh in day. I am not anticipating much of a loss, if any. Simply because well...it is that time in which I retain much fluids. But it doesn't matter, cuz THIS TIME is different.

I ate some chocolate today, and yesterday even had SEVERAL cookies and cornbread and chili and didn't worry so much about counting my calories so religiously, but that is ok, cuz THIS TIME is different.

On Saturday I really didn't feel like going to the gym and had to work hard to talk myself through the sprints I was doing and and ended up doing far more than I could imagined (6.5 for 30 seconds....3 times)because THIS TIME...is different.

The other day, I was talking to some good friends who know something of my diet and weight loss history and quite a bit of my story and who I am because of it. (amazingly and wonderfully, they still love me in spite of it or because of it, I am not sure). Anyway, they asked me, "how come THIS TIME is different?" Basically, how can you be sure that this time you won't slip permanently back to your old ways when you get tired or bored or it gets hard? (ok that 2nd part is my inference) Well here is how I know that THIS TIME...really is different.

1. I am doing this for me and not for anyone else. I am not doing what I am doing to please anyone or to fulfill any one's expectation but my own. Not that I don't like to hear that people are proud of my efforts or encouraged in any way, but that is not my motivation, that is a bonus. In the past, I have attempted to lose weight because I thought that is what others wanted or because perhaps others would like me better if I did. Not anymore, this time is different.

2. I started counseling about 1 year ago because I felt very disconnected from my emotions. I would be in situations and be able to see how one might feel a given emotion based on the circumstances, but not really feel it. In this past year, I have learned to feel my emotions, to embrace them and hold them as long as I want to. In the past, if things were going on emotionally, I ate. Completely unconscious to the fact that I was even eating, let alone that it was because there was some emotion going on that I didn't want to feel. Unfortunately, I fed not only what one might consider negative emotions such as sadness, disappointment, or anger, but also the happiness, joy, celebration stuff as well. I now acknowledge and feel most everything and recognize when I resort to eating instead of feeling. Sometimes, my feelings are irrational and not based on any truth, (like disappointment over losing ONLY 2 LBS, instead of 3 or 4) but I still allow myself to feel the feeling fully before I start ambushing it with TRUTH or letting anyone else talk me out of feeling that way either. This time is different!

3. One of the biggest triggers for me emotionally has been my abuse story. I had no idea how huge this was until I started addressing my emotions. In order to address my emotions, I had to be willing to look at this aspect of my life. It took a while, but I have begun to address it and have really experienced so much healing, by the grace of God, and I will continue to address it every time it rears its ugly head. I refuse to let this part of my story have that much significance in my life such that it paralyzes me emotionally, leading to unhealthy eating. This time is different!

4. Ssshhh don't tell anyone but I am kind of excited about exercise. I like leaving the gym, feeling like I have pushed myself a little harder than before and that I didn't quit because it got hard or because it hurt. This time is different!

5. Grace. I have learned and am continuing to learn to extend grace to myself when I mess up. Like the Pringles incident last week. It's OK. One so called mess up does not mean I am not who I say I am or that I am not still working hard. It doesn't make me less of a person or mean that I am bad or a failure. It is simply Pringles being eaten. Grace, such a powerful thing that I can give myself for times when I am tired and weak. See, this time is different!

I am ready. I am confident. Let's do this thang! Because THIS TIME my friends, is different!