Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night!

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Poem by Dylan Thomas

My translation: DO not give up!

My Response: Never! I might get wounded and have to limp along for a bit. I might fall down and need some serious help to get back up, I might need someone else to lead the way for a bit, but I won't give up!

I am!

I started out with a blog post that talked of who I am despite the body or shell that holds me. For some odd reason, I sent it on to a couple of people as a preview and got some really good feedback. The feedback I heard was that if I separate me from my body, the story is incomplete. Some might make judgements when they see my body that I am lazy, tired, uneducated, bitter, angry, lonely, sad, or unworthy. Oh how wrong those judgments would be. They are incomplete. While I have been those things at times and probably will experience those things again in my lifetime, it is not the whole picture. I am more than just my body, but my body does tell part of the story of me.

I started out my other post talking about an image I had of me, during filming, doing a standing climb on a spin bike in my sports bra and tight shorts, in front of 4 men and actually finding the image beautiful. Yet, I still continued to separate myself from it and make it not me. Fascinating friends, fascinating. Because my thoughts about the girl in the photo were and still are....beautiful, powerful, strong, courageous, amazing, inspiring, happy, focused, determined, well loved...fascinating how I separated myself from that and only associated myself with the negative judgments one might make about a fat girl. I was encouraged to sit with owning my body as me for a bit. What an amazing experience to sit with that for a bit, imagining that photo and slowly but surely coming to grips with it being me, not some random photo of some other girl, but me. In spite of the fact that my body does not look the way I want it to look (yet), it is still me. The me now...as I am...

I have been reminded my body does reflect part of my story. My past story, past decisions that were made for me and by me, past hurts and betrayals, and even past joys. AND it reflects my current decisions, my healing and the work yet to be done. What you see is not always what you get. What you see..is just the starting point to inquire and learn more.

With that said...

I AM

I am ....
both a little girl and a grown woman.
longing to be known and loved.
deserving to be known and loved.
known and loved.

I am...
beautiful and gracious
forgiving and compassionate
motivated and determined
more than merely surviving.

I am ...
powerful and strong
a wounded survivor
with a grateful heart
and an indomitable spirit.

I am ...
an Aunt and a Sister
A daughter and a friend
a future wife and mother
A woman created for relationship.

I am ...
a runner and a spinner
a swimmer and a biker
an athlete, no, a triathlete
breaking free.

I am...ME!

But there is more...oh so much more

I have...
dreams waiting to happen
stories ready to be told
truths worth sharing
Love ready to be given.

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make.

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray

I have...
hope for today and tomorrow too
Peace within me
Mercy raining down on me
Grace sustaining me.

I have...
working hands and feet
propelling me on each day
Victory is within my reach
more healing to be had.

Reality Check!

AS I said in my last post, the last few weeks have been filled with travelling and not eating the best and not much exercise to even make up for it. I think the worst thing I did with my eating was to not eat as regularly as I should and skipping meals completely. It is because I skipped alot of meals that I know I did not go over calories.

My plan was to weigh in yesterday, but I got a later start leaving Grand Rapids....yes I always procrastinate my departure...and well, I don't like to eat anything before I weigh in. So, it was noon before I even made it to Aaron's office to deliver a coffee and say bye to him...and he very gently (as is his way) asked me if I was still planning not to eat until after I weighed in! (which would put my first meal of the day after 3 PM!). Nope, not planning to do that anymore...so I stopped and had lunch with Carol...then headed home. Of course, then I did not want to weigh in with food in me....do you see my procrastination???? I was very nervous about how bad my last few weeks were going to show on the scale!

SO this morning, I was procrastinating once again, but still moving towards getting ready to go out to weigh in when I received a text from Aaron...wondering where the scale update was!! All right! All right!! Already! I will move faster!

All that to say, I weighed in today for the first time since my gain of 1.4 lbs and found I had lost 2 LBS. I was quite surprised! I got off the scale and then got back on! It read the same thing! I couldn't believe it! It is interesting....all my talk about how the scale is just a tool for feedback. Completely unbiased honest feedback...and yet I still fear it at times...guess that is one more idol that needs to keep being brought back down to the low place it deserves, even when it gives me numbers I like!

I am now .5 lbs from hitting 50 LBS!! Come on Tuesday!!! I am excited because on my weight loss ticker in my sidebar...I am now far enough away from my starting weight that you can read all 3 numbers...starting weight, current weight, and goal weight!! Before you wouldn't have known there was a starting weight, then it overlapped it and didn't know what it was!! Very fun!!

9 weeks...barely!

I lost a half a pound this week. I have officially made 9 weeks in a row of losses. I have to admit though that this is coming a bit close to the no gain/no loss or worse...a gain week for my liking! I also know that I did not work for anything more either which is what is more disappointing than anything else. If I had lost a half pound but knew I had done my best, I THINK that would leave me with a better feeling...but that is all speculation of course because that is not the case!

I have not been to the gym since last Thursday. I wish I could simply say I was too busy. Which I was, but in the last 3 months, being busy has not been an excuse to not be at the gym. I worked it into my schedule. I made it a priority. I have not done that this last part of this past week. It was easier to let it slide than figure out how to make it happen when the gym was not nearby or easily accessible.

I did have a hard time tracking calories..particularly on Saturday and Sunday when others were cooking for me and when I was standing in line for 9 hours...but I really don't think I went over calories. If anything I was far far FAR under calories...which can be just as bad as over eating. It was not intentional to under eat, but I was not intentional in my planning for my eating for this weekend.

So that is my weigh in and the things that contributed to it.

In other things...for those of you who like graphs and charts and spreadsheets and things of that nature....here is a graph of my weight loss progress since the beginning of the year. I didn't know my tracker would create this graph for me until then which is why I don't have more data all the way back to September. (Gosh I hope this works....enjoy!)

My Weight Chart:


I love that it is looking kind of ski slopish...ok bunny hill...but still!!! :-)

8 weeks and some perspective!

I have been on this journey (AGAIN!) since the premiere of Season 6 of TBL, which was in Sept 2008. It started out rough. I didn't count my calories. I was too arrogant to think I needed to. I thought I could just estimate and I would be fine. My gym schedule was, well it wasn't a schedule at all. I went if I felt like it, but that wasn't very often. Prior to September, I spent a lot of time at the gym swimming, but I had a race coming up, so I HAD to be there. Once the race ended, so did the frequency of my gym attendance. I probably started September going once a week and twice if it was a really good week.

Over time though I began to see the need for more exercise and I began to go 3 times a week. But my losses seemed to be down one week, up or holding steady the next. It was never consistent. At some point, I was encouraged to write down what I eat. I resisted this again for a time and finally did it...for one week. I think I lost 6 lbs that week! Huh!

I began to see the value in logging what I ate and by December I had begun to do this consistently. Amazingly, when I am aware of what I am eating, it somehow provides motivation for the gym too, because my gym attendance increased dramatically. I was now there 6 days a week, 2 hours a day, and was giving up time with friends to be there! It helped that I had some friends willing to go with me when I didn't want to go and even willing to kick my butt all the way there! However, throughout all of December, I lost NOTHING!!

I made some changes, one being increasing my calories.

OK, so that was just a little history for those of you new to my blog. You can get more details if you read back but that is a brief snapshot.

It has been 8 weeks since I have increased my calorie intake from 1200 to 1800 a day. During those 8 weeks I have:

1. Lost weight EVERY SINGLE WEEK! for a total of 19 lbs. That is an average of 2.375/week which is right in line with the recommended, healthy weight loss goals. For a woman it is 2-3 Lbs a week. HA! I am normal after all! (No comments from the peanut gallery, aka people who know me in real life and not just blogland)

2. In January I began running sprints on the treadmill. 30 seconds.

3. By the end of January, I was running 1 minute sprints on the treadmill.

4. I was now spinning twice a week and on a couple occasions was able to do 2 back to back spin classes. I even once did 4 spin classes in 1 week!

5. By the time I left GR and moved to Detroit, I had ventured on to the track, with Coach and Adam and could run 1/7 of a mile without stopping (1 lap). Of course it was much harder if one of those guys was with me, cuz dang they run just a hair faster than I want to and DAG NABBIT if I am NOT gonna keep up.

6. In addition to all this, I was still doing my 2x a week Pilate's classes and 2x a week aerobics/strength classes.

7. Last night, I ran the farthest I have run yet in one stretch. I ran .35 of a mile and for 5 minutes straight! So what if it was only at 4 mph...I did it!!

If I hold true to this pattern, within 3 weeks I will have hit the 50 lb loss mark and am only 13 lbs away from being out of the 300's. These ideas make me want to work harder and faster! 50 LBS!!! that is 1/4 of the way to my ultimate goal!!!

All this to say...alot can happen in 8 weeks, especially if we are diligent in challenging ourselves to greater heights and greater distances. 19 lbs. Yes, alot can happen in 8 weeks.

What will the next 8 bring?

Just one last side note. Since September, I have lost 43 lbs, in 5 months. That is an average of 8 lbs a month and 2.15 lbs/wk. Once again proving I am NORMAL! From week to week, it is easy to get discouraged, when you see a gain or a 0 on the scale.....but taking a step back and looking at this big picture....wow, it sure puts it in perspective!

ok, one more side note: I can no longer wear the bathing suits I wore last year. They are so stinking loose on me that it has become more indecent than not, particularly in the area of "the girls". So, I have dug out a swimsuit from the "last time" I lost weight and put it on last night! It fit! Definitely made me feel better about my disappearing girls because in this thing, well HOT diggity dog! I hope to be out of this one by the time I swim my 1000 meters which might be in July!

OK I am done now for real!

I will not be ashamed!

Shame (according to the English Language Dictionary) is the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous done by oneself or another.

Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, "Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity."

Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me...

Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn't want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can't keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will "they" think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.

I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.