I am!

I started out with a blog post that talked of who I am despite the body or shell that holds me. For some odd reason, I sent it on to a couple of people as a preview and got some really good feedback. The feedback I heard was that if I separate me from my body, the story is incomplete. Some might make judgements when they see my body that I am lazy, tired, uneducated, bitter, angry, lonely, sad, or unworthy. Oh how wrong those judgments would be. They are incomplete. While I have been those things at times and probably will experience those things again in my lifetime, it is not the whole picture. I am more than just my body, but my body does tell part of the story of me.

I started out my other post talking about an image I had of me, during filming, doing a standing climb on a spin bike in my sports bra and tight shorts, in front of 4 men and actually finding the image beautiful. Yet, I still continued to separate myself from it and make it not me. Fascinating friends, fascinating. Because my thoughts about the girl in the photo were and still are....beautiful, powerful, strong, courageous, amazing, inspiring, happy, focused, determined, well loved...fascinating how I separated myself from that and only associated myself with the negative judgments one might make about a fat girl. I was encouraged to sit with owning my body as me for a bit. What an amazing experience to sit with that for a bit, imagining that photo and slowly but surely coming to grips with it being me, not some random photo of some other girl, but me. In spite of the fact that my body does not look the way I want it to look (yet), it is still me. The me now...as I am...

I have been reminded my body does reflect part of my story. My past story, past decisions that were made for me and by me, past hurts and betrayals, and even past joys. AND it reflects my current decisions, my healing and the work yet to be done. What you see is not always what you get. What you see..is just the starting point to inquire and learn more.

With that said...

I AM

I am ....
both a little girl and a grown woman.
longing to be known and loved.
deserving to be known and loved.
known and loved.

I am...
beautiful and gracious
forgiving and compassionate
motivated and determined
more than merely surviving.

I am ...
powerful and strong
a wounded survivor
with a grateful heart
and an indomitable spirit.

I am ...
an Aunt and a Sister
A daughter and a friend
a future wife and mother
A woman created for relationship.

I am ...
a runner and a spinner
a swimmer and a biker
an athlete, no, a triathlete
breaking free.

I am...ME!

But there is more...oh so much more

I have...
dreams waiting to happen
stories ready to be told
truths worth sharing
Love ready to be given.

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make.

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray

I have...
hope for today and tomorrow too
Peace within me
Mercy raining down on me
Grace sustaining me.

I have...
working hands and feet
propelling me on each day
Victory is within my reach
more healing to be had.

The longest day of my life!

Yes friends, if you didn't know it before, you know it now, I am back in my beloved GR this week. Yes I know, I should just move back here. After tonight I am convinced I will figure out a way! My trip this time, was 2 fold. One I had long standing symphony tickets....and since the TBL video submission deadline is fast approaching, the plan was to have my video completed tonight...after some last minute filming on Monday.

After filming on Monday, it was decided that Wednesday at 8:30, the premiere viewing of my video would take place. Outside of one small clip ABS showed me on Monday, I have seen nothing of this project. No footage or anything. I simply had to trust a man, I don't know very well, but who is good friends with Coach and Aaron, whom I trust without question. Needless to say, I have been anxiously awaiting Wednesday at 8:30. I am not one to usually lose sleep over things, but I was sooo excited, I have not slept well the last 2 nights and well, I am not so sure I am gonna sleep tonight either!

I did not have a huge agenda for the day, but I was meeting one friend for coffee and then having a sushi dinner with a few friends prior to the Premiere, as we have taken to calling it. But I also had a couple friends who have been integral to my journey coming over to watch the video at 8:30 as well. We had a lovely dinner, but while at dinner, Adam gets a text message from ABS, "need more time" is the basic gist of the message. And ABS didn't want me at the house until he was really ready, lest I see something before the big viewing. SO...we couldn't go back yet. As time passed, further text messages were coming in, expounding the woes of technology and how even more time was needed. At 8:15 I said, we needed to leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. We ended up at the mall, sitting in massage chairs and visiting the Apple store and painfully killing time. While at the apple store...we get another message. "40 minutes...I am not kidding!"

My face fell. All of the anticipation that had been building just deflated. I knew there would be people at the house, waiting. And of course I was awaiting this, but what can one do when technology won't cooperate! Shortly after that Scottie gets a phone call, that basically says that we can come, even though it isn't quite ready, my friends would rather watch me squirm there. But I overheard something that led me to believe that the stalling had all been intentional. SO I began to suspect trickery. But I had no idea!!!

As we pull up, there is a "no parking" sign in the driveway and as I look up, there are people standing in the driveway...I thought, that crazy ABS is making them wait in the cold? As I got out, a floodlight came on and I noticed a "red carpet" covering the entire length of the driveway. (They have a long driveway) There were "paparazzi"present all along the carpet taking photos as I walked up. And music was playing...."I'm too sexy"! Yep, of course I had to strut my stuff on the "cat walk"As I walked, I had a feather boa put on me, flowers placed in my hand, and eventually a tiara got placed on my head. It was hilarious fun! My friends LOVE me! This I know! For their actions tell me so!

When we finally made it into the house, we had a champagne toast! You seriously would have thought that a "big deal" celebrity had just arrived. I was overwhelmed. It was then I began to realize and connect the dots to conversations I had with Aaron and Carol and began to see...they were ALL in on this. This was not the work of just one person! But about a dozen, all working to surprise me! It worked guys! I don't think I have ever been so surprised in my life!

We finally moved into the viewing room to watch the video, where ABS and RD introduced the film and their experience working on it. I was touched and overwhelmed by their words. We watched the video and while I cannot post it or tell you much about it, I can say ABS and RD are geniuses at taking me and my story and telling it in such a beautiful way without taking away from who I am. The whole thing reflected who I am at my core. It was funny, vulnerable, honest and real. It was me! I was stunned into silence. Even now I have no adequate words to express what I think and feel. I feel like I have just reported the excitement of the day. But what else can I add?

I am loved. If I ever doubted or questioned it before....there is nothing of that remaining. And while the waiting was frustrating...in the end it was well worth it!

I am wordless when it comes to what I feel, not because I am not feeling anything, but there are no words to describe it all, that exist in the English language!

When I get some of the pictures of all of the trickery that went down...I will post them for you all to see!

Why I felt great here!

I have been following this guy Jason's blog for the last couple months because, well, he is amazing. He has lost 130 LBS and now runs ultra marathon's and yet he still battles daily with food. He is an inspiration of what is possible for me if I stick to what I say I want! So he is having a fun little contest on his blog that is all about finding a photo that you think you look great in, regardless of size or looks and then telling him(you, my readers) why I felt great in that photo.

Well I have a couple photos.

One is of me, coming out of the water after swimming 500 meters in the Triathlon Relay I did last Labor Day. While in general, I do not like bathing suit photos, I love this one because I am doing something athletic, despite my size, with my friends and having a blast. (That is my friend Todd who came to cheer me out of the water after his swim.)I set out to do something that seemed impossible, I learned how to swim, and trained to be able to go the distance and I finished! In 2009, I will be swimming 1000 meters and perhaps in 2010, I will either do the whole thing or do 2 legs of it!

This one is me and my brother when I was about 4 1/2 years old. I have found a few old photos of me as a kid and I love this one for 2 reasons. 1. It is me and my brother appearing to be getting along. Growing up I don't recall many times of getting along with him so it is neat to see us looking like we liked each other back then:-) Secondly, this photo was most likely taken, pre-abuse, and therefore pre-weight gain.

The last one is me running with Coach. I know, I posted this photo a few blog posts back and yes, it is a posed picture taken to show a friend, but regardless of whether this particular moment is posed or not, I can run. I am running. Another thing I never thought I would be able to do, let alone enjoy doing, on some level.

Unfounded Fears

It has been an interesting and challenging week and a half since my last 1lb gain. From the day that I found I gained 1 lb through that first Sat, I lost 3 lbs by very carefully counting my calories, discovering that I don't eat ENOUGH, and meticulously logging my time at the gym. I was ecstatic as I was on track for a 4-5 lb loss for the week, which would have been amazing!

On Sunday, I found out that I really needed to go home for a few days to help with my nieces and nephews while their mom and dad spent much time at the hospital with their oldest, Gavin. I was gone from Sunday night until Thursday afternoon, staying with 5 young children, and pretty much becoming a single mom overnight! It was a lot of work and after having a week of feeling really good about my eating and exercising, I had no idea how I was going to keep it up while at home. I felt very out of control of my environment, my time, the food that was available to me (their church was bringing in meals), or my ability to exercise. My drive home was full of anxiety as I worried about Gavin and worried about how I was going to choose to be successful in this and not resigned to failure.

On Monday after my first full day with the kids. This is what my schedule looked like.
6 AM Wake up to some child needing to "go potty" or wanting to be fed.
6:30 AM all the kids are awake by now and demanding to be fed, changed, dressed, or something
7:30 they want a snack

Pretty much the whole day was spent, preparing food for meals or snacks, cleaning up from meals or snacks, or trying to figure out the caloric count in foods that are brought in for us that I have no idea what is in them...Since I had little idea, I went for eating small amounts of things or eating fruit (which doesn't stay with you long-therefore feeling like I had been eating all day! Then on top of that feeling like, how in the world do you fit in exercise when you have 5 kids hanging on you all day and no stroller to fit them all.

SO here is what I did. I took control. I called my brother Ken and asked him to come sit with the kids for a bit so I could go out for a walk/run. Thankfully, he has been reading my blog (Yes Ken, I know you came back :-) I have a handy tracker :-) and therefore he knows what I have been up to and he came to my rescue. Thank You Kenny! So, I was able to go for a mile walk/run and it felt good. Not that I like exercise yet, but it felt good to feel like I had some control over my circumstances and that despite what looked like might turn out to be a bad ending to a great week, I was able to end it well.

On Tuesday, I went and found a scale to weigh in on. I do NOT recommend weighing in on a scale different than the one you have been on. I got on and it said I had gained 13 lbs since Saturday! Now in reality, I may have eaten a few extra calories on Monday, and may not have burned as many calories as I have been burning at the gym during my run walk, however in order to have gained 13 lbs I would have had to consume 45, 500 calories in a day and a half and not burned anything! I laughed at this scale, walked out and said...until I get back home I am considering my Saturday weight to be my weight for today!

Thursday and Friday was crazy busy and so today I went back to the gym, and weighed myself...I am on track. But since today is not my normal weigh in day, you will have to wait until Tues to find out where I am.

I didn't get to work out after that first workout on Monday, but it is not like I was sitting around either. 5 Kids under the age of 4 is a LOT of work and you move a lot taking care of just there actual physical needs. I must have gone up and down the stairs at least 30 times each day. Then there is all the toe touches as I picked up toys from the floor each day! Then there is carrying the 25 lbs of 1 yr old around each day! And that is just the work of it. That does not include all the playing, wrestling, and dancing with the princes and princesses at the balls we had!

All in all there were lots of victories this week. The biggest being that my fear that being home means inevitable failure or back tracking or gains or whatever you want to call it, does not have to be true! I decide. I am in control. I can win this war!

Now for a cute kid story since I spent the week with them. All of the kids love to play dress up. Their favorite is to be prince and princesses with the beautiful gowns and whatever clothes Garrett determines are the best for a prince to wear! While in costume, they are really in character. And of course all fairy tales that involve princes and princesses also include an evil witch. That role always falls to whatever adult is around. AKA Me. Emma, the 2 yr old princess wanted an orange peeled. After asking nicely to have one and I began peeling it for her, she looks at me and say "Do it _itch, Do it" Ummm "Excuse Me?" The princess says, "I saaiiiiddd, Do it _itch, Do it!!" Yeah she was calling me WITCH! She was still in character! It did NOT sound like WITCH!! Gotta love these kids!