Some of you have been wondering where I have been since my last post. I have gotten the emails! For those of you that saw my highly positive posts for the first 10 weeks of 2009, you might have begun to wonder if I ever had a bad day or a "rough patch". Well, this past week should be enough to know that yes I am indeed human. I do fail and fail miserably. Or as one might say...fail magnificently!
It has been a really rough week. For the first time in a really long time...possibly as far back as November, I went "driving for food". I started out going to get a movie to match my already dark mood and every single convenience store, fast food place, and gas station was calling out to me...to just stop in and see what they had. Fortunately, I managed to keep the car heading straight despite the almost physical pulling of the wheel to turn in. I actually only stopped one place and exercised some measure of restraint. I WANTED to get a whole meal deal super sized plus ice cream! I ended up with one ice cream cone. Ice cream in hand I headed to the video store for my "dark" movie. Upon entering the store with said ice cream in hand...I got a text message from Aaron. Sadly, I ignored it until the ice cream cone was gone. Only to see a message that reminded me to keep my vision in front of me. GRRRR...
In the grand scheme of things, one frozen yogurt from McD's is not all that bad actually. What makes it bad for me is that it was solely an attempt to feed the darkness in my soul. It has been a long time since it has been this bad, I truly forgot how bad it could get when all I want to do is numb out and STOP FEELING. Yet, I also know that isn't what I want to do either. Feeling things means I am alive and well and healthy!
SO I spent a few days, each day trying again to make good choices to start afresh again and again...each time failing. It began to get so overwhelming and even more depressing. I am better than this, right? Stronger than this, right? I know what to do but is it really just a matter of making a choice to eat right? I think sometimes the choice is to just keep getting up. Even if you only stay up for 2 seconds before getting knocked down again.
Sunday, I knew might be rough, given my lingering mood. Holiday meal with family. Family who all now know about my weight loss efforts thanks to the Pound for a Cause fundraiser. While I don't regret saying yes to this, it does add pressure. In the end, there really wasn't anything healthy served, it was one of our typical family meals. But outside of that, the day started with mom being food police there making several comments about what I am allowed to have or should/shouldn't have until I finally looked at her and just told her to "shut up". Yes, I told my mom to shut up, in those words. We have already had this conversation about her not being my food police, so I feel justified. I may be wrong, but for now I feel justified.
As for quantity of food I did ok. But I have no idea about calories. In fact, I have no idea about actual calorie intake for the last week or so. While I was back and forth to GR, I wasn't logging in my spreadsheet but I was at least keeping a mental tally. This past bit, I just didn't.
I know this is depressing to read, but I feel a bit like this is a time for confession. Own it all, and keep going...again.
SO last night I made a decision. I am tired of the dark mood controlling me. Enough is Enough already! This madness has got to stop! I decided that on Monday (today) I would fast. I would fast and get the crappy foods out of me for at least one day. Then begin again on Tuesday. So far so good. While I am hungry and was tempted by the little danish things they had at my Census Bureau Training today, I am doing good. I feel more in control, like I have a fighting chance now! I think it helps my mood as well to have something productive to do that will bring in money. I have purpose again...at least for 4-6 weeks.
Tomorrow I weigh in. I have no expectations but am sure I will be disappointed if I I miss the 50 lb milestone again. Hopefully, the disappointment won't be all consuming again. Reality says I should consider myself lucky if I hold steady. We will see. I have to admit, I have been tempted to "forget" to go and therefore giving myself an extra day. So instead of falling prey to that little demon, I called the Dr.'s office where I weigh in. They open at 7:30 AM. If I want a morning weigh in or to weigh in before I eat anything, I must be there by 8 AM...otherwise I have to wait and go after my training...at 5:30 PM. I would rather weigh in with nothing in me. So....tomorrow morning it will be.
For now, I am going to change out of my work clothes and go to the local track and see if I can't walk/run something off of me.
This is me....getting up again for about the 100th time in a week...
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Monday, April 13, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Meltdown Mania!
I had a meltdown today folks. A serious one...crying, sobbing really. Today should have been the day that I could write in here and shout from the rooftops that I have reached a milestone. That I had lost 50 LBS! Today should have been a day of celebration and victory. Instead, I had to text my guys, who have been excitedly waiting for this as well, news of a gain. Instead I am here to say I gained .5 a lb. I know, in the grand scheme of things .5 lb is not much. It is really small potatoes and does not change the fact that I have lost 49 lbs. But it is not the news I wanted to share.
The crux of the meltdown came with the fear that perhaps this time really ISN'T different. That perhaps I have not grown, changed, or been healed enough, to go farther than I have before. I have never made it past 60 lbs in any single attempt at weight loss. Fear, disappoint, discouragement. My wonky thoughts were back in full force, screaming that I can't do this! That I don't have what it takes!
Faintly in the background I could hear Coach shouting that I am still in transition...this time IS different...you can Do this Thang! You are learning what is gonna work for you there. But those other voices were far louder. Most of all of me was feeling like, I am on a downward spiral. This is how my stalling out happened "the last time". Small gain here, hold steady there, even a loss thrown in now and then. I don't want to believe the voices that say I am giving up just like last time. That I am getting scared (of what I don't know, but fear is there) and starting my slipping away.
Still in the background, I can hear Aaron saying things like, stay connected...I believe in you. You are making such an impact. But again those other voices were far louder.
I do not want those voices to win. I do not want fear to win again. But I have to admit, part of me is feeling great pressure. Between the fundraiser I wrote about and my own expectations it is feeling overwhelming.
Here is what Aaron said to me that really started to break through those other voices. All of my positive self talk was NOT working, when he said this (gosh Aaron, I hope you don't mind that I publish your words so often, but you say such wise things that so many can be encouraged by)
"While hoping for the milestone, I wasn't surprised about the gain. Not at ALL because I didn't believe in you but because the stakes in this are continually being raised and I'm sure the enemy is on full alert doing whatever he can to stop this. You and your impact, Kim L are a fork in the devil's eye because he stands opposed to the tidal wave of healing and goodness that you and your journey represent. The lies, self-talk, and other bullshit are all attempts to halt or divert you from the exponential impact you are having bringing heaven to earth. The devil is trying to put YOU in a box, silly him!!! This is war and it won't be easy, but oh how much greater is HE that is within you than he that is in the world. Feel and believe that!"
Email is often a poor way to share an emotion, but as I read these words the first time and many times over today, I could feel the passion in his words...it is as if Truth was fighting to be heard in my head and heart, over the other wonky voices screaming in my head, all the way from GR. It was heard Aaron, loud and clear, and oh so true. I have been fighting soo hard to not box myself in. Working hard to not live in such a way that I am safe all the time. A life worth living involves risk and courage. I refuse to let someone else box me in, especially the slimy devil who is just out to protect himself! I refuse to give in to the bullshit lies! I just may need help deciphering the lies from truth from time to time.
Tonight I was talking to Teresa and she said something about not looking too far ahead. But just looking at today. It resonated. I have been looking at 178 lbs to go, 50 goals on my goal list-ok maybe not 50 but at least 25, I have been seeing the pressure of the fundraiser, wondering where my TBL video is gonna go, if not on the show, and what am I gonna do about a job!! That is a lot of pressure folks! Sooo I am gonna try this method of thinking and see how it works. For now...all I have to do is eat well and exercise today. TODAY. I can decide again tomorrow to go again. This reminds me of the scripture that says, "DO not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." Perhaps I should try and follow the wisdom of the Bible for a change!:-)
I am grateful that I have friends willing to get loud for me, willing to fight for me when I cannot fight for myself, cuz I am just bogged down. I am glad that they don't give up on me or think I am too much. Friends who are willing to just listen and understand like no other and who won't let me take any shit from anybody! (thanks JG and AM for today!) The wonky voices are still there, but not as loud as the Truth voices anymore. I can fight for one more day...at least!
I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make. (what am I gonna do today, to make me feel proud?)
I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray (Thank God for His provision in this...He has set me up to win, how can I fail?)
The crux of the meltdown came with the fear that perhaps this time really ISN'T different. That perhaps I have not grown, changed, or been healed enough, to go farther than I have before. I have never made it past 60 lbs in any single attempt at weight loss. Fear, disappoint, discouragement. My wonky thoughts were back in full force, screaming that I can't do this! That I don't have what it takes!
Faintly in the background I could hear Coach shouting that I am still in transition...this time IS different...you can Do this Thang! You are learning what is gonna work for you there. But those other voices were far louder. Most of all of me was feeling like, I am on a downward spiral. This is how my stalling out happened "the last time". Small gain here, hold steady there, even a loss thrown in now and then. I don't want to believe the voices that say I am giving up just like last time. That I am getting scared (of what I don't know, but fear is there) and starting my slipping away.
Still in the background, I can hear Aaron saying things like, stay connected...I believe in you. You are making such an impact. But again those other voices were far louder.
I do not want those voices to win. I do not want fear to win again. But I have to admit, part of me is feeling great pressure. Between the fundraiser I wrote about and my own expectations it is feeling overwhelming.
Here is what Aaron said to me that really started to break through those other voices. All of my positive self talk was NOT working, when he said this (gosh Aaron, I hope you don't mind that I publish your words so often, but you say such wise things that so many can be encouraged by)
"While hoping for the milestone, I wasn't surprised about the gain. Not at ALL because I didn't believe in you but because the stakes in this are continually being raised and I'm sure the enemy is on full alert doing whatever he can to stop this. You and your impact, Kim L are a fork in the devil's eye because he stands opposed to the tidal wave of healing and goodness that you and your journey represent. The lies, self-talk, and other bullshit are all attempts to halt or divert you from the exponential impact you are having bringing heaven to earth. The devil is trying to put YOU in a box, silly him!!! This is war and it won't be easy, but oh how much greater is HE that is within you than he that is in the world. Feel and believe that!"
Email is often a poor way to share an emotion, but as I read these words the first time and many times over today, I could feel the passion in his words...it is as if Truth was fighting to be heard in my head and heart, over the other wonky voices screaming in my head, all the way from GR. It was heard Aaron, loud and clear, and oh so true. I have been fighting soo hard to not box myself in. Working hard to not live in such a way that I am safe all the time. A life worth living involves risk and courage. I refuse to let someone else box me in, especially the slimy devil who is just out to protect himself! I refuse to give in to the bullshit lies! I just may need help deciphering the lies from truth from time to time.
Tonight I was talking to Teresa and she said something about not looking too far ahead. But just looking at today. It resonated. I have been looking at 178 lbs to go, 50 goals on my goal list-ok maybe not 50 but at least 25, I have been seeing the pressure of the fundraiser, wondering where my TBL video is gonna go, if not on the show, and what am I gonna do about a job!! That is a lot of pressure folks! Sooo I am gonna try this method of thinking and see how it works. For now...all I have to do is eat well and exercise today. TODAY. I can decide again tomorrow to go again. This reminds me of the scripture that says, "DO not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." Perhaps I should try and follow the wisdom of the Bible for a change!:-)
I am grateful that I have friends willing to get loud for me, willing to fight for me when I cannot fight for myself, cuz I am just bogged down. I am glad that they don't give up on me or think I am too much. Friends who are willing to just listen and understand like no other and who won't let me take any shit from anybody! (thanks JG and AM for today!) The wonky voices are still there, but not as loud as the Truth voices anymore. I can fight for one more day...at least!
I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make. (what am I gonna do today, to make me feel proud?)
I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray (Thank God for His provision in this...He has set me up to win, how can I fail?)
Friday, March 6, 2009
A rough "journal" entry
First bit of news. I am in a happy place (physically). I am HOME in GR for a few days! So refreshing..now if all my people would come home from work, so I can see them all will be perfect!
Second thing: This blog is first and foremost for me. It is my version of a journal. I can't seem to stay committed to writing in a journal for more than a week, but I can here...don't know what that is all about but it just means that at times you are gonna get something that is a bit raw and unpolished and I refuse to edit it to make it nice! (this was added post writing!)
Now on to the rest of this blog entry.
I tend to be a head person. I figure things out in my head first and by the time it comes out of my mouth (or fingertips) it is very well packaged with the struggle and the answer to the struggle. Part of this is a "look good and put together" mentality, part is just who I am, and part is a way to talk my way through something and maybe if I have the right answer, the right behavior will follow. Regardless of the motivation for it though, this does not serve me well, not emotionally anyway. (By the way, this happens so fast, I don't even realize I am doing it, and is often subconscious. I can't stop it from happening, but I can add to it!)
For years, I had been what I call emotionally bankrupt. I would feel the extreme emotions (about once a month :-) or happiness, but the everyday little disappointments or sadness or anger just was not there for me. I wasn't depressed, I was just "good" or "fine". IN the past 2 years I sought counseling on this and came to know that my emotional health and my ability to feel my emotions ties DIRECTLY to my weight loss. When I am fully connected and present in what is real for me I am better able to manage my eating and even my exercise. This whole emotional connectedness really took off in my last 6 months in GR. I was experiencing emotions all the time! I felt a little crazy at times! Crying one minute but full of true laughter and joy the next! Emotions were not all consuming as I once thought...they just were. IT was a good thing.
The other day, I was talking to Coach about an email I sent him re: some hard conversations I had with mom about my weight loss journey and the hurtful things she says and does at times. I reported the facts, relayed the conversations and ended the email. While the conversations were uncomfortable, I was fine! I was good! The next day while chatting Coach asked me. "So how ya holding up?"
I wanted to say that I was good or fine, except that suddenly my eyeballs were filled with a salty water like substance and I could no longer see my computer to say anything. I realized I wasn't sure exactly how I was but fine or good did not fit. Coach pointed out that is my body telling me that my heart was hurting. GO figure! What struck me though was that 1 month back at home and I was already back to numbing out my feelings and living in a state of fine-ness. I wasn't connected to the emotional reality of those conversations or to how I was really doing in my new home. It took so long to get plugged in to those emotions and one change (although a BIG one) and I am unplugged so quickly!
I don't want to be FINE! I want to be great! fabulous! I want to experience all the emotions again. I want to be able to write what is really going on for me and not the packaged stuff that has been of late. Not that what I have written has been untrue...it just hasn't been fully true, because I didn't realize what was going on.
I was and am still trying to adjust. Figure out my routine. And in a way who I am as a 32 yr old woman living in her mother's house? Am I adult or child? (feels like child at times) It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what I should be doing. And I am great at self talk. You know the stuff that sounds like "I can do this!" "I am doing this!" "This time is different!"
While these statements are true, the other truth is this. I am terrified and feel very alone in this in my new place. I keep thinking, if I can just make it to 75 lbs then I will have lost more than ever at one time and maybe, just maybe, then something will stick and I will be able to keep going.
Coach asked me how all of this (the conversations and the fact that I realized I wasn't feeling things again) were impacting my food/exercise. I wish I could easily say that it wasn't...at least not yet. But if I look at it really, sure I have still been counting my calories and if anything have been under eating, but the quality of what I have been eating has not been so good. Eating for comfort again has most likely been happening because all my old comfort foods are around and readily available, this time I just count them. But that doesn't allow me to feel whatever is going on. And this journey is NOT just about being physically healthy. It is also about being emotionally healthy and spiritually healthy. If I am really honest, if I had to choose between physical or emotional health. I will take teh emotional health anyday. I would rather feel everything and be fat than feel nothing and be thin.
It has certainly affected my motivation to fight to get to the gym when I just don't want to. In GR, it just wasn't an option to not go. Granted many times, I could call or text someone to coordinate a time to go together, but there were plenty of times that I had to choose to go myself and then to stay there the entire time, actually working!
So here is the recap of my crazy off the cuff journal entry above....My heart hurts. Everything else is self talk.
Second thing: This blog is first and foremost for me. It is my version of a journal. I can't seem to stay committed to writing in a journal for more than a week, but I can here...don't know what that is all about but it just means that at times you are gonna get something that is a bit raw and unpolished and I refuse to edit it to make it nice! (this was added post writing!)
Now on to the rest of this blog entry.
I tend to be a head person. I figure things out in my head first and by the time it comes out of my mouth (or fingertips) it is very well packaged with the struggle and the answer to the struggle. Part of this is a "look good and put together" mentality, part is just who I am, and part is a way to talk my way through something and maybe if I have the right answer, the right behavior will follow. Regardless of the motivation for it though, this does not serve me well, not emotionally anyway. (By the way, this happens so fast, I don't even realize I am doing it, and is often subconscious. I can't stop it from happening, but I can add to it!)
For years, I had been what I call emotionally bankrupt. I would feel the extreme emotions (about once a month :-) or happiness, but the everyday little disappointments or sadness or anger just was not there for me. I wasn't depressed, I was just "good" or "fine". IN the past 2 years I sought counseling on this and came to know that my emotional health and my ability to feel my emotions ties DIRECTLY to my weight loss. When I am fully connected and present in what is real for me I am better able to manage my eating and even my exercise. This whole emotional connectedness really took off in my last 6 months in GR. I was experiencing emotions all the time! I felt a little crazy at times! Crying one minute but full of true laughter and joy the next! Emotions were not all consuming as I once thought...they just were. IT was a good thing.
The other day, I was talking to Coach about an email I sent him re: some hard conversations I had with mom about my weight loss journey and the hurtful things she says and does at times. I reported the facts, relayed the conversations and ended the email. While the conversations were uncomfortable, I was fine! I was good! The next day while chatting Coach asked me. "So how ya holding up?"
I wanted to say that I was good or fine, except that suddenly my eyeballs were filled with a salty water like substance and I could no longer see my computer to say anything. I realized I wasn't sure exactly how I was but fine or good did not fit. Coach pointed out that is my body telling me that my heart was hurting. GO figure! What struck me though was that 1 month back at home and I was already back to numbing out my feelings and living in a state of fine-ness. I wasn't connected to the emotional reality of those conversations or to how I was really doing in my new home. It took so long to get plugged in to those emotions and one change (although a BIG one) and I am unplugged so quickly!
I don't want to be FINE! I want to be great! fabulous! I want to experience all the emotions again. I want to be able to write what is really going on for me and not the packaged stuff that has been of late. Not that what I have written has been untrue...it just hasn't been fully true, because I didn't realize what was going on.
I was and am still trying to adjust. Figure out my routine. And in a way who I am as a 32 yr old woman living in her mother's house? Am I adult or child? (feels like child at times) It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what I should be doing. And I am great at self talk. You know the stuff that sounds like "I can do this!" "I am doing this!" "This time is different!"
While these statements are true, the other truth is this. I am terrified and feel very alone in this in my new place. I keep thinking, if I can just make it to 75 lbs then I will have lost more than ever at one time and maybe, just maybe, then something will stick and I will be able to keep going.
Coach asked me how all of this (the conversations and the fact that I realized I wasn't feeling things again) were impacting my food/exercise. I wish I could easily say that it wasn't...at least not yet. But if I look at it really, sure I have still been counting my calories and if anything have been under eating, but the quality of what I have been eating has not been so good. Eating for comfort again has most likely been happening because all my old comfort foods are around and readily available, this time I just count them. But that doesn't allow me to feel whatever is going on. And this journey is NOT just about being physically healthy. It is also about being emotionally healthy and spiritually healthy. If I am really honest, if I had to choose between physical or emotional health. I will take teh emotional health anyday. I would rather feel everything and be fat than feel nothing and be thin.
It has certainly affected my motivation to fight to get to the gym when I just don't want to. In GR, it just wasn't an option to not go. Granted many times, I could call or text someone to coordinate a time to go together, but there were plenty of times that I had to choose to go myself and then to stay there the entire time, actually working!
So here is the recap of my crazy off the cuff journal entry above....My heart hurts. Everything else is self talk.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Ultimate Smackdown!
Hello Blogland! Despite all the encouragement I get from hearing about you and how you struggle and get back up, in the moment of it happening, it is much more difficult to write about the struggle in the midst of it. It is much easier to stay silent until I am sure I am on my way back out of the hole. SO much for this being moment by moment...day by day...the good, the bad, and the downright ugly! I was wondering when the last time was that I struggled really really bad...and it has truly been months! How quickly I forget the depths to which I can go.
Anyway, as you all know, this past week was my first week in my new home, in Detroit. I came right into being a full time mom to my 6 nieces and nephews (5 under 4yrs old) while their parents were out of town. I have done this before, but typically I am in THEIR home where things seem less chaotic than here at mom's. I got nothing unpacked or sorted, leaving me feeling out of control, especially since until they left, there really was no hope for that. Then, I was eating poorly out of laziness. I just didn't feel like preparing a 2nd meal for myself after preparing a meal for the kids and since mom had already planned their meals for them, again I FELT out of control. SO then with the exception of 2 workouts, I threw the gym out the window. I mean heck, if I was gonna be out of control, why not be COMPLETELY out of control! Why not eat exactly what I want even if it produces stomach pains and runs to the bathroom! And if I am REALLY honest with myself, after my Wednesday spin experience, I wasn't too thrilled about going back to that Y, which means unless I am willing to have a conversation about it, I need to let some things there go.
In hindsight and through the eyes of someone pulling her head out of her A** or umm the sand...yeah the sand, I had and do have far more control than I think. Sure there are circumstances beyond my control, but I decide what to put in my mouth, I decide whether to go to the gym no matter what. I decide what my attitude is gonna be about this whole thing. SO what if my space is not in order yet! Does that REALLY have to affect the rest of my choices? So what if some stranger judges me without knowing what I can do? I know what I can do!
It also helped to get some good feedback from Coach and Aaron. OK, really it is a smackdown! Here is what I got from them.
From Coach:
1. I wouldn't be surprised if it takes you a good month to really settle into a productive routine again where you are in reasonable control of your food, exercises, and available resources.
(HA! This is good to remember and to actually consider. I am still getting my head wrapped around the concept that it will take time to adjust...I am hoping for less than a month, but I will try to give myself grace in the meantime)
2. This is a long road. A few "messed up" weeks here and there is nothing to needlessly spend emotional energy fretting over. (yes, this is why Coach is Coach people...he is always good at seeing the big picture when I focus on the step in front of me too much! He is also far more patient than I about taking things easy, and setting myself up for the long haul. I just wanna blaze ahead and do it perfect!)
3. This time is different. Same principles and goals apply. Now you have a different setting to apply them within. Environment was in the driver's seat in the past. Now you are. (YES I AM ....and to quote our President...YES I CAN!...but gosh it sure is easier in my old environment...at least in the end...I am quick to forget about the 3 months it took me to get into a good routine and develop good habits, no matter what...I certainly didn't start out last September the way I was going in January!)
4. Do this thang. (AKA Get er done....take care of business...do what I gotta do!....Yes Sir!)
From Aaron:
Also, what if...you viewed your current situation from a perspective of gratitude. God has been gracious enough to disrupt a routine that you had perhaps grown too comfortable in and he has placed increased challenges in front of you because he knows you can handle it. If you are really going to have lasting change you will at some point need to learn how to stick with it when unhealthy eating choices are constantly right under your nose and your workout environment isn't the cushy and friendly DDH. How fortunate that you GET to be faced with those challenges right now to develop further strength in those areas. God must really love you and believe in you! Lucky!
OK, my initial reaction was to drive across the state and smack this man. (Sorry Aaron...you didn't know that you were in danger!) Seriously, I had a good dose of self pity and whining going on! I don't wanna be here! I wanna be there! I don't like it! I miss DDH! I miss my friends! I don't have any control! I don't...I want....I can't....blah blah blah! However, when I step back...he is right and he disrupted my whining! (God please don't let me end up being like Joelle, if I make TBL!) And he is right! I am blessed! My God is not a God of Comfort, but He is one of Mercy and Grace. He doesn't always give me what I want, but he always provides for my needs. It has been one week. I will make new friends. If I give it a chance, I will learn to enjoy my new gym and perhaps even make some new workout buddies. I might in time come to even like Ann, The Legend! But no matter what, I will become stronger. I will learn to choose me and do right by me, no matter what the circumstances. I know I can do this because My God loves me and believes in me!! I am Lucky! Thanks Aaron for pointing that out and reminding me!
Now that my update about food and exercise for last week is finally written here is some more news....get ready blogland....Coach and Aaron don't even know this yet! hehehe
In addition to doing the Triathlon Relay again (swimming 1000 meters this time), I am going to train and see if I can't get myself in enough shape to do two legs of a Triathlon over Labor Day Weekend. Labor Day weekend happens to be my birthday weekend and I think I really like the idea of doing something fun and healthy and for me that weekend. Perhaps this will become my new tradition. Anyway, I am for sure going to be able to swim 500 meters, but then I want to run 5K as well by September. So I will have to find a female biker, as the tri that I would be doing is an all female event. I don't think I will have a problem finding one! By making this a goal and by speaking it out, it gives me a reason other than plain old exercise to get to the gym each day. It is highly motivating for me!
With that, I am gonna go to the gym. I know my guys are getting ready to spin their butts off with Jeff right now, so I might as well be there running mine off right along with them! Just in a different location!
Anyway, as you all know, this past week was my first week in my new home, in Detroit. I came right into being a full time mom to my 6 nieces and nephews (5 under 4yrs old) while their parents were out of town. I have done this before, but typically I am in THEIR home where things seem less chaotic than here at mom's. I got nothing unpacked or sorted, leaving me feeling out of control, especially since until they left, there really was no hope for that. Then, I was eating poorly out of laziness. I just didn't feel like preparing a 2nd meal for myself after preparing a meal for the kids and since mom had already planned their meals for them, again I FELT out of control. SO then with the exception of 2 workouts, I threw the gym out the window. I mean heck, if I was gonna be out of control, why not be COMPLETELY out of control! Why not eat exactly what I want even if it produces stomach pains and runs to the bathroom! And if I am REALLY honest with myself, after my Wednesday spin experience, I wasn't too thrilled about going back to that Y, which means unless I am willing to have a conversation about it, I need to let some things there go.
In hindsight and through the eyes of someone pulling her head out of her A** or umm the sand...yeah the sand, I had and do have far more control than I think. Sure there are circumstances beyond my control, but I decide what to put in my mouth, I decide whether to go to the gym no matter what. I decide what my attitude is gonna be about this whole thing. SO what if my space is not in order yet! Does that REALLY have to affect the rest of my choices? So what if some stranger judges me without knowing what I can do? I know what I can do!
It also helped to get some good feedback from Coach and Aaron. OK, really it is a smackdown! Here is what I got from them.
From Coach:
1. I wouldn't be surprised if it takes you a good month to really settle into a productive routine again where you are in reasonable control of your food, exercises, and available resources.
(HA! This is good to remember and to actually consider. I am still getting my head wrapped around the concept that it will take time to adjust...I am hoping for less than a month, but I will try to give myself grace in the meantime)
2. This is a long road. A few "messed up" weeks here and there is nothing to needlessly spend emotional energy fretting over. (yes, this is why Coach is Coach people...he is always good at seeing the big picture when I focus on the step in front of me too much! He is also far more patient than I about taking things easy, and setting myself up for the long haul. I just wanna blaze ahead and do it perfect!)
3. This time is different. Same principles and goals apply. Now you have a different setting to apply them within. Environment was in the driver's seat in the past. Now you are. (YES I AM ....and to quote our President...YES I CAN!...but gosh it sure is easier in my old environment...at least in the end...I am quick to forget about the 3 months it took me to get into a good routine and develop good habits, no matter what...I certainly didn't start out last September the way I was going in January!)
4. Do this thang. (AKA Get er done....take care of business...do what I gotta do!....Yes Sir!)
From Aaron:
Also, what if...you viewed your current situation from a perspective of gratitude. God has been gracious enough to disrupt a routine that you had perhaps grown too comfortable in and he has placed increased challenges in front of you because he knows you can handle it. If you are really going to have lasting change you will at some point need to learn how to stick with it when unhealthy eating choices are constantly right under your nose and your workout environment isn't the cushy and friendly DDH. How fortunate that you GET to be faced with those challenges right now to develop further strength in those areas. God must really love you and believe in you! Lucky!
OK, my initial reaction was to drive across the state and smack this man. (Sorry Aaron...you didn't know that you were in danger!) Seriously, I had a good dose of self pity and whining going on! I don't wanna be here! I wanna be there! I don't like it! I miss DDH! I miss my friends! I don't have any control! I don't...I want....I can't....blah blah blah! However, when I step back...he is right and he disrupted my whining! (God please don't let me end up being like Joelle, if I make TBL!) And he is right! I am blessed! My God is not a God of Comfort, but He is one of Mercy and Grace. He doesn't always give me what I want, but he always provides for my needs. It has been one week. I will make new friends. If I give it a chance, I will learn to enjoy my new gym and perhaps even make some new workout buddies. I might in time come to even like Ann, The Legend! But no matter what, I will become stronger. I will learn to choose me and do right by me, no matter what the circumstances. I know I can do this because My God loves me and believes in me!! I am Lucky! Thanks Aaron for pointing that out and reminding me!
Now that my update about food and exercise for last week is finally written here is some more news....get ready blogland....Coach and Aaron don't even know this yet! hehehe
In addition to doing the Triathlon Relay again (swimming 1000 meters this time), I am going to train and see if I can't get myself in enough shape to do two legs of a Triathlon over Labor Day Weekend. Labor Day weekend happens to be my birthday weekend and I think I really like the idea of doing something fun and healthy and for me that weekend. Perhaps this will become my new tradition. Anyway, I am for sure going to be able to swim 500 meters, but then I want to run 5K as well by September. So I will have to find a female biker, as the tri that I would be doing is an all female event. I don't think I will have a problem finding one! By making this a goal and by speaking it out, it gives me a reason other than plain old exercise to get to the gym each day. It is highly motivating for me!
With that, I am gonna go to the gym. I know my guys are getting ready to spin their butts off with Jeff right now, so I might as well be there running mine off right along with them! Just in a different location!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
This past week...
This past week has been a full one, at least as far as the spectrum that my emotions have run.
At least 4 days this week, I seriously had no motivation to get to the gym. I only succumbed to one day though, so that is a victory! Then on my scheduled day off, I struggled with feelings of guilt that I was not at the gym. Crazy thoughts I know. (Note to self: Be careful that you don't swing to the opposite extreme of food obsession to exercise obsession. While it is good to exercise and work towards health, irrational feelings of guilt are not the direction I want to take exercise, jsu tleads to more disordered thinking instead of a wholly healthy me!)
I have had some fear and anxiety this week as the reality of moving home began to hit as I gathered boxes and at least began the mental/planning process of packing up my life. It seems that for many moments this week, the "peace" I had last week was gone. Doubts about my ability to keep this up came in again, especially as I struggled with motivation to go to the gym. Ultimately, I know I can and will keep it up. I know I am much stronger than ever before. I know I have what it takes. And I know I am not alone in this. The fear and anxiety are just feelings and they are temporal.
Then there is the time I spent with friends this week. Sitting at Founder's or travelling to the Piston's game, I am just noticing what I am going to miss. The easy comfort of conversation that covers everything from teasing to comfortable silence. From encouragement to the deep thoughts and purposes of life. The huge amounts of laughter at and with each other. Even as I type this though, one might think it is all depressing thinking of all that I will miss. While it is sad and I WILL miss this with these people terribly, I am somewhat excited to create something new with new people and in a new place.
The one question I have been getting all week long as the circle expands to who now knows I am leaving is, "Are you coming back?" and "How long is this for?"
I am trying not to dwell on those answers too much. My heart instantly goes to "of course I am coming back and as quickly as possible!" But that heart perspective is not going to be very helpful as I try to create something new in Detroit. People I meet and current friends and family will know my heart is not truly with them, if I am continuously focused on being back in West Michigan. So while I would love to be back, I don't know those answers. I don't know what God has for me. I don't know where He will send me next. But I do know, after driving around Detroit yesterday, that it doesn't feel like home yet. I felt like a visitor in the place I grew up. But that is just for now. Soon, I will make it my home again. Then I will have 2 homes and perhaps the best of both worlds! And it is this thought that helps the fear go away and that eases the anxiety.
On a final note and a completely different subject ( so I don't do a 3rd blog in one day!). Last week while watching TBL, Bob lost it on a girl who didn't seem to be trying. His request (ok demand) seemed simple enough. Run for 30 seconds at 6.5 on the treadmill. I have been running 30 second sprints like these at 4.5 for the last couple of weeks and thought, "good grief girl, just stay on the treadmill for a flipping 30 seconds and you will be done!" I was pretty harsh in my judgement of her and while she may not have been pushing herself as hard as she could, I decided to see just how hard 6.5 for 30 seconds really is. I went Wednesday after spin class for my 1st attempt. I don't know what I was thinking! I had no legs left! I could barely do my 4.5 sprints. What was I thinking trying to jump to 6.5!!! Thank God Coach Mike was there to speak some sense in to me. I went back Friday for attempt #2. I DID IT! One time. I am done with that for now. I will never judge a contestant so harshly again, at least not until I have run 30 seconds in their shoes. In reality, I could feel the impact on my feet. Jumping from 4.5 to 6.5 is probably not the best idea from an "I don't wanna get injured" perspective. So I am now safely tucked in at a 5.0 speed and will work on doing longer sprints for a while instead of speed.
At least 4 days this week, I seriously had no motivation to get to the gym. I only succumbed to one day though, so that is a victory! Then on my scheduled day off, I struggled with feelings of guilt that I was not at the gym. Crazy thoughts I know. (Note to self: Be careful that you don't swing to the opposite extreme of food obsession to exercise obsession. While it is good to exercise and work towards health, irrational feelings of guilt are not the direction I want to take exercise, jsu tleads to more disordered thinking instead of a wholly healthy me!)
I have had some fear and anxiety this week as the reality of moving home began to hit as I gathered boxes and at least began the mental/planning process of packing up my life. It seems that for many moments this week, the "peace" I had last week was gone. Doubts about my ability to keep this up came in again, especially as I struggled with motivation to go to the gym. Ultimately, I know I can and will keep it up. I know I am much stronger than ever before. I know I have what it takes. And I know I am not alone in this. The fear and anxiety are just feelings and they are temporal.
Then there is the time I spent with friends this week. Sitting at Founder's or travelling to the Piston's game, I am just noticing what I am going to miss. The easy comfort of conversation that covers everything from teasing to comfortable silence. From encouragement to the deep thoughts and purposes of life. The huge amounts of laughter at and with each other. Even as I type this though, one might think it is all depressing thinking of all that I will miss. While it is sad and I WILL miss this with these people terribly, I am somewhat excited to create something new with new people and in a new place.
The one question I have been getting all week long as the circle expands to who now knows I am leaving is, "Are you coming back?" and "How long is this for?"
I am trying not to dwell on those answers too much. My heart instantly goes to "of course I am coming back and as quickly as possible!" But that heart perspective is not going to be very helpful as I try to create something new in Detroit. People I meet and current friends and family will know my heart is not truly with them, if I am continuously focused on being back in West Michigan. So while I would love to be back, I don't know those answers. I don't know what God has for me. I don't know where He will send me next. But I do know, after driving around Detroit yesterday, that it doesn't feel like home yet. I felt like a visitor in the place I grew up. But that is just for now. Soon, I will make it my home again. Then I will have 2 homes and perhaps the best of both worlds! And it is this thought that helps the fear go away and that eases the anxiety.
On a final note and a completely different subject ( so I don't do a 3rd blog in one day!). Last week while watching TBL, Bob lost it on a girl who didn't seem to be trying. His request (ok demand) seemed simple enough. Run for 30 seconds at 6.5 on the treadmill. I have been running 30 second sprints like these at 4.5 for the last couple of weeks and thought, "good grief girl, just stay on the treadmill for a flipping 30 seconds and you will be done!" I was pretty harsh in my judgement of her and while she may not have been pushing herself as hard as she could, I decided to see just how hard 6.5 for 30 seconds really is. I went Wednesday after spin class for my 1st attempt. I don't know what I was thinking! I had no legs left! I could barely do my 4.5 sprints. What was I thinking trying to jump to 6.5!!! Thank God Coach Mike was there to speak some sense in to me. I went back Friday for attempt #2. I DID IT! One time. I am done with that for now. I will never judge a contestant so harshly again, at least not until I have run 30 seconds in their shoes. In reality, I could feel the impact on my feet. Jumping from 4.5 to 6.5 is probably not the best idea from an "I don't wanna get injured" perspective. So I am now safely tucked in at a 5.0 speed and will work on doing longer sprints for a while instead of speed.
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