I had a meltdown today folks. A serious one...crying, sobbing really. Today should have been the day that I could write in here and shout from the rooftops that I have reached a milestone. That I had lost 50 LBS! Today should have been a day of celebration and victory. Instead, I had to text my guys, who have been excitedly waiting for this as well, news of a gain. Instead I am here to say I gained .5 a lb. I know, in the grand scheme of things .5 lb is not much. It is really small potatoes and does not change the fact that I have lost 49 lbs. But it is not the news I wanted to share.
The crux of the meltdown came with the fear that perhaps this time really ISN'T different. That perhaps I have not grown, changed, or been healed enough, to go farther than I have before. I have never made it past 60 lbs in any single attempt at weight loss. Fear, disappoint, discouragement. My wonky thoughts were back in full force, screaming that I can't do this! That I don't have what it takes!
Faintly in the background I could hear Coach shouting that I am still in transition...this time IS different...you can Do this Thang! You are learning what is gonna work for you there. But those other voices were far louder. Most of all of me was feeling like, I am on a downward spiral. This is how my stalling out happened "the last time". Small gain here, hold steady there, even a loss thrown in now and then. I don't want to believe the voices that say I am giving up just like last time. That I am getting scared (of what I don't know, but fear is there) and starting my slipping away.
Still in the background, I can hear Aaron saying things like, stay connected...I believe in you. You are making such an impact. But again those other voices were far louder.
I do not want those voices to win. I do not want fear to win again. But I have to admit, part of me is feeling great pressure. Between the fundraiser I wrote about and my own expectations it is feeling overwhelming.
Here is what Aaron said to me that really started to break through those other voices. All of my positive self talk was NOT working, when he said this (gosh Aaron, I hope you don't mind that I publish your words so often, but you say such wise things that so many can be encouraged by)
"While hoping for the milestone, I wasn't surprised about the gain. Not at ALL because I didn't believe in you but because the stakes in this are continually being raised and I'm sure the enemy is on full alert doing whatever he can to stop this. You and your impact, Kim L are a fork in the devil's eye because he stands opposed to the tidal wave of healing and goodness that you and your journey represent. The lies, self-talk, and other bullshit are all attempts to halt or divert you from the exponential impact you are having bringing heaven to earth. The devil is trying to put YOU in a box, silly him!!! This is war and it won't be easy, but oh how much greater is HE that is within you than he that is in the world. Feel and believe that!"
Email is often a poor way to share an emotion, but as I read these words the first time and many times over today, I could feel the passion in his words...it is as if Truth was fighting to be heard in my head and heart, over the other wonky voices screaming in my head, all the way from GR. It was heard Aaron, loud and clear, and oh so true. I have been fighting soo hard to not box myself in. Working hard to not live in such a way that I am safe all the time. A life worth living involves risk and courage. I refuse to let someone else box me in, especially the slimy devil who is just out to protect himself! I refuse to give in to the bullshit lies! I just may need help deciphering the lies from truth from time to time.
Tonight I was talking to Teresa and she said something about not looking too far ahead. But just looking at today. It resonated. I have been looking at 178 lbs to go, 50 goals on my goal list-ok maybe not 50 but at least 25, I have been seeing the pressure of the fundraiser, wondering where my TBL video is gonna go, if not on the show, and what am I gonna do about a job!! That is a lot of pressure folks! Sooo I am gonna try this method of thinking and see how it works. For now...all I have to do is eat well and exercise today. TODAY. I can decide again tomorrow to go again. This reminds me of the scripture that says, "DO not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." Perhaps I should try and follow the wisdom of the Bible for a change!:-)
I am grateful that I have friends willing to get loud for me, willing to fight for me when I cannot fight for myself, cuz I am just bogged down. I am glad that they don't give up on me or think I am too much. Friends who are willing to just listen and understand like no other and who won't let me take any shit from anybody! (thanks JG and AM for today!) The wonky voices are still there, but not as loud as the Truth voices anymore. I can fight for one more day...at least!
I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make. (what am I gonna do today, to make me feel proud?)
I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray (Thank God for His provision in this...He has set me up to win, how can I fail?)
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
All right!! All Right!! Already!
I have gotten enough comments/emails about my ticker and how it appears to be inaccurate that I have finally taken the time to change it....again. I especially get the emails after writing that I have lost 43 LBS, but my ticker shows 27. (or any other time I write about the amount I have lost!) Those that are new to the blog and don't feel like reading back or don't remember...I had 2 tickers for two different scales. I didn't want to forget that I had lost 16 LBS on the one scale so I left it there.
In reality, to have one ticker that is accurately reflecting what I have lost, required adding both losses to my current weight to get my more accurate starting weight. THAT my friends is what I didn't want to do.
Yes I am all about living in reality and owning what is true and all that other stuff I have talked about...and while I am all about it, I am still human. I am not perfect and frankly I did not want to OWN that I really started at 356 LBS and that THAT has been my highest weight ever! I did not want to put THAT out there so blatantly. However, if you all did your own math in your heads...you would be able to figure that out...and that was somehow ok with me.
SO now you have it! I still shy away from the hard core truth at times. I still try like hell to live in fantasy land at times. But eventually, the truth always comes out, someway somehow. Now you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in September 2008, I weighed 356 LBS! Not such a nice number to have displayed out there...but nice is not always true now is it?
Tomorrow, I found out if I lost again...can I make it 9 weeks of losses in a row?
I have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring on the scale. But I do know that it will bring me right back to the track or the gym or any other place that will allow me to exercise outside of the bitter cold of this lingering Michigan winter!
For those curious about Saturday...unfortunately, I will not be blogging about the casting process other than to say that I am proud of the way I carried myself, presented myself and how I felt it was received by the casting director. I will say that at this time I have NOT received a call back. Regardless of that fact, it still went well because I was myself!
In reality, to have one ticker that is accurately reflecting what I have lost, required adding both losses to my current weight to get my more accurate starting weight. THAT my friends is what I didn't want to do.
Yes I am all about living in reality and owning what is true and all that other stuff I have talked about...and while I am all about it, I am still human. I am not perfect and frankly I did not want to OWN that I really started at 356 LBS and that THAT has been my highest weight ever! I did not want to put THAT out there so blatantly. However, if you all did your own math in your heads...you would be able to figure that out...and that was somehow ok with me.
SO now you have it! I still shy away from the hard core truth at times. I still try like hell to live in fantasy land at times. But eventually, the truth always comes out, someway somehow. Now you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in September 2008, I weighed 356 LBS! Not such a nice number to have displayed out there...but nice is not always true now is it?
Tomorrow, I found out if I lost again...can I make it 9 weeks of losses in a row?
I have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring on the scale. But I do know that it will bring me right back to the track or the gym or any other place that will allow me to exercise outside of the bitter cold of this lingering Michigan winter!
For those curious about Saturday...unfortunately, I will not be blogging about the casting process other than to say that I am proud of the way I carried myself, presented myself and how I felt it was received by the casting director. I will say that at this time I have NOT received a call back. Regardless of that fact, it still went well because I was myself!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I will not be ashamed!
Shame (according to the English Language Dictionary) is the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous done by oneself or another.
Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, "Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity."
Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me...
Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn't want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can't keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will "they" think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.
I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.
Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, "Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity."
Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me...
Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn't want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can't keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will "they" think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.
I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.
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