This blog has MOVED!!!

The journey continues folks...but not here on Blogspot!

You can find my new blog...including all of the posts and comments from this one over at wordpress. http://road2beautiful.wordpress.com/

See ya there!

Photo update and other ramblings

I think I look skinny here...ok skinny is relative...but seriously!

This shirt I am wearing here, I bought one week ago for a Rock Band Party, in which I wanted to dress in rocker attire! I think I did a decent job...hehehe or at least I had fun! The wig is an official Hannah Montana wig! Anyway, the point of pointing out the shirt is that I put the shirt on today since it was soo blazing hot outside and I have precious little to wear these days...and well...it is ALREADY getting looser on me! Woot! Woot!

I started my new job this week! Well, I started working outside of the training room anyway! I am officially a US Census Bureau Lister....which means I go around and systematically canvass every house in a given area and map every house, or what COULD BE a house! In 3 days I have walked 36 miles! Yes, I walked it! Today, I came home after 7 hours for a break and some lunch and was NOT sure I would be able to go back out...my feet were aching...surprisingly though after a bit of a break, I was able to go out and go pretty strong until almost 9 PM tonight! I am looking forward to not walking long distances for the next two days! Don't worry Aaron and Coach, I will figure in some other kind of workout that does NOT include walking!

I had another random thought...but I am fading fast here...oh well....Oh yes....eating. I have been pretty good on eating...staying within calories...the only thing I am NOT doing is eating more regularly. I eat breakfast, at some point break and grab lunch, then when I get home at approx 9 I eat dinner....and not really factoring in snacks and things...

I am looking forward to seeing what all this walking does for me on Tuesday! Seriously, if this is not a 5 lb loss week I might be upset! I have noticed that by the end of the day, my hands and feet are swollen, so I know I am retaining water....I hope that doesn't happen for the weigh in...any suggestions people on how to make that NOT happen? I am tempted to not work Monday...just to be sure that doesn't happen...but then that will screw me for the rest of the week and it will end up being another week like this one...mass hours in a short time frame!

Ok Goodnight! Much to do before I sleep....much to do before I sleep!

Grrrrr...I hate how when I post pictures....my paragraphs disappear and it looks like one long run-on paragraph.....another reason to switch to wordpress!!! Soon friends...soon!

Not Meant to Be ALone

A few years back there lived a man named Adam. ( no, no , no not the Adam who has been referenced here before!)

Now where was I? Oh yes...a man named Adam. He was given much responsibility and instructions on how to live out his life here on earth. He had purpose and direction, but somehow that wasn't good enough, so his Father found him a woman, a helpmate named Eve. Someone to share life with.

While this story is most often associated with a husband and wife theme....and I am most definitely NOT married yet at my ripe old age of 32 :-)...I think I can still relate to this. In a general sense we (humans) are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to walk through life alone, through all the hills or the valleys. We are created for community! Despite what our society teaches us, we are NOT supposed to be completely independent, fully self-sufficient beings going about life without the help, support and encouragement of others. This does not mean we get to be irresponsible either though!

I know this!

I believe this!

I will spout this truth off to anyone who tries to hold me at bay and not let me walk through life with them or help them reach their goals in some way, if it is within my power to do so.

So why do I like to be so doggone independent and stubborn and self-sufficient. I simply squirm at the idea/thought of needing/accepting help. I have thought about this subject off and on for some time now. This past week, this idea of dependence came up yet again as I needed help.

Now, let me just say....I am far, far, FAR better at letting people help me than ever before. I used to never even let others know I needed help, even if they directly asked me!

So here is what happened. I locked my keys in my trunk as I was packing my car and leaving for church, followed by lunch with friends then back to Detroit for my nephews baptism. In my mind, the only possibility was to skip church, get a tow truck out to unlock my doors, so I could access my trunk, so I could meet the friends for lunch at least.

I called Adam (back to current reality folks, not ancient history), since I was supposed to be saving a seat for him, to let him know I wouldn't be there. His plan was to pick me up for church and we would see what possibilities opened up for lunch/opening my doors after church. Umm ok. This is generally not a big deal. When I lived in GR, we would often ride to church together. But somehow, because it was a NEED now...I felt weird about it. As if somehow this time, it would be putting him out to do this.

I never said my thoughts would be rational, folks!

After church, we met up with the above friends...with my plan being to tell them that I would not be meeting them for lunch because I needed to take care of the car to ensure I get on the road in time to be back for the nephews big day! Adam didn't plan on staying for lunch, so my ride back was with him. In comes Todd and John who suggest the following.

1. Adam goes to lunch...afterall...he has to eat, right? Adam agrees only because lunch would be Jet's Pizza, and well he likes the people he would be with...and they would't take no for an answer!

2. Todd and John would drive up and try to coat hanger my doors open, get my keys and drive my car back to me...problem would then be solved. Worse case scenario, I still leave with Adam but no later than 2:30.

Ummm ok....although this again leaves me slightly uncomfortable...as my car is a good 20 minutes away from church and in the opposite direction of anyone but Adam. Again the whole thought of being a burden tries to slip in, despite the fact that I did not ask them to do this, they kind of told me that is what would happen....and really if Adam had not agreed to lunch, they would then drive me back to my car later!

They couldn't get in. So in general I feel bad that these guys missed out on time with the group. Again folks, I never said this would be rational.

Moving on....Adam and I leave. He drops me at my car just as the tow truck shows up to open my car. The car is opened but I cannot access my truck. My door locks won't work for some reason....and ultimately we couldn't access my trunk from the back seats either because there is a latch that needs to be pulled to release them...in the trunk!

SO Virg (former roommie)and I are tossing around options and I am just thinking that I will have to miss the nephews big day and go to a dealership or locksmith on Monday to get my doors opened. In the meantime, I texted Adam to let him know what was up, cuz that is just what I do.

He calls immediately and tells me I can TAKE HIS CAR to Detroit for the night so I can get to the baptism...and deal with the car during business hours. I would let him know. Ultimately this is what happened, but not without more of those irrational conversations in my head.

Now at this point, I am realizing a theme here. Every bit of the day has been a day of relying on others to get to the next thing or be a part of what is happening. I know I am fairly independent and that I don't like having to rely on others for help. I am far better though. At least now, I just have the thoughts but still allow others to help and on occasion I have even been known to actually ask for help!

Someone once said to me, possibly Aaron, that when I ask for help it is like an invitation into my life. When I think about that and how I feel when someone asks me for help it is like that. It is such a JOY to help and to be invited into their space! On the flip side, when I find out that someone could have used my help and they didn't ask because they thought I might feel put out, I feel robbed. I never want to rob someone of the joy of helping. Of being the gift that they are to this world, to me. I don't want to be a thief!

But more, I don't want to be alone, married or not...so I will keep choosing to put the irrational thoughts out of my head, and accept help when it is offered, ask when it is not and it is needed, and ultimately live life in community....whether it is car troubles or weight struggles or any other kind of struggle...we are not meant to live life alone.

Oh and weigh in results....gained 1.2. No worries though...I had soy sauce yesterday....and regardless I know I did the work. If I honestly did the work and gained a little, I am not gonna freak out! I will just keep going and take care of it next week! (Yikes! does that sniff of whole health or what?)

Anticipation...and other Thoughts

I am excited for my weigh in tomorrow, yet trying to not be overly so! I am 3.8 LBS from being under 300. So, if I lose 4 lbs this week....I will have a preceding 2 instead of a 3. I KNOW that this is completely possible. I have worked out 4 days this week. I have eaten well and within calorie ranges the whole time. I have not gone off track at all since Last Monday(ok, I might have gone a little over on Saturday...I had some beer). 50 LBS was a huge milestone! This is another one!

While I really would love to hit this milestone this week, I know that it is also possible that I won't. Not for lack of effort but simply because the body does strange things at times. SO basically, I am not expecting 4 lbs this week. I am not expecting to hit it....but man I sure am hoping!

In other news, I spent a lovely weekend in GR this past weekend. I had already been thinking about going, but then someone asked me how I was going to reward myself for my 50 lbs. There is no better reward at this point in the game for me than to spend time with my friends in GR. So I went! It turned out quite eventful!

Downtown Chalk Art Event- This was so much fun! I went with my friend Jonny D and we decided that a crime scene was in order to be drawn....by the police station and in an alley! But the best part was the camaraderie and sense of community as people from all walks and stations in life came together into the heart of this great city with one purpose...to cover the city streets in chalk! It was neat to walk down the streets, looking at the creations of others, to make eye contact with dozens of people and not simply exchange a terse nod or a "I don't really care kind of hello" but rather to engage in conversation with strangers! I loved it!

Rock Band- A few friends gathered to play Rock Band. Yes I am 32 years old. I have never really been a huge video gamer outside of the original Super Mario Brothers that came out when I was 10 or so years old, but I LOVE this one! Probably because you really do play it TOGETHER! You laugh with and at those that you are playing with. I KNOW that I cannot sing Wanted Dead or Alive...and really shouldn't attempt it...but in this atmosphere....who cares....it is all fun!

On Sunday I locked my keys in my trunk as I was loading my car and getting ready for church. Fortunately, kind Adam picked me up for church and I figured I would skip lunch with a few friends so I can make sure I get my car keys back in time to be back in Detroit for my 9 yr old nephews Baptism. Well, we ended up having lunch with friends...so lovely...then I went back to my car to figure that out.

To make a long story short...(as if that is possible for me) I got into my car but could not access the trunk. My trunk unlock button wouldn't work. I can only assume it is because neither the key nor the remote opened the doors. I couldn't climb through the back seats that DO fold down, because there is a release latch that needs to be pulled for them to fold down....which is in the trunk!

I was getting anxious now and thinking I would end up missing Gavin's Baptism. This is my first nephew to be baptized and it is awesome how at 9 years old he decided on his own that he wanted to be....another long story...suffice it to say I really really did not want to miss this!

In the end...I had a superhero step in. Adam gave me his car for the night. I could make it....if I left super quickly and bring his car back today (Monday), at which time I would continue figuring out how to get into my trunk! Adam is the hero for the day! I am incredibly grateful for him and his generosity!

In the end, my keys are out of the trunk and I have a spare that will unlock my doors if I ever lock them in again! I think I am going to make another one...and keep one in GR with my friends there and one in Detroit. I don't lose my keys...I just lock them in my car!!!

So that was my eventful evening. I will be posting soon about Dependence....as that is what God is being loud about these days and it had a spot lot put on it with this whole car key thing!

Current Goal List!

My goal list widget is frustrating me. I can see it fine. I can check things off of it perfectly. As far as I have been concerned it was working fine. Except you all have no idea what my goals are....nor can you celebrate as I check things off, unless of course if I blog specifically about something.

So just so you have SOME idea of what is on there until I figure that out....here is my current complete list of goals. (I may end up moving my blog to wordpress if I cannot figure this and a few other things out!)

• Lose 25 LBS COMPLETE
• Lose 50 LBS COMPLETE!!!!!
• Lose 75 LBS by June 12th
• Lose 100 LBS
• unpack and wear the smaller sizes COMPLETE
• HAVE to buy new clothes ALMOST there...smaller sizes are getting me by
• complete a ropes course
• Do 2 legs of a triathlon
• LOSE 125 LBS
• Lose 150 LBS
• Lose 175 LBS
• Lose 200 LBS...reach maintenance level
• Be able to borrow someone else's clothes
• Run 5K straight by end of summer 2009
• Complete a full triathlon...by myself
• SKYDIVING
• Sweat Like Coach!
• Wear Adam's snow pants

And then of course there are the ones Adam added to my list for me. So these are Adam's goals for me.

• white water rafting/kayaking (sure why not!)
• skiing with Adam-he says he will teach me!
• solo sail around the world-I will not do this...unless I can take someone with me...too lonely!
• go BASE jumping-umm no thanks
• play rock band drums on expert (this will be checked off this weekend....fortunately he did not specify what % I needed to get correct!)
• Play the trumpet- I have done this....in Jr. High...but he/I want to learn again...and then I have to play for him...I can do this!
• do a flip off the diving board....YIKES...we will see
• Clean the Medema Mansion-Been there done that...he is just trying to get out of chores!
• do a handstand-he didn't specify land or water..so I say I this is COMPLETE!
• go surfing
• lay on a bed of nails- um no...you first
• walk across burning coals- again..you first Adam!
• blow bubbles- Bubbles will be blown this weekend!
• tight rope walk the Grand Canyon- as long as I can be harnessed in and have a rope above and below me...ok

The big 5-0!

Well, it has been a crazy dark week. But Sunday I began making some actual progress on my climb out of a very steep, black hole and by Monday after a day of fasting was able to hoist my leg over the edge and just HANG ON!

I even managed to work out yesterday! Did a 2 mile run/walk (which I am sad to say I have not worked out in a little bit) followed by a lap of walking lunges....I have never done this, but figured I should try and do SOMETHING for a strength workout. My thighs BURNED!!!! Then I walked another couple laps until the track closed. I felt great and while I was tempted to go an nibble...just a bite of what mom made for dinner. I held strong to my fast. 1. Because i refused to give in ....again. 2. Because I HATE what mom made for dinner last night....it is the worst tasting and least healthy meal on earth! Thank God she didn't make my favorite meal, it would have been harder to stand firm!

Today I woke up, rather grumpily and with a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am not sure if the nausea was from not falling asleep until after midnight and having to be up at 6:30. Or because I was soo hungry from fasting. Or if it was nerves for my weigh in. I am thinking it was a combination of all 3 things. Regardless, I wen to my weigh in the whole way wondering if there is a way to legitimately procrastinate this...and yet not wanting to do that either. I stepped on the scale and was SHOCKED to see 303.8. A loss??? What???

"Hey scale! Do you know that umm I didn't exercise but one day last week? or that I ate horribly and was constantly starting over?"

For the record the scale did not respond. I stayed on the scale an extra long time though because I kind of thought that maybe it just wasn't done moving up. You know like maybe the numbers got stuck for a second and would keep moving again in a minute or so? Well if they were stuck, they were stuck good. I even got off and on again...just in case you know!

So, for the record. I must not have done as bad as I thought eating wise, despite the amount of battling inside. Perhaps I won more battles than I lost??? Sure didn't feel like it...but I guess this is where the scale feedback comes in. I lost 3.2 lbs this week. and have officially reached my 50 LB milestone!

YIPPEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORRAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

Now, to get under 300...then on to 75 lbs! Can I do 75 by June 12th? (first wedding of the season?)

Just Couldn't Shake It!

Some of you have been wondering where I have been since my last post. I have gotten the emails! For those of you that saw my highly positive posts for the first 10 weeks of 2009, you might have begun to wonder if I ever had a bad day or a "rough patch". Well, this past week should be enough to know that yes I am indeed human. I do fail and fail miserably. Or as one might say...fail magnificently!

It has been a really rough week. For the first time in a really long time...possibly as far back as November, I went "driving for food". I started out going to get a movie to match my already dark mood and every single convenience store, fast food place, and gas station was calling out to me...to just stop in and see what they had. Fortunately, I managed to keep the car heading straight despite the almost physical pulling of the wheel to turn in. I actually only stopped one place and exercised some measure of restraint. I WANTED to get a whole meal deal super sized plus ice cream! I ended up with one ice cream cone. Ice cream in hand I headed to the video store for my "dark" movie. Upon entering the store with said ice cream in hand...I got a text message from Aaron. Sadly, I ignored it until the ice cream cone was gone. Only to see a message that reminded me to keep my vision in front of me. GRRRR...

In the grand scheme of things, one frozen yogurt from McD's is not all that bad actually. What makes it bad for me is that it was solely an attempt to feed the darkness in my soul. It has been a long time since it has been this bad, I truly forgot how bad it could get when all I want to do is numb out and STOP FEELING. Yet, I also know that isn't what I want to do either. Feeling things means I am alive and well and healthy!

SO I spent a few days, each day trying again to make good choices to start afresh again and again...each time failing. It began to get so overwhelming and even more depressing. I am better than this, right? Stronger than this, right? I know what to do but is it really just a matter of making a choice to eat right? I think sometimes the choice is to just keep getting up. Even if you only stay up for 2 seconds before getting knocked down again.

Sunday, I knew might be rough, given my lingering mood. Holiday meal with family. Family who all now know about my weight loss efforts thanks to the Pound for a Cause fundraiser. While I don't regret saying yes to this, it does add pressure. In the end, there really wasn't anything healthy served, it was one of our typical family meals. But outside of that, the day started with mom being food police there making several comments about what I am allowed to have or should/shouldn't have until I finally looked at her and just told her to "shut up". Yes, I told my mom to shut up, in those words. We have already had this conversation about her not being my food police, so I feel justified. I may be wrong, but for now I feel justified.

As for quantity of food I did ok. But I have no idea about calories. In fact, I have no idea about actual calorie intake for the last week or so. While I was back and forth to GR, I wasn't logging in my spreadsheet but I was at least keeping a mental tally. This past bit, I just didn't.

I know this is depressing to read, but I feel a bit like this is a time for confession. Own it all, and keep going...again.

SO last night I made a decision. I am tired of the dark mood controlling me. Enough is Enough already! This madness has got to stop! I decided that on Monday (today) I would fast. I would fast and get the crappy foods out of me for at least one day. Then begin again on Tuesday. So far so good. While I am hungry and was tempted by the little danish things they had at my Census Bureau Training today, I am doing good. I feel more in control, like I have a fighting chance now! I think it helps my mood as well to have something productive to do that will bring in money. I have purpose again...at least for 4-6 weeks.

Tomorrow I weigh in. I have no expectations but am sure I will be disappointed if I I miss the 50 lb milestone again. Hopefully, the disappointment won't be all consuming again. Reality says I should consider myself lucky if I hold steady. We will see. I have to admit, I have been tempted to "forget" to go and therefore giving myself an extra day. So instead of falling prey to that little demon, I called the Dr.'s office where I weigh in. They open at 7:30 AM. If I want a morning weigh in or to weigh in before I eat anything, I must be there by 8 AM...otherwise I have to wait and go after my training...at 5:30 PM. I would rather weigh in with nothing in me. So....tomorrow morning it will be.

For now, I am going to change out of my work clothes and go to the local track and see if I can't walk/run something off of me.

This is me....getting up again for about the 100th time in a week...

Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night!

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Poem by Dylan Thomas

My translation: DO not give up!

My Response: Never! I might get wounded and have to limp along for a bit. I might fall down and need some serious help to get back up, I might need someone else to lead the way for a bit, but I won't give up!

Meltdown Mania!

I had a meltdown today folks. A serious one...crying, sobbing really. Today should have been the day that I could write in here and shout from the rooftops that I have reached a milestone. That I had lost 50 LBS! Today should have been a day of celebration and victory. Instead, I had to text my guys, who have been excitedly waiting for this as well, news of a gain. Instead I am here to say I gained .5 a lb. I know, in the grand scheme of things .5 lb is not much. It is really small potatoes and does not change the fact that I have lost 49 lbs. But it is not the news I wanted to share.

The crux of the meltdown came with the fear that perhaps this time really ISN'T different. That perhaps I have not grown, changed, or been healed enough, to go farther than I have before. I have never made it past 60 lbs in any single attempt at weight loss. Fear, disappoint, discouragement. My wonky thoughts were back in full force, screaming that I can't do this! That I don't have what it takes!

Faintly in the background I could hear Coach shouting that I am still in transition...this time IS different...you can Do this Thang! You are learning what is gonna work for you there. But those other voices were far louder. Most of all of me was feeling like, I am on a downward spiral. This is how my stalling out happened "the last time". Small gain here, hold steady there, even a loss thrown in now and then. I don't want to believe the voices that say I am giving up just like last time. That I am getting scared (of what I don't know, but fear is there) and starting my slipping away.

Still in the background, I can hear Aaron saying things like, stay connected...I believe in you. You are making such an impact. But again those other voices were far louder.

I do not want those voices to win. I do not want fear to win again. But I have to admit, part of me is feeling great pressure. Between the fundraiser I wrote about and my own expectations it is feeling overwhelming.

Here is what Aaron said to me that really started to break through those other voices. All of my positive self talk was NOT working, when he said this (gosh Aaron, I hope you don't mind that I publish your words so often, but you say such wise things that so many can be encouraged by)

"While hoping for the milestone, I wasn't surprised about the gain. Not at ALL because I didn't believe in you but because the stakes in this are continually being raised and I'm sure the enemy is on full alert doing whatever he can to stop this. You and your impact, Kim L are a fork in the devil's eye because he stands opposed to the tidal wave of healing and goodness that you and your journey represent. The lies, self-talk, and other bullshit are all attempts to halt or divert you from the exponential impact you are having bringing heaven to earth. The devil is trying to put YOU in a box, silly him!!! This is war and it won't be easy, but oh how much greater is HE that is within you than he that is in the world. Feel and believe that!"

Email is often a poor way to share an emotion, but as I read these words the first time and many times over today, I could feel the passion in his words...it is as if Truth was fighting to be heard in my head and heart, over the other wonky voices screaming in my head, all the way from GR. It was heard Aaron, loud and clear, and oh so true. I have been fighting soo hard to not box myself in. Working hard to not live in such a way that I am safe all the time. A life worth living involves risk and courage. I refuse to let someone else box me in, especially the slimy devil who is just out to protect himself! I refuse to give in to the bullshit lies! I just may need help deciphering the lies from truth from time to time.

Tonight I was talking to Teresa and she said something about not looking too far ahead. But just looking at today. It resonated. I have been looking at 178 lbs to go, 50 goals on my goal list-ok maybe not 50 but at least 25, I have been seeing the pressure of the fundraiser, wondering where my TBL video is gonna go, if not on the show, and what am I gonna do about a job!! That is a lot of pressure folks! Sooo I am gonna try this method of thinking and see how it works. For now...all I have to do is eat well and exercise today. TODAY. I can decide again tomorrow to go again. This reminds me of the scripture that says, "DO not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." Perhaps I should try and follow the wisdom of the Bible for a change!:-)

I am grateful that I have friends willing to get loud for me, willing to fight for me when I cannot fight for myself, cuz I am just bogged down. I am glad that they don't give up on me or think I am too much. Friends who are willing to just listen and understand like no other and who won't let me take any shit from anybody! (thanks JG and AM for today!) The wonky voices are still there, but not as loud as the Truth voices anymore. I can fight for one more day...at least!

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make. (what am I gonna do today, to make me feel proud?)

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray (Thank God for His provision in this...He has set me up to win, how can I fail?)

I am!

I started out with a blog post that talked of who I am despite the body or shell that holds me. For some odd reason, I sent it on to a couple of people as a preview and got some really good feedback. The feedback I heard was that if I separate me from my body, the story is incomplete. Some might make judgements when they see my body that I am lazy, tired, uneducated, bitter, angry, lonely, sad, or unworthy. Oh how wrong those judgments would be. They are incomplete. While I have been those things at times and probably will experience those things again in my lifetime, it is not the whole picture. I am more than just my body, but my body does tell part of the story of me.

I started out my other post talking about an image I had of me, during filming, doing a standing climb on a spin bike in my sports bra and tight shorts, in front of 4 men and actually finding the image beautiful. Yet, I still continued to separate myself from it and make it not me. Fascinating friends, fascinating. Because my thoughts about the girl in the photo were and still are....beautiful, powerful, strong, courageous, amazing, inspiring, happy, focused, determined, well loved...fascinating how I separated myself from that and only associated myself with the negative judgments one might make about a fat girl. I was encouraged to sit with owning my body as me for a bit. What an amazing experience to sit with that for a bit, imagining that photo and slowly but surely coming to grips with it being me, not some random photo of some other girl, but me. In spite of the fact that my body does not look the way I want it to look (yet), it is still me. The me now...as I am...

I have been reminded my body does reflect part of my story. My past story, past decisions that were made for me and by me, past hurts and betrayals, and even past joys. AND it reflects my current decisions, my healing and the work yet to be done. What you see is not always what you get. What you see..is just the starting point to inquire and learn more.

With that said...

I AM

I am ....
both a little girl and a grown woman.
longing to be known and loved.
deserving to be known and loved.
known and loved.

I am...
beautiful and gracious
forgiving and compassionate
motivated and determined
more than merely surviving.

I am ...
powerful and strong
a wounded survivor
with a grateful heart
and an indomitable spirit.

I am ...
an Aunt and a Sister
A daughter and a friend
a future wife and mother
A woman created for relationship.

I am ...
a runner and a spinner
a swimmer and a biker
an athlete, no, a triathlete
breaking free.

I am...ME!

But there is more...oh so much more

I have...
dreams waiting to happen
stories ready to be told
truths worth sharing
Love ready to be given.

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make.

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray

I have...
hope for today and tomorrow too
Peace within me
Mercy raining down on me
Grace sustaining me.

I have...
working hands and feet
propelling me on each day
Victory is within my reach
more healing to be had.

Losing for Life!

A couple weeks ago, my cousin called me up while I was out with friends and started talking about TBL, my weight loss, the Pound for Pound Challenge and a Pregnancy Resource Center that her mom works at. Somehow, she combined all of these things and started talking about how for every pound I lose, she is going to donate $1 to the AAA Pregnancy Resource Center. My response? Uummm ok, great!?!!! She proceeded to talk (mind you I was sitting in a bar, having a beer with friends and was only partially hearing all of what she was saying!). She went on to talk about a Facebook Group and how she wants to invite all of her friends and family (which is also MY family) to join her in this. My response....umm ok...but hey I gotta go, we will talk more tomorrow...

I hung up the phone and realized what I just said yes to! My weight loss journey is about to become far more public than ever before. It is one thing to have this blog, where sure it is technically open to the whole world, but it is very limited still as far as who in my "real" world knows about it and still to this day, my brother is the only family to know about it! I wasn't sure exactly how this would work, but I did know that this organization was now going to be depending on my weight loss for a portion of their funding. Talk about significance! OK! So I SAY I want to make a difference...and then it is like God saying..."Game on!"

The next morning, this Facebook Group was up and running. It took me a week and a half to invite my friends to it and I am just now writing about it on here. And today, I was doing my first official weigh in for this challenge? I am not sure what to call it. So, in addition to writing here, I will be posting in the FB group, and once a month I will be posting a picture of the scale on the FB group! Craziness!! Who knew that my weight loss would ever become something bigger than me and about something more than me! SO here we go!

Today I went to visit this Pregnancy Resource Center. One because I was invited by my Aunt and secondly because I thought I should have a better understanding of what they do...for when I want to give up! I am in awe of what they do. I got to see my Aunt's face light up as she talked about all that she does there, the women that come in, and they get to help them make the best possible choice.

Often times places such as this are villianized as a place that uses strong arm tactics or scare tactics to convince women that they should never have an abortion. While this organization promotes abstinence and does not advocate or give any kind of referral for abortion, they do not use gruesome photos of aborted fetuses or even gruesome descriptions of the abortion process to dissuade women from this choice. Instead, they step in and walk along side a woman, always recognizing the choice they have to make is never, ever easy. It is not something to be taken lightly or without careful consideration. They provide free counseling, education, pregnancy tests, and even sonograms. They have a store filled with all the necessities a child would need. Diapers, wipes, clothing, car seats, swings, formula, shoes, etc. They even have gas cards if there is cash available to purchase them. All of these things are purchased with tokens provided by the center. The tokens are earned by taking classes on things such as parenting skills, breast-feeding, money management and budgeting. They can also earn tokens for completing Bible Studies or going to a church service of their choice.

Here is the amazing thing. ALL of this is provided through donations. There is no federal or state funding available for this organization. I imagine there could be, if they were willing to compromise their values, but since they are not it is all run off of donations and volunteers. There are only 3 paid staff and 2 of those are part time. There are at least 20 regular volunteers who help organize the donations, staff the store, teach classes, provide counseling, and answer phones. As for funding, much of their funding comes from individuals and churches who support their work. But much of it comes from their "bottle drives". They pass out baby bottles and have people fill them with their change. Often churches will have diaper drives or "baby showers" to help restock the store. All of this is soo incredible!

While there I saw one woman come in with her young child. She apparently has a hard time understanding the bible, so she has been allowed to watch videos on the Bible for her Bible studies. She was soo excited to have recently watched a video about prayer and was telling my Aunt that she was disappointed that they couldn't find the video on Matthew last time she was in. The women who come here are varied. Some are married others are not. Some are lower income and need the resources this place provides. Others are in crisis and need to make some really hard decisions. But all of them, regardless of their status or station in life, need someone to listen to them, to walk with them, and to not judge them. They all at some point may need a hug or a hand, and there is an army of volunteers ready to offer that and so much more.

I know this is long but I wanted to tell you about this amazing organization and the hope that it is providing. If you are on Facebook, and are interested in joining this group, look up "pound for a cause, just a dollar!" You can choose to donate less than a dollar if you need to. Even a quarter per pound lost would be an end result of almost 45 dollars when I reach my goal weight! $45 for the Center will provide almost 5 $10 gas cards. or 8 $5 gift cards for the local consignment shop. SO it makes a difference. If you are not on FB, you of course see my weight loss updates and can go directly to the Center website and donate that way!

Ok so here are some pictures that I took today then I am done with this post!!

Aunt Jan with 2 volunteers in the store!

Some of the books/videos available for "sale" in the store!

A couple volunteers, busy counting and prepping the inventory, eventually a couple ladies came in to "shop" with their tokens!

On the right are things like shoes and onsies packaged into sets of 3 or baggies of socks or bibs.

A local church just did their annual diaper drive. While diapers are stacked floor to ceiling on this wall as well as the opposing wall...and more in my aunts office plus the stock that is already in the store, in about 2 months this supply will be depleted and they will be scrambling for more!



This is a primary source of the Center's Funding. While there, a local ministry brought these in. There are probably 50 bottles in here full of change ready to be counted and spent!

Here is one last crazy thing that just shows the desperate need of this ministry in this place at this time in history. About 1 mile away is another kind of crisis pregnancy center. This one actually provides abortions. Last year, this place was cited for improper disposal of "medical waste". This medical waste was not used syringes or bloody bandages. But rather it was aborted fetuses. I am not going to describe what I saw in the newspaper article that I read about this finding, but let me just say it was clearly not just a blob of tissue. If the Center that my Aunt works at was not there, there would not be an alternative that not only educates but walks with a woman as she lives out her choice!

Reality Check!

AS I said in my last post, the last few weeks have been filled with travelling and not eating the best and not much exercise to even make up for it. I think the worst thing I did with my eating was to not eat as regularly as I should and skipping meals completely. It is because I skipped alot of meals that I know I did not go over calories.

My plan was to weigh in yesterday, but I got a later start leaving Grand Rapids....yes I always procrastinate my departure...and well, I don't like to eat anything before I weigh in. So, it was noon before I even made it to Aaron's office to deliver a coffee and say bye to him...and he very gently (as is his way) asked me if I was still planning not to eat until after I weighed in! (which would put my first meal of the day after 3 PM!). Nope, not planning to do that anymore...so I stopped and had lunch with Carol...then headed home. Of course, then I did not want to weigh in with food in me....do you see my procrastination???? I was very nervous about how bad my last few weeks were going to show on the scale!

SO this morning, I was procrastinating once again, but still moving towards getting ready to go out to weigh in when I received a text from Aaron...wondering where the scale update was!! All right! All right!! Already! I will move faster!

All that to say, I weighed in today for the first time since my gain of 1.4 lbs and found I had lost 2 LBS. I was quite surprised! I got off the scale and then got back on! It read the same thing! I couldn't believe it! It is interesting....all my talk about how the scale is just a tool for feedback. Completely unbiased honest feedback...and yet I still fear it at times...guess that is one more idol that needs to keep being brought back down to the low place it deserves, even when it gives me numbers I like!

I am now .5 lbs from hitting 50 LBS!! Come on Tuesday!!! I am excited because on my weight loss ticker in my sidebar...I am now far enough away from my starting weight that you can read all 3 numbers...starting weight, current weight, and goal weight!! Before you wouldn't have known there was a starting weight, then it overlapped it and didn't know what it was!! Very fun!!

WOW! Need to Assess...and update!

Oh My word!!! I was thinking it is time to do a blog again, but with an update on where I am weight/exercise wise, then Adam went and added a bunch of goals to my goal list, which I feel need some explaining/refuting/or checking off, and then just a plain old update of all the excitement/thoughts since last Wednesday,...been alot of stuff going on...so you might want to go grab a bottle of water, perhaps an apple and settle in for a long read! Don't let me forget about the "pound for a cause" thingy!

Let's start with the fitness/food/exercise update. The last time I wrote about this, I had gained for the first time in 2009. I have not weighed in since then. Fortunately, this has not been ad avoidance thing. It was a practical thing. Since weighing in last, I have been in GR, more than I have been home. I have actually only been home for 2 days so my regularly appointed scale was not available to me. My plan is to weigh in tomorrow when I get home. IN fact, I will get up and go back to the "D" and go straight to the scale and see where I am at. One would think I would be nervous about this as I have not been counting calories, although I am quite certain 95% of the time I did not go over calories. I have sucked at eating "regularly" often going far to long between meals or skipping meals completely. And since often others were cooking for me or I was eating out, counting just became far too much of a chore and I got lazy. On top of that, my exercise has not been regular. Lots of excuses really. It turned cold again...and who wants to run in the cold? And I can't get into my old Y because they have a new policy about guests. All this to say, I hope I have held steady...but I will take whatever it is like a man...and go again. I am actually looking forward to getting home and re-establishing the routine I had just begun to get a grasp on before I started all this travelling back and forth. SO that is that! Not beating myself up, just looking at reality and preparing to go strong....and hit that 50 LB mark next week....for DANG SURE!!!

NOW, I don't know if any of you actually pay attention to my goal list on my sidebar...but if you do...you will notice that last night it grew!! By almost 15! Adam had my computer and we were talking about skiing next year and we discovered that wasn't on the list...so I had him add it. Well, he went a bit overboard and decided to make up some goals for me as well. But since somehow I think I agreed to keep these up here for a week, I feel the need to explain them in some way!

solo sail around the world-while this would be fun....I would get far too lonely, so not gonna happen!

go BASE jumping-Umm Nope, not unless he does it with me! And he is a chicken so it also not likely to happen!

play rock band drums on expert-LOL, if you all only knew how bad I was at drums! I can not even clap on beat at church, so Rock Band Drums on Easy is hilarious let alone Expert!! But this I will attempt...Besides, attempting means I come back to GR for the opportunity! Have a Rock Band Party...I will come!

play the trumpet-Been there done that...back in Jr. High...But I will learn again...soon...and play for him...although since he is an expert player (tongue in cheek) I am sure I will be quite intimidated!

do a flip off the diving board-I do not jump off of things...including diving boards...so doing a flip will be a feat...I will agree to this one!

clean the Medema Mansion-Have done this before. (this is his home, so that is why he wants me to clean it!)

do a handstand-Adam you left the pool early on filming day..I did this...and have it on video!!! Snooze you lose my friend!

go surfing-might be fun...we will see

lay on a bed of nails-He is nuts! I do not like pain without a purpose...there is no purpose in this!

walk across burning coals-see bed of nails!

blow bubbles-So are you saying Adam I need to be like a child again? Not a problem! Will you blow with me?

tight rope walk the Grand Canyon-You first!!!

OK, this is longer than I thought...I will update you on the TV commercial, the fundraiser, and umm my weigh in tomorrow!

Red Carpet Photo Extravaganza!

These are not in any particular order....just whatever order they uploaded in....
On the catwalk, I think I just realized that "I'm too Sexy" is what is being played! SO of course I had to do my little turn on the catwalk, yeaahhh!

Aaron is attempting to pop the bubbly as I think I am beginning to see the lies! lies! lies! that have been told or at least truths withheld as they pulled together this surprise!

Some of the paparazzi!

And here is the tiara and boa! I think the flowers are on the counter next to my right arm!!

Me and my friend Jason...apparently at the end of the Red Carpet, and it looks like I am burning it up!!

Listening to Coach as he toasts me and my "ever increasingly smaller ass"! (His favorite thing to say to me!)

All the glasses...and see that gorgeous woman...that is the script director extraordinaire(RD) and ABS, who have spent I don't KNOW how many hours putting all this together!! and of course Aaron.

This is ABS, the most amazing cinematographer, producer, creative genius, I have ever met...ok he is the only one I have ever met and known, but still!! He has such a way of making me feel comfortable in front of a camera...as comfortable as one who is not an actor can be anyway! I guess comfortable is not the word...safe...I felt safe sharing my story on camera in front of him!

I'm to sexy....yeah......

The red carpet...all laid out...I am approaching it and am beginning to realize the surprise!

And ....the title page to my video...no you cannot click on it and make it play...it is just a photo of the tv screen!

The longest day of my life!

Yes friends, if you didn't know it before, you know it now, I am back in my beloved GR this week. Yes I know, I should just move back here. After tonight I am convinced I will figure out a way! My trip this time, was 2 fold. One I had long standing symphony tickets....and since the TBL video submission deadline is fast approaching, the plan was to have my video completed tonight...after some last minute filming on Monday.

After filming on Monday, it was decided that Wednesday at 8:30, the premiere viewing of my video would take place. Outside of one small clip ABS showed me on Monday, I have seen nothing of this project. No footage or anything. I simply had to trust a man, I don't know very well, but who is good friends with Coach and Aaron, whom I trust without question. Needless to say, I have been anxiously awaiting Wednesday at 8:30. I am not one to usually lose sleep over things, but I was sooo excited, I have not slept well the last 2 nights and well, I am not so sure I am gonna sleep tonight either!

I did not have a huge agenda for the day, but I was meeting one friend for coffee and then having a sushi dinner with a few friends prior to the Premiere, as we have taken to calling it. But I also had a couple friends who have been integral to my journey coming over to watch the video at 8:30 as well. We had a lovely dinner, but while at dinner, Adam gets a text message from ABS, "need more time" is the basic gist of the message. And ABS didn't want me at the house until he was really ready, lest I see something before the big viewing. SO...we couldn't go back yet. As time passed, further text messages were coming in, expounding the woes of technology and how even more time was needed. At 8:15 I said, we needed to leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. We ended up at the mall, sitting in massage chairs and visiting the Apple store and painfully killing time. While at the apple store...we get another message. "40 minutes...I am not kidding!"

My face fell. All of the anticipation that had been building just deflated. I knew there would be people at the house, waiting. And of course I was awaiting this, but what can one do when technology won't cooperate! Shortly after that Scottie gets a phone call, that basically says that we can come, even though it isn't quite ready, my friends would rather watch me squirm there. But I overheard something that led me to believe that the stalling had all been intentional. SO I began to suspect trickery. But I had no idea!!!

As we pull up, there is a "no parking" sign in the driveway and as I look up, there are people standing in the driveway...I thought, that crazy ABS is making them wait in the cold? As I got out, a floodlight came on and I noticed a "red carpet" covering the entire length of the driveway. (They have a long driveway) There were "paparazzi"present all along the carpet taking photos as I walked up. And music was playing...."I'm too sexy"! Yep, of course I had to strut my stuff on the "cat walk"As I walked, I had a feather boa put on me, flowers placed in my hand, and eventually a tiara got placed on my head. It was hilarious fun! My friends LOVE me! This I know! For their actions tell me so!

When we finally made it into the house, we had a champagne toast! You seriously would have thought that a "big deal" celebrity had just arrived. I was overwhelmed. It was then I began to realize and connect the dots to conversations I had with Aaron and Carol and began to see...they were ALL in on this. This was not the work of just one person! But about a dozen, all working to surprise me! It worked guys! I don't think I have ever been so surprised in my life!

We finally moved into the viewing room to watch the video, where ABS and RD introduced the film and their experience working on it. I was touched and overwhelmed by their words. We watched the video and while I cannot post it or tell you much about it, I can say ABS and RD are geniuses at taking me and my story and telling it in such a beautiful way without taking away from who I am. The whole thing reflected who I am at my core. It was funny, vulnerable, honest and real. It was me! I was stunned into silence. Even now I have no adequate words to express what I think and feel. I feel like I have just reported the excitement of the day. But what else can I add?

I am loved. If I ever doubted or questioned it before....there is nothing of that remaining. And while the waiting was frustrating...in the end it was well worth it!

I am wordless when it comes to what I feel, not because I am not feeling anything, but there are no words to describe it all, that exist in the English language!

When I get some of the pictures of all of the trickery that went down...I will post them for you all to see!

Thoughts for the new photo...

I was trying to post this photo I found from a trip I took last year to my blog header. However, as it posted it was far to big...so I clicked the shrink to fit button and this is what I got! At first I tried to change it up and "fix" it so it looked "right", then I realized that this is what I always do...make things "right".

SO I began to look at the photo and realized it can actually tell a story too...that fits with this journey...so here are my thoughts.

Sometimes as I travel along, (particularly in light of a gain week) I feel like I am thrashing around a bit, lost and like there just is no road or even a path to be travelling on. The journey is hard and I get scratched up from the trees and may even tumble into poison ivy or trip over roots coming up out of the ground. Then I get so caught up in the very spot I am and how I don't know how I got so far off the path that I cannot see it anymore! But the truth is, if I stop looking down at the ground immediately before me, I am not so far off the path. If you look at the photo, the road can still be seen, and is pretty easy to get to actually...I just gotta get my eyes off the immediate circumstances and focus on the distance...where I am headed...and keep moving. The trees, roots, poison ivy and any other obstacle can be my training tools to ensure I make it the whole distance or they can be obstacles that hinder me. I get to choose.

Lord help me to see them as tools when I feel like this and when I miss Him showing me...I am sure you all will be quick to point out a new tool! :-)

My first non-loss of 2009

Hmmm...I should warn you that this will be a long post...but all my posts end up long. I should probably only warn you if it is gonna be short, so you don't think something is missing :-)

On 3/3 I weighed in at 312.5. On 3/13 I weighed in a couple days late from my normal Tuesday weigh in because I was out of town and weighed 307.1 (loss of 5.4). Today I weighed in and weighed 308.5. Yes folks I gained 1.4 lbs. This is the first time in 09 that I have not lost. Not only did I not lose, but I gained.

I wish I could say that I ate well all week and was faithful in my exercise every single day. I wish I could chalk it up to my body not cooperating or water weight gain or some other thing that I don't really have control over. But I can't. Not without lying.

There are several factors that contributed to this gain. All of them controllable by me, which is what makes me not disappointed or discouraged, but rather pissed off...at myself. I let circumstances play too huge a role in my decisions and clearly my choices have consequences.

1. On Saturday I went to a baby shower where I ate the food provided. I didn't really overeat here, but I didn't make the best choices of what was laid before me. Then I added cake to the mix and ice cream. At the time, I was ok with things here because even people who are healthy eat unhealthy things at times and are ok. It is taking it to extremes that is unhealthy. I had 3 bites of cake and probably the same of the ice cream and decided I was done.

2. Later I went to a a Euchre party at my Aunt's house. My plan, since I had already eaten alot at the baby shower was to grab Subway on my way...and not eat the party food. Well, I couldn't find the Subway, so I got really frustrated and just went to the party trying to convince myself I wasn't really hungry anyway, and I can just not eat anything there. That plan fell apart within minutes of my arrival. My uncle made me a Yummy drink (pineapple juice and rum....and Yes I do drink on occasion)

A strange dynamic happens for me at this house. They all think I am the "good girl". I don't drink and I never do anything wrong. Yeah right! I am human people! But seriously they have this image of me that I don't do anything wrong, so if they see me with a drink in hand, they are quite shocked and comment on my goodness, whatever that is. So for some reason when here, I feel like I am always trying to show them how not good I am. I know strange, right? Who doesn't want to be perceived as good? Well, when it is almost pedestal like, I don't like it...and I try to keep jumping off the pedestal.

So the conversation throughout the night with various people at various times was...how "good" I was and how much weight I have lost and how good I look. So I ended up drinking more than I "should" which just helped me to toss my good intentions towards eating out the window and eat while drinking...and while amongst my inner circle and on this blog my weight is talked about often, it seems different somehow and all the talk about how "good" I look was actually wearing on me after a while.

All that to say, I made really poor choices for a large variety of possible reasons. I have no idea what I consumed this day in eating...but my drinks alone were at least 900 calories...by the time I was done. That is HALF of my allotted calories for 1 day...so I am POSITIVE i was over..by ALOT.

3. I was excited about possibly hitting my 50 lb marker and being able to check that off my goal list. I realize 50 lbs is a lot and it is 1/4 of my total goal and is a big deal!! I also know that in any given weight loss attempt I have never made it beyond 60 lbs. The last time I stopped losing weight, in hindsight, it was comments about how good I was looking that sent me over the edge. Back then I had not even begun to look seriously at my sexual abuse issues beyond knowing that it definitely has had an impact. So as I approach 50 lbs, the comments are starting, and there are fears about whether I have what it takes to go farther than ever before...and to finish what I started. But because of my past I have to question whether there is any self-sabotaging going on. I have been thinking about this all day and I am still not sure. But I cannot ignore the question. Part of me thinks that on some level yes, there was some self-sabotaging. If it was, I don't think it accounted it all.

I am not giving up! I am not discouraged! I am pissed off! This time IS different. I am asking myself hard questions in the face of this gain. I am not avoiding reality or making excuses for why the scale says what it says. The scale has served its purpose this week. It has given me feedback about the realities of the choices I made. By listening to the feedback, asking the questions, not succumbing to despair, and letting people in to where I am at...it just proves that I am different. I am growing in health...physically, mentally and spiritually....and that my friends is what I am after. Whole health.

I will leave you with a quote from Aaron. He said this to me in November via email, which ironically was the last time I think I had a gain and I was discouraged because that time, I had done everything right. I found it this week before I found out I gained and actually used it to encourage someone else. It is fitting and timely for this as I continue to pursue whole health, despite my gain.

"This journey is about more than just weight! It is about a wholly healthy you (spiritually and physically). If you made good eating choices, were diligent about hitting the gym, and humble before God this week and still gained a little then no worries. Weight is one measure of progress, but your heart is a truer one." Aaron

10,000 feelings!

What a lovely day! Full of soo many emotions!For those who don' know me personally, this is a big deal and something to be celebrated!

It started out a bit rough, I got some sad news late last night from a friend and I fell asleep praying for him and just feeling sad about some things. I woke the same way, with this friend on my mind and wondering how it is that things turn out the way they do. Then I just got angry. Satan is such a liar and a thief and destroyer. Stupid...evil...!@#$%

Then I got mail! I opened my email to find a sneak peek teaser clip of my audition video sent to me for my viewing pleasure. Can I just say, that ABS (film guy) is a genius! A 30 second clip and if I wasn't sold on trusting him to put my story in film before...I do now! Happiness, excitement, anticipation, joy!

Then...I got a phone call from Nicole! Would I like to go to Kensington for a walk with her and baby Nic? Heck Yeah! Kensington is my absolute favorite park in East Michigan and it is a gorgeous day! So we went for a walk...a 3.5 mile walk. It is amazing how walking that far seems like so little when...1. You are in the presence of a good friend and 2. you are in decent shape, despite the size. When we ended, I looked at my pedometer and told her how far we had walked...and both of us were surprised! SO easy! While on the walk...we decided that Spring is a lovely time of year in Michigan. It is like the earth is waking up. Walking this same path in winter...all you hear is the crunch of your feet on snow....but now...NOW you hear the birds chirping, the woodpeckers pecking, the squirrels chattering. We saw a muskrat in the river...and the best part...2 cranes decided to walk down the same path we were on. They were heading towards us...and like any polite couple on a walk....moved off to the side and walked off path (3 feet away) as they passed us. We turned to watch as they moved back on the path as they passed us and just continued down the path....like this is NORMAL!!! Absolute delight in God's creation, peace, joy, comfort, love, surprised.

I came home from this lovely time to be able to find my friend Lisa from Kosovo online and I was able to chat with her for a bit. We talked about some things going on in Kosovo with some of the kids there that just made me angry again at the deceitfulness of Satan and how he just never gives up. The thing is...he just doesn't know what he has unleashed in me...by messin' with my people!!! Then somehow we got on a topic of my story (abuse story). I am still not sure how this happened, but it was so good to talk to her about these things. It must have been a God thing! So good! anger, love, comfort, peace, healing.

Had some dinner...worried about my weigh in tomorrow. Thought briefly about not eating anything tonight and just waiting to eat again until after the weigh in tomorrow...but dismissed that thought pretty quick. Regardless of the scale, I am after total health...and that kind of mentality and behavior is not healthy. I would love it if I lost at least 1.1 lbs this week as then I will officially be at the 50 lb mark. Nervous, anxiousness.

Then I decided to go for a run. I headed over to the state rec area by my house with a plan to run the trails there. My plan was to drive to where it meets the river then run up to the campground...which I figure is about 2 maybe 2.5 miles. If it was still light enough, I would go back...if not...I would walk home...because the campground is about a half mile from my house and have mom drive me back to get my car. So off I went. It was so pretty with the evening sky overhead peeking through the bare trees. I have decided that while trail running is harder...I think I like it best so far. I don't seem to pay attention to time or distance. I just run until I simply cannot run anymore. Sometimes that is a long time...sometimes it is 100 yards or so. Then I walk. Peace, awe, inspired, strong.

Then, the light began to fade really fast. I looked around and realized I am not sure how far I have gone or how much further to the campground. I have never been on this trail before and in the fading light I began to panic that what if I am not on the path I think I am. What if I am not heading towards the campground at all. I went forward for a little longer thinking I need to decide. Am I going to keep going or not? If not I need to turn back now (or 10 minutes ago) to make sure I get back to my car and don't get lost in the woods at night. I chose to turn back. I began to run but I could not run faster than the fading light. I could no longer see the mud slicks that I managed to avoid on the way out, so I began to slip and slide. Then as I was still trying to avoid mud, I was tripping over twigs and sticks, that I swear were not on the path on my way out. With panic beginning to set in my mind began to race, my heart began to pump with adrenaline as the full realization of the stupidity of this situation hit me. Clearly someone had followed behind me putting sticks and stones in my path to trip me up, right? I began to think of all the horrors that happen to women on dark lonely paths. I realized how alone I was...and how stupid this idea was to do this so close to dark! THEN my mind decided to remind me that a few years back, a young woman did get raped and killed in these very woods. Granted it was by her boyfriend that she had broken up with and he didn't like that very much...but still. I ran faster. I ran until I couldn't breathe and absolutely HAD to walk lest I pass out. I walked as fast as I could until I was able to breathe again then I took off running. Based on a pure estimate, I think I made it back to my car in half the time it took me to get out there. It is amazing how fast adrenaline can make you go when you feel like your very life might depend on it! I got back and in the light of the car, I was able to see my pedometer. 3 miles. Which means that I was closer to home than to my car when I decided to turn back. Ironic! Terror, fear, relief.

I got home in time to see that my mom had a TV show on called "How I met your Mother"....or something like that. Which I had noticed on Facebook earlier that a friend of mine was going to be on that show. She had told us what to watch for..as she is an extra. If you watched this show...my friend Tamara was the woman on the TV screen that was having a baby and one of the main characters delivered it. It was quite cool to see her on TV! Pleasure, joy, happiness, excitement, pride.

Now...I am feeling silly for writing all this out. But all in all...I did 6.5 miles today. Pride, accomplished, strong.

I've GOT this Thang!

The Pain of Transformation

I have been home...in Detroit...for about a month now and I have already had 1 trip back to my beloved GR, which turned out to be a desperately needed reprieve. It wasn't until I crossed into Kent County that I realized how incredibly stressed out I had been when suddenly I felt lighter and more peaceful and ready to keep going again. I stayed as long as I could just breathing in the West Michigan air until the realities of Detroit called me back.

Ultimately the reality is this. I AM living in Detroit. I will probably always want to be somewhere else, but for now, that would be plain old fantasy land! In GR, I have a place filled with relationships created based on what I wanted and needed, not on history or old beliefs. I didn't have 32 years of history and habits and actions/reactions to family. I didn't have as many negative automatic triggers that send me spiraling. More specifically, I didn't have temptations around in relative abundance. If I wanted chips or chocolate in GR, it had to be very intentional. I had to actually go to the store for it because it wasn't kept in the house. There was no "mindless eating".

Where am I going with this? I did have a point when I started this...really I did. Oh yes! This process of losing 200 + lbs is transformative. Life changing. There is NO WAY someone can lose that much weight and not be completely changed. In GR, this transformation process was easier, simply because of how my life was set up, who I had in my life, and how they stood with me on a daily basis. By no means was it easy...but it was easier. Now though is where the rubber meets the road. Now is where the transformation process gets painful. Now I get to really decide each day whether I am going to stick with this or am I going to cave because it is easier. I have to choose not between 2 healthy choices set before me, but rather...my healthy choice vs my old favorite food from childhood...like fried chicken or creamed chicken or fried pork chops. Now my choice for a different kind of life, a different way of relating to food, a different way of looking at fitness and health and exercise...now is when it gets real.

Transformation is hard my friends. Especially when transformation means becoming something completely different than you once were. Think caterpillar to butterfly. It takes energy, resolve, commitment, honesty, accountability, determination, perseverance...and it takes a vision. I have been to several leadership/character development workshops. At one, they talked about having a vision that will call you through the pain of transformation. (ahhh yes, I knew I had a point or two to this ramble!)

SO this week I have been thinking about MY vision. The one that is big enough in me that will pull me through the hard times, the tough choices, and hard conversations...to the new me. Is my vision just about wearing that cute yellow dress I talked about? OR the vision of me sky diving? When I think of the big picture, while those things are fun to think about and dream about...it is pretty doggone small...especially when pitted against a choice to go run in the remains of a cold Michigan winter.

I am not completely clear on what my vision fully encompasses. But here is what I do know. It is about choosing life. Scripture talks about a choice being set before us for life or death. We are urged to choose life, that we might live. I choose life! It is also about what kind of life I want to live. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to feel like a physical activity is not impossible for me. I want to feel confident and sexy. I want to be attracted to a guy and feel like I actually have a shot because my weight is not in the way. I want to get married....SOON! I want to feel attractive to my husband and not have my weight interfere in any part of our relationship, not emotionally, psychologically, or physically. I want a great sex life! HA! I said it! I don't want something mediocre in that! I want to have children. I want to be able to keep up with my children and not feel exhausted by them. I want to inspire and encourage others, not just to lose weight, but to be the best they can be...and part of me feels like how can I do that, if I am not being the best I can be? There is no ONE thing that I want that is big enough to pull me through the painful times....but there are a lot of pretty amazing things that added up...make a difference in my choices....These are the things I need to think on when my choice is grilled or fried chicken and regardless of what I choose, fried chicken will still be served....to someone in my house!

While I will not do this perfectly and there will be times that I succumb to the temptations and decide the fried whatever is better than my vision, I am hopeful. (Feel free to remind me of what I am about to say later, because I am sure I will at some point start whining about how hard it is and how I don't want to keep going.) I am hopeful in this moment, that I really am being transformed. I really am becoming someone different as i keep going in this...and hopefully for the better. Transformation is not easy or pain free. It is the very pain in the process that can actually be a basis for hope of lasting change. The kind that brings new life. A kind of life worth living and not just surviving! Vision is what makes this time different...for me.

SO what about you? What is your vision? Why are you working to lose weight or change some other thing about yourself? Is it big enough, powerful enough to get you through the tough times?

Wow, What a feeling!

ok so we all know, if you are a regular reader here, that I have lost 43.5 lbs. What you don't know is that I am still wearing my same clothes. When I wear my jeans I just belt'em up real good and my shirts are just baggy. My gym clothes...well who cares if they fit or not...as long as they are still staying up when I run that is all I care about. I do have some clothes in reserve from the last time I lost weight, but I have been kind of afraid to pull those out, just in case they don't fit yet.

Tonight, a friend and I were talking about weddings that are coming up and I was thinking that I would have to get some new clothes for sure by then. Wondering how much weight I can lose between now and June to look my absolute finest. My friend has some weight to lose, but less than I, so her clothes of course are smaller than mine...and she has some great dresses (although wrong color for me). I pulled out one of her dresses and tried it on tonight. Wow! What a feeling to put on a dress that is 3 sizes smaller than my last known for sure size...and have it fit....really well!!!

Doing a happy dance....but not a Zumba dance! :-) hehehehe HAHAHAHA HOHOHOHO HEHEHEHEH

Can you say Zumba?!

I am in no way shape or form a dancer. I have little coordination at this point and aerobics classes are a challenge in themselves to keep my feet moving in the right direction with the right timing. I do however have fun being silly on a dance floor at a good wedding or some other celebratory gathering. But a club dancer I am not. For one I just can't get into the whole bump n grind dancing that goes on there. Not now and I highly doubt that will change when I am skinny...except maybe with my husband of course :-) but certainly not in public.

With that said, I went with a friend to a Zumba class last night. I never thought I would do one of these classes given my lack of coordination mentioned above, but I will pretty much do anything for a friend. And this friend needed someone to go with her. I am hoping she will find something that will keep her moving in this direction that she really enjoys. Anyway, I digress. This class was actually fun! But not as difficult as 20/20/20 or 3-2-1.

It was quite comical. 10 Ladies in this tiny dance classroom, dancing to Latin and hip hop music in front of a big mirror. I kept up pretty good and when I had no idea what they were doing with their feet...something like heel, toe, tap tap switch feet...and again...I just moved my feet around as fast as possible and moved in the general direction that they did (so I didn't crash into anyone). Besides needing quick feet, we got to pretend we were riding a horse and swinging a lasso)that was the BEST!), we got to crump? I think that is what it is called, we got to do a small version of the macarena, and then there was what I call the gorilla dance. Yes, friends the gorilla dance. Stand with your legs wide and take wide steps forward forward back back and now swing your arms and bend over slightly...do this really fast! Then on to the butt dance. Legs hip distance apart, tighten the legs and shake the patutee so that your but jiggles and shakes really fast...now shimmy! On top of all that extreme hilarity then came the hip swings.

Yes my friends, I swing my hips, circled my hips, and even thrust my hips. Many times. Sometimes it was a kind of swing dance swinging. Then there was the squat lower and rotate/gyrate the hips. Other times it was a basic circling of the hips like hula hooping. And I think you know the definition of thrust! I felt like I was on a club dance floor except I wasn't being sandwiched by others. I was doing this line dance style. It was weird. Scandalous even!!! HAHA

All in all, I would do this with my friend if that is what it will take for her to go back or if it was offered for free at my gym, but I wouldn't pay special money for it. While it was fun, it wasn't a huge workout for me. But that is just me. This would however be a great class to take right before I get married...so I can learn to dance for my husband! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sorry Kenny, You might want to erase that from your memory!)

Until then, I will most definitely continue to enjoy my uncoordinated, off beat celebratory dancing at weddings and other such gatherings! Dang I got two of those coming up in June!! How much can I lose by then so I can look smoking!!!????

Quick Update, cuz I am TIRED!

I arrived in my beloved GR Thursday night. It has done my heart good to be here. I had no idea how much I needed to come for a visit and am so very glad I am here. I would like to say that I love this place simply for the people I love dearly here, but it isn't just that. Driving down the familiar roads and I just feel at home. Like this place is mine. I feel more alive here than anywhere else. IT is weird. The minute I crossed in to Kent County Thursday night I just felt better, more at peace, more in control, more at home.

Yesterday, I went for a run along a trail system we have here called Kent Trails. I have never been on these paths before since I wasn't exercising outside...in PUBLIC (GASP!) But since I am so over that, I went out. I initially thought I would run out 1 mile then back for a 2 mile run. But as I hit the 1 mile mark, I thought...you know I feel good, I can do another. During that first mile, I ran almost the whole way! I was so excited. I have never run so far. Is it common to build up so quickly? Or am I pushing myself to hard? The 2nd mile, I also ran almost the whole thing...and when I got to the next marker I looked at my pedometer and it said I had already gone 2.73 miles. WHAT??? But I thought it was 1 mile between street crossings! Guess not! So I turned around....and ran back....I did a bit more walking this time. Since I have NEVER run more than 2 miles, I had already exceeded that by a lot and with my actual running time being far more than ever before. My hips were getting tight and I could feel my right knee getting tight too. I ran about half of the way back in shorter intervals. Total mileage? 5.54 miles! WooHooo!!! So proud! I need to stop doing so well,lest this become the normal expectation! What if I don't feel like running 5 tomorrow? But because I know I can....I will have to...cuz I can't not do what I know I can....right?

Today, I did the final filming for my audition video. I needed a shirt that said that"I am kind of a big deal" because if you saw the equipment these guys brought in , you might have thought that a serious movie was taking place. I mean there was a dolly that the camera sat on with a camera guy manning it while someone else pulled or pushed it next to me while I ran. It was ridiculous overkill...but OH SO FUN! Even if I am not picked, I am gonna have one sweet video of myself! By the time we were done on the track and the treadmill I had run or walked over 4 miles. And on the treadmill, I pushed it to 7! Yeah I'll do anything for a camera!! :-) We moved on to the spin room where we got some extra special footage with Coach and Adam riding next to me! Not as much fun in here, but the footage will be worth it! I hope...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy! We ended the day in the pool where I learned my video guy thinks I don;t clown around. He doesn't know me very well. He has only known me under these circumstances where I am not in my most comfortable state! Ahhh for him to get to know me under normal circumstances! Needless to say I started clowning around a little in the water...flipping, doing handstands, and the like.

All in all, I am not allowed to see the footage. He is afraid I will eliminate possibilities if I see the footage in its raw state. Sooo I wait while he puts something together for my approval. I trust my video guy....I trust my video guy...I trust my....

Good night.....I started all that at 1 PM....I got done about 6:30 PM...I am tired!