Oh My word!!! I was thinking it is time to do a blog again, but with an update on where I am weight/exercise wise, then Adam went and added a bunch of goals to my goal list, which I feel need some explaining/refuting/or checking off, and then just a plain old update of all the excitement/thoughts since last Wednesday,...been alot of stuff going on...so you might want to go grab a bottle of water, perhaps an apple and settle in for a long read! Don't let me forget about the "pound for a cause" thingy!
Let's start with the fitness/food/exercise update. The last time I wrote about this, I had gained for the first time in 2009. I have not weighed in since then. Fortunately, this has not been ad avoidance thing. It was a practical thing. Since weighing in last, I have been in GR, more than I have been home. I have actually only been home for 2 days so my regularly appointed scale was not available to me. My plan is to weigh in tomorrow when I get home. IN fact, I will get up and go back to the "D" and go straight to the scale and see where I am at. One would think I would be nervous about this as I have not been counting calories, although I am quite certain 95% of the time I did not go over calories. I have sucked at eating "regularly" often going far to long between meals or skipping meals completely. And since often others were cooking for me or I was eating out, counting just became far too much of a chore and I got lazy. On top of that, my exercise has not been regular. Lots of excuses really. It turned cold again...and who wants to run in the cold? And I can't get into my old Y because they have a new policy about guests. All this to say, I hope I have held steady...but I will take whatever it is like a man...and go again. I am actually looking forward to getting home and re-establishing the routine I had just begun to get a grasp on before I started all this travelling back and forth. SO that is that! Not beating myself up, just looking at reality and preparing to go strong....and hit that 50 LB mark next week....for DANG SURE!!!
NOW, I don't know if any of you actually pay attention to my goal list on my sidebar...but if you do...you will notice that last night it grew!! By almost 15! Adam had my computer and we were talking about skiing next year and we discovered that wasn't on the list...so I had him add it. Well, he went a bit overboard and decided to make up some goals for me as well. But since somehow I think I agreed to keep these up here for a week, I feel the need to explain them in some way!
solo sail around the world-while this would be fun....I would get far too lonely, so not gonna happen!
go BASE jumping-Umm Nope, not unless he does it with me! And he is a chicken so it also not likely to happen!
play rock band drums on expert-LOL, if you all only knew how bad I was at drums! I can not even clap on beat at church, so Rock Band Drums on Easy is hilarious let alone Expert!! But this I will attempt...Besides, attempting means I come back to GR for the opportunity! Have a Rock Band Party...I will come!
play the trumpet-Been there done that...back in Jr. High...But I will learn again...soon...and play for him...although since he is an expert player (tongue in cheek) I am sure I will be quite intimidated!
do a flip off the diving board-I do not jump off of things...including diving boards...so doing a flip will be a feat...I will agree to this one!
clean the Medema Mansion-Have done this before. (this is his home, so that is why he wants me to clean it!)
do a handstand-Adam you left the pool early on filming day..I did this...and have it on video!!! Snooze you lose my friend!
go surfing-might be fun...we will see
lay on a bed of nails-He is nuts! I do not like pain without a purpose...there is no purpose in this!
walk across burning coals-see bed of nails!
blow bubbles-So are you saying Adam I need to be like a child again? Not a problem! Will you blow with me?
tight rope walk the Grand Canyon-You first!!!
OK, this is longer than I thought...I will update you on the TV commercial, the fundraiser, and umm my weigh in tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Red Carpet Photo Extravaganza!
These are not in any particular order....just whatever order they uploaded in....
On the catwalk, I think I just realized that "I'm too Sexy" is what is being played! SO of course I had to do my little turn on the catwalk, yeaahhh!
Aaron is attempting to pop the bubbly as I think I am beginning to see the lies! lies! lies! that have been told or at least truths withheld as they pulled together this surprise!
Some of the paparazzi!
And here is the tiara and boa! I think the flowers are on the counter next to my right arm!!
Me and my friend Jason...apparently at the end of the Red Carpet, and it looks like I am burning it up!!
Listening to Coach as he toasts me and my "ever increasingly smaller ass"! (His favorite thing to say to me!)
All the glasses...and see that gorgeous woman...that is the script director extraordinaire(RD) and ABS, who have spent I don't KNOW how many hours putting all this together!! and of course Aaron.
This is ABS, the most amazing cinematographer, producer, creative genius, I have ever met...ok he is the only one I have ever met and known, but still!! He has such a way of making me feel comfortable in front of a camera...as comfortable as one who is not an actor can be anyway! I guess comfortable is not the word...safe...I felt safe sharing my story on camera in front of him!
I'm to sexy....yeah......
The red carpet...all laid out...I am approaching it and am beginning to realize the surprise!
And ....the title page to my video...no you cannot click on it and make it play...it is just a photo of the tv screen!
On the catwalk, I think I just realized that "I'm too Sexy" is what is being played! SO of course I had to do my little turn on the catwalk, yeaahhh!
Aaron is attempting to pop the bubbly as I think I am beginning to see the lies! lies! lies! that have been told or at least truths withheld as they pulled together this surprise!
Some of the paparazzi!
And here is the tiara and boa! I think the flowers are on the counter next to my right arm!!
Me and my friend Jason...apparently at the end of the Red Carpet, and it looks like I am burning it up!!
Listening to Coach as he toasts me and my "ever increasingly smaller ass"! (His favorite thing to say to me!)
All the glasses...and see that gorgeous woman...that is the script director extraordinaire(RD) and ABS, who have spent I don't KNOW how many hours putting all this together!! and of course Aaron.
This is ABS, the most amazing cinematographer, producer, creative genius, I have ever met...ok he is the only one I have ever met and known, but still!! He has such a way of making me feel comfortable in front of a camera...as comfortable as one who is not an actor can be anyway! I guess comfortable is not the word...safe...I felt safe sharing my story on camera in front of him!
I'm to sexy....yeah......
The red carpet...all laid out...I am approaching it and am beginning to realize the surprise!
And ....the title page to my video...no you cannot click on it and make it play...it is just a photo of the tv screen!The longest day of my life!
Yes friends, if you didn't know it before, you know it now, I am back in my beloved GR this week. Yes I know, I should just move back here. After tonight I am convinced I will figure out a way! My trip this time, was 2 fold. One I had long standing symphony tickets....and since the TBL video submission deadline is fast approaching, the plan was to have my video completed tonight...after some last minute filming on Monday.
After filming on Monday, it was decided that Wednesday at 8:30, the premiere viewing of my video would take place. Outside of one small clip ABS showed me on Monday, I have seen nothing of this project. No footage or anything. I simply had to trust a man, I don't know very well, but who is good friends with Coach and Aaron, whom I trust without question. Needless to say, I have been anxiously awaiting Wednesday at 8:30. I am not one to usually lose sleep over things, but I was sooo excited, I have not slept well the last 2 nights and well, I am not so sure I am gonna sleep tonight either!
I did not have a huge agenda for the day, but I was meeting one friend for coffee and then having a sushi dinner with a few friends prior to the Premiere, as we have taken to calling it. But I also had a couple friends who have been integral to my journey coming over to watch the video at 8:30 as well. We had a lovely dinner, but while at dinner, Adam gets a text message from ABS, "need more time" is the basic gist of the message. And ABS didn't want me at the house until he was really ready, lest I see something before the big viewing. SO...we couldn't go back yet. As time passed, further text messages were coming in, expounding the woes of technology and how even more time was needed. At 8:15 I said, we needed to leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. We ended up at the mall, sitting in massage chairs and visiting the Apple store and painfully killing time. While at the apple store...we get another message. "40 minutes...I am not kidding!"
My face fell. All of the anticipation that had been building just deflated. I knew there would be people at the house, waiting. And of course I was awaiting this, but what can one do when technology won't cooperate! Shortly after that Scottie gets a phone call, that basically says that we can come, even though it isn't quite ready, my friends would rather watch me squirm there. But I overheard something that led me to believe that the stalling had all been intentional. SO I began to suspect trickery. But I had no idea!!!
As we pull up, there is a "no parking" sign in the driveway and as I look up, there are people standing in the driveway...I thought, that crazy ABS is making them wait in the cold? As I got out, a floodlight came on and I noticed a "red carpet" covering the entire length of the driveway. (They have a long driveway) There were "paparazzi"present all along the carpet taking photos as I walked up. And music was playing...."I'm too sexy"! Yep, of course I had to strut my stuff on the "cat walk"As I walked, I had a feather boa put on me, flowers placed in my hand, and eventually a tiara got placed on my head. It was hilarious fun! My friends LOVE me! This I know! For their actions tell me so!
When we finally made it into the house, we had a champagne toast! You seriously would have thought that a "big deal" celebrity had just arrived. I was overwhelmed. It was then I began to realize and connect the dots to conversations I had with Aaron and Carol and began to see...they were ALL in on this. This was not the work of just one person! But about a dozen, all working to surprise me! It worked guys! I don't think I have ever been so surprised in my life!
We finally moved into the viewing room to watch the video, where ABS and RD introduced the film and their experience working on it. I was touched and overwhelmed by their words. We watched the video and while I cannot post it or tell you much about it, I can say ABS and RD are geniuses at taking me and my story and telling it in such a beautiful way without taking away from who I am. The whole thing reflected who I am at my core. It was funny, vulnerable, honest and real. It was me! I was stunned into silence. Even now I have no adequate words to express what I think and feel. I feel like I have just reported the excitement of the day. But what else can I add?
I am loved. If I ever doubted or questioned it before....there is nothing of that remaining. And while the waiting was frustrating...in the end it was well worth it!
I am wordless when it comes to what I feel, not because I am not feeling anything, but there are no words to describe it all, that exist in the English language!
When I get some of the pictures of all of the trickery that went down...I will post them for you all to see!
After filming on Monday, it was decided that Wednesday at 8:30, the premiere viewing of my video would take place. Outside of one small clip ABS showed me on Monday, I have seen nothing of this project. No footage or anything. I simply had to trust a man, I don't know very well, but who is good friends with Coach and Aaron, whom I trust without question. Needless to say, I have been anxiously awaiting Wednesday at 8:30. I am not one to usually lose sleep over things, but I was sooo excited, I have not slept well the last 2 nights and well, I am not so sure I am gonna sleep tonight either!
I did not have a huge agenda for the day, but I was meeting one friend for coffee and then having a sushi dinner with a few friends prior to the Premiere, as we have taken to calling it. But I also had a couple friends who have been integral to my journey coming over to watch the video at 8:30 as well. We had a lovely dinner, but while at dinner, Adam gets a text message from ABS, "need more time" is the basic gist of the message. And ABS didn't want me at the house until he was really ready, lest I see something before the big viewing. SO...we couldn't go back yet. As time passed, further text messages were coming in, expounding the woes of technology and how even more time was needed. At 8:15 I said, we needed to leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. We ended up at the mall, sitting in massage chairs and visiting the Apple store and painfully killing time. While at the apple store...we get another message. "40 minutes...I am not kidding!"
My face fell. All of the anticipation that had been building just deflated. I knew there would be people at the house, waiting. And of course I was awaiting this, but what can one do when technology won't cooperate! Shortly after that Scottie gets a phone call, that basically says that we can come, even though it isn't quite ready, my friends would rather watch me squirm there. But I overheard something that led me to believe that the stalling had all been intentional. SO I began to suspect trickery. But I had no idea!!!
As we pull up, there is a "no parking" sign in the driveway and as I look up, there are people standing in the driveway...I thought, that crazy ABS is making them wait in the cold? As I got out, a floodlight came on and I noticed a "red carpet" covering the entire length of the driveway. (They have a long driveway) There were "paparazzi"present all along the carpet taking photos as I walked up. And music was playing...."I'm too sexy"! Yep, of course I had to strut my stuff on the "cat walk"As I walked, I had a feather boa put on me, flowers placed in my hand, and eventually a tiara got placed on my head. It was hilarious fun! My friends LOVE me! This I know! For their actions tell me so!
When we finally made it into the house, we had a champagne toast! You seriously would have thought that a "big deal" celebrity had just arrived. I was overwhelmed. It was then I began to realize and connect the dots to conversations I had with Aaron and Carol and began to see...they were ALL in on this. This was not the work of just one person! But about a dozen, all working to surprise me! It worked guys! I don't think I have ever been so surprised in my life!
We finally moved into the viewing room to watch the video, where ABS and RD introduced the film and their experience working on it. I was touched and overwhelmed by their words. We watched the video and while I cannot post it or tell you much about it, I can say ABS and RD are geniuses at taking me and my story and telling it in such a beautiful way without taking away from who I am. The whole thing reflected who I am at my core. It was funny, vulnerable, honest and real. It was me! I was stunned into silence. Even now I have no adequate words to express what I think and feel. I feel like I have just reported the excitement of the day. But what else can I add?
I am loved. If I ever doubted or questioned it before....there is nothing of that remaining. And while the waiting was frustrating...in the end it was well worth it!
I am wordless when it comes to what I feel, not because I am not feeling anything, but there are no words to describe it all, that exist in the English language!
When I get some of the pictures of all of the trickery that went down...I will post them for you all to see!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thoughts for the new photo...
I was trying to post this photo I found from a trip I took last year to my blog header. However, as it posted it was far to big...so I clicked the shrink to fit button and this is what I got! At first I tried to change it up and "fix" it so it looked "right", then I realized that this is what I always do...make things "right".
SO I began to look at the photo and realized it can actually tell a story too...that fits with this journey...so here are my thoughts.
Sometimes as I travel along, (particularly in light of a gain week) I feel like I am thrashing around a bit, lost and like there just is no road or even a path to be travelling on. The journey is hard and I get scratched up from the trees and may even tumble into poison ivy or trip over roots coming up out of the ground. Then I get so caught up in the very spot I am and how I don't know how I got so far off the path that I cannot see it anymore! But the truth is, if I stop looking down at the ground immediately before me, I am not so far off the path. If you look at the photo, the road can still be seen, and is pretty easy to get to actually...I just gotta get my eyes off the immediate circumstances and focus on the distance...where I am headed...and keep moving. The trees, roots, poison ivy and any other obstacle can be my training tools to ensure I make it the whole distance or they can be obstacles that hinder me. I get to choose.
Lord help me to see them as tools when I feel like this and when I miss Him showing me...I am sure you all will be quick to point out a new tool! :-)
SO I began to look at the photo and realized it can actually tell a story too...that fits with this journey...so here are my thoughts.
Sometimes as I travel along, (particularly in light of a gain week) I feel like I am thrashing around a bit, lost and like there just is no road or even a path to be travelling on. The journey is hard and I get scratched up from the trees and may even tumble into poison ivy or trip over roots coming up out of the ground. Then I get so caught up in the very spot I am and how I don't know how I got so far off the path that I cannot see it anymore! But the truth is, if I stop looking down at the ground immediately before me, I am not so far off the path. If you look at the photo, the road can still be seen, and is pretty easy to get to actually...I just gotta get my eyes off the immediate circumstances and focus on the distance...where I am headed...and keep moving. The trees, roots, poison ivy and any other obstacle can be my training tools to ensure I make it the whole distance or they can be obstacles that hinder me. I get to choose.
Lord help me to see them as tools when I feel like this and when I miss Him showing me...I am sure you all will be quick to point out a new tool! :-)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
My first non-loss of 2009
Hmmm...I should warn you that this will be a long post...but all my posts end up long. I should probably only warn you if it is gonna be short, so you don't think something is missing :-)
On 3/3 I weighed in at 312.5. On 3/13 I weighed in a couple days late from my normal Tuesday weigh in because I was out of town and weighed 307.1 (loss of 5.4). Today I weighed in and weighed 308.5. Yes folks I gained 1.4 lbs. This is the first time in 09 that I have not lost. Not only did I not lose, but I gained.
I wish I could say that I ate well all week and was faithful in my exercise every single day. I wish I could chalk it up to my body not cooperating or water weight gain or some other thing that I don't really have control over. But I can't. Not without lying.
There are several factors that contributed to this gain. All of them controllable by me, which is what makes me not disappointed or discouraged, but rather pissed off...at myself. I let circumstances play too huge a role in my decisions and clearly my choices have consequences.
1. On Saturday I went to a baby shower where I ate the food provided. I didn't really overeat here, but I didn't make the best choices of what was laid before me. Then I added cake to the mix and ice cream. At the time, I was ok with things here because even people who are healthy eat unhealthy things at times and are ok. It is taking it to extremes that is unhealthy. I had 3 bites of cake and probably the same of the ice cream and decided I was done.
2. Later I went to a a Euchre party at my Aunt's house. My plan, since I had already eaten alot at the baby shower was to grab Subway on my way...and not eat the party food. Well, I couldn't find the Subway, so I got really frustrated and just went to the party trying to convince myself I wasn't really hungry anyway, and I can just not eat anything there. That plan fell apart within minutes of my arrival. My uncle made me a Yummy drink (pineapple juice and rum....and Yes I do drink on occasion)
A strange dynamic happens for me at this house. They all think I am the "good girl". I don't drink and I never do anything wrong. Yeah right! I am human people! But seriously they have this image of me that I don't do anything wrong, so if they see me with a drink in hand, they are quite shocked and comment on my goodness, whatever that is. So for some reason when here, I feel like I am always trying to show them how not good I am. I know strange, right? Who doesn't want to be perceived as good? Well, when it is almost pedestal like, I don't like it...and I try to keep jumping off the pedestal.
So the conversation throughout the night with various people at various times was...how "good" I was and how much weight I have lost and how good I look. So I ended up drinking more than I "should" which just helped me to toss my good intentions towards eating out the window and eat while drinking...and while amongst my inner circle and on this blog my weight is talked about often, it seems different somehow and all the talk about how "good" I look was actually wearing on me after a while.
All that to say, I made really poor choices for a large variety of possible reasons. I have no idea what I consumed this day in eating...but my drinks alone were at least 900 calories...by the time I was done. That is HALF of my allotted calories for 1 day...so I am POSITIVE i was over..by ALOT.
3. I was excited about possibly hitting my 50 lb marker and being able to check that off my goal list. I realize 50 lbs is a lot and it is 1/4 of my total goal and is a big deal!! I also know that in any given weight loss attempt I have never made it beyond 60 lbs. The last time I stopped losing weight, in hindsight, it was comments about how good I was looking that sent me over the edge. Back then I had not even begun to look seriously at my sexual abuse issues beyond knowing that it definitely has had an impact. So as I approach 50 lbs, the comments are starting, and there are fears about whether I have what it takes to go farther than ever before...and to finish what I started. But because of my past I have to question whether there is any self-sabotaging going on. I have been thinking about this all day and I am still not sure. But I cannot ignore the question. Part of me thinks that on some level yes, there was some self-sabotaging. If it was, I don't think it accounted it all.
I am not giving up! I am not discouraged! I am pissed off! This time IS different. I am asking myself hard questions in the face of this gain. I am not avoiding reality or making excuses for why the scale says what it says. The scale has served its purpose this week. It has given me feedback about the realities of the choices I made. By listening to the feedback, asking the questions, not succumbing to despair, and letting people in to where I am at...it just proves that I am different. I am growing in health...physically, mentally and spiritually....and that my friends is what I am after. Whole health.
I will leave you with a quote from Aaron. He said this to me in November via email, which ironically was the last time I think I had a gain and I was discouraged because that time, I had done everything right. I found it this week before I found out I gained and actually used it to encourage someone else. It is fitting and timely for this as I continue to pursue whole health, despite my gain.
"This journey is about more than just weight! It is about a wholly healthy you (spiritually and physically). If you made good eating choices, were diligent about hitting the gym, and humble before God this week and still gained a little then no worries. Weight is one measure of progress, but your heart is a truer one." Aaron
On 3/3 I weighed in at 312.5. On 3/13 I weighed in a couple days late from my normal Tuesday weigh in because I was out of town and weighed 307.1 (loss of 5.4). Today I weighed in and weighed 308.5. Yes folks I gained 1.4 lbs. This is the first time in 09 that I have not lost. Not only did I not lose, but I gained.
I wish I could say that I ate well all week and was faithful in my exercise every single day. I wish I could chalk it up to my body not cooperating or water weight gain or some other thing that I don't really have control over. But I can't. Not without lying.
There are several factors that contributed to this gain. All of them controllable by me, which is what makes me not disappointed or discouraged, but rather pissed off...at myself. I let circumstances play too huge a role in my decisions and clearly my choices have consequences.
1. On Saturday I went to a baby shower where I ate the food provided. I didn't really overeat here, but I didn't make the best choices of what was laid before me. Then I added cake to the mix and ice cream. At the time, I was ok with things here because even people who are healthy eat unhealthy things at times and are ok. It is taking it to extremes that is unhealthy. I had 3 bites of cake and probably the same of the ice cream and decided I was done.
2. Later I went to a a Euchre party at my Aunt's house. My plan, since I had already eaten alot at the baby shower was to grab Subway on my way...and not eat the party food. Well, I couldn't find the Subway, so I got really frustrated and just went to the party trying to convince myself I wasn't really hungry anyway, and I can just not eat anything there. That plan fell apart within minutes of my arrival. My uncle made me a Yummy drink (pineapple juice and rum....and Yes I do drink on occasion)
A strange dynamic happens for me at this house. They all think I am the "good girl". I don't drink and I never do anything wrong. Yeah right! I am human people! But seriously they have this image of me that I don't do anything wrong, so if they see me with a drink in hand, they are quite shocked and comment on my goodness, whatever that is. So for some reason when here, I feel like I am always trying to show them how not good I am. I know strange, right? Who doesn't want to be perceived as good? Well, when it is almost pedestal like, I don't like it...and I try to keep jumping off the pedestal.
So the conversation throughout the night with various people at various times was...how "good" I was and how much weight I have lost and how good I look. So I ended up drinking more than I "should" which just helped me to toss my good intentions towards eating out the window and eat while drinking...and while amongst my inner circle and on this blog my weight is talked about often, it seems different somehow and all the talk about how "good" I look was actually wearing on me after a while.
All that to say, I made really poor choices for a large variety of possible reasons. I have no idea what I consumed this day in eating...but my drinks alone were at least 900 calories...by the time I was done. That is HALF of my allotted calories for 1 day...so I am POSITIVE i was over..by ALOT.
3. I was excited about possibly hitting my 50 lb marker and being able to check that off my goal list. I realize 50 lbs is a lot and it is 1/4 of my total goal and is a big deal!! I also know that in any given weight loss attempt I have never made it beyond 60 lbs. The last time I stopped losing weight, in hindsight, it was comments about how good I was looking that sent me over the edge. Back then I had not even begun to look seriously at my sexual abuse issues beyond knowing that it definitely has had an impact. So as I approach 50 lbs, the comments are starting, and there are fears about whether I have what it takes to go farther than ever before...and to finish what I started. But because of my past I have to question whether there is any self-sabotaging going on. I have been thinking about this all day and I am still not sure. But I cannot ignore the question. Part of me thinks that on some level yes, there was some self-sabotaging. If it was, I don't think it accounted it all.
I am not giving up! I am not discouraged! I am pissed off! This time IS different. I am asking myself hard questions in the face of this gain. I am not avoiding reality or making excuses for why the scale says what it says. The scale has served its purpose this week. It has given me feedback about the realities of the choices I made. By listening to the feedback, asking the questions, not succumbing to despair, and letting people in to where I am at...it just proves that I am different. I am growing in health...physically, mentally and spiritually....and that my friends is what I am after. Whole health.
I will leave you with a quote from Aaron. He said this to me in November via email, which ironically was the last time I think I had a gain and I was discouraged because that time, I had done everything right. I found it this week before I found out I gained and actually used it to encourage someone else. It is fitting and timely for this as I continue to pursue whole health, despite my gain.
"This journey is about more than just weight! It is about a wholly healthy you (spiritually and physically). If you made good eating choices, were diligent about hitting the gym, and humble before God this week and still gained a little then no worries. Weight is one measure of progress, but your heart is a truer one." Aaron
Monday, March 16, 2009
10,000 feelings!
What a lovely day! Full of soo many emotions!For those who don' know me personally, this is a big deal and something to be celebrated!
It started out a bit rough, I got some sad news late last night from a friend and I fell asleep praying for him and just feeling sad about some things. I woke the same way, with this friend on my mind and wondering how it is that things turn out the way they do. Then I just got angry. Satan is such a liar and a thief and destroyer. Stupid...evil...!@#$%
Then I got mail! I opened my email to find a sneak peek teaser clip of my audition video sent to me for my viewing pleasure. Can I just say, that ABS (film guy) is a genius! A 30 second clip and if I wasn't sold on trusting him to put my story in film before...I do now! Happiness, excitement, anticipation, joy!
Then...I got a phone call from Nicole! Would I like to go to Kensington for a walk with her and baby Nic? Heck Yeah! Kensington is my absolute favorite park in East Michigan and it is a gorgeous day! So we went for a walk...a 3.5 mile walk. It is amazing how walking that far seems like so little when...1. You are in the presence of a good friend and 2. you are in decent shape, despite the size. When we ended, I looked at my pedometer and told her how far we had walked...and both of us were surprised! SO easy! While on the walk...we decided that Spring is a lovely time of year in Michigan. It is like the earth is waking up. Walking this same path in winter...all you hear is the crunch of your feet on snow....but now...NOW you hear the birds chirping, the woodpeckers pecking, the squirrels chattering. We saw a muskrat in the river...and the best part...2 cranes decided to walk down the same path we were on. They were heading towards us...and like any polite couple on a walk....moved off to the side and walked off path (3 feet away) as they passed us. We turned to watch as they moved back on the path as they passed us and just continued down the path....like this is NORMAL!!! Absolute delight in God's creation, peace, joy, comfort, love, surprised.
I came home from this lovely time to be able to find my friend Lisa from Kosovo online and I was able to chat with her for a bit. We talked about some things going on in Kosovo with some of the kids there that just made me angry again at the deceitfulness of Satan and how he just never gives up. The thing is...he just doesn't know what he has unleashed in me...by messin' with my people!!! Then somehow we got on a topic of my story (abuse story). I am still not sure how this happened, but it was so good to talk to her about these things. It must have been a God thing! So good! anger, love, comfort, peace, healing.
Had some dinner...worried about my weigh in tomorrow. Thought briefly about not eating anything tonight and just waiting to eat again until after the weigh in tomorrow...but dismissed that thought pretty quick. Regardless of the scale, I am after total health...and that kind of mentality and behavior is not healthy. I would love it if I lost at least 1.1 lbs this week as then I will officially be at the 50 lb mark. Nervous, anxiousness.
Then I decided to go for a run. I headed over to the state rec area by my house with a plan to run the trails there. My plan was to drive to where it meets the river then run up to the campground...which I figure is about 2 maybe 2.5 miles. If it was still light enough, I would go back...if not...I would walk home...because the campground is about a half mile from my house and have mom drive me back to get my car. So off I went. It was so pretty with the evening sky overhead peeking through the bare trees. I have decided that while trail running is harder...I think I like it best so far. I don't seem to pay attention to time or distance. I just run until I simply cannot run anymore. Sometimes that is a long time...sometimes it is 100 yards or so. Then I walk. Peace, awe, inspired, strong.
Then, the light began to fade really fast. I looked around and realized I am not sure how far I have gone or how much further to the campground. I have never been on this trail before and in the fading light I began to panic that what if I am not on the path I think I am. What if I am not heading towards the campground at all. I went forward for a little longer thinking I need to decide. Am I going to keep going or not? If not I need to turn back now (or 10 minutes ago) to make sure I get back to my car and don't get lost in the woods at night. I chose to turn back. I began to run but I could not run faster than the fading light. I could no longer see the mud slicks that I managed to avoid on the way out, so I began to slip and slide. Then as I was still trying to avoid mud, I was tripping over twigs and sticks, that I swear were not on the path on my way out. With panic beginning to set in my mind began to race, my heart began to pump with adrenaline as the full realization of the stupidity of this situation hit me. Clearly someone had followed behind me putting sticks and stones in my path to trip me up, right? I began to think of all the horrors that happen to women on dark lonely paths. I realized how alone I was...and how stupid this idea was to do this so close to dark! THEN my mind decided to remind me that a few years back, a young woman did get raped and killed in these very woods. Granted it was by her boyfriend that she had broken up with and he didn't like that very much...but still. I ran faster. I ran until I couldn't breathe and absolutely HAD to walk lest I pass out. I walked as fast as I could until I was able to breathe again then I took off running. Based on a pure estimate, I think I made it back to my car in half the time it took me to get out there. It is amazing how fast adrenaline can make you go when you feel like your very life might depend on it! I got back and in the light of the car, I was able to see my pedometer. 3 miles. Which means that I was closer to home than to my car when I decided to turn back. Ironic! Terror, fear, relief.
I got home in time to see that my mom had a TV show on called "How I met your Mother"....or something like that. Which I had noticed on Facebook earlier that a friend of mine was going to be on that show. She had told us what to watch for..as she is an extra. If you watched this show...my friend Tamara was the woman on the TV screen that was having a baby and one of the main characters delivered it. It was quite cool to see her on TV! Pleasure, joy, happiness, excitement, pride.
Now...I am feeling silly for writing all this out. But all in all...I did 6.5 miles today. Pride, accomplished, strong.
I've GOT this Thang!
It started out a bit rough, I got some sad news late last night from a friend and I fell asleep praying for him and just feeling sad about some things. I woke the same way, with this friend on my mind and wondering how it is that things turn out the way they do. Then I just got angry. Satan is such a liar and a thief and destroyer. Stupid...evil...!@#$%
Then I got mail! I opened my email to find a sneak peek teaser clip of my audition video sent to me for my viewing pleasure. Can I just say, that ABS (film guy) is a genius! A 30 second clip and if I wasn't sold on trusting him to put my story in film before...I do now! Happiness, excitement, anticipation, joy!
Then...I got a phone call from Nicole! Would I like to go to Kensington for a walk with her and baby Nic? Heck Yeah! Kensington is my absolute favorite park in East Michigan and it is a gorgeous day! So we went for a walk...a 3.5 mile walk. It is amazing how walking that far seems like so little when...1. You are in the presence of a good friend and 2. you are in decent shape, despite the size. When we ended, I looked at my pedometer and told her how far we had walked...and both of us were surprised! SO easy! While on the walk...we decided that Spring is a lovely time of year in Michigan. It is like the earth is waking up. Walking this same path in winter...all you hear is the crunch of your feet on snow....but now...NOW you hear the birds chirping, the woodpeckers pecking, the squirrels chattering. We saw a muskrat in the river...and the best part...2 cranes decided to walk down the same path we were on. They were heading towards us...and like any polite couple on a walk....moved off to the side and walked off path (3 feet away) as they passed us. We turned to watch as they moved back on the path as they passed us and just continued down the path....like this is NORMAL!!! Absolute delight in God's creation, peace, joy, comfort, love, surprised.
I came home from this lovely time to be able to find my friend Lisa from Kosovo online and I was able to chat with her for a bit. We talked about some things going on in Kosovo with some of the kids there that just made me angry again at the deceitfulness of Satan and how he just never gives up. The thing is...he just doesn't know what he has unleashed in me...by messin' with my people!!! Then somehow we got on a topic of my story (abuse story). I am still not sure how this happened, but it was so good to talk to her about these things. It must have been a God thing! So good! anger, love, comfort, peace, healing.
Had some dinner...worried about my weigh in tomorrow. Thought briefly about not eating anything tonight and just waiting to eat again until after the weigh in tomorrow...but dismissed that thought pretty quick. Regardless of the scale, I am after total health...and that kind of mentality and behavior is not healthy. I would love it if I lost at least 1.1 lbs this week as then I will officially be at the 50 lb mark. Nervous, anxiousness.
Then I decided to go for a run. I headed over to the state rec area by my house with a plan to run the trails there. My plan was to drive to where it meets the river then run up to the campground...which I figure is about 2 maybe 2.5 miles. If it was still light enough, I would go back...if not...I would walk home...because the campground is about a half mile from my house and have mom drive me back to get my car. So off I went. It was so pretty with the evening sky overhead peeking through the bare trees. I have decided that while trail running is harder...I think I like it best so far. I don't seem to pay attention to time or distance. I just run until I simply cannot run anymore. Sometimes that is a long time...sometimes it is 100 yards or so. Then I walk. Peace, awe, inspired, strong.
Then, the light began to fade really fast. I looked around and realized I am not sure how far I have gone or how much further to the campground. I have never been on this trail before and in the fading light I began to panic that what if I am not on the path I think I am. What if I am not heading towards the campground at all. I went forward for a little longer thinking I need to decide. Am I going to keep going or not? If not I need to turn back now (or 10 minutes ago) to make sure I get back to my car and don't get lost in the woods at night. I chose to turn back. I began to run but I could not run faster than the fading light. I could no longer see the mud slicks that I managed to avoid on the way out, so I began to slip and slide. Then as I was still trying to avoid mud, I was tripping over twigs and sticks, that I swear were not on the path on my way out. With panic beginning to set in my mind began to race, my heart began to pump with adrenaline as the full realization of the stupidity of this situation hit me. Clearly someone had followed behind me putting sticks and stones in my path to trip me up, right? I began to think of all the horrors that happen to women on dark lonely paths. I realized how alone I was...and how stupid this idea was to do this so close to dark! THEN my mind decided to remind me that a few years back, a young woman did get raped and killed in these very woods. Granted it was by her boyfriend that she had broken up with and he didn't like that very much...but still. I ran faster. I ran until I couldn't breathe and absolutely HAD to walk lest I pass out. I walked as fast as I could until I was able to breathe again then I took off running. Based on a pure estimate, I think I made it back to my car in half the time it took me to get out there. It is amazing how fast adrenaline can make you go when you feel like your very life might depend on it! I got back and in the light of the car, I was able to see my pedometer. 3 miles. Which means that I was closer to home than to my car when I decided to turn back. Ironic! Terror, fear, relief.
I got home in time to see that my mom had a TV show on called "How I met your Mother"....or something like that. Which I had noticed on Facebook earlier that a friend of mine was going to be on that show. She had told us what to watch for..as she is an extra. If you watched this show...my friend Tamara was the woman on the TV screen that was having a baby and one of the main characters delivered it. It was quite cool to see her on TV! Pleasure, joy, happiness, excitement, pride.
Now...I am feeling silly for writing all this out. But all in all...I did 6.5 miles today. Pride, accomplished, strong.
I've GOT this Thang!
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Pain of Transformation
I have been home...in Detroit...for about a month now and I have already had 1 trip back to my beloved GR, which turned out to be a desperately needed reprieve. It wasn't until I crossed into Kent County that I realized how incredibly stressed out I had been when suddenly I felt lighter and more peaceful and ready to keep going again. I stayed as long as I could just breathing in the West Michigan air until the realities of Detroit called me back.
Ultimately the reality is this. I AM living in Detroit. I will probably always want to be somewhere else, but for now, that would be plain old fantasy land! In GR, I have a place filled with relationships created based on what I wanted and needed, not on history or old beliefs. I didn't have 32 years of history and habits and actions/reactions to family. I didn't have as many negative automatic triggers that send me spiraling. More specifically, I didn't have temptations around in relative abundance. If I wanted chips or chocolate in GR, it had to be very intentional. I had to actually go to the store for it because it wasn't kept in the house. There was no "mindless eating".
Where am I going with this? I did have a point when I started this...really I did. Oh yes! This process of losing 200 + lbs is transformative. Life changing. There is NO WAY someone can lose that much weight and not be completely changed. In GR, this transformation process was easier, simply because of how my life was set up, who I had in my life, and how they stood with me on a daily basis. By no means was it easy...but it was easier. Now though is where the rubber meets the road. Now is where the transformation process gets painful. Now I get to really decide each day whether I am going to stick with this or am I going to cave because it is easier. I have to choose not between 2 healthy choices set before me, but rather...my healthy choice vs my old favorite food from childhood...like fried chicken or creamed chicken or fried pork chops. Now my choice for a different kind of life, a different way of relating to food, a different way of looking at fitness and health and exercise...now is when it gets real.
Transformation is hard my friends. Especially when transformation means becoming something completely different than you once were. Think caterpillar to butterfly. It takes energy, resolve, commitment, honesty, accountability, determination, perseverance...and it takes a vision. I have been to several leadership/character development workshops. At one, they talked about having a vision that will call you through the pain of transformation. (ahhh yes, I knew I had a point or two to this ramble!)
SO this week I have been thinking about MY vision. The one that is big enough in me that will pull me through the hard times, the tough choices, and hard conversations...to the new me. Is my vision just about wearing that cute yellow dress I talked about? OR the vision of me sky diving? When I think of the big picture, while those things are fun to think about and dream about...it is pretty doggone small...especially when pitted against a choice to go run in the remains of a cold Michigan winter.
I am not completely clear on what my vision fully encompasses. But here is what I do know. It is about choosing life. Scripture talks about a choice being set before us for life or death. We are urged to choose life, that we might live. I choose life! It is also about what kind of life I want to live. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to feel like a physical activity is not impossible for me. I want to feel confident and sexy. I want to be attracted to a guy and feel like I actually have a shot because my weight is not in the way. I want to get married....SOON! I want to feel attractive to my husband and not have my weight interfere in any part of our relationship, not emotionally, psychologically, or physically. I want a great sex life! HA! I said it! I don't want something mediocre in that! I want to have children. I want to be able to keep up with my children and not feel exhausted by them. I want to inspire and encourage others, not just to lose weight, but to be the best they can be...and part of me feels like how can I do that, if I am not being the best I can be? There is no ONE thing that I want that is big enough to pull me through the painful times....but there are a lot of pretty amazing things that added up...make a difference in my choices....These are the things I need to think on when my choice is grilled or fried chicken and regardless of what I choose, fried chicken will still be served....to someone in my house!
While I will not do this perfectly and there will be times that I succumb to the temptations and decide the fried whatever is better than my vision, I am hopeful. (Feel free to remind me of what I am about to say later, because I am sure I will at some point start whining about how hard it is and how I don't want to keep going.) I am hopeful in this moment, that I really am being transformed. I really am becoming someone different as i keep going in this...and hopefully for the better. Transformation is not easy or pain free. It is the very pain in the process that can actually be a basis for hope of lasting change. The kind that brings new life. A kind of life worth living and not just surviving! Vision is what makes this time different...for me.
SO what about you? What is your vision? Why are you working to lose weight or change some other thing about yourself? Is it big enough, powerful enough to get you through the tough times?
Ultimately the reality is this. I AM living in Detroit. I will probably always want to be somewhere else, but for now, that would be plain old fantasy land! In GR, I have a place filled with relationships created based on what I wanted and needed, not on history or old beliefs. I didn't have 32 years of history and habits and actions/reactions to family. I didn't have as many negative automatic triggers that send me spiraling. More specifically, I didn't have temptations around in relative abundance. If I wanted chips or chocolate in GR, it had to be very intentional. I had to actually go to the store for it because it wasn't kept in the house. There was no "mindless eating".
Where am I going with this? I did have a point when I started this...really I did. Oh yes! This process of losing 200 + lbs is transformative. Life changing. There is NO WAY someone can lose that much weight and not be completely changed. In GR, this transformation process was easier, simply because of how my life was set up, who I had in my life, and how they stood with me on a daily basis. By no means was it easy...but it was easier. Now though is where the rubber meets the road. Now is where the transformation process gets painful. Now I get to really decide each day whether I am going to stick with this or am I going to cave because it is easier. I have to choose not between 2 healthy choices set before me, but rather...my healthy choice vs my old favorite food from childhood...like fried chicken or creamed chicken or fried pork chops. Now my choice for a different kind of life, a different way of relating to food, a different way of looking at fitness and health and exercise...now is when it gets real.
Transformation is hard my friends. Especially when transformation means becoming something completely different than you once were. Think caterpillar to butterfly. It takes energy, resolve, commitment, honesty, accountability, determination, perseverance...and it takes a vision. I have been to several leadership/character development workshops. At one, they talked about having a vision that will call you through the pain of transformation. (ahhh yes, I knew I had a point or two to this ramble!)
SO this week I have been thinking about MY vision. The one that is big enough in me that will pull me through the hard times, the tough choices, and hard conversations...to the new me. Is my vision just about wearing that cute yellow dress I talked about? OR the vision of me sky diving? When I think of the big picture, while those things are fun to think about and dream about...it is pretty doggone small...especially when pitted against a choice to go run in the remains of a cold Michigan winter.
I am not completely clear on what my vision fully encompasses. But here is what I do know. It is about choosing life. Scripture talks about a choice being set before us for life or death. We are urged to choose life, that we might live. I choose life! It is also about what kind of life I want to live. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to feel like a physical activity is not impossible for me. I want to feel confident and sexy. I want to be attracted to a guy and feel like I actually have a shot because my weight is not in the way. I want to get married....SOON! I want to feel attractive to my husband and not have my weight interfere in any part of our relationship, not emotionally, psychologically, or physically. I want a great sex life! HA! I said it! I don't want something mediocre in that! I want to have children. I want to be able to keep up with my children and not feel exhausted by them. I want to inspire and encourage others, not just to lose weight, but to be the best they can be...and part of me feels like how can I do that, if I am not being the best I can be? There is no ONE thing that I want that is big enough to pull me through the painful times....but there are a lot of pretty amazing things that added up...make a difference in my choices....These are the things I need to think on when my choice is grilled or fried chicken and regardless of what I choose, fried chicken will still be served....to someone in my house!
While I will not do this perfectly and there will be times that I succumb to the temptations and decide the fried whatever is better than my vision, I am hopeful. (Feel free to remind me of what I am about to say later, because I am sure I will at some point start whining about how hard it is and how I don't want to keep going.) I am hopeful in this moment, that I really am being transformed. I really am becoming someone different as i keep going in this...and hopefully for the better. Transformation is not easy or pain free. It is the very pain in the process that can actually be a basis for hope of lasting change. The kind that brings new life. A kind of life worth living and not just surviving! Vision is what makes this time different...for me.
SO what about you? What is your vision? Why are you working to lose weight or change some other thing about yourself? Is it big enough, powerful enough to get you through the tough times?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Wow, What a feeling!
ok so we all know, if you are a regular reader here, that I have lost 43.5 lbs. What you don't know is that I am still wearing my same clothes. When I wear my jeans I just belt'em up real good and my shirts are just baggy. My gym clothes...well who cares if they fit or not...as long as they are still staying up when I run that is all I care about. I do have some clothes in reserve from the last time I lost weight, but I have been kind of afraid to pull those out, just in case they don't fit yet.
Tonight, a friend and I were talking about weddings that are coming up and I was thinking that I would have to get some new clothes for sure by then. Wondering how much weight I can lose between now and June to look my absolute finest. My friend has some weight to lose, but less than I, so her clothes of course are smaller than mine...and she has some great dresses (although wrong color for me). I pulled out one of her dresses and tried it on tonight. Wow! What a feeling to put on a dress that is 3 sizes smaller than my last known for sure size...and have it fit....really well!!!
Doing a happy dance....but not a Zumba dance! :-) hehehehe HAHAHAHA HOHOHOHO HEHEHEHEH
Tonight, a friend and I were talking about weddings that are coming up and I was thinking that I would have to get some new clothes for sure by then. Wondering how much weight I can lose between now and June to look my absolute finest. My friend has some weight to lose, but less than I, so her clothes of course are smaller than mine...and she has some great dresses (although wrong color for me). I pulled out one of her dresses and tried it on tonight. Wow! What a feeling to put on a dress that is 3 sizes smaller than my last known for sure size...and have it fit....really well!!!
Doing a happy dance....but not a Zumba dance! :-) hehehehe HAHAHAHA HOHOHOHO HEHEHEHEH
Can you say Zumba?!
I am in no way shape or form a dancer. I have little coordination at this point and aerobics classes are a challenge in themselves to keep my feet moving in the right direction with the right timing. I do however have fun being silly on a dance floor at a good wedding or some other celebratory gathering. But a club dancer I am not. For one I just can't get into the whole bump n grind dancing that goes on there. Not now and I highly doubt that will change when I am skinny...except maybe with my husband of course :-) but certainly not in public.
With that said, I went with a friend to a Zumba class last night. I never thought I would do one of these classes given my lack of coordination mentioned above, but I will pretty much do anything for a friend. And this friend needed someone to go with her. I am hoping she will find something that will keep her moving in this direction that she really enjoys. Anyway, I digress. This class was actually fun! But not as difficult as 20/20/20 or 3-2-1.
It was quite comical. 10 Ladies in this tiny dance classroom, dancing to Latin and hip hop music in front of a big mirror. I kept up pretty good and when I had no idea what they were doing with their feet...something like heel, toe, tap tap switch feet...and again...I just moved my feet around as fast as possible and moved in the general direction that they did (so I didn't crash into anyone). Besides needing quick feet, we got to pretend we were riding a horse and swinging a lasso)that was the BEST!), we got to crump? I think that is what it is called, we got to do a small version of the macarena, and then there was what I call the gorilla dance. Yes, friends the gorilla dance. Stand with your legs wide and take wide steps forward forward back back and now swing your arms and bend over slightly...do this really fast! Then on to the butt dance. Legs hip distance apart, tighten the legs and shake the patutee so that your but jiggles and shakes really fast...now shimmy! On top of all that extreme hilarity then came the hip swings.
Yes my friends, I swing my hips, circled my hips, and even thrust my hips. Many times. Sometimes it was a kind of swing dance swinging. Then there was the squat lower and rotate/gyrate the hips. Other times it was a basic circling of the hips like hula hooping. And I think you know the definition of thrust! I felt like I was on a club dance floor except I wasn't being sandwiched by others. I was doing this line dance style. It was weird. Scandalous even!!! HAHA
All in all, I would do this with my friend if that is what it will take for her to go back or if it was offered for free at my gym, but I wouldn't pay special money for it. While it was fun, it wasn't a huge workout for me. But that is just me. This would however be a great class to take right before I get married...so I can learn to dance for my husband! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sorry Kenny, You might want to erase that from your memory!)
Until then, I will most definitely continue to enjoy my uncoordinated, off beat celebratory dancing at weddings and other such gatherings! Dang I got two of those coming up in June!! How much can I lose by then so I can look smoking!!!????
With that said, I went with a friend to a Zumba class last night. I never thought I would do one of these classes given my lack of coordination mentioned above, but I will pretty much do anything for a friend. And this friend needed someone to go with her. I am hoping she will find something that will keep her moving in this direction that she really enjoys. Anyway, I digress. This class was actually fun! But not as difficult as 20/20/20 or 3-2-1.
It was quite comical. 10 Ladies in this tiny dance classroom, dancing to Latin and hip hop music in front of a big mirror. I kept up pretty good and when I had no idea what they were doing with their feet...something like heel, toe, tap tap switch feet...and again...I just moved my feet around as fast as possible and moved in the general direction that they did (so I didn't crash into anyone). Besides needing quick feet, we got to pretend we were riding a horse and swinging a lasso)that was the BEST!), we got to crump? I think that is what it is called, we got to do a small version of the macarena, and then there was what I call the gorilla dance. Yes, friends the gorilla dance. Stand with your legs wide and take wide steps forward forward back back and now swing your arms and bend over slightly...do this really fast! Then on to the butt dance. Legs hip distance apart, tighten the legs and shake the patutee so that your but jiggles and shakes really fast...now shimmy! On top of all that extreme hilarity then came the hip swings.
Yes my friends, I swing my hips, circled my hips, and even thrust my hips. Many times. Sometimes it was a kind of swing dance swinging. Then there was the squat lower and rotate/gyrate the hips. Other times it was a basic circling of the hips like hula hooping. And I think you know the definition of thrust! I felt like I was on a club dance floor except I wasn't being sandwiched by others. I was doing this line dance style. It was weird. Scandalous even!!! HAHA
All in all, I would do this with my friend if that is what it will take for her to go back or if it was offered for free at my gym, but I wouldn't pay special money for it. While it was fun, it wasn't a huge workout for me. But that is just me. This would however be a great class to take right before I get married...so I can learn to dance for my husband! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sorry Kenny, You might want to erase that from your memory!)
Until then, I will most definitely continue to enjoy my uncoordinated, off beat celebratory dancing at weddings and other such gatherings! Dang I got two of those coming up in June!! How much can I lose by then so I can look smoking!!!????
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Quick Update, cuz I am TIRED!
I arrived in my beloved GR Thursday night. It has done my heart good to be here. I had no idea how much I needed to come for a visit and am so very glad I am here. I would like to say that I love this place simply for the people I love dearly here, but it isn't just that. Driving down the familiar roads and I just feel at home. Like this place is mine. I feel more alive here than anywhere else. IT is weird. The minute I crossed in to Kent County Thursday night I just felt better, more at peace, more in control, more at home.
Yesterday, I went for a run along a trail system we have here called Kent Trails. I have never been on these paths before since I wasn't exercising outside...in PUBLIC (GASP!) But since I am so over that, I went out. I initially thought I would run out 1 mile then back for a 2 mile run. But as I hit the 1 mile mark, I thought...you know I feel good, I can do another. During that first mile, I ran almost the whole way! I was so excited. I have never run so far. Is it common to build up so quickly? Or am I pushing myself to hard? The 2nd mile, I also ran almost the whole thing...and when I got to the next marker I looked at my pedometer and it said I had already gone 2.73 miles. WHAT??? But I thought it was 1 mile between street crossings! Guess not! So I turned around....and ran back....I did a bit more walking this time. Since I have NEVER run more than 2 miles, I had already exceeded that by a lot and with my actual running time being far more than ever before. My hips were getting tight and I could feel my right knee getting tight too. I ran about half of the way back in shorter intervals. Total mileage? 5.54 miles! WooHooo!!! So proud! I need to stop doing so well,lest this become the normal expectation! What if I don't feel like running 5 tomorrow? But because I know I can....I will have to...cuz I can't not do what I know I can....right?
Today, I did the final filming for my audition video. I needed a shirt that said that"I am kind of a big deal" because if you saw the equipment these guys brought in , you might have thought that a serious movie was taking place. I mean there was a dolly that the camera sat on with a camera guy manning it while someone else pulled or pushed it next to me while I ran. It was ridiculous overkill...but OH SO FUN! Even if I am not picked, I am gonna have one sweet video of myself! By the time we were done on the track and the treadmill I had run or walked over 4 miles. And on the treadmill, I pushed it to 7! Yeah I'll do anything for a camera!! :-) We moved on to the spin room where we got some extra special footage with Coach and Adam riding next to me! Not as much fun in here, but the footage will be worth it! I hope...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy! We ended the day in the pool where I learned my video guy thinks I don;t clown around. He doesn't know me very well. He has only known me under these circumstances where I am not in my most comfortable state! Ahhh for him to get to know me under normal circumstances! Needless to say I started clowning around a little in the water...flipping, doing handstands, and the like.
All in all, I am not allowed to see the footage. He is afraid I will eliminate possibilities if I see the footage in its raw state. Sooo I wait while he puts something together for my approval. I trust my video guy....I trust my video guy...I trust my....
Good night.....I started all that at 1 PM....I got done about 6:30 PM...I am tired!
Yesterday, I went for a run along a trail system we have here called Kent Trails. I have never been on these paths before since I wasn't exercising outside...in PUBLIC (GASP!) But since I am so over that, I went out. I initially thought I would run out 1 mile then back for a 2 mile run. But as I hit the 1 mile mark, I thought...you know I feel good, I can do another. During that first mile, I ran almost the whole way! I was so excited. I have never run so far. Is it common to build up so quickly? Or am I pushing myself to hard? The 2nd mile, I also ran almost the whole thing...and when I got to the next marker I looked at my pedometer and it said I had already gone 2.73 miles. WHAT??? But I thought it was 1 mile between street crossings! Guess not! So I turned around....and ran back....I did a bit more walking this time. Since I have NEVER run more than 2 miles, I had already exceeded that by a lot and with my actual running time being far more than ever before. My hips were getting tight and I could feel my right knee getting tight too. I ran about half of the way back in shorter intervals. Total mileage? 5.54 miles! WooHooo!!! So proud! I need to stop doing so well,lest this become the normal expectation! What if I don't feel like running 5 tomorrow? But because I know I can....I will have to...cuz I can't not do what I know I can....right?
Today, I did the final filming for my audition video. I needed a shirt that said that"I am kind of a big deal" because if you saw the equipment these guys brought in , you might have thought that a serious movie was taking place. I mean there was a dolly that the camera sat on with a camera guy manning it while someone else pulled or pushed it next to me while I ran. It was ridiculous overkill...but OH SO FUN! Even if I am not picked, I am gonna have one sweet video of myself! By the time we were done on the track and the treadmill I had run or walked over 4 miles. And on the treadmill, I pushed it to 7! Yeah I'll do anything for a camera!! :-) We moved on to the spin room where we got some extra special footage with Coach and Adam riding next to me! Not as much fun in here, but the footage will be worth it! I hope...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy! We ended the day in the pool where I learned my video guy thinks I don;t clown around. He doesn't know me very well. He has only known me under these circumstances where I am not in my most comfortable state! Ahhh for him to get to know me under normal circumstances! Needless to say I started clowning around a little in the water...flipping, doing handstands, and the like.
All in all, I am not allowed to see the footage. He is afraid I will eliminate possibilities if I see the footage in its raw state. Sooo I wait while he puts something together for my approval. I trust my video guy....I trust my video guy...I trust my....
Good night.....I started all that at 1 PM....I got done about 6:30 PM...I am tired!
Friday, March 6, 2009
A rough "journal" entry
First bit of news. I am in a happy place (physically). I am HOME in GR for a few days! So refreshing..now if all my people would come home from work, so I can see them all will be perfect!
Second thing: This blog is first and foremost for me. It is my version of a journal. I can't seem to stay committed to writing in a journal for more than a week, but I can here...don't know what that is all about but it just means that at times you are gonna get something that is a bit raw and unpolished and I refuse to edit it to make it nice! (this was added post writing!)
Now on to the rest of this blog entry.
I tend to be a head person. I figure things out in my head first and by the time it comes out of my mouth (or fingertips) it is very well packaged with the struggle and the answer to the struggle. Part of this is a "look good and put together" mentality, part is just who I am, and part is a way to talk my way through something and maybe if I have the right answer, the right behavior will follow. Regardless of the motivation for it though, this does not serve me well, not emotionally anyway. (By the way, this happens so fast, I don't even realize I am doing it, and is often subconscious. I can't stop it from happening, but I can add to it!)
For years, I had been what I call emotionally bankrupt. I would feel the extreme emotions (about once a month :-) or happiness, but the everyday little disappointments or sadness or anger just was not there for me. I wasn't depressed, I was just "good" or "fine". IN the past 2 years I sought counseling on this and came to know that my emotional health and my ability to feel my emotions ties DIRECTLY to my weight loss. When I am fully connected and present in what is real for me I am better able to manage my eating and even my exercise. This whole emotional connectedness really took off in my last 6 months in GR. I was experiencing emotions all the time! I felt a little crazy at times! Crying one minute but full of true laughter and joy the next! Emotions were not all consuming as I once thought...they just were. IT was a good thing.
The other day, I was talking to Coach about an email I sent him re: some hard conversations I had with mom about my weight loss journey and the hurtful things she says and does at times. I reported the facts, relayed the conversations and ended the email. While the conversations were uncomfortable, I was fine! I was good! The next day while chatting Coach asked me. "So how ya holding up?"
I wanted to say that I was good or fine, except that suddenly my eyeballs were filled with a salty water like substance and I could no longer see my computer to say anything. I realized I wasn't sure exactly how I was but fine or good did not fit. Coach pointed out that is my body telling me that my heart was hurting. GO figure! What struck me though was that 1 month back at home and I was already back to numbing out my feelings and living in a state of fine-ness. I wasn't connected to the emotional reality of those conversations or to how I was really doing in my new home. It took so long to get plugged in to those emotions and one change (although a BIG one) and I am unplugged so quickly!
I don't want to be FINE! I want to be great! fabulous! I want to experience all the emotions again. I want to be able to write what is really going on for me and not the packaged stuff that has been of late. Not that what I have written has been untrue...it just hasn't been fully true, because I didn't realize what was going on.
I was and am still trying to adjust. Figure out my routine. And in a way who I am as a 32 yr old woman living in her mother's house? Am I adult or child? (feels like child at times) It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what I should be doing. And I am great at self talk. You know the stuff that sounds like "I can do this!" "I am doing this!" "This time is different!"
While these statements are true, the other truth is this. I am terrified and feel very alone in this in my new place. I keep thinking, if I can just make it to 75 lbs then I will have lost more than ever at one time and maybe, just maybe, then something will stick and I will be able to keep going.
Coach asked me how all of this (the conversations and the fact that I realized I wasn't feeling things again) were impacting my food/exercise. I wish I could easily say that it wasn't...at least not yet. But if I look at it really, sure I have still been counting my calories and if anything have been under eating, but the quality of what I have been eating has not been so good. Eating for comfort again has most likely been happening because all my old comfort foods are around and readily available, this time I just count them. But that doesn't allow me to feel whatever is going on. And this journey is NOT just about being physically healthy. It is also about being emotionally healthy and spiritually healthy. If I am really honest, if I had to choose between physical or emotional health. I will take teh emotional health anyday. I would rather feel everything and be fat than feel nothing and be thin.
It has certainly affected my motivation to fight to get to the gym when I just don't want to. In GR, it just wasn't an option to not go. Granted many times, I could call or text someone to coordinate a time to go together, but there were plenty of times that I had to choose to go myself and then to stay there the entire time, actually working!
So here is the recap of my crazy off the cuff journal entry above....My heart hurts. Everything else is self talk.
Second thing: This blog is first and foremost for me. It is my version of a journal. I can't seem to stay committed to writing in a journal for more than a week, but I can here...don't know what that is all about but it just means that at times you are gonna get something that is a bit raw and unpolished and I refuse to edit it to make it nice! (this was added post writing!)
Now on to the rest of this blog entry.
I tend to be a head person. I figure things out in my head first and by the time it comes out of my mouth (or fingertips) it is very well packaged with the struggle and the answer to the struggle. Part of this is a "look good and put together" mentality, part is just who I am, and part is a way to talk my way through something and maybe if I have the right answer, the right behavior will follow. Regardless of the motivation for it though, this does not serve me well, not emotionally anyway. (By the way, this happens so fast, I don't even realize I am doing it, and is often subconscious. I can't stop it from happening, but I can add to it!)
For years, I had been what I call emotionally bankrupt. I would feel the extreme emotions (about once a month :-) or happiness, but the everyday little disappointments or sadness or anger just was not there for me. I wasn't depressed, I was just "good" or "fine". IN the past 2 years I sought counseling on this and came to know that my emotional health and my ability to feel my emotions ties DIRECTLY to my weight loss. When I am fully connected and present in what is real for me I am better able to manage my eating and even my exercise. This whole emotional connectedness really took off in my last 6 months in GR. I was experiencing emotions all the time! I felt a little crazy at times! Crying one minute but full of true laughter and joy the next! Emotions were not all consuming as I once thought...they just were. IT was a good thing.
The other day, I was talking to Coach about an email I sent him re: some hard conversations I had with mom about my weight loss journey and the hurtful things she says and does at times. I reported the facts, relayed the conversations and ended the email. While the conversations were uncomfortable, I was fine! I was good! The next day while chatting Coach asked me. "So how ya holding up?"
I wanted to say that I was good or fine, except that suddenly my eyeballs were filled with a salty water like substance and I could no longer see my computer to say anything. I realized I wasn't sure exactly how I was but fine or good did not fit. Coach pointed out that is my body telling me that my heart was hurting. GO figure! What struck me though was that 1 month back at home and I was already back to numbing out my feelings and living in a state of fine-ness. I wasn't connected to the emotional reality of those conversations or to how I was really doing in my new home. It took so long to get plugged in to those emotions and one change (although a BIG one) and I am unplugged so quickly!
I don't want to be FINE! I want to be great! fabulous! I want to experience all the emotions again. I want to be able to write what is really going on for me and not the packaged stuff that has been of late. Not that what I have written has been untrue...it just hasn't been fully true, because I didn't realize what was going on.
I was and am still trying to adjust. Figure out my routine. And in a way who I am as a 32 yr old woman living in her mother's house? Am I adult or child? (feels like child at times) It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what I should be doing. And I am great at self talk. You know the stuff that sounds like "I can do this!" "I am doing this!" "This time is different!"
While these statements are true, the other truth is this. I am terrified and feel very alone in this in my new place. I keep thinking, if I can just make it to 75 lbs then I will have lost more than ever at one time and maybe, just maybe, then something will stick and I will be able to keep going.
Coach asked me how all of this (the conversations and the fact that I realized I wasn't feeling things again) were impacting my food/exercise. I wish I could easily say that it wasn't...at least not yet. But if I look at it really, sure I have still been counting my calories and if anything have been under eating, but the quality of what I have been eating has not been so good. Eating for comfort again has most likely been happening because all my old comfort foods are around and readily available, this time I just count them. But that doesn't allow me to feel whatever is going on. And this journey is NOT just about being physically healthy. It is also about being emotionally healthy and spiritually healthy. If I am really honest, if I had to choose between physical or emotional health. I will take teh emotional health anyday. I would rather feel everything and be fat than feel nothing and be thin.
It has certainly affected my motivation to fight to get to the gym when I just don't want to. In GR, it just wasn't an option to not go. Granted many times, I could call or text someone to coordinate a time to go together, but there were plenty of times that I had to choose to go myself and then to stay there the entire time, actually working!
So here is the recap of my crazy off the cuff journal entry above....My heart hurts. Everything else is self talk.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
9 weeks...barely!
I lost a half a pound this week. I have officially made 9 weeks in a row of losses. I have to admit though that this is coming a bit close to the no gain/no loss or worse...a gain week for my liking! I also know that I did not work for anything more either which is what is more disappointing than anything else. If I had lost a half pound but knew I had done my best, I THINK that would leave me with a better feeling...but that is all speculation of course because that is not the case!
I have not been to the gym since last Thursday. I wish I could simply say I was too busy. Which I was, but in the last 3 months, being busy has not been an excuse to not be at the gym. I worked it into my schedule. I made it a priority. I have not done that this last part of this past week. It was easier to let it slide than figure out how to make it happen when the gym was not nearby or easily accessible.
I did have a hard time tracking calories..particularly on Saturday and Sunday when others were cooking for me and when I was standing in line for 9 hours...but I really don't think I went over calories. If anything I was far far FAR under calories...which can be just as bad as over eating. It was not intentional to under eat, but I was not intentional in my planning for my eating for this weekend.
So that is my weigh in and the things that contributed to it.
In other things...for those of you who like graphs and charts and spreadsheets and things of that nature....here is a graph of my weight loss progress since the beginning of the year. I didn't know my tracker would create this graph for me until then which is why I don't have more data all the way back to September. (Gosh I hope this works....enjoy!)
My Weight Chart:
I love that it is looking kind of ski slopish...ok bunny hill...but still!!! :-)
I have not been to the gym since last Thursday. I wish I could simply say I was too busy. Which I was, but in the last 3 months, being busy has not been an excuse to not be at the gym. I worked it into my schedule. I made it a priority. I have not done that this last part of this past week. It was easier to let it slide than figure out how to make it happen when the gym was not nearby or easily accessible.
I did have a hard time tracking calories..particularly on Saturday and Sunday when others were cooking for me and when I was standing in line for 9 hours...but I really don't think I went over calories. If anything I was far far FAR under calories...which can be just as bad as over eating. It was not intentional to under eat, but I was not intentional in my planning for my eating for this weekend.
So that is my weigh in and the things that contributed to it.
In other things...for those of you who like graphs and charts and spreadsheets and things of that nature....here is a graph of my weight loss progress since the beginning of the year. I didn't know my tracker would create this graph for me until then which is why I don't have more data all the way back to September. (Gosh I hope this works....enjoy!)
My Weight Chart:
I love that it is looking kind of ski slopish...ok bunny hill...but still!!! :-)
Monday, March 2, 2009
All right!! All Right!! Already!
I have gotten enough comments/emails about my ticker and how it appears to be inaccurate that I have finally taken the time to change it....again. I especially get the emails after writing that I have lost 43 LBS, but my ticker shows 27. (or any other time I write about the amount I have lost!) Those that are new to the blog and don't feel like reading back or don't remember...I had 2 tickers for two different scales. I didn't want to forget that I had lost 16 LBS on the one scale so I left it there.
In reality, to have one ticker that is accurately reflecting what I have lost, required adding both losses to my current weight to get my more accurate starting weight. THAT my friends is what I didn't want to do.
Yes I am all about living in reality and owning what is true and all that other stuff I have talked about...and while I am all about it, I am still human. I am not perfect and frankly I did not want to OWN that I really started at 356 LBS and that THAT has been my highest weight ever! I did not want to put THAT out there so blatantly. However, if you all did your own math in your heads...you would be able to figure that out...and that was somehow ok with me.
SO now you have it! I still shy away from the hard core truth at times. I still try like hell to live in fantasy land at times. But eventually, the truth always comes out, someway somehow. Now you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in September 2008, I weighed 356 LBS! Not such a nice number to have displayed out there...but nice is not always true now is it?
Tomorrow, I found out if I lost again...can I make it 9 weeks of losses in a row?
I have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring on the scale. But I do know that it will bring me right back to the track or the gym or any other place that will allow me to exercise outside of the bitter cold of this lingering Michigan winter!
For those curious about Saturday...unfortunately, I will not be blogging about the casting process other than to say that I am proud of the way I carried myself, presented myself and how I felt it was received by the casting director. I will say that at this time I have NOT received a call back. Regardless of that fact, it still went well because I was myself!
In reality, to have one ticker that is accurately reflecting what I have lost, required adding both losses to my current weight to get my more accurate starting weight. THAT my friends is what I didn't want to do.
Yes I am all about living in reality and owning what is true and all that other stuff I have talked about...and while I am all about it, I am still human. I am not perfect and frankly I did not want to OWN that I really started at 356 LBS and that THAT has been my highest weight ever! I did not want to put THAT out there so blatantly. However, if you all did your own math in your heads...you would be able to figure that out...and that was somehow ok with me.
SO now you have it! I still shy away from the hard core truth at times. I still try like hell to live in fantasy land at times. But eventually, the truth always comes out, someway somehow. Now you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in September 2008, I weighed 356 LBS! Not such a nice number to have displayed out there...but nice is not always true now is it?
Tomorrow, I found out if I lost again...can I make it 9 weeks of losses in a row?
I have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring on the scale. But I do know that it will bring me right back to the track or the gym or any other place that will allow me to exercise outside of the bitter cold of this lingering Michigan winter!
For those curious about Saturday...unfortunately, I will not be blogging about the casting process other than to say that I am proud of the way I carried myself, presented myself and how I felt it was received by the casting director. I will say that at this time I have NOT received a call back. Regardless of that fact, it still went well because I was myself!
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