This morning I got up and joined a friend at her YMCA to try a class out called "the Last Chance Workout". Just the name of it invokes fear and apprehension and yet I was somewhat excited to try it and see how far I could go. Well, anything cardio I could mostly keep up with...for at least the first 20 minutes of it anyway. Then she had us do this thing. I don't know what it is called so I will describe it to you. First you get into push up position. Regular push ups, not girl push up position, but you have towels under your toes. Then, you begin to walk your hands forward, dragging your body behind you, all the while staying up in push up position. Then you turn yourself around, without getting out of position and walk back. At that point, you stop, remain in position and bring one knee up to your chest (oh but stay in position) and back again repeatedly, then you switch legs and start again. Oh an d don't forget to breathe and hold your core tight, and umm stay in position.
Let's just say I could NOT do this. I mean I am getting stronger and all, believe me I am, but carrying 300+ lbs around on just my arms is a bit much...dontcha think? So I did some Pilate's push ups instead while everyone else dragged themselves around. Little did I know the next thing was push ups off the step....
Later in the class she had us put 4 risers under our step then do a two footed jump up. I have often thought that looked pretty simple while watching it on The Biggest Loser and wondered what the big deal was. Why is there so much fear involved in jumping up? I didn't get it. I mean I could get jumping down ( I don't like to jump off things) but jumping up? Really? OK. I get it. It is hard and it is scary. First off, it is 12-14 inches up. But beyond that, what if I fall? Now that would look silly and be horrifyingly embarrassing. What if I miss and trip over the step? What if....? What if...? Yeah What if. So what. I tried it. I couldn't jump that high with both feet landing at the same time. I did the best I could. But once again, I will not judge TBL contestants until I have jumped where they have jumped.
On another note, I have a special project I am working on tomorrow and I am a tad nervous to say the least. I have been in the kitchen far more frequently than necessary last night and today and it is only 1 PM and I was gone for 3 hours this morning. I even bought a can of pringles. That is when I realized what was going on..."uh-oh, put the can down, count how many you ate (or think you ate) then add 10 more...then count the calories..." So calories are counted, and now I am much more aware of what is going on...nerves are driving my eating today far more than hunger or my plan.... HA! Satan thinks he is wily to sneak old habits in on me!! Back to my plan...back to my plan...and just for those chips, I will be back at the gym tonight sometime!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A different perspective
I was reading a blog this week by a guy who has lost 130 lbs in 1 year. His story is incredible and following his continued journey has been awesome. He posted this blog. It is amazing how as a skinny person he is able to capture my thoughts so clearly about what I think others are thinking as I workout at the gym. I often don't look fellow gym rats in the eyes as I enter or exit the gym. I don't work out WITH people and I don't talk to people while actually working out. If someone I know does talk to me, I stop what I am doing and talk.
The other cool thing about this blog is that he puts his real perspective on it. What he really thinks as a fit guy running a trail and seeing a new person or a fat person running as well. He is genuinely excited for them and hopes that we fat people see that in his eyes as he watches them and not the judgement that we expect.
All this to say, this world is not as horrible as we think it is. Most people probably don't think what we think they are thinking. More people would probably encourage me on my way, if only I would let them in. And really, how many of those "fit" people I see at the gym are actually former fatties themselves just working hard to keep it off?
So with that, I am gonna continue to Run as though no one is watching, and perhaps...just maybe...you might get some eye contact from me as I run...
The other cool thing about this blog is that he puts his real perspective on it. What he really thinks as a fit guy running a trail and seeing a new person or a fat person running as well. He is genuinely excited for them and hopes that we fat people see that in his eyes as he watches them and not the judgement that we expect.
All this to say, this world is not as horrible as we think it is. Most people probably don't think what we think they are thinking. More people would probably encourage me on my way, if only I would let them in. And really, how many of those "fit" people I see at the gym are actually former fatties themselves just working hard to keep it off?
So with that, I am gonna continue to Run as though no one is watching, and perhaps...just maybe...you might get some eye contact from me as I run...
Not so Wonky anymore!
It has been almost a week since I last blogged and all you poor readers must think that I have been living all wonked out in the head all week long. I tell you, my craziness bounces around from day to day. One day I am really struggling and the next I am fine.
Last weeks wonkiness is over, at least for now. I stopped weighing myself daily as that was part of the problem. I worked hard at eating my calories for the day, of course I didn't always meet it but I am working on a system to guarantee no failure in this department! It is called pre-planning! No more of this, "Oh crap! it is midnight and I am 400 calories short!" I am still pushing for 2 hours a day/6 days a week for working out, but I refuse to feel guilty for not being there on my day off.
As for my move...On Tuesday night I had a few men come over and help load my truck! They were amazing! Then on Wednesday, I drove my stuff to my new home in Detroit! For the most part, and on most days, I feel good about this move and I feel very strong about my ability to succeed even there. In my current home, I buy all my groceries so I have complete control of what comes into the house and what does not. I have a great system in place for splurging on "bad stuff". I eat my serving then give the rest to my men friends! Here is the reality I saw while at my new home, with my mom yesterday! On top of the fridge were 3 bags of chips, a big tub of candy, particularly chocolate, ice cream in the freezer and cereal that is in NO WAY healthy whatsoever, I don't care if it says whole grain on it. Fortunately, there were no Slim Jim's around this time, but they are often there. This is all stuff I grew up on. All things I love. In addition to the bad snack stuff, I also grew up on all things fried. Fried chicken, pork chops, fish. If it could be fried, it was. So this will be a challenge to say the least! But despite that fresh reminder of the kinds of temptations I will be facing, I still feel strong and ready. Despite my feelings today, be aware my core team....you might be getting some extra text messages and phone calls! I might need you more than ever before!!
What I am looking forward to in Detroit:
*Finding an amazing church that I can call home and get involved in
*Creating the kind of relationships there that I have here, but never did while there the last time because I just wanted to be here!
*Spending loads of time wrestling with my 8 nieces and nephews and WINNING
*Finding new workout buddies (Sorry Adam, Mike and the occasional Aaron, you will NEED to be replaced on this front)
*Spending time with "my girls" Jen, Clacker and Wizi, I miss you!!
*Spending time with my brothers, especially Ken.
*a JOB??? Perhaps a job will actually be in my future!! I hope so!
I am sure there are more things, but those are the highlights. For now, I remain in GR for the next 2 weeks, saying my goodbyes, and trying not to die from the cats in the house that I will be house sitting for.
Oh by the way, I lost 3 LBS this week! Yahoo!!
Last weeks wonkiness is over, at least for now. I stopped weighing myself daily as that was part of the problem. I worked hard at eating my calories for the day, of course I didn't always meet it but I am working on a system to guarantee no failure in this department! It is called pre-planning! No more of this, "Oh crap! it is midnight and I am 400 calories short!" I am still pushing for 2 hours a day/6 days a week for working out, but I refuse to feel guilty for not being there on my day off.
As for my move...On Tuesday night I had a few men come over and help load my truck! They were amazing! Then on Wednesday, I drove my stuff to my new home in Detroit! For the most part, and on most days, I feel good about this move and I feel very strong about my ability to succeed even there. In my current home, I buy all my groceries so I have complete control of what comes into the house and what does not. I have a great system in place for splurging on "bad stuff". I eat my serving then give the rest to my men friends! Here is the reality I saw while at my new home, with my mom yesterday! On top of the fridge were 3 bags of chips, a big tub of candy, particularly chocolate, ice cream in the freezer and cereal that is in NO WAY healthy whatsoever, I don't care if it says whole grain on it. Fortunately, there were no Slim Jim's around this time, but they are often there. This is all stuff I grew up on. All things I love. In addition to the bad snack stuff, I also grew up on all things fried. Fried chicken, pork chops, fish. If it could be fried, it was. So this will be a challenge to say the least! But despite that fresh reminder of the kinds of temptations I will be facing, I still feel strong and ready. Despite my feelings today, be aware my core team....you might be getting some extra text messages and phone calls! I might need you more than ever before!!
What I am looking forward to in Detroit:
*Finding an amazing church that I can call home and get involved in
*Creating the kind of relationships there that I have here, but never did while there the last time because I just wanted to be here!
*Spending loads of time wrestling with my 8 nieces and nephews and WINNING
*Finding new workout buddies (Sorry Adam, Mike and the occasional Aaron, you will NEED to be replaced on this front)
*Spending time with "my girls" Jen, Clacker and Wizi, I miss you!!
*Spending time with my brothers, especially Ken.
*a JOB??? Perhaps a job will actually be in my future!! I hope so!
I am sure there are more things, but those are the highlights. For now, I remain in GR for the next 2 weeks, saying my goodbyes, and trying not to die from the cats in the house that I will be house sitting for.
Oh by the way, I lost 3 LBS this week! Yahoo!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Wonked in the Head!
As I begin to pack things up and the end of my time here draws near, I am getting nervous. Nervous to be heading back to Detroit and nervous about my ability to stay on track. I KNOW this is not Truth that I am feeling but that doesn't make the feelings any less real.
Here is what I have been noticing.
I have begun obsessing on the scale. I have been checking it daily. I know Coach. The body fluctuates from day to day. It is not good to weigh yourself daily. I was and still am disappointed in a 2 LB weight loss for the week. I think it is that realization that has made me really think about all of this stuff. 2lbs in a week is good, I know that. Any loss is good really! But I wanted more, because I leave here in a few weeks, you know.
I was beginning to see myself cut back on calories in the last day or so, knowing full well that that is not the way to do it. Knowing that will just send my body back to a holding pattern. But nevertheless, less calories in makes more logical sense to me than the other way around. So then my next thought is well, if I am not going to cut calories, then I must increase my exercise to burn more calories.
Exercising more means being at the gym more than 2 hours a day. While this may not seem crazy for someone of my size, who wants to lose weight desperately, to do, the motivation is fear more than health. There is a drive in me to lose as much weight as I can before Feb 15th, when I am officially back home with the hopes that the more I have off the easier it will be??? Or sadly, if I can lose another 25 before then, then that is 25 more lbs that I would have to regain if I were to completely fail. 25 LBS is ALOT to lose in one month (unless you are on The Biggest Loser Ranch). It took me 4 months to lose my first 25. In order to cut another 25 in the next month, drastic measures would have to take place.
I don't want to become some person that has eating disorders or crazy ways of managing weight. Maybe I already am that and that is where the struggle is coming in. I do not know for sure. All I know is that I want to be healthy. I want to keep up a healthy balance of diet and exercise now and in Detroit, for this season and for life! I want to be motivated by the feeling of health and energy that rises up in me after a good work out and not the fear that if I don't I won't lose any weight or worse I might gain.
I am writing this blog, just to get the fears out of my head and somewhere else that they won't consume me. I know, that when things are in the light, they cannot control me. It doesn't mean I won't be afraid or nervous or that I won't think about these things ever again. But I am hoping between speaking it out and my team, it won't control me. And as a side note, this isn't how I feel all the time, but it has become more so this week than most.
A.M and M.K, did you have any idea I was this wonked in the head???
One more thing...(I accidentally hit the post button) Slow and Steady wins the race, right??
Here is what I have been noticing.
I have begun obsessing on the scale. I have been checking it daily. I know Coach. The body fluctuates from day to day. It is not good to weigh yourself daily. I was and still am disappointed in a 2 LB weight loss for the week. I think it is that realization that has made me really think about all of this stuff. 2lbs in a week is good, I know that. Any loss is good really! But I wanted more, because I leave here in a few weeks, you know.
I was beginning to see myself cut back on calories in the last day or so, knowing full well that that is not the way to do it. Knowing that will just send my body back to a holding pattern. But nevertheless, less calories in makes more logical sense to me than the other way around. So then my next thought is well, if I am not going to cut calories, then I must increase my exercise to burn more calories.
Exercising more means being at the gym more than 2 hours a day. While this may not seem crazy for someone of my size, who wants to lose weight desperately, to do, the motivation is fear more than health. There is a drive in me to lose as much weight as I can before Feb 15th, when I am officially back home with the hopes that the more I have off the easier it will be??? Or sadly, if I can lose another 25 before then, then that is 25 more lbs that I would have to regain if I were to completely fail. 25 LBS is ALOT to lose in one month (unless you are on The Biggest Loser Ranch). It took me 4 months to lose my first 25. In order to cut another 25 in the next month, drastic measures would have to take place.
I don't want to become some person that has eating disorders or crazy ways of managing weight. Maybe I already am that and that is where the struggle is coming in. I do not know for sure. All I know is that I want to be healthy. I want to keep up a healthy balance of diet and exercise now and in Detroit, for this season and for life! I want to be motivated by the feeling of health and energy that rises up in me after a good work out and not the fear that if I don't I won't lose any weight or worse I might gain.
I am writing this blog, just to get the fears out of my head and somewhere else that they won't consume me. I know, that when things are in the light, they cannot control me. It doesn't mean I won't be afraid or nervous or that I won't think about these things ever again. But I am hoping between speaking it out and my team, it won't control me. And as a side note, this isn't how I feel all the time, but it has become more so this week than most.
A.M and M.K, did you have any idea I was this wonked in the head???
One more thing...(I accidentally hit the post button) Slow and Steady wins the race, right??
Sunday, January 18, 2009
This past week...
This past week has been a full one, at least as far as the spectrum that my emotions have run.
At least 4 days this week, I seriously had no motivation to get to the gym. I only succumbed to one day though, so that is a victory! Then on my scheduled day off, I struggled with feelings of guilt that I was not at the gym. Crazy thoughts I know. (Note to self: Be careful that you don't swing to the opposite extreme of food obsession to exercise obsession. While it is good to exercise and work towards health, irrational feelings of guilt are not the direction I want to take exercise, jsu tleads to more disordered thinking instead of a wholly healthy me!)
I have had some fear and anxiety this week as the reality of moving home began to hit as I gathered boxes and at least began the mental/planning process of packing up my life. It seems that for many moments this week, the "peace" I had last week was gone. Doubts about my ability to keep this up came in again, especially as I struggled with motivation to go to the gym. Ultimately, I know I can and will keep it up. I know I am much stronger than ever before. I know I have what it takes. And I know I am not alone in this. The fear and anxiety are just feelings and they are temporal.
Then there is the time I spent with friends this week. Sitting at Founder's or travelling to the Piston's game, I am just noticing what I am going to miss. The easy comfort of conversation that covers everything from teasing to comfortable silence. From encouragement to the deep thoughts and purposes of life. The huge amounts of laughter at and with each other. Even as I type this though, one might think it is all depressing thinking of all that I will miss. While it is sad and I WILL miss this with these people terribly, I am somewhat excited to create something new with new people and in a new place.
The one question I have been getting all week long as the circle expands to who now knows I am leaving is, "Are you coming back?" and "How long is this for?"
I am trying not to dwell on those answers too much. My heart instantly goes to "of course I am coming back and as quickly as possible!" But that heart perspective is not going to be very helpful as I try to create something new in Detroit. People I meet and current friends and family will know my heart is not truly with them, if I am continuously focused on being back in West Michigan. So while I would love to be back, I don't know those answers. I don't know what God has for me. I don't know where He will send me next. But I do know, after driving around Detroit yesterday, that it doesn't feel like home yet. I felt like a visitor in the place I grew up. But that is just for now. Soon, I will make it my home again. Then I will have 2 homes and perhaps the best of both worlds! And it is this thought that helps the fear go away and that eases the anxiety.
On a final note and a completely different subject ( so I don't do a 3rd blog in one day!). Last week while watching TBL, Bob lost it on a girl who didn't seem to be trying. His request (ok demand) seemed simple enough. Run for 30 seconds at 6.5 on the treadmill. I have been running 30 second sprints like these at 4.5 for the last couple of weeks and thought, "good grief girl, just stay on the treadmill for a flipping 30 seconds and you will be done!" I was pretty harsh in my judgement of her and while she may not have been pushing herself as hard as she could, I decided to see just how hard 6.5 for 30 seconds really is. I went Wednesday after spin class for my 1st attempt. I don't know what I was thinking! I had no legs left! I could barely do my 4.5 sprints. What was I thinking trying to jump to 6.5!!! Thank God Coach Mike was there to speak some sense in to me. I went back Friday for attempt #2. I DID IT! One time. I am done with that for now. I will never judge a contestant so harshly again, at least not until I have run 30 seconds in their shoes. In reality, I could feel the impact on my feet. Jumping from 4.5 to 6.5 is probably not the best idea from an "I don't wanna get injured" perspective. So I am now safely tucked in at a 5.0 speed and will work on doing longer sprints for a while instead of speed.
At least 4 days this week, I seriously had no motivation to get to the gym. I only succumbed to one day though, so that is a victory! Then on my scheduled day off, I struggled with feelings of guilt that I was not at the gym. Crazy thoughts I know. (Note to self: Be careful that you don't swing to the opposite extreme of food obsession to exercise obsession. While it is good to exercise and work towards health, irrational feelings of guilt are not the direction I want to take exercise, jsu tleads to more disordered thinking instead of a wholly healthy me!)
I have had some fear and anxiety this week as the reality of moving home began to hit as I gathered boxes and at least began the mental/planning process of packing up my life. It seems that for many moments this week, the "peace" I had last week was gone. Doubts about my ability to keep this up came in again, especially as I struggled with motivation to go to the gym. Ultimately, I know I can and will keep it up. I know I am much stronger than ever before. I know I have what it takes. And I know I am not alone in this. The fear and anxiety are just feelings and they are temporal.
Then there is the time I spent with friends this week. Sitting at Founder's or travelling to the Piston's game, I am just noticing what I am going to miss. The easy comfort of conversation that covers everything from teasing to comfortable silence. From encouragement to the deep thoughts and purposes of life. The huge amounts of laughter at and with each other. Even as I type this though, one might think it is all depressing thinking of all that I will miss. While it is sad and I WILL miss this with these people terribly, I am somewhat excited to create something new with new people and in a new place.
The one question I have been getting all week long as the circle expands to who now knows I am leaving is, "Are you coming back?" and "How long is this for?"
I am trying not to dwell on those answers too much. My heart instantly goes to "of course I am coming back and as quickly as possible!" But that heart perspective is not going to be very helpful as I try to create something new in Detroit. People I meet and current friends and family will know my heart is not truly with them, if I am continuously focused on being back in West Michigan. So while I would love to be back, I don't know those answers. I don't know what God has for me. I don't know where He will send me next. But I do know, after driving around Detroit yesterday, that it doesn't feel like home yet. I felt like a visitor in the place I grew up. But that is just for now. Soon, I will make it my home again. Then I will have 2 homes and perhaps the best of both worlds! And it is this thought that helps the fear go away and that eases the anxiety.
On a final note and a completely different subject ( so I don't do a 3rd blog in one day!). Last week while watching TBL, Bob lost it on a girl who didn't seem to be trying. His request (ok demand) seemed simple enough. Run for 30 seconds at 6.5 on the treadmill. I have been running 30 second sprints like these at 4.5 for the last couple of weeks and thought, "good grief girl, just stay on the treadmill for a flipping 30 seconds and you will be done!" I was pretty harsh in my judgement of her and while she may not have been pushing herself as hard as she could, I decided to see just how hard 6.5 for 30 seconds really is. I went Wednesday after spin class for my 1st attempt. I don't know what I was thinking! I had no legs left! I could barely do my 4.5 sprints. What was I thinking trying to jump to 6.5!!! Thank God Coach Mike was there to speak some sense in to me. I went back Friday for attempt #2. I DID IT! One time. I am done with that for now. I will never judge a contestant so harshly again, at least not until I have run 30 seconds in their shoes. In reality, I could feel the impact on my feet. Jumping from 4.5 to 6.5 is probably not the best idea from an "I don't wanna get injured" perspective. So I am now safely tucked in at a 5.0 speed and will work on doing longer sprints for a while instead of speed.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Why oh WHY must my girls be among the first to leave me always??
I think men have it easy. When they lose weight it seems to come off evenly all over their body. But us women...not so much the case. Women in fact (insert "I") tend to lose weight from the top down. Namely our boobs (aka "the girls") are among the first to go.
**Note to the men** No worries fellas, if you keep reading this entry, it will not get any more graphic than this. I thought about censoring this post for your sakes, then decided not to. It is part of my story...and makes for a somewhat humorous angle of the weight loss journey....at least to us women anyway...you don't have to read it!
While I am excited to be losing weight, I am not excited about this particular loss. Mainly because of the cost to re-dress the girls. Items to support "the girls" are some of the most expensive pieces of fabric a woman owns. (Now this is a rant about the cost of brassieres!) But seriously folks, these items contain the least amount of fabric of anything else I would wear (with exception of a good power panty, of course)! And yet they cost the most to replace. It is one thing to replace them because they are old and you have gotten your money's worth from them, but what a waste to replace them before their life is over!
The industry knows us women. They know that on some level and in some odd sort of way, us women derive a portion of our self confidence from the items of clothing no one will ever see (at least in my case anyway-or until I am married) We pay big bucks to make sure the girls are well supported and dressed beautifully. I wonder what would happen if woman around the world went on strike and refused to pay these big bucks? Hmmm I don't think it will happen.
**Note to the men** No worries fellas, if you keep reading this entry, it will not get any more graphic than this. I thought about censoring this post for your sakes, then decided not to. It is part of my story...and makes for a somewhat humorous angle of the weight loss journey....at least to us women anyway...you don't have to read it!
While I am excited to be losing weight, I am not excited about this particular loss. Mainly because of the cost to re-dress the girls. Items to support "the girls" are some of the most expensive pieces of fabric a woman owns. (Now this is a rant about the cost of brassieres!) But seriously folks, these items contain the least amount of fabric of anything else I would wear (with exception of a good power panty, of course)! And yet they cost the most to replace. It is one thing to replace them because they are old and you have gotten your money's worth from them, but what a waste to replace them before their life is over!
The industry knows us women. They know that on some level and in some odd sort of way, us women derive a portion of our self confidence from the items of clothing no one will ever see (at least in my case anyway-or until I am married) We pay big bucks to make sure the girls are well supported and dressed beautifully. I wonder what would happen if woman around the world went on strike and refused to pay these big bucks? Hmmm I don't think it will happen.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
26 and counting!
I was quite excited to weigh in today for my "official" weigh in for the Tending the Temple Challenge. I already knew that I had lost weight as I have been tracking things pretty closely since increasing my calorie intake. But besides losing 3 LBS for the challenge I am quite excited to report that I am now able to cross off one of the goals in my sidebar. I have now lost more than 25 LBS!!
Now I am asking myself, "How does one celebrate when one is used to celebrating milestones with food?" Typically celebration looks like a dinner out at the favorite restaurant or a nice big bowl of ice cream or some other yummy something that is just no longer worth the calories to me. So, if you all have any suggestions for non-food related means of celebration I am ready to hear them! Because this is something to celebrate! I mean seriously! 26 lbs gone is....
The size of my 1 year old nephew (OMG I lost Cohen!!)
A small stack of college textbooks
I wonder how much Chugs weighs in the winter, perhaps I have lost Chugs too??
You get the idea....it is ALOT!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Big Changes are a comin'
Well, now that I have officially told all those that I wanted to share this news with first hand(at least those who read the blog anyway), I can now blog about what has occurred over the last week.
For those that don't know, I have been unemployed for the last year. During this past year, one might think it has been depressing and discouraging, but really God has used this time so hugely to encourage me, strengthen me, heal me, and show me what I have within me. I have learned much about myself in the last year. I could blog for days about all the many lessons I have learned, but I won't. You might get really bored! Plus, some of it is already in the blog archives. However, I will sum it up with this. Who I was a year ago, 6 months ago, and even 1 month ago is a completely different person than I am today. I am confident. I know I am beautiful. I know that I have what it takes for success. I am no longer dependent on others for my success, although it is fun to work out with the likes of Adam and Mike! I have a peace inside me that surpasses my earthly comprehension. I feel whole and complete and I know that I am enough, as I am today. No changes necessary.
With all that said, I am moving back to my hometown of Detroit. (For those not from West Michigan, "Detroit" is a relative term for the East side of the state.) A month ago you might have read a blog about what home is. At that time, I was struck with the idea of having to move from my beloved Grand Rapids, away from the people that have already learned how to support me(or put up with me :-) ), away from my church, and friends who are like family to me... and I was freaking out. Today, I am completely at peace with the decision to move back to Detroit and to establish a place called home there too. I know that I know that the drive and determination to stick with my fitness goals comes from within me and not from external forces (i.e my support system). I get myself to the gym everyday. I choose the food I eat. I choose to go when I don't want to and I choose to let people in to my struggle when I need help. Ultimately, I choose.
I don't think that going back to Detroit and living with family, where I learned poor health habits will be without struggle. I am very aware of what a struggle it may well be. But I am strong. Strong in mind and heart. I am getting physically stronger. I am emotionally stronger and gaining strength daily as I continue to learn to fully experience and not dismiss my feelings. I also know that while I may be 125 miles from my current support system physically, I will take them with me in my heart and via the phone, and email, facebook, and my blog. (I don't know when I will stop looking around the gym while on the treadmill lest Mike scare the living CRAP out of me-PTSD waiting to happen there! And I will probably forever hear Aaron's voice in my head reminding me to look at my heart and that the scale is not the only measure to healthiness-and even if I don't hear it, I have it saved in a text and on email. Then there is Adam very quietly saying "it's not a workout if you're not pushing yourself harder each time")
And when that mode of support doesn't work, I have Jen, Kristin, and Weez in Detroit waiting for me. But the greatest thing I have in Detroit is my brother, Ken. Ken, who quietly made me steamed veggies at Christmas because the other veggies were no longer healthy. Ken, who while travelling in TN, picked me up some of my yogurts so I would at least have that as an option while visiting family. Ken, You have no IDEA what those 2 acts of support have meant to me! You can downplay it all you want, but I am the one your acts of kindness impacted. I have been telling all of Grand Rapids about your quiet support and now all of blogdom knows I have a fantastic brother!
SO bring on the struggle, Satan, you won't win, not this time! (OK, really Satan you can lay off the struggle a bit...but even if you don't YOU ARE GOING DOWN!!!)
I leave you with one of my favorite verses. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
For those that don't know, I have been unemployed for the last year. During this past year, one might think it has been depressing and discouraging, but really God has used this time so hugely to encourage me, strengthen me, heal me, and show me what I have within me. I have learned much about myself in the last year. I could blog for days about all the many lessons I have learned, but I won't. You might get really bored! Plus, some of it is already in the blog archives. However, I will sum it up with this. Who I was a year ago, 6 months ago, and even 1 month ago is a completely different person than I am today. I am confident. I know I am beautiful. I know that I have what it takes for success. I am no longer dependent on others for my success, although it is fun to work out with the likes of Adam and Mike! I have a peace inside me that surpasses my earthly comprehension. I feel whole and complete and I know that I am enough, as I am today. No changes necessary.
With all that said, I am moving back to my hometown of Detroit. (For those not from West Michigan, "Detroit" is a relative term for the East side of the state.) A month ago you might have read a blog about what home is. At that time, I was struck with the idea of having to move from my beloved Grand Rapids, away from the people that have already learned how to support me(or put up with me :-) ), away from my church, and friends who are like family to me... and I was freaking out. Today, I am completely at peace with the decision to move back to Detroit and to establish a place called home there too. I know that I know that the drive and determination to stick with my fitness goals comes from within me and not from external forces (i.e my support system). I get myself to the gym everyday. I choose the food I eat. I choose to go when I don't want to and I choose to let people in to my struggle when I need help. Ultimately, I choose.
I don't think that going back to Detroit and living with family, where I learned poor health habits will be without struggle. I am very aware of what a struggle it may well be. But I am strong. Strong in mind and heart. I am getting physically stronger. I am emotionally stronger and gaining strength daily as I continue to learn to fully experience and not dismiss my feelings. I also know that while I may be 125 miles from my current support system physically, I will take them with me in my heart and via the phone, and email, facebook, and my blog. (I don't know when I will stop looking around the gym while on the treadmill lest Mike scare the living CRAP out of me-PTSD waiting to happen there! And I will probably forever hear Aaron's voice in my head reminding me to look at my heart and that the scale is not the only measure to healthiness-and even if I don't hear it, I have it saved in a text and on email. Then there is Adam very quietly saying "it's not a workout if you're not pushing yourself harder each time")
And when that mode of support doesn't work, I have Jen, Kristin, and Weez in Detroit waiting for me. But the greatest thing I have in Detroit is my brother, Ken. Ken, who quietly made me steamed veggies at Christmas because the other veggies were no longer healthy. Ken, who while travelling in TN, picked me up some of my yogurts so I would at least have that as an option while visiting family. Ken, You have no IDEA what those 2 acts of support have meant to me! You can downplay it all you want, but I am the one your acts of kindness impacted. I have been telling all of Grand Rapids about your quiet support and now all of blogdom knows I have a fantastic brother!
SO bring on the struggle, Satan, you won't win, not this time! (OK, really Satan you can lay off the struggle a bit...but even if you don't YOU ARE GOING DOWN!!!)
I leave you with one of my favorite verses. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Prolonged Calorie Deficit?
Yesterday I had a great workout! I ran sprints for 20 minutes before a spin class, then did the spin class, then ran for another 20 minutes, then swam a bit (not long cuz I started shivering so bad, I had to get out) I probably burned at least 1200 calories based on this handy calculator my friend gave me. http://primusweb.com/fitnesspartner/jumpsite/calculat.htm Even with the calculator it is still a rough estimate. While I was on the treadmill for 40 minutes total...I was only actually RUNNING for 20 minutes of that time because of how I do the sprints. However, it could still be more because my heart rate was still up even during my rest periods.
I came home really hungry and at my planned dinner. An hour later I was hungry as though I had not eaten yet. This was interesting to me as I am a girl who got to where I am today because I would eat regardless of hunger and most of the time, never let myself get to a point of actually feeling hungry. I ate because food was there, because it was "time to eat", to avoid emotions, as a distraction, to celebrate something good...and even now when I am focusing on weight loss...for fuel, eating every couple hours because I know it is good to do that. Feeling this hungry is somewhat new and puzzling.
All of this prompted a conversation I was having with a friend about how many calories I am eating a day. I have to say that this friend of mine is no dummy. And when he speaks, I generally listen. When he gives his advise or opinion I can rest assured that if I asked he could probably give me at least 3 valid sources for why he thinks the way he does as he has researched whatever "it" is to the nth degree. And while he is no Dr. or nutritionist or personal trainer of any kind, I know he has done lots of research on fitness and health as he reaches for his own goals. All this to say, I trust him when he says, "Kim, I think you are in a prolonged calorie deficit and may be causing more harm than good."
We did some calculations with some online calculators. We talked at length about my exercise levels and food intake levels, even gave him my food log. Talked about body temperature and my ability to maintain a good temperature. All sorts of things were discussed for several hours. And after all of it, we came to the conclusion that despite all my hard work, I probably have not been eating enough to maintain regular body functions and support my exercise levels without my body feeling like it is going into a starvation mode. I should be more at like 1700-1800 calories a day.
While this is good to learn and know as I learn about my body and nutrition and exercise and the whole shabang, it is quite discouraging. It also explains why the results don't seem to be showing on the scale. So I have asked a friend who is a nutritionist to meet with me, to see if she would be willing to help me figure this piece out.
The fear in all of this for me is this. I have spent my whole life focused on food. Finally I have come to a point where food is not my primary focus or my source of comfort. Instead exercise and health is. And at least for now, I have to put the focus back on the food to make sure that I do not do more harm than good and so that I can reach my ultimate goal. I just want balance and I want to be healthy.
I came home really hungry and at my planned dinner. An hour later I was hungry as though I had not eaten yet. This was interesting to me as I am a girl who got to where I am today because I would eat regardless of hunger and most of the time, never let myself get to a point of actually feeling hungry. I ate because food was there, because it was "time to eat", to avoid emotions, as a distraction, to celebrate something good...and even now when I am focusing on weight loss...for fuel, eating every couple hours because I know it is good to do that. Feeling this hungry is somewhat new and puzzling.
All of this prompted a conversation I was having with a friend about how many calories I am eating a day. I have to say that this friend of mine is no dummy. And when he speaks, I generally listen. When he gives his advise or opinion I can rest assured that if I asked he could probably give me at least 3 valid sources for why he thinks the way he does as he has researched whatever "it" is to the nth degree. And while he is no Dr. or nutritionist or personal trainer of any kind, I know he has done lots of research on fitness and health as he reaches for his own goals. All this to say, I trust him when he says, "Kim, I think you are in a prolonged calorie deficit and may be causing more harm than good."
We did some calculations with some online calculators. We talked at length about my exercise levels and food intake levels, even gave him my food log. Talked about body temperature and my ability to maintain a good temperature. All sorts of things were discussed for several hours. And after all of it, we came to the conclusion that despite all my hard work, I probably have not been eating enough to maintain regular body functions and support my exercise levels without my body feeling like it is going into a starvation mode. I should be more at like 1700-1800 calories a day.
While this is good to learn and know as I learn about my body and nutrition and exercise and the whole shabang, it is quite discouraging. It also explains why the results don't seem to be showing on the scale. So I have asked a friend who is a nutritionist to meet with me, to see if she would be willing to help me figure this piece out.
The fear in all of this for me is this. I have spent my whole life focused on food. Finally I have come to a point where food is not my primary focus or my source of comfort. Instead exercise and health is. And at least for now, I have to put the focus back on the food to make sure that I do not do more harm than good and so that I can reach my ultimate goal. I just want balance and I want to be healthy.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Goal Dress
While in Tennessee for Christmas, my drop dead gorgeous cousin (if I didn't love her so much I would hate her) showed me this dress. I told her that no matter how long it takes, she is NOT allowed to get rid of it until I can fit into it. Here is a picture of my cousin and a picture of the dress. Isn't it sexy?? I love it!! Can you just imagine me in this? I cannot yet...but I want to be able to. With that said, I am gonna grab a bite to eat then go run before spin class!!
One final photo, is me as I am today. I will take another one in the same outfit in a couple months and see where I am then.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Random Thoughts
Random Thought #1. Having been a person for so long that had to process through everything on a head level to be able to figure out what I "must be" feeling (because it makes sense to feel that way based on the situation), it is interesting to notice feelings and reactions to things so much sooner. It is good to feel things as they are happening and to be able to deal with the feelings and the situation so much sooner, before it has a chance to get in the way of a relationship or stop me from achieving my goals. I feel like a crazy woman sometimes as I am completely happy and content with everything one minute then crying the next or angry or....you get the picture. The interesting thing is this is not crazy, this is called emotional health!
Random Thought #2. It is amazing to me how one day I can be super excited about something and the next...not so much. I have been super excited that I have started running sprints. I know it has only been 2 days. It is new and something I have never done before. It is a milestone in my fitness achievements. It is definitely something to be celebrated. And yet tonight, I was not wanting to run. Oh I wanted to be at the gym. And I wanted to work out. I just did not want to run. But I did, because 1. I know it is a great cardio workout. 2. I need as much cardio as I can get as I work to lose weight and ultimately I want to lose weight more than I don't want to run.
So, as I ran my 30 second sprints for my 30 minute set. I wanted so bad to quit. I was looking for aches and pains that might not be quite right that would let me off the hook. There were none. Yes my legs were tired and at times my breathing was incredibly labored, but I know what to do there....rest a little longer between sprints or slow it down a bit. I kept telling myself that if I really don't want to run tonight, that is fine, I can walk...after I finish what I started. For me, unless there was some sort of physical injury, I had to finish the 30 minute set but I could choose not to start a 2nd 30 minute set. I finished and decided to try the elliptical machine for the rest of my hour of cardio work. I hated that more than I hated running (and that only took 30 seconds to determine that)...so I ran again.
This new mentality to finish what I start because I said so is pretty cool. It shows that I am getting stronger and have what it takes to keep going despite the odds. It shows that even if I don't have someone there pushing me, I can push myself. It shows that I can do this.
I like that feeling. We will see what feelings are brought tomorrow at spin class...perhaps I will renew my enjoyment of running in lieu of a hatred for spin class! Or perhaps I will find some measure of enjoyment, now that I have already done it once and know what to expect.
Random Thought #3. Last random thought, then I am going to post this thing...2 liters of water is not enough when I am working out as hard as I am. I have had a headache 3 days in a row and I can pinch my skin and it doesn't go back immediately.
Random Thought #2. It is amazing to me how one day I can be super excited about something and the next...not so much. I have been super excited that I have started running sprints. I know it has only been 2 days. It is new and something I have never done before. It is a milestone in my fitness achievements. It is definitely something to be celebrated. And yet tonight, I was not wanting to run. Oh I wanted to be at the gym. And I wanted to work out. I just did not want to run. But I did, because 1. I know it is a great cardio workout. 2. I need as much cardio as I can get as I work to lose weight and ultimately I want to lose weight more than I don't want to run.
So, as I ran my 30 second sprints for my 30 minute set. I wanted so bad to quit. I was looking for aches and pains that might not be quite right that would let me off the hook. There were none. Yes my legs were tired and at times my breathing was incredibly labored, but I know what to do there....rest a little longer between sprints or slow it down a bit. I kept telling myself that if I really don't want to run tonight, that is fine, I can walk...after I finish what I started. For me, unless there was some sort of physical injury, I had to finish the 30 minute set but I could choose not to start a 2nd 30 minute set. I finished and decided to try the elliptical machine for the rest of my hour of cardio work. I hated that more than I hated running (and that only took 30 seconds to determine that)...so I ran again.
This new mentality to finish what I start because I said so is pretty cool. It shows that I am getting stronger and have what it takes to keep going despite the odds. It shows that even if I don't have someone there pushing me, I can push myself. It shows that I can do this.
I like that feeling. We will see what feelings are brought tomorrow at spin class...perhaps I will renew my enjoyment of running in lieu of a hatred for spin class! Or perhaps I will find some measure of enjoyment, now that I have already done it once and know what to expect.
Random Thought #3. Last random thought, then I am going to post this thing...2 liters of water is not enough when I am working out as hard as I am. I have had a headache 3 days in a row and I can pinch my skin and it doesn't go back immediately.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
more things Beautiful!
Today I ran.
Over the summer I tried running a little bit. I would go to an unlit track, late at night, with a friend who was sworn to secrecy about my attempts at running. There were several reasons for this. The first being that a 300+ pound woman running is not a pretty sight and at the time, I thought no one should be subjected to that. The second reason being that I did not want anyone to know, lest I fail and am not able to do it. And the third and most ridiculous reason is that if I start running, and people know about it, then perhaps there will be higher expectations of what I can do and therefore, less room for slacking. Yep just being honest here folks!
Over the past several months I have been walking a lot on the treadmill, but thought running would not happen again until warmer weather when I could go back to that unlit track. I have been increasing my speed and the amount of time I spend on the treadmill but had not run on it yet. Today, as I was walking I thought, I am practically jogging now, perhaps if I just changed how I moved it would become a jog. Without a second thought or a look around to see if anyone was watching, I hit the accelerator a couple more times and moved into a run. I ran for 15 seconds...then slowed down....then I did 30 seconds....slow down....then I did 1.5 minutes and I thought..."I am running! I can do this!"
I finished out my first 40 minutes on the treadmill playing around with increasing and decreasing my speed to running and walking then went and did some weight machine stuff. When I finished that I still had another 40 minutes to be at the gym as I had committed to 2 hours today and the treadmill was calling my name.
I got back on and after 10 minutes I decided I would do the 30 second sprint things I see all the time on The Biggest Loser where they jump onto the side rails of the treadmill then back on again. I ran for 30 seconds and rested for 30 seconds for almost 25 minutes. Sometimes I would run a little longer or rest a little longer, but I never rested for more than a minute.
You should have seen me. I was a grinning, sweating, smelly fool! I was counting down my 30 seconds when I wanted to stop, out loud and everything. I no longer cared what anybody else thought about me running. And when I wanted to stop all together and my old me tried to rationalize that I had done enough, the new me shouted back that I am not a quitter and I can do this...I am doing this! I can do more than I ever thought possible! I can exceed my own expectations, let alone anyone else's. And the sight of a 333 lb woman running...I imagine it was Beautiful!
Over the summer I tried running a little bit. I would go to an unlit track, late at night, with a friend who was sworn to secrecy about my attempts at running. There were several reasons for this. The first being that a 300+ pound woman running is not a pretty sight and at the time, I thought no one should be subjected to that. The second reason being that I did not want anyone to know, lest I fail and am not able to do it. And the third and most ridiculous reason is that if I start running, and people know about it, then perhaps there will be higher expectations of what I can do and therefore, less room for slacking. Yep just being honest here folks!
Over the past several months I have been walking a lot on the treadmill, but thought running would not happen again until warmer weather when I could go back to that unlit track. I have been increasing my speed and the amount of time I spend on the treadmill but had not run on it yet. Today, as I was walking I thought, I am practically jogging now, perhaps if I just changed how I moved it would become a jog. Without a second thought or a look around to see if anyone was watching, I hit the accelerator a couple more times and moved into a run. I ran for 15 seconds...then slowed down....then I did 30 seconds....slow down....then I did 1.5 minutes and I thought..."I am running! I can do this!"
I finished out my first 40 minutes on the treadmill playing around with increasing and decreasing my speed to running and walking then went and did some weight machine stuff. When I finished that I still had another 40 minutes to be at the gym as I had committed to 2 hours today and the treadmill was calling my name.
I got back on and after 10 minutes I decided I would do the 30 second sprint things I see all the time on The Biggest Loser where they jump onto the side rails of the treadmill then back on again. I ran for 30 seconds and rested for 30 seconds for almost 25 minutes. Sometimes I would run a little longer or rest a little longer, but I never rested for more than a minute.
You should have seen me. I was a grinning, sweating, smelly fool! I was counting down my 30 seconds when I wanted to stop, out loud and everything. I no longer cared what anybody else thought about me running. And when I wanted to stop all together and my old me tried to rationalize that I had done enough, the new me shouted back that I am not a quitter and I can do this...I am doing this! I can do more than I ever thought possible! I can exceed my own expectations, let alone anyone else's. And the sight of a 333 lb woman running...I imagine it was Beautiful!
The beginnings of a new body
When one has been fat her whole life, it is hard to imagine what a body might look like or feel like as the weight comes off. I have even heard that many people who have been seriously over weight for such a long period of time as I have, have trouble seeing their new body as it really is and not as it was. I hope that doesn't become the case with me, and I have reason to hope that it won't.
This may sound weird, but I was noticing yesterday the tenderness in the muscles that I used in my workout. I noticed that my stomach was sore and of course I know that means somewhere underneath everything else lies some muscles called abs. :-) I noticed that my calves were a bit tender and as I rubbed them I noticed how they are rock solid when flexed. That means more muscle....although as I continue to lose weight I hope I lose some, not all, of that too! I then noticed my arms and when I attempted to flex a muscle...one actually popped up. OK, not up but there was definitely a point at which I no longer felt fleshy fatty skin and it also wasn't quite bone either. But the muscle I am most tickled by is my butt!! I actually have one! A butt muscle that is. Technically they are called glutes, I know, but it is much more fun to say butt! Did you know that the gluteous maximus is the strongest muscle in the body?
"The "gluteus maximus" is the strongest muscle in the body and covers a large part of the buttock. It connects the ilium, sacrum, and coccyx to the femur by tissues of the thigh and acts to extend the thigh. The gluteus maximus causes the leg to straighten at the hip when a person walks, runs, or climbs. It is also used to raise the body from a sitting position." quoted at this website http://www.innerbody.com/image/musfov.html
And now I have one of those!!! Without it, I wouldn't be able to do much of anything using my lower body!
This may seem humorous and weird to all you people who have never struggled with weight or weight loss, but to me this is incredibly delightful! What an exciting thing to celebrate as my body slowly but surely is coming back in line with the way God intended it to be. Strong and healthy. It is something to celebrate regardless of whether the lbs go down on the scale or not.
So while I am in a good place today...to all of you who read and are struggling with weight loss too. Take note of your body today and enjoy the changes that are taking place. The scale is not the only measure of becoming healthy.
This may sound weird, but I was noticing yesterday the tenderness in the muscles that I used in my workout. I noticed that my stomach was sore and of course I know that means somewhere underneath everything else lies some muscles called abs. :-) I noticed that my calves were a bit tender and as I rubbed them I noticed how they are rock solid when flexed. That means more muscle....although as I continue to lose weight I hope I lose some, not all, of that too! I then noticed my arms and when I attempted to flex a muscle...one actually popped up. OK, not up but there was definitely a point at which I no longer felt fleshy fatty skin and it also wasn't quite bone either. But the muscle I am most tickled by is my butt!! I actually have one! A butt muscle that is. Technically they are called glutes, I know, but it is much more fun to say butt! Did you know that the gluteous maximus is the strongest muscle in the body?
"The "gluteus maximus" is the strongest muscle in the body and covers a large part of the buttock. It connects the ilium, sacrum, and coccyx to the femur by tissues of the thigh and acts to extend the thigh. The gluteus maximus causes the leg to straighten at the hip when a person walks, runs, or climbs. It is also used to raise the body from a sitting position." quoted at this website http://www.innerbody.com/image/musfov.html
And now I have one of those!!! Without it, I wouldn't be able to do much of anything using my lower body!
This may seem humorous and weird to all you people who have never struggled with weight or weight loss, but to me this is incredibly delightful! What an exciting thing to celebrate as my body slowly but surely is coming back in line with the way God intended it to be. Strong and healthy. It is something to celebrate regardless of whether the lbs go down on the scale or not.
So while I am in a good place today...to all of you who read and are struggling with weight loss too. Take note of your body today and enjoy the changes that are taking place. The scale is not the only measure of becoming healthy.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Bye Bye 2008
It is customary to at least think about the last year of one's life as a new year begins, is it not? However, I am moody and crabby and just wanna eat chocolate and don't wanna think about life....but the logical, non-emotional side of me says it might be a good idea to think about where I have been and where I am heading.
As I think about the last year, I have been re-reading blog entries and looking at photos that have chronicled my year and I have begun to see a theme. Relationships and Dependence. Usually the word dependence is looked at as a negative thing and as much as I don't like the thought of being dependent on another for anything ( I like to be self-sufficient), I have come to know over this past year that I cannot do life alone. And while God is a constant companion that will never leave me nor forsake me, He has given me many "Jesus' with skin on" to help me along the way.
I started 2008 being asked to serve on a Discovery team, not sure I had anything good to offer. I was feeling sapped of energy and life as my time with my employer was coming to a close. I said yes to that team experience on condition that I would do my job and nothing else. I would not be at the training or attend meetings or anything else. I just didn't have it in me to give that much. I just couldn't DO it. Very quickly I began to see how much energy and life God brings when one simply says yes to Him. When I am empty of all I have to give...somehow there is still more. How incredible to experience being Enough, as I am, in this moment, no matter how little I think I have, it is really just about being me...in relationship with others.
I competed in a Triathlon as part of a Relay team. While it seems like no big deal to many to swim 500 meters, it was a big deal for me. I have never considered myself to be an athlete or an athletic person, but I discovered I really enjoy swimming. And while many may say "but you only did one leg of a triathlon", I know it is one more leg than I have ever done before. It is a beginning. I never would have believed I could do something like that, had others not believed for me and in me first. And really if Jen had not gone first in 2007, I don't know if I would have done it, even if others had believed in me.
While I have been in counseling for a while, it seemed that 2008 was the year God had for me to confront my sexual abuse story head on. I have avoided this topic outside of generalities for years, often minimizing what happened and its effects on me. But for some reason God chose this year to be the year that I could no longer avoid this. It seems everywhere I went and no matter who I was with, this subject would come up in some way whether in an actual conversation or at least in thought. All of this led me to begin a healing course at church called "Retelling God's story for your life". I don't even have words for all the things I learned in this class or it's impact on me. The only word I can think of is Grace. Grace as I took an honest look at my story in full detail. Grace as I processed all of it. Grace as I began to see it's effects on my life and in my relationships. Grace as I let myself off the hook for what happened. Grace as I confronted my anger, fear and pain. Grace as I felt God move in and make camp with me. Grace as I wept many tears over many hours, sometimes alone and sometimes with dear friends. Grace.
And of course in 2008, I became 23 lbs healthier. I started a journey not just about weight loss but about becoming all around healthy. Most of this journey has been written about in previous posts so I wont go on about it all. But I will say this. I could not have done any of this alone. I am thankful and grateful for the friends who have come alongside me and did life with me.
For Jen-for going first in Triathlon, for leading by example what true faith is and stepping out of your comfort zone, for "covering me on all sides", and for all the conversations.
For Jason-for being an anchor during Retelling when all I wanted to do was run out of those doors. For calling to check on me after a particularly hard night at class, for hours of conversation, and for sharing your own story with me.
For Aaron-for having the courage to tell me you didn't know how to support me but that you wanted to, that you wanted to be a part of this thing I was doing (however undefined I have made it), for always pointing me back to my heart and out of my head, for being willing to say hard things and ask hard questions, and for always encouraging me and believing in me.
For Mike-For helping me to get my ass to the gym when I really did not want to go. For all the "chats" we have had, all of your encouraging words, for seeing the beauty within me before i saw it myself. You seem to believe I can do anything and somehow you make me believe too.
For Greg-your text messages, your hugs, your friendship. It got me through many tough days!
For Laurie- for being willing to introduce me to running...although that is on hold for warmer weather. :-)
For Lisa-You always point me back to Jesus even from halfway around the world!
For Adam-You make me smile my friend! And it is soo motivating doing Y classes with you! While we don't usually do the same things at the gym, it is incredibly motivating to know I am there with someone. Thanks so much for working out with me so very often! You have no idea what an impact you have had on my journey!
And finally, for Kenny-the only family so far to know about this blog. We don't really talk about what I have written here, but I know you check here often to see what I have written about and that encourages me to keep writing, because no matter how many friends I have, I really want to be known and understood by my family. Thank you for caring enough to read. Perhaps sometime we will actually talk about it.
Thank your for a great 2008. I look forward to doing life in 2009 with all of you, not just those mentioned here. Our journey is not over until we meet at Heaven's gate and I don't know about you, but I don't want to walk alone. In fact, I cannot do it alone. I am dependent on each one of you to walk with me and I with you and at times for us to carry each other.
As I think about the last year, I have been re-reading blog entries and looking at photos that have chronicled my year and I have begun to see a theme. Relationships and Dependence. Usually the word dependence is looked at as a negative thing and as much as I don't like the thought of being dependent on another for anything ( I like to be self-sufficient), I have come to know over this past year that I cannot do life alone. And while God is a constant companion that will never leave me nor forsake me, He has given me many "Jesus' with skin on" to help me along the way.
I started 2008 being asked to serve on a Discovery team, not sure I had anything good to offer. I was feeling sapped of energy and life as my time with my employer was coming to a close. I said yes to that team experience on condition that I would do my job and nothing else. I would not be at the training or attend meetings or anything else. I just didn't have it in me to give that much. I just couldn't DO it. Very quickly I began to see how much energy and life God brings when one simply says yes to Him. When I am empty of all I have to give...somehow there is still more. How incredible to experience being Enough, as I am, in this moment, no matter how little I think I have, it is really just about being me...in relationship with others.
I competed in a Triathlon as part of a Relay team. While it seems like no big deal to many to swim 500 meters, it was a big deal for me. I have never considered myself to be an athlete or an athletic person, but I discovered I really enjoy swimming. And while many may say "but you only did one leg of a triathlon", I know it is one more leg than I have ever done before. It is a beginning. I never would have believed I could do something like that, had others not believed for me and in me first. And really if Jen had not gone first in 2007, I don't know if I would have done it, even if others had believed in me.
While I have been in counseling for a while, it seemed that 2008 was the year God had for me to confront my sexual abuse story head on. I have avoided this topic outside of generalities for years, often minimizing what happened and its effects on me. But for some reason God chose this year to be the year that I could no longer avoid this. It seems everywhere I went and no matter who I was with, this subject would come up in some way whether in an actual conversation or at least in thought. All of this led me to begin a healing course at church called "Retelling God's story for your life". I don't even have words for all the things I learned in this class or it's impact on me. The only word I can think of is Grace. Grace as I took an honest look at my story in full detail. Grace as I processed all of it. Grace as I began to see it's effects on my life and in my relationships. Grace as I let myself off the hook for what happened. Grace as I confronted my anger, fear and pain. Grace as I felt God move in and make camp with me. Grace as I wept many tears over many hours, sometimes alone and sometimes with dear friends. Grace.
And of course in 2008, I became 23 lbs healthier. I started a journey not just about weight loss but about becoming all around healthy. Most of this journey has been written about in previous posts so I wont go on about it all. But I will say this. I could not have done any of this alone. I am thankful and grateful for the friends who have come alongside me and did life with me.
For Jen-for going first in Triathlon, for leading by example what true faith is and stepping out of your comfort zone, for "covering me on all sides", and for all the conversations.
For Jason-for being an anchor during Retelling when all I wanted to do was run out of those doors. For calling to check on me after a particularly hard night at class, for hours of conversation, and for sharing your own story with me.
For Aaron-for having the courage to tell me you didn't know how to support me but that you wanted to, that you wanted to be a part of this thing I was doing (however undefined I have made it), for always pointing me back to my heart and out of my head, for being willing to say hard things and ask hard questions, and for always encouraging me and believing in me.
For Mike-For helping me to get my ass to the gym when I really did not want to go. For all the "chats" we have had, all of your encouraging words, for seeing the beauty within me before i saw it myself. You seem to believe I can do anything and somehow you make me believe too.
For Greg-your text messages, your hugs, your friendship. It got me through many tough days!
For Laurie- for being willing to introduce me to running...although that is on hold for warmer weather. :-)
For Lisa-You always point me back to Jesus even from halfway around the world!
For Adam-You make me smile my friend! And it is soo motivating doing Y classes with you! While we don't usually do the same things at the gym, it is incredibly motivating to know I am there with someone. Thanks so much for working out with me so very often! You have no idea what an impact you have had on my journey!
And finally, for Kenny-the only family so far to know about this blog. We don't really talk about what I have written here, but I know you check here often to see what I have written about and that encourages me to keep writing, because no matter how many friends I have, I really want to be known and understood by my family. Thank you for caring enough to read. Perhaps sometime we will actually talk about it.
Thank your for a great 2008. I look forward to doing life in 2009 with all of you, not just those mentioned here. Our journey is not over until we meet at Heaven's gate and I don't know about you, but I don't want to walk alone. In fact, I cannot do it alone. I am dependent on each one of you to walk with me and I with you and at times for us to carry each other.
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