I am!

I started out with a blog post that talked of who I am despite the body or shell that holds me. For some odd reason, I sent it on to a couple of people as a preview and got some really good feedback. The feedback I heard was that if I separate me from my body, the story is incomplete. Some might make judgements when they see my body that I am lazy, tired, uneducated, bitter, angry, lonely, sad, or unworthy. Oh how wrong those judgments would be. They are incomplete. While I have been those things at times and probably will experience those things again in my lifetime, it is not the whole picture. I am more than just my body, but my body does tell part of the story of me.

I started out my other post talking about an image I had of me, during filming, doing a standing climb on a spin bike in my sports bra and tight shorts, in front of 4 men and actually finding the image beautiful. Yet, I still continued to separate myself from it and make it not me. Fascinating friends, fascinating. Because my thoughts about the girl in the photo were and still are....beautiful, powerful, strong, courageous, amazing, inspiring, happy, focused, determined, well loved...fascinating how I separated myself from that and only associated myself with the negative judgments one might make about a fat girl. I was encouraged to sit with owning my body as me for a bit. What an amazing experience to sit with that for a bit, imagining that photo and slowly but surely coming to grips with it being me, not some random photo of some other girl, but me. In spite of the fact that my body does not look the way I want it to look (yet), it is still me. The me now...as I am...

I have been reminded my body does reflect part of my story. My past story, past decisions that were made for me and by me, past hurts and betrayals, and even past joys. AND it reflects my current decisions, my healing and the work yet to be done. What you see is not always what you get. What you see..is just the starting point to inquire and learn more.

With that said...

I AM

I am ....
both a little girl and a grown woman.
longing to be known and loved.
deserving to be known and loved.
known and loved.

I am...
beautiful and gracious
forgiving and compassionate
motivated and determined
more than merely surviving.

I am ...
powerful and strong
a wounded survivor
with a grateful heart
and an indomitable spirit.

I am ...
an Aunt and a Sister
A daughter and a friend
a future wife and mother
A woman created for relationship.

I am ...
a runner and a spinner
a swimmer and a biker
an athlete, no, a triathlete
breaking free.

I am...ME!

But there is more...oh so much more

I have...
dreams waiting to happen
stories ready to be told
truths worth sharing
Love ready to be given.

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make.

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray

I have...
hope for today and tomorrow too
Peace within me
Mercy raining down on me
Grace sustaining me.

I have...
working hands and feet
propelling me on each day
Victory is within my reach
more healing to be had.

Out of the mouths of Babe's

OK, I WAS gonna take a photo to go along with this post, but well, after I took it I decided it was just absolutely wrong and possibly criminal to subject you to a photo of my belly roll. My thought was I should get the humiliation over with now just IN CASE I make it on TBL. But rational thoughts kicked in when I saw the photo and I decided, IF I make it on the show, I will cross the bridge of showing my belly to the world when I get there. Until then, use your imagination if you don't have a belly roll, or picture yourself if you do. If you are using your imagination though, please use someone other than myself for your visual! :-)

So here is the story to go with the title!

I was changing into my workout clothes this week when my 2 yr old niece walked in to see what I was up to. She found me shirtless. Oh well! She is 2 right!! What can a 2 yr old possible think?

Emma: Auntie, what are you doing?

Me: Well I am changing my clothes, so I can go to the gym.

Emma: Auntie, what is that? (mind you she is pointing at my belly roll!)

Me: hmmm...well Emma, that is my belly.

Emma: Me don't like it!

Me: Me neither, Babe, me neither!


Later, after the gym we were cuddling and watching something on Nickelodeon and she says.

Emma: Auntie, you have a belly here (pointing to the roll she doesn't like) and here (pointing to the 2nd roll but only on one side of me) and here (pointing to the other side)

Me: Yep, I do. :-(

Emma: Me don't like it!

Me: Me neither, Babe, Me neither!

Gotta love their honesty, but dang! Does it have to be THAT honest? Can't they spin it just a little so as not to sting quite so much?