I was just re-reading my very first post tonight, thinking about how when I first started this, I was anticipating a whole lot of struggle and very little success. But as I look back over the last 3 months, I have had more successes than failures. I haven't always lost the pounds each week, but I handled it in a more healthy manner. I didn't give up. I am still going.
Then I thought about today, and how in the morning, I did a Pilates class, then tonight I went and did a Spin class then swam. I have been slowly increasing the duration, intensity, and frequency of my workouts. It has been cool to see the progress and regardless of what is showing up on the scale, the results are beginning to show in my clothes. Which means, people are going to start noticing a difference. Truthfully they already have, but I didn't believe them because I didn't notice a difference in how my clothes fit.
In the past, when people start noticing, I have fallen off the wagon and begun to move in the opposite direction of where I want to go. This usually begins to happen sometime shortly after the 3rd month of whatever "program" I am doing. I am taking stock. I am beyond the 3rd month of my program(whatever that is). People are noticing my "ever shrinking ass". My clothes fit different. So I am wondering will history repeat itself once again? Or have the changes I think I have been making physically, emotionally, and spiritually really taken root in me such that history does not have to repeat itself?
I hope so and yet there is a part of me that is anticipating a crash. There is a voice in my head that was once really loud. This voice has been quiet for a while now...until tonight. Tonight, it has been a quiet whisper of doubt and fear, telling me I don't have what it takes for long term achievement. That I can do anything short term, but long term is not my game. I am not buying into this lie...not fully. I am just putting it out there...into the light, lest it take root and strangle the new life growing in me.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
More than gloves and hats!
Just a funny story, that I woke up laughing about!
Yesterday, West Michigan got ridiculous amounts of snow dumped on us from heaven above. And while most people would think, it is crazy to go out in this mess....I went. I had things to do. Getting back home was a problem though. The snow plows had come through on the cross streets leaving the entrance to my street blocked. So instead I went to a friends house. He has a HUGE driveway that needed to be shoveled/snow blown so that his roommates could come home. So while he is snow blowing, I of course offer to help despite being in a suit as I had just come from an interview.
This nameless friend says to me ( who happens to NOT have weight issues), "Hey Kim, I might have an extra pair of snow pants you could wear."
Me: Uuummm yeah right! Friend, your pants will NOT fit me!
Friend: Well, you don't know that, I have some pretty big snow pants.
Me: Friend, I appreciate you and the offer so much but I can assure you that there is no way that your BIGGEST pants would fit me and honestly it would be way too embarrassing for me to even try and find out.
Now throughout this conversation, I am laughing. This friend knows me...he knows I have been losing weight, and he knows some of my struggle. In the past I might have been mortified about this conversation, but I was just greatly amused. It is clear to me....that my friends, or at least he, does not see my weight first and me second...they/he just sees ME.
All of this makes me realize a new goal....I want to be able to borrow a pair of snow pants in a pinch if necessary and not just the hats and gloves that he has in a basket in his house.
Yesterday, West Michigan got ridiculous amounts of snow dumped on us from heaven above. And while most people would think, it is crazy to go out in this mess....I went. I had things to do. Getting back home was a problem though. The snow plows had come through on the cross streets leaving the entrance to my street blocked. So instead I went to a friends house. He has a HUGE driveway that needed to be shoveled/snow blown so that his roommates could come home. So while he is snow blowing, I of course offer to help despite being in a suit as I had just come from an interview.
This nameless friend says to me ( who happens to NOT have weight issues), "Hey Kim, I might have an extra pair of snow pants you could wear."
Me: Uuummm yeah right! Friend, your pants will NOT fit me!
Friend: Well, you don't know that, I have some pretty big snow pants.
Me: Friend, I appreciate you and the offer so much but I can assure you that there is no way that your BIGGEST pants would fit me and honestly it would be way too embarrassing for me to even try and find out.
Now throughout this conversation, I am laughing. This friend knows me...he knows I have been losing weight, and he knows some of my struggle. In the past I might have been mortified about this conversation, but I was just greatly amused. It is clear to me....that my friends, or at least he, does not see my weight first and me second...they/he just sees ME.
All of this makes me realize a new goal....I want to be able to borrow a pair of snow pants in a pinch if necessary and not just the hats and gloves that he has in a basket in his house.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tis true, miracles never cease!
Is it possible that addiction can be good? For the last few weeks, I have been on a good streak of eating and exercise. I have never been one to like exercise for the sake of exercise and typically going to the gym is pure drudgery. I have never liked it, for a few reasons. Insecurity is one. Going to a place where I know that the majority of the people there will be fit and definitely more healthy than I is not so easy. I wonder what all these fit people must think of me, ME! being there. Then the comparisons start in my head. This is a cycle that must be controlled vigilantly lest it truly get the best of me. Incompetence has been another reason that makes me hate the gym. There are so many contraptions there that work muscles that I don't think I have at all! I mean it is enough that I have the major muscle groups (in limited supply of course -at least right now). But come on...do I really need to work that tiny tiny muscle that supposedly lives under my rib cage? I of course know that the gym offers an orientation for people such as myself to show me how to use the stuff, but that would mean I have to actually ADMIT I don't know, out loud, to one of those fit people mentioned above and then seriously battle those same insecurity issues above. Pain has also kept me away. I don't like to hurt...and I certainly don't like to do things that actually cause pain. I don't think I am crazy in this though.
Despite all this that has kept me away in the past...I have been pretty diligent about going to the gym daily. It helps to have people to go with me on the days I really don't want to go, but I also have to go by myself quite often. During my time I have lurked around some contraptions, and learned by secretly observing others, how to use a few of the machines. I have spent many hours on a treadmill, continuously increasing my speed each week and stretching myself and have even taken a few group classes. To my utter amazement, I have actually come to enjoy the gym. I look forward to going and have even turned down or showed up late to social activities with friends so that I could go to the gym.
This week, while being back in Detroit for a few days, I have found myself longing for the gym. At one point I thought these kind of longings were for other people, but not me. But I do. I am feigning for a good workout and the firm knowledge that I have burned a lot of calories. And I am actually considering NOT going to TN with my brother because it would mean leaving my precious gym for another week! Who knew it would ever come to this!!
While I have come far in this journey...I still feel insecure at times(fortunately IF my fellow gym mates wonder what I am doing there, they keep those thoughts to themselves) and definitely incompetent (lurking and learning helps) and pain too(don't ask me about Pilates). But so far my vision of a wholly healthy me has been enough to propel me forward. Inch by inch I am making progress, literally and figuratively.
Despite all this that has kept me away in the past...I have been pretty diligent about going to the gym daily. It helps to have people to go with me on the days I really don't want to go, but I also have to go by myself quite often. During my time I have lurked around some contraptions, and learned by secretly observing others, how to use a few of the machines. I have spent many hours on a treadmill, continuously increasing my speed each week and stretching myself and have even taken a few group classes. To my utter amazement, I have actually come to enjoy the gym. I look forward to going and have even turned down or showed up late to social activities with friends so that I could go to the gym.
This week, while being back in Detroit for a few days, I have found myself longing for the gym. At one point I thought these kind of longings were for other people, but not me. But I do. I am feigning for a good workout and the firm knowledge that I have burned a lot of calories. And I am actually considering NOT going to TN with my brother because it would mean leaving my precious gym for another week! Who knew it would ever come to this!!
While I have come far in this journey...I still feel insecure at times(fortunately IF my fellow gym mates wonder what I am doing there, they keep those thoughts to themselves) and definitely incompetent (lurking and learning helps) and pain too(don't ask me about Pilates). But so far my vision of a wholly healthy me has been enough to propel me forward. Inch by inch I am making progress, literally and figuratively.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
22 LBS of Knowledge
While watching the Biggest Loser last night, Bob was concerned that one of the contestants would gain all of her weight back because she didn't seem to learn anything besides the exercise and nutrition piece. He was wanting to see what she had learned about herself, her triggers, her motivations, etc. So of course I have been recommitted to this whole "get healthy" thing for about 12 weeks now. I have had gains and losses, victories and disappointments. I thought I would have lost 30 LBS by now for sure and certainly thought it would be easier.
I have known on a superficial level that this journey of health is not just about my weight. In the last 12 weeks I have come to KNOW that it is also about my spiritual health, my emotional health, and my relational health as well. If those things are not in balance, how can I expect to control my food and exercise? So what have I learned?
Spiritual Health- Focusing on Physical Health while taking a class about Healing from Sexual Abuse certainly triggers the spiritual side of things. Never before have I experienced more anger towards God. Never before have I felt such extreme swings of emotion and feeling, and have been able to actually identify what I am feeling. I have never had to fight so hard to stay true to the One I know to be true. And never before have I experienced such tender grace and mercy. I wrote before about how God seemed to have moved in with me in a physical way. He still has not left. I now know that God will never leave me or forsake me. This is no longer a nice platitude given to encourage the downtrodden. I know because in my moments of deepest shame and pain and fear and anger...He moved in closer. Everything is still not all worked out with me and God. But we are in honest communication about it.
Emotional Health- I have been working for over a year with a counselor on identifying my feelings and staying out of my logical head when things are going on for me. I can be a master at justifying a certain feeling or minimizing it based on circumstances. While this has been on-going work, I have begun to see the fruits during this last 12 weeks while looking at my abuse story and trying to lose weight...For an emotional eater this is like sending me into a minefield! But I have seen so many victories where I have learned to identify and FEEL the emotion that is present and NOT go to food for comfort. There have been times where I have, but the majority of the time has been spent in victory. I have experienced more tears, more anger, more joy, more sorrow, more shame, more beauty in the last 12 weeks than in the last 3 years. Before I could count on 1 hand how many times I had really cried. Now I cannot even count how many times I have cried.
Relational Health- In my past I have been quite good at cutting people out of my life and making it look so natural. I have been challenged countless times in my past about inviting people in and having been living in such deep shame, I was unwilling to do so. While I have many many many friends who would love to support me in my health journey and in my abuse journey, I have come to value the intimacy of a few for these parts of my life. All of my relationships don't need to be in on ALL of what is real for me ALL of the time. I recognize my power to pick and choose. Jesus chose a few to be with him in Gethsamanee when he was feeling the most vulnerable and the most heart sick. I also know that my story can be used to motivate and encourage others. So although I have a few who know they have full access to anything they want to know...there will be times others will be let in to these parts for a purpose.
Physical Health- I have lost 22 LBS. I am in a good place of regular exercise and healthy eating. The key for me (at least at this point) is to not make it a big deal. It is not a huge part of my conversations, although it is present...particularly with those few. And of course it is a huge part of this blog...but the blog is more for me than anyone else.
I have known on a superficial level that this journey of health is not just about my weight. In the last 12 weeks I have come to KNOW that it is also about my spiritual health, my emotional health, and my relational health as well. If those things are not in balance, how can I expect to control my food and exercise? So what have I learned?
Spiritual Health- Focusing on Physical Health while taking a class about Healing from Sexual Abuse certainly triggers the spiritual side of things. Never before have I experienced more anger towards God. Never before have I felt such extreme swings of emotion and feeling, and have been able to actually identify what I am feeling. I have never had to fight so hard to stay true to the One I know to be true. And never before have I experienced such tender grace and mercy. I wrote before about how God seemed to have moved in with me in a physical way. He still has not left. I now know that God will never leave me or forsake me. This is no longer a nice platitude given to encourage the downtrodden. I know because in my moments of deepest shame and pain and fear and anger...He moved in closer. Everything is still not all worked out with me and God. But we are in honest communication about it.
Emotional Health- I have been working for over a year with a counselor on identifying my feelings and staying out of my logical head when things are going on for me. I can be a master at justifying a certain feeling or minimizing it based on circumstances. While this has been on-going work, I have begun to see the fruits during this last 12 weeks while looking at my abuse story and trying to lose weight...For an emotional eater this is like sending me into a minefield! But I have seen so many victories where I have learned to identify and FEEL the emotion that is present and NOT go to food for comfort. There have been times where I have, but the majority of the time has been spent in victory. I have experienced more tears, more anger, more joy, more sorrow, more shame, more beauty in the last 12 weeks than in the last 3 years. Before I could count on 1 hand how many times I had really cried. Now I cannot even count how many times I have cried.
Relational Health- In my past I have been quite good at cutting people out of my life and making it look so natural. I have been challenged countless times in my past about inviting people in and having been living in such deep shame, I was unwilling to do so. While I have many many many friends who would love to support me in my health journey and in my abuse journey, I have come to value the intimacy of a few for these parts of my life. All of my relationships don't need to be in on ALL of what is real for me ALL of the time. I recognize my power to pick and choose. Jesus chose a few to be with him in Gethsamanee when he was feeling the most vulnerable and the most heart sick. I also know that my story can be used to motivate and encourage others. So although I have a few who know they have full access to anything they want to know...there will be times others will be let in to these parts for a purpose.
Physical Health- I have lost 22 LBS. I am in a good place of regular exercise and healthy eating. The key for me (at least at this point) is to not make it a big deal. It is not a huge part of my conversations, although it is present...particularly with those few. And of course it is a huge part of this blog...but the blog is more for me than anyone else.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Self-Talk
Yesterday as I was thinking about my Saturday, I realized I had one time slot in which I could work out, which was the morning. However, I stayed out waaaayy too late and actually ended up not crawling into bed until 6:30 AM after taking my roommate to the airport then deciding to get my grocery shopping done. I crawled into bed and decided that 11 AM was my designated time slot to work out regardless of whether or not Mike called to say he was going or not, which would give me almost 5 hours of sleep.
11 AM came and I did NOT want to go. I did not want to even open my eyes. I thought, who can I get to go with me so that I would be motivated or at the very least, I wouldn't let someone else down. Laurie-couldn't, Mike-hadn't called me back yet, assume he can't go in the AM, Adam-won't/can't go in the mornings, Aaron-probably still sick, Virg-out of town....the list goes on.
As I pondered who might want to go to the gym, battling the horrible roads...and who would be up for going RIGHT NOW, this thought came to me. "How come it is ok to let myself down and break a commitment to myself, but not to others?" How come I am not getting my but out of bed with urgency and focus simply because I said to myself last night that I was going to the gym today? Why do I need a commitment to someone else to propel my ass out of bed to go to the gym?
Then I pondered going and doing just enough to say I went. Well after my previous thoughts, half assing it just wasn't going to work for me. Either I was going and going all in, ready to burn some calories...or I wasn't going to go. Simple as that. I had a choice to make. Am I important enough to myself to keep commitments to myself about the things I want regardless of if anyone else is involved or not? Who knew that a decision to go to the gym or not on a really cold snowy morning with little sleep would turn into such a huge deal!! (and all of these thoughts happened in the first 30 minutes of my first attempt to open my eyes...this is kind of like a miracle...ask my brother!)
Soooo Victorious! Perhaps I am getting one decision closer to a wholly healthy ME! Now THAT my friends is Beautiful!!
11 AM came and I did NOT want to go. I did not want to even open my eyes. I thought, who can I get to go with me so that I would be motivated or at the very least, I wouldn't let someone else down. Laurie-couldn't, Mike-hadn't called me back yet, assume he can't go in the AM, Adam-won't/can't go in the mornings, Aaron-probably still sick, Virg-out of town....the list goes on.
As I pondered who might want to go to the gym, battling the horrible roads...and who would be up for going RIGHT NOW, this thought came to me. "How come it is ok to let myself down and break a commitment to myself, but not to others?" How come I am not getting my but out of bed with urgency and focus simply because I said to myself last night that I was going to the gym today? Why do I need a commitment to someone else to propel my ass out of bed to go to the gym?
Then I pondered going and doing just enough to say I went. Well after my previous thoughts, half assing it just wasn't going to work for me. Either I was going and going all in, ready to burn some calories...or I wasn't going to go. Simple as that. I had a choice to make. Am I important enough to myself to keep commitments to myself about the things I want regardless of if anyone else is involved or not? Who knew that a decision to go to the gym or not on a really cold snowy morning with little sleep would turn into such a huge deal!! (and all of these thoughts happened in the first 30 minutes of my first attempt to open my eyes...this is kind of like a miracle...ask my brother!)
I went.
Soooo Victorious! Perhaps I am getting one decision closer to a wholly healthy ME! Now THAT my friends is Beautiful!!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
In case you are wondering...
I now have 2 tickers on my sidebar. My gym where I weigh myself got a new scale. It is supposedly more accurate. I don't like the new numbers, but I have decided to roll with it. However, I do not want to forget that I really did lose 16 lbs. I am proud of them as they were hard won battles. So instead of deleting the old one, I just created a new one with the new scale numbers on it.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Home is Where...
I feel most loved.
Most accepted.
Most challenged.
Safest.
Where I feel enCOURAGEd.
Where I feel the most able and willing to take risks.
It is not always a physical place.
It is where when I need a hug, I don't even need to ask, because it is already given.
It is where when I don't want to be alone, I am not.
It is where I am listened to, and heard.
It is where I can be the most vulnerable.
It is where I can be the most afraid and the least afraid at the same time.
It is where the people around me know me better than I know myself and are not willing to let me settle for less than the best.
Home is where the people around me ask the hard questions and don't let me squirm away from the answers.
It is where I feel like I really CAN do anything because those around me believe I can.
It is where I am stretched beyond myself.
It is where I can be silly. Where I can laugh until I pass out and know that I am being laughed with and not at.
It is where help is just a phone call away.
It is where I feel beautiful, talented, fabulous, gorgeous.
It is where I feel most alive.
It is where I am known.
It is where even my unspoken words are heard louder than my spoken ones.
Home is the closest thing to Heaven on earth and the only place I want to be...
and I may have to leave it soon...and my heart breaks.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Unfounded Fears
It has been an interesting and challenging week and a half since my last 1lb gain. From the day that I found I gained 1 lb through that first Sat, I lost 3 lbs by very carefully counting my calories, discovering that I don't eat ENOUGH, and meticulously logging my time at the gym. I was ecstatic as I was on track for a 4-5 lb loss for the week, which would have been amazing!
On Sunday, I found out that I really needed to go home for a few days to help with my nieces and nephews while their mom and dad spent much time at the hospital with their oldest, Gavin. I was gone from Sunday night until Thursday afternoon, staying with 5 young children, and pretty much becoming a single mom overnight! It was a lot of work and after having a week of feeling really good about my eating and exercising, I had no idea how I was going to keep it up while at home. I felt very out of control of my environment, my time, the food that was available to me (their church was bringing in meals), or my ability to exercise. My drive home was full of anxiety as I worried about Gavin and worried about how I was going to choose to be successful in this and not resigned to failure.
On Monday after my first full day with the kids. This is what my schedule looked like.
6 AM Wake up to some child needing to "go potty" or wanting to be fed.
6:30 AM all the kids are awake by now and demanding to be fed, changed, dressed, or something
7:30 they want a snack
Pretty much the whole day was spent, preparing food for meals or snacks, cleaning up from meals or snacks, or trying to figure out the caloric count in foods that are brought in for us that I have no idea what is in them...Since I had little idea, I went for eating small amounts of things or eating fruit (which doesn't stay with you long-therefore feeling like I had been eating all day! Then on top of that feeling like, how in the world do you fit in exercise when you have 5 kids hanging on you all day and no stroller to fit them all.
SO here is what I did. I took control. I called my brother Ken and asked him to come sit with the kids for a bit so I could go out for a walk/run. Thankfully, he has been reading my blog (Yes Ken, I know you came back :-) I have a handy tracker :-) and therefore he knows what I have been up to and he came to my rescue. Thank You Kenny! So, I was able to go for a mile walk/run and it felt good. Not that I like exercise yet, but it felt good to feel like I had some control over my circumstances and that despite what looked like might turn out to be a bad ending to a great week, I was able to end it well.
On Tuesday, I went and found a scale to weigh in on. I do NOT recommend weighing in on a scale different than the one you have been on. I got on and it said I had gained 13 lbs since Saturday! Now in reality, I may have eaten a few extra calories on Monday, and may not have burned as many calories as I have been burning at the gym during my run walk, however in order to have gained 13 lbs I would have had to consume 45, 500 calories in a day and a half and not burned anything! I laughed at this scale, walked out and said...until I get back home I am considering my Saturday weight to be my weight for today!
Thursday and Friday was crazy busy and so today I went back to the gym, and weighed myself...I am on track. But since today is not my normal weigh in day, you will have to wait until Tues to find out where I am.
I didn't get to work out after that first workout on Monday, but it is not like I was sitting around either. 5 Kids under the age of 4 is a LOT of work and you move a lot taking care of just there actual physical needs. I must have gone up and down the stairs at least 30 times each day. Then there is all the toe touches as I picked up toys from the floor each day! Then there is carrying the 25 lbs of 1 yr old around each day! And that is just the work of it. That does not include all the playing, wrestling, and dancing with the princes and princesses at the balls we had!
All in all there were lots of victories this week. The biggest being that my fear that being home means inevitable failure or back tracking or gains or whatever you want to call it, does not have to be true! I decide. I am in control. I can win this war!
Now for a cute kid story since I spent the week with them. All of the kids love to play dress up. Their favorite is to be prince and princesses with the beautiful gowns and whatever clothes Garrett determines are the best for a prince to wear! While in costume, they are really in character. And of course all fairy tales that involve princes and princesses also include an evil witch. That role always falls to whatever adult is around. AKA Me. Emma, the 2 yr old princess wanted an orange peeled. After asking nicely to have one and I began peeling it for her, she looks at me and say "Do it _itch, Do it" Ummm "Excuse Me?" The princess says, "I saaiiiiddd, Do it _itch, Do it!!" Yeah she was calling me WITCH! She was still in character! It did NOT sound like WITCH!! Gotta love these kids!
On Sunday, I found out that I really needed to go home for a few days to help with my nieces and nephews while their mom and dad spent much time at the hospital with their oldest, Gavin. I was gone from Sunday night until Thursday afternoon, staying with 5 young children, and pretty much becoming a single mom overnight! It was a lot of work and after having a week of feeling really good about my eating and exercising, I had no idea how I was going to keep it up while at home. I felt very out of control of my environment, my time, the food that was available to me (their church was bringing in meals), or my ability to exercise. My drive home was full of anxiety as I worried about Gavin and worried about how I was going to choose to be successful in this and not resigned to failure.
On Monday after my first full day with the kids. This is what my schedule looked like.
6 AM Wake up to some child needing to "go potty" or wanting to be fed.
6:30 AM all the kids are awake by now and demanding to be fed, changed, dressed, or something
7:30 they want a snack
Pretty much the whole day was spent, preparing food for meals or snacks, cleaning up from meals or snacks, or trying to figure out the caloric count in foods that are brought in for us that I have no idea what is in them...Since I had little idea, I went for eating small amounts of things or eating fruit (which doesn't stay with you long-therefore feeling like I had been eating all day! Then on top of that feeling like, how in the world do you fit in exercise when you have 5 kids hanging on you all day and no stroller to fit them all.
SO here is what I did. I took control. I called my brother Ken and asked him to come sit with the kids for a bit so I could go out for a walk/run. Thankfully, he has been reading my blog (Yes Ken, I know you came back :-) I have a handy tracker :-) and therefore he knows what I have been up to and he came to my rescue. Thank You Kenny! So, I was able to go for a mile walk/run and it felt good. Not that I like exercise yet, but it felt good to feel like I had some control over my circumstances and that despite what looked like might turn out to be a bad ending to a great week, I was able to end it well.
On Tuesday, I went and found a scale to weigh in on. I do NOT recommend weighing in on a scale different than the one you have been on. I got on and it said I had gained 13 lbs since Saturday! Now in reality, I may have eaten a few extra calories on Monday, and may not have burned as many calories as I have been burning at the gym during my run walk, however in order to have gained 13 lbs I would have had to consume 45, 500 calories in a day and a half and not burned anything! I laughed at this scale, walked out and said...until I get back home I am considering my Saturday weight to be my weight for today!
Thursday and Friday was crazy busy and so today I went back to the gym, and weighed myself...I am on track. But since today is not my normal weigh in day, you will have to wait until Tues to find out where I am.
I didn't get to work out after that first workout on Monday, but it is not like I was sitting around either. 5 Kids under the age of 4 is a LOT of work and you move a lot taking care of just there actual physical needs. I must have gone up and down the stairs at least 30 times each day. Then there is all the toe touches as I picked up toys from the floor each day! Then there is carrying the 25 lbs of 1 yr old around each day! And that is just the work of it. That does not include all the playing, wrestling, and dancing with the princes and princesses at the balls we had!
All in all there were lots of victories this week. The biggest being that my fear that being home means inevitable failure or back tracking or gains or whatever you want to call it, does not have to be true! I decide. I am in control. I can win this war!
Now for a cute kid story since I spent the week with them. All of the kids love to play dress up. Their favorite is to be prince and princesses with the beautiful gowns and whatever clothes Garrett determines are the best for a prince to wear! While in costume, they are really in character. And of course all fairy tales that involve princes and princesses also include an evil witch. That role always falls to whatever adult is around. AKA Me. Emma, the 2 yr old princess wanted an orange peeled. After asking nicely to have one and I began peeling it for her, she looks at me and say "Do it _itch, Do it" Ummm "Excuse Me?" The princess says, "I saaiiiiddd, Do it _itch, Do it!!" Yeah she was calling me WITCH! She was still in character! It did NOT sound like WITCH!! Gotta love these kids!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Time for some Reward Goals
I have been thinking about some of the things I have always wanted to do but have not done out of fear and really weight. I have just under 200 lbs to go before I reach my goal weight. And here is what I want to do.
When I am halfway there, I want to actually complete a high ropes course with some of my friends. I have always wanted to do this and have even had opportunities to do so. I once even started one and came back down because of my fear. First I had to trust someone to be paying attention enough to not let me fall....then I had to trust that the rope was strong enough to hold me. Well, all the scientific data in the world could have been given to me and I still would not have believed it. Then of course there is the dreaded fear that even if I did trust those things...would the stupid harness even fit! SO that is my halfway goal reward.
Then when I finally reach my goal...which if I lose 3 lbs a week, this will be achieved in Feb 2010, I want to go sky diving! Since that time of year is very cold in Michigan...it may mean a trip to somewhere warm! But again, same fears about the chute fitting...but with an added fear of I might hit the ground before I remember to pull my chute. I know! I Know! I am ridiculous....but hey, I am just being honest! And since i have been doing some research I know that with tandem diving, that won't happen but still...I need a great awesome and amazing reward for WHEN I finally am in the body I am meant to be in!
Sooooo anyone up for a ropes course next summer and skydiving in 2010?? Who is up for a celebration like never before?? Well at least what may be the 2nd biggest celebration ever!!
Ups and Downs
Yesterday I weighed in again. I was expecting good things. After all, I felt like I did good this past week. Eating well and working out 5 of 7 days. You would think that all of that would result in a loss. But a loss was not in the cards for me. I gained 1 lb. In previous weeks where I have gained, I could look back and clearly see where I went wrong whether it was not really hitting the gym or too many poor food choices. But this week, I worked out 5 of 7 days and felt like I ate pretty well. So even though my gain was less than I had gained before and only 1 lb, I was extremely disappointed. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, that I get to go again. But man, it was just so tough to have felt like I worked hard with no positive results.
Fortunately, I once again have good friends and although I didn't want to tell them that I had gained again, I also refuse to give in to the lie that it is better to tuck tail and hide than to be honest. Especially with those who simply love me. Thank you dear ones from the bottom of my heart! Your words of your own journey's and the strong reminders of what this journey is all about encouraged me greatly!
So I set out to figure out what was going on. For whatever reason, I have been resisting using the tools available to me to track my food and exercise (calories in/calories out). So I finally signed up for the free website called SparkPeople.com. On Tuesday I began tracking my food and exercise among other things. I am supposed to eat between 1200-1500 calories. By the end of Tuesday I was at 1050 eating things similar to what I have been eating all along. So at the end of the day I threw in some more food to get myself over the 1200. On Wednesday, I realized at dinner time I was over 200 calories short for the day and didn't plan on eating again for the evening, except shoot!!
Needless to say, if I have been eating like this for the last 8 weeks, my body is starving and holding everything it gets. Then there is the whole idea of eating for nutrition component coming up again. It goes against everything in me as a recovering emotional eater to eat when I am NOT hungry, but at this point I have gotten almost too good at maximizing calories in a lot of food!
So in summary, Tuesday I was very very bummed. I even cried! For those who know me....that is a big deal! But as a friend said to me, this journey is about me becoming a wholly healthy person and not just about weight loss and while weight loss is a good measure the condition of my heart is a truer one. Letting people in to my disappointment was a victory in that! Yay God! Feeling my disappointment fully but not letting it consume me, was a victory! Choosing to go again immediately and not let the disappointment hang for a few days was a victory!
Oh and exercise this week is going well!! I walked on Tuesday, was at the gym twice yesterday and am getting ready to go today (Thursday). Much to celebrate this week my friends, much to celebrate!
Fortunately, I once again have good friends and although I didn't want to tell them that I had gained again, I also refuse to give in to the lie that it is better to tuck tail and hide than to be honest. Especially with those who simply love me. Thank you dear ones from the bottom of my heart! Your words of your own journey's and the strong reminders of what this journey is all about encouraged me greatly!
So I set out to figure out what was going on. For whatever reason, I have been resisting using the tools available to me to track my food and exercise (calories in/calories out). So I finally signed up for the free website called SparkPeople.com. On Tuesday I began tracking my food and exercise among other things. I am supposed to eat between 1200-1500 calories. By the end of Tuesday I was at 1050 eating things similar to what I have been eating all along. So at the end of the day I threw in some more food to get myself over the 1200. On Wednesday, I realized at dinner time I was over 200 calories short for the day and didn't plan on eating again for the evening, except shoot!!
Needless to say, if I have been eating like this for the last 8 weeks, my body is starving and holding everything it gets. Then there is the whole idea of eating for nutrition component coming up again. It goes against everything in me as a recovering emotional eater to eat when I am NOT hungry, but at this point I have gotten almost too good at maximizing calories in a lot of food!
So in summary, Tuesday I was very very bummed. I even cried! For those who know me....that is a big deal! But as a friend said to me, this journey is about me becoming a wholly healthy person and not just about weight loss and while weight loss is a good measure the condition of my heart is a truer one. Letting people in to my disappointment was a victory in that! Yay God! Feeling my disappointment fully but not letting it consume me, was a victory! Choosing to go again immediately and not let the disappointment hang for a few days was a victory!
Oh and exercise this week is going well!! I walked on Tuesday, was at the gym twice yesterday and am getting ready to go today (Thursday). Much to celebrate this week my friends, much to celebrate!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Much harder than I ever Expected
About 3 years ago I seriously started my weight loss journey after attending a Discovery Seminar and coming to understand what I now know to be the very beginnings of what my weight is for me. My weight started as a direct result of childhood sexual abuse. It has become so much more over the years. But as you will read, knowing doesn't make it any easier to change it.
I did a Dr. monitored 800 calorie diet and lost 60 lbs rather quickly. It was exciting and even thrilling to have lost so much weight so fast! But 800 calories! Seriously! I don't recommend this method, even if a doctor is monitoring it. It just is not healthy or sustainable. At some point you will have to increase your calories and unless you are doing serious exercise to counter the additional calories (which I was not)you will gain it all back...as I did.
Then I decided to gather a team of close people in my life, who were willing to take a stand with me and support me in this. I had a 1 year commitment with this small group of people. I told them how I hide and even lie when necessary to make excuses for my failures. I lost some weight. I don't remember how much, but at some point in that year I had one too many weeks of gain or no loss, got discouraged and slowly faded away from my team.
Last year I decided that I would try out for the Biggest Loser. Over the last couple years I had learned some things about myself. Serious things that hold me back from losing weight even though to be healthy is what I really want. But hey, I am committed now and maybe doing this on TV in front of the world will make it easier. After all I usually do well in competition. It is a great motivator for me. I didn't make the show, but I put my application video on You Tube then told all my friends about it, who told their friends, and of course any random person who did a search for Biggest Loser on you tube watched that video. In 2 months time, over 1500 people saw that video. I spent much of the last year discouraged that my energy and commitment didn't last or wasn't enough to make significant weight loss happen. And it didn't help that I was getting questioned about it all the time.
I thought that if I were committed enough, dedicated enough, had enough support around, was honest enough, and vulnerable enough that somehow all of that would be enough to motivate me to go to the gym and to eat healthy. But my reality is this. My weight has served me well for 27 years. It has done the job that I set it up to do and now that I don't want that job to be filled anymore I have 27 years of habit and beliefs and fears built up around this. I don't know what thin would look like for me. And I don't know what else will come up along this journey to stop me. What I do know is that this is more than a physical issue, but a heart issue. It has as much to do with my relationship with God as it does my relationship with food. Often I have put food first, trusting it to make me feel safe and comforted instead of trusting God to be that for me.
Where I am at today. I am not making the weight loss a big deal. Yes, I am doing this blog which might seem like a big deal...but in reality, not many people know about this yet. Yes I text/email my new weights each week to about 3-4 people, but not so much for accountability as much as for me to acknowledge what I have or have not done. I try to make good choices each day, but to be honest I don't count every calorie that goes in my body nor do I shame myself for having that cookie. When the urge to eat for some reason other than hunger overwhelms me, and I want to eat a whole box of cookies, I am working at letting a few into that struggle with me. It feels like I am less alone in it that way and it becomes easier to manage.
What IS a big deal is learning to trust God more and more with my heart. Food has been my idol and it rears its ugly head all the time and this time I want God first. This has been much harder than I ever expected. I have yo yo'd the last couple weeks. This would normally be frustrating for me. But I know that the last couple weeks have been really hard to trust God. I know that although most of the time I made good choices about food, I had a really hard time getting to the gym. I also recognize that while I have gotten better about letting people into the food struggle, I have not been so good about letting people in to the exercise struggle. I have many thoughts on that, but that will have to be another blog...this one is already long enough.
There is much to be learned on this journey of trust, healing and health but I refuse to give up. I am a pretty stubborn person and I refuse to give up just because it is hard! But it is much harder than I ever expected.
I did a Dr. monitored 800 calorie diet and lost 60 lbs rather quickly. It was exciting and even thrilling to have lost so much weight so fast! But 800 calories! Seriously! I don't recommend this method, even if a doctor is monitoring it. It just is not healthy or sustainable. At some point you will have to increase your calories and unless you are doing serious exercise to counter the additional calories (which I was not)you will gain it all back...as I did.
Then I decided to gather a team of close people in my life, who were willing to take a stand with me and support me in this. I had a 1 year commitment with this small group of people. I told them how I hide and even lie when necessary to make excuses for my failures. I lost some weight. I don't remember how much, but at some point in that year I had one too many weeks of gain or no loss, got discouraged and slowly faded away from my team.
Last year I decided that I would try out for the Biggest Loser. Over the last couple years I had learned some things about myself. Serious things that hold me back from losing weight even though to be healthy is what I really want. But hey, I am committed now and maybe doing this on TV in front of the world will make it easier. After all I usually do well in competition. It is a great motivator for me. I didn't make the show, but I put my application video on You Tube then told all my friends about it, who told their friends, and of course any random person who did a search for Biggest Loser on you tube watched that video. In 2 months time, over 1500 people saw that video. I spent much of the last year discouraged that my energy and commitment didn't last or wasn't enough to make significant weight loss happen. And it didn't help that I was getting questioned about it all the time.
I thought that if I were committed enough, dedicated enough, had enough support around, was honest enough, and vulnerable enough that somehow all of that would be enough to motivate me to go to the gym and to eat healthy. But my reality is this. My weight has served me well for 27 years. It has done the job that I set it up to do and now that I don't want that job to be filled anymore I have 27 years of habit and beliefs and fears built up around this. I don't know what thin would look like for me. And I don't know what else will come up along this journey to stop me. What I do know is that this is more than a physical issue, but a heart issue. It has as much to do with my relationship with God as it does my relationship with food. Often I have put food first, trusting it to make me feel safe and comforted instead of trusting God to be that for me.
Where I am at today. I am not making the weight loss a big deal. Yes, I am doing this blog which might seem like a big deal...but in reality, not many people know about this yet. Yes I text/email my new weights each week to about 3-4 people, but not so much for accountability as much as for me to acknowledge what I have or have not done. I try to make good choices each day, but to be honest I don't count every calorie that goes in my body nor do I shame myself for having that cookie. When the urge to eat for some reason other than hunger overwhelms me, and I want to eat a whole box of cookies, I am working at letting a few into that struggle with me. It feels like I am less alone in it that way and it becomes easier to manage.
What IS a big deal is learning to trust God more and more with my heart. Food has been my idol and it rears its ugly head all the time and this time I want God first. This has been much harder than I ever expected. I have yo yo'd the last couple weeks. This would normally be frustrating for me. But I know that the last couple weeks have been really hard to trust God. I know that although most of the time I made good choices about food, I had a really hard time getting to the gym. I also recognize that while I have gotten better about letting people into the food struggle, I have not been so good about letting people in to the exercise struggle. I have many thoughts on that, but that will have to be another blog...this one is already long enough.
There is much to be learned on this journey of trust, healing and health but I refuse to give up. I am a pretty stubborn person and I refuse to give up just because it is hard! But it is much harder than I ever expected.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Grace
This week has been one of grace. Despite my angst and anger and wonderings last week of the justice and mercy of God, I feel like God has been my constant companion this week. While driving in the car alone and continuing to wonder, I have at times felt almost a physical presence with me. While walking around this city of mine, I felt as though he walked beside me. Even as I type this I know it sounds so cliche. But truly, I know I am not alone. I know that God is not going to change who He is so I can feel like justice has been done, but He is also not going to deny me the right to feel the way I do. My anger does not scare him away. And He feels no need to hurry to make me feel better about it either. He is content to sit with me while I wonder, as long as it takes. That is grace to me.
I have also been extremely thankful for the friends who have sat with me, listened, and cried with me...and also felt no pressure to fix this for me. Especially the men...who tend to be fixers anyway. It was good to be able to just talk out loud and be heard. That was grace with skin on.
I have also been extremely thankful for the friends who have sat with me, listened, and cried with me...and also felt no pressure to fix this for me. Especially the men...who tend to be fixers anyway. It was good to be able to just talk out loud and be heard. That was grace with skin on.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Betrayed!
No one ever writes the honest questions of their hearts to God. If we really voiced our questions, someone might think we are being blasphemous or anti-God. But I have hard questions. Questions that I don't think I will get sufficient answers to this side of Heaven.
I feel like I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. I am not married, so I can only imagine how this would feel. The wind is knocked out of me, and it is hard to take in air. The room is spinning and I wonder if it will ever stop. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed. And Angry. I don't know how I will ever trust again. My eyes burn and are tired of tears. Will they ever stop?
And there are no answers, because it is two truths that my heart is fighting. Two truths of God. 1. All who come to Him and repent and turn from their wicked ways, will be saved. God will cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. Forgiveness. The chance to be His child.
2. Woe to the man who harms a little child. It would be better for this man to have a stone tied around his neck and be tossed into the sea, than to experience God's wrath.
How can God fulfill both of these things? How can He pursue my heart so fervently and pursue my abusers heart just as fervently? I have taken great comfort over the years that God would take care of this man. But now I am not so sure. This man can simply repent and be saved from that. Jesus will then defend him on Judgement day. How can He defend both of us at the same time? How can I trust God in this? How can my Father become best friends with the man who betrayed my trust so fully and then expect me to dine with him?
And at the same time, my heart breaks that I can't trust this God of mine. I can't trust Him and I can't deny Him either. I can't just turn my back and walk away forever. And I can't bring myself to ask Him to choose either. How can I ask Him to break one of His promises? It is the very graciousness of God that brought me to Him that I am hating now. How can I fault Him for being exactly who He has always said He would be, even with my enemies?
When my heart has been broken in the past, I would so easily go to Him for comfort, for healing. But how do I take my heart to the very one I feel broke it and ask Him to fix it? How do I trust Him to not break it more? My heart is destroyed. I love Him so much, and no matter how hard I try I can't harden myself against the pain or against Him. I can't not cry out to Him. Yet, I can't trust Him either. I can't analyze this. I can't put it in a box and make it pretty. I can't figure out how to "do" grief or pain. I have no answers.
My one comfort in all of this, is I am not alone. I have never felt His presence so close to me as right now. I have never wanted it more. To want so desperately and to not want equally so. It feels like there are 2 sides of me pulling on my heart from both sides at the same time. I feel like He is just sitting nearby waiting for me to get all of this out. Fulfilling His promise to never leave me or forsake me. How can I NOT trust this Jesus? How DO I trust this Jesus of mine?
I feel like I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. I am not married, so I can only imagine how this would feel. The wind is knocked out of me, and it is hard to take in air. The room is spinning and I wonder if it will ever stop. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed. And Angry. I don't know how I will ever trust again. My eyes burn and are tired of tears. Will they ever stop?
And there are no answers, because it is two truths that my heart is fighting. Two truths of God. 1. All who come to Him and repent and turn from their wicked ways, will be saved. God will cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. Forgiveness. The chance to be His child.
2. Woe to the man who harms a little child. It would be better for this man to have a stone tied around his neck and be tossed into the sea, than to experience God's wrath.
How can God fulfill both of these things? How can He pursue my heart so fervently and pursue my abusers heart just as fervently? I have taken great comfort over the years that God would take care of this man. But now I am not so sure. This man can simply repent and be saved from that. Jesus will then defend him on Judgement day. How can He defend both of us at the same time? How can I trust God in this? How can my Father become best friends with the man who betrayed my trust so fully and then expect me to dine with him?
And at the same time, my heart breaks that I can't trust this God of mine. I can't trust Him and I can't deny Him either. I can't just turn my back and walk away forever. And I can't bring myself to ask Him to choose either. How can I ask Him to break one of His promises? It is the very graciousness of God that brought me to Him that I am hating now. How can I fault Him for being exactly who He has always said He would be, even with my enemies?
When my heart has been broken in the past, I would so easily go to Him for comfort, for healing. But how do I take my heart to the very one I feel broke it and ask Him to fix it? How do I trust Him to not break it more? My heart is destroyed. I love Him so much, and no matter how hard I try I can't harden myself against the pain or against Him. I can't not cry out to Him. Yet, I can't trust Him either. I can't analyze this. I can't put it in a box and make it pretty. I can't figure out how to "do" grief or pain. I have no answers.
My one comfort in all of this, is I am not alone. I have never felt His presence so close to me as right now. I have never wanted it more. To want so desperately and to not want equally so. It feels like there are 2 sides of me pulling on my heart from both sides at the same time. I feel like He is just sitting nearby waiting for me to get all of this out. Fulfilling His promise to never leave me or forsake me. How can I NOT trust this Jesus? How DO I trust this Jesus of mine?
Friday, October 24, 2008
Who Am I?
When I feel like giving up. When I feel like I cannot do another thing. When I feel like I don't have what it takes. When I feel like my world is spinning out of control and all that I know to be true is being shaken to the core. When I feel like my faith has been devastated and I cannot trust anything. I remember. I remember the times I have been clear God has spoken to me. I remember the feeling of complete security I had in His words. Today is such a day and I am working hard at remembering. Here is my story of who God says I am.
I was participating in an exercise. But it didn't feel like an exercise. In my mind's eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn't imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn't matter to Him?
I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn't fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn't understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.
Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!" I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn't think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. "Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?" I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.
Again, immediately, I heard this response. "I call you enough." So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.
It was enough. I didn't know one could cry so hard. I didn't know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks...and I knew it was true. No matter what...I am enough for Him.
Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. "Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough".
I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.
I was participating in an exercise. But it didn't feel like an exercise. In my mind's eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn't imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn't matter to Him?
I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn't fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn't understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.
Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!" I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn't think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. "Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?" I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.
Again, immediately, I heard this response. "I call you enough." So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.
It was enough. I didn't know one could cry so hard. I didn't know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks...and I knew it was true. No matter what...I am enough for Him.
Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. "Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough".
I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I will not be ashamed!
Shame (according to the English Language Dictionary) is the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous done by oneself or another.
Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, "Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity."
Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me...
Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn't want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can't keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will "they" think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.
I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.
Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, "Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity."
Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me...
Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn't want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can't keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will "they" think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.
I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.
Monday, October 6, 2008
I must die so that I might live!
I have many thoughts today, but the theme seems to be getting rid of old ways of thinking, eating, being...so that the new me can live.
Food. I like it. I really do. However, I must retrain myself to eat for nutrition sake and not for pleasure sake. In the process, I am hoping that I will learn to actually enjoy food that is good for me and eventually be able to eat for both pleasure and nutrition. As I write this, my dinner is what I have come to call "green goo". It is loaded with nutrition. Blended spinach and broccoli, banana, apple, strawberries, and blueberries. All those things I do like but I relate to them all as health foods and blended together it is green. Very green. I smell broccoli first when I go to drink, and the first flavor to hit me is broccoli, then the berries, mostly strawberry. It doesn't taste bad. Really, it doesn't. SO why is it taking me an hour to suck down half of it? I know. There is no satisfying pleasure in drinking my food. There is no chew or crunch factor. And it is green!
Regardless of how I feel about the food I am eating I know that if I don't change, if I don't eat differently and exercise differently so that I lose weight, I will die. So far I have been lucky. At this time I do not have crazy health issues typically associated with someone of my weight. But they are coming. My grandmother, not a large woman comparatively speaking, died of a massive heart attack. My mother has already had a mild heart attack and has heart related health issues. She also is not a large woman comparatively and what weight she does have has been added in recent years. Not long term weight issues like mine. She is only 60.
Regardless of how I feel in any given moment about food, myself, my weight, or exercise...I must change. My habits, my ways of thinking, the way I relate to food...all of this must die, so that the me that God created me to be can Live! I wonder if I will be different. Or will I be a healthy version of me? Will I have different interests? I think there might actually be an athlete hidden in me. Regardless of all of those wonderings, I want to Live and live fully. I want to be able to say that my whole life is bringing Glory to God.
So there is my ramble for the day. It feels very disconnected in the flow of my thoughts, but that is what one gets when I have many thoughts! Oh by the way...I lost another 4 lbs this week!! So in the last 3 weeks I have lost 12. That is incredible! Especially since I feel like I ate horribly this past weekend!
Food. I like it. I really do. However, I must retrain myself to eat for nutrition sake and not for pleasure sake. In the process, I am hoping that I will learn to actually enjoy food that is good for me and eventually be able to eat for both pleasure and nutrition. As I write this, my dinner is what I have come to call "green goo". It is loaded with nutrition. Blended spinach and broccoli, banana, apple, strawberries, and blueberries. All those things I do like but I relate to them all as health foods and blended together it is green. Very green. I smell broccoli first when I go to drink, and the first flavor to hit me is broccoli, then the berries, mostly strawberry. It doesn't taste bad. Really, it doesn't. SO why is it taking me an hour to suck down half of it? I know. There is no satisfying pleasure in drinking my food. There is no chew or crunch factor. And it is green!
Regardless of how I feel about the food I am eating I know that if I don't change, if I don't eat differently and exercise differently so that I lose weight, I will die. So far I have been lucky. At this time I do not have crazy health issues typically associated with someone of my weight. But they are coming. My grandmother, not a large woman comparatively speaking, died of a massive heart attack. My mother has already had a mild heart attack and has heart related health issues. She also is not a large woman comparatively and what weight she does have has been added in recent years. Not long term weight issues like mine. She is only 60.
Regardless of how I feel in any given moment about food, myself, my weight, or exercise...I must change. My habits, my ways of thinking, the way I relate to food...all of this must die, so that the me that God created me to be can Live! I wonder if I will be different. Or will I be a healthy version of me? Will I have different interests? I think there might actually be an athlete hidden in me. Regardless of all of those wonderings, I want to Live and live fully. I want to be able to say that my whole life is bringing Glory to God.
So there is my ramble for the day. It feels very disconnected in the flow of my thoughts, but that is what one gets when I have many thoughts! Oh by the way...I lost another 4 lbs this week!! So in the last 3 weeks I have lost 12. That is incredible! Especially since I feel like I ate horribly this past weekend!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
8 down...200 to go...or something like that...
I am down 8 lbs! While I do see this as a victory, there is still some disappointment in that it is not a new 8 lbs lost. Actually only 2 of it is new. But I am on my way. And hopefully, I won't turn back again. I have been silent on this matter for some time now. OK, so I started the blog to write about the up and down struggle I have with losing weight and I have only written the ups :-) Hmmm I hope to get better about that.
I was asked by a dear friend last night how he can proactively support me in this journey. I had no answer for him. I know that I know that I have his support without judgment or condemnation. In fact I have many people in my life that I have that with. I truly am blessed in that way! My problem is, when I am struggling, I don't see that. I hear loud and clear my own voice in my head that screams of my failures and insecurities. So I plod along in my own way and because I am very VERY good at putting on a good face...no one knows I struggle. Then I wonder why no one notices.
I do know that I am not up for every person in my life asking me daily how I am doing and where I am at with this struggle or any other. I tried that. It doesn't work. It just highlights my failings that much more. Besides that, if you only knew how many amazing supportive people I have in my life...you would know how overwhelming that would get.
I am up for giving a few key people in my life free reign to ask anything, anytime, but please don't ask me publicly (as if I need to say that to those key people). You know if you are a key person. IF you are wondering if you are a key person...I am sorry...but you probably are not. Anonymous friend mentioned above...come out of your head a minute...you are one of them :-)
Some people may get their feelings hurt by this, but as much as I am up for honesty and relationship and authenticity...I have to go with what I need in this. I have to think about me. Imagine that...what a concept :-)
So I will see you on the downside...and if I think of more proactive ways you can support me...well I will let you know!
I was asked by a dear friend last night how he can proactively support me in this journey. I had no answer for him. I know that I know that I have his support without judgment or condemnation. In fact I have many people in my life that I have that with. I truly am blessed in that way! My problem is, when I am struggling, I don't see that. I hear loud and clear my own voice in my head that screams of my failures and insecurities. So I plod along in my own way and because I am very VERY good at putting on a good face...no one knows I struggle. Then I wonder why no one notices.
I do know that I am not up for every person in my life asking me daily how I am doing and where I am at with this struggle or any other. I tried that. It doesn't work. It just highlights my failings that much more. Besides that, if you only knew how many amazing supportive people I have in my life...you would know how overwhelming that would get.
I am up for giving a few key people in my life free reign to ask anything, anytime, but please don't ask me publicly (as if I need to say that to those key people). You know if you are a key person. IF you are wondering if you are a key person...I am sorry...but you probably are not. Anonymous friend mentioned above...come out of your head a minute...you are one of them :-)
Some people may get their feelings hurt by this, but as much as I am up for honesty and relationship and authenticity...I have to go with what I need in this. I have to think about me. Imagine that...what a concept :-)
So I will see you on the downside...and if I think of more proactive ways you can support me...well I will let you know!
Friday, September 5, 2008
I could swim 500 meters and I will swim 500 more....
Me, My personal Lifeguard and chasecar, and then there is my friend!
Here begins the dragging out of the water....
and up the hill....
to meet Aaron.....
and there he goes.....Go Aaron GO!!One year ago, I signed on board with a few friends to compete in a Triathlon, relay style, Labor Day Weekend of 2008. I was to do the swim portion, Aaron would bike 20K, and Ann would then run 5K. Of course back then, I got many warnings that one could DIE swimming in a triathlon. Little did the giver of those warnings know, but that just makes me want to do it more. Tell me I cannot do something and I will prove I can!
So I began the road of swim lessons and many hours spent at the Y trying to make sure I could actually swim 500 meters straight. Well the weekend arrived last week and my team, complete with cheerleaders (Yay Adam, Leann, Mom, Laurie and Larry), and Jen's team showed up at the triathlon, ready to go. Then I saw the lake, and the buoys, and how far away they were from each other. Then the announcer told us where I had to swim around, thank GOD is wasn't ALL the buoys I saw out there!! I wasn't saying much. I looked pretty calm. Aaron, Ann, Jen, and all the rest asked how I was doing. My standard answer was "I'm good!" However, my internal answer was...^%@!@&&*@&%&. The more I talk about how nervous I am, the worse it gets. So it is much better for me to put my game face on than be honest. Now that it is over....I was very nervous. But in reality, I was more nervous about making it up the hill after swimming than I was about the swim. I mean come on...it is sooo NOT FAIR to make people get out of the water and run up a hill on rubber legs in their swimsuits. But who says that Triathlons were meant to be fair!
In the end, I swam the distance, with my own personal lifeguard puttering along next to me. He says he is the chase car in a marathon. His job was to swim with the last person in the water. So I guess you now know how quickly I swam...not quick! My first 10 minutes were rough. But that is how it always is...I wanted to quit to say the least. But how does one quit in a Lake. At the pool, you grab a wall and hang on. In a lake your choices are limited. Turn around, swim on, or get hauled out. Getting hauled out was not an option for me because the ONLY way I would allow that was if I was dead...and frankly I wasn't up for dying. Turning around was not an option either because when I wanted to quit it was equally far to turn around and swim back as it was to keep going and finish. Not to mention the fear of failure and the shame that would go along with it.
As I approached the finish, I see a man in the water just beyond the finish line. I hear cheering...yes I have fans :-) Then I notice the man in the water is a friend of mine who had already finished his swim...He came back for me. TO cheer me in, and to conquer the hill with me. I was not alone. Talk about no man being left behind. I felt very very loved. Together we made it up the hill and I was able to get my electronic chip that keeps track of our times passed off to Aaron so he could go off on the bike. Then and only then, was I finally able to breathe...and begin to wonder will I even recognize Aaron when he comes in on the bike. What was he wearing? What color is his helmet? Is he wearing sun glasses or not? How will I know to cheer like crazy when he comes in? SO I went and changed then stood near his siblings. Because I was for SURE that they of all people would recognize him...and when they cheered, I would cheer.
He did great, despite a mechanical failure on the bike. His seat dropped when he sat on it, so he rode a bike that was not fitted right for him and with a seat that was wobbling. Despite all that, he still spent less time on the bike than Virg. Yes it is a small victory and probably the only competitive victory for our team of the day, but a victory nonetheless.
He came in, and yes I recognized him...and Ann took off to finish strong on the running.
All in all, we decided we wanted to do it again next year, but the longer version. So next year, I add 500 meters on and will swim a total of 1000 meters. I am so glad they want me back on their team again:-)
And on a side note: I am beginning to see a theme in my fears. My fears have nothing to do with the event itself, but with what I might look like doing the event(valid-see photos), or how others might perceive it(not valid, they want me back), or the not being able to do it(not valid, I did it!).
Click the link to see our results if you care to see them. :-)
http://www.3disciplines.com/index2.php?option=com_docman&task=doc_view&gid=843&Itemid=60
Friday, April 11, 2008
Wave of Mercy
I am learning this Blogger thing one step at a time. I was trying to put the Wave of Mercy Link in my sidebar and it ended up in a post. So, here I am trying to explain it.
Jenny is my Friend. I credit her (ok God through her) and 2 others that had a HUGE role in my salvation. Needless to say, she is an amazing woman who just loves Jesus and wants to be used by Him.
So here is the short story. She is going away. Far, Far, much farther than I would like my friend to go, away. For 3 months!! What will I do without her for 3 months, but that is another story. Anyway, she will be on the Africa Mercy, a big floating hospital off the coast of Africa providing medical care to people in need.
How cool is that!!! If you like world mission stuff and want to support Jen, click the links, it will tell you what to do and how to do it. If you would rather get something for your money, there is a Karaoke fundraiser being planned in the Metro Detroit area for May 4th and we are planning one also in the Grand Rapids area a little later in May.
So keep checking for those details :-) They should be a good time for all!!
Jenny is my Friend. I credit her (ok God through her) and 2 others that had a HUGE role in my salvation. Needless to say, she is an amazing woman who just loves Jesus and wants to be used by Him.
So here is the short story. She is going away. Far, Far, much farther than I would like my friend to go, away. For 3 months!! What will I do without her for 3 months, but that is another story. Anyway, she will be on the Africa Mercy, a big floating hospital off the coast of Africa providing medical care to people in need.
How cool is that!!! If you like world mission stuff and want to support Jen, click the links, it will tell you what to do and how to do it. If you would rather get something for your money, there is a Karaoke fundraiser being planned in the Metro Detroit area for May 4th and we are planning one also in the Grand Rapids area a little later in May.
So keep checking for those details :-) They should be a good time for all!!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The first one...
Today I was posting a comment on another person's blog and realized I had gone beyond a comment. I was writing my story out of where I am today, in hopes of encouraging others. I thought...Sheesh, I should do my own blog. Later (without knowing about my earlier thoughts) a friend said, Kim...You should blog your story. Harumph.
My blog is predominantly going to be about my weight loss journey. What comes up for me? What stops me? Why do I freeze in the midst of progress? I know! I know! That sounds like the pits to read. So I will be sure to include my successes and joys as well. The times when I "Won" that minute, then that hour, until I have "won" a whole day and then a whole week...until finally I have won the battle.
My "issue" with doing a blog is if I do it consistently and I give it 100%...then people will see me on my not so good days. They will know the dreams I have of fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy and the nightmares I have about vegetables and salad and eating them for the rest of my life!!! They will know my greatest fears and weaknesses. OK forget "they". "You" might not like what you see some days. Which translates into my crazy brain as You might not like me. Vulnerable. Scary. I hesitate. Then I remember who it is I want to be to the world. An Inspiration. How can I be an inspiration if I am not willing to take a risk? So here it is people. Read on if you dare.
So you might be asking...what is with the title of this Blog. Well, it came from a song I love that sums up this journey through life. Right now I am on a Journey of Weight Loss. With that, comes a journey of self reflection. Figuring out who I am to myself, to others and ultimately to God, My Father. As I come to know me and become more confident of who God calls me (more about that later) I cannot help but end up in a place of Beauty and Grace. So here are the song lyrics that inspired my title and that encourages me daily of where I am headed and it is not just to skinny!
On the Road to Beautiful by Charlie Hall
I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love
Father come to me, hold me up
'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone
and my breath is shot,
I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage
to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory
I will always sing
And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain
You're my portion in this life
You're my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark
I'll love You
I'll love You, I'll love You
I'll love You...
My blog is predominantly going to be about my weight loss journey. What comes up for me? What stops me? Why do I freeze in the midst of progress? I know! I know! That sounds like the pits to read. So I will be sure to include my successes and joys as well. The times when I "Won" that minute, then that hour, until I have "won" a whole day and then a whole week...until finally I have won the battle.
My "issue" with doing a blog is if I do it consistently and I give it 100%...then people will see me on my not so good days. They will know the dreams I have of fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy and the nightmares I have about vegetables and salad and eating them for the rest of my life!!! They will know my greatest fears and weaknesses. OK forget "they". "You" might not like what you see some days. Which translates into my crazy brain as You might not like me. Vulnerable. Scary. I hesitate. Then I remember who it is I want to be to the world. An Inspiration. How can I be an inspiration if I am not willing to take a risk? So here it is people. Read on if you dare.
So you might be asking...what is with the title of this Blog. Well, it came from a song I love that sums up this journey through life. Right now I am on a Journey of Weight Loss. With that, comes a journey of self reflection. Figuring out who I am to myself, to others and ultimately to God, My Father. As I come to know me and become more confident of who God calls me (more about that later) I cannot help but end up in a place of Beauty and Grace. So here are the song lyrics that inspired my title and that encourages me daily of where I am headed and it is not just to skinny!
On the Road to Beautiful by Charlie Hall
I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love
Father come to me, hold me up
'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone
and my breath is shot,
I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage
to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory
I will always sing
And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain
You're my portion in this life
You're my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark
I'll love You
I'll love You, I'll love You
I'll love You...
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