No one ever writes the honest questions of their hearts to God. If we really voiced our questions, someone might think we are being blasphemous or anti-God. But I have hard questions. Questions that I don't think I will get sufficient answers to this side of Heaven.
I feel like I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. I am not married, so I can only imagine how this would feel. The wind is knocked out of me, and it is hard to take in air. The room is spinning and I wonder if it will ever stop. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed. And Angry. I don't know how I will ever trust again. My eyes burn and are tired of tears. Will they ever stop?
And there are no answers, because it is two truths that my heart is fighting. Two truths of God. 1. All who come to Him and repent and turn from their wicked ways, will be saved. God will cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. Forgiveness. The chance to be His child.
2. Woe to the man who harms a little child. It would be better for this man to have a stone tied around his neck and be tossed into the sea, than to experience God's wrath.
How can God fulfill both of these things? How can He pursue my heart so fervently and pursue my abusers heart just as fervently? I have taken great comfort over the years that God would take care of this man. But now I am not so sure. This man can simply repent and be saved from that. Jesus will then defend him on Judgement day. How can He defend both of us at the same time? How can I trust God in this? How can my Father become best friends with the man who betrayed my trust so fully and then expect me to dine with him?
And at the same time, my heart breaks that I can't trust this God of mine. I can't trust Him and I can't deny Him either. I can't just turn my back and walk away forever. And I can't bring myself to ask Him to choose either. How can I ask Him to break one of His promises? It is the very graciousness of God that brought me to Him that I am hating now. How can I fault Him for being exactly who He has always said He would be, even with my enemies?
When my heart has been broken in the past, I would so easily go to Him for comfort, for healing. But how do I take my heart to the very one I feel broke it and ask Him to fix it? How do I trust Him to not break it more? My heart is destroyed. I love Him so much, and no matter how hard I try I can't harden myself against the pain or against Him. I can't not cry out to Him. Yet, I can't trust Him either. I can't analyze this. I can't put it in a box and make it pretty. I can't figure out how to "do" grief or pain. I have no answers.
My one comfort in all of this, is I am not alone. I have never felt His presence so close to me as right now. I have never wanted it more. To want so desperately and to not want equally so. It feels like there are 2 sides of me pulling on my heart from both sides at the same time. I feel like He is just sitting nearby waiting for me to get all of this out. Fulfilling His promise to never leave me or forsake me. How can I NOT trust this Jesus? How DO I trust this Jesus of mine?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Who Am I?
When I feel like giving up. When I feel like I cannot do another thing. When I feel like I don't have what it takes. When I feel like my world is spinning out of control and all that I know to be true is being shaken to the core. When I feel like my faith has been devastated and I cannot trust anything. I remember. I remember the times I have been clear God has spoken to me. I remember the feeling of complete security I had in His words. Today is such a day and I am working hard at remembering. Here is my story of who God says I am.
I was participating in an exercise. But it didn't feel like an exercise. In my mind's eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn't imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn't matter to Him?
I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn't fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn't understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.
Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!" I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn't think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. "Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?" I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.
Again, immediately, I heard this response. "I call you enough." So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.
It was enough. I didn't know one could cry so hard. I didn't know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks...and I knew it was true. No matter what...I am enough for Him.
Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. "Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough".
I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.
I was participating in an exercise. But it didn't feel like an exercise. In my mind's eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn't imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn't matter to Him?
I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn't fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn't understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.
Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!" I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn't think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. "Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?" I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.
Again, immediately, I heard this response. "I call you enough." So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.
It was enough. I didn't know one could cry so hard. I didn't know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks...and I knew it was true. No matter what...I am enough for Him.
Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. "Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough".
I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I will not be ashamed!
Shame (according to the English Language Dictionary) is the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous done by oneself or another.
Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, "Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity."
Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me...
Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn't want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can't keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will "they" think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.
I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.
Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, "Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity."
Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me...
Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn't want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can't keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will "they" think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.
I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.
Monday, October 6, 2008
I must die so that I might live!
I have many thoughts today, but the theme seems to be getting rid of old ways of thinking, eating, being...so that the new me can live.
Food. I like it. I really do. However, I must retrain myself to eat for nutrition sake and not for pleasure sake. In the process, I am hoping that I will learn to actually enjoy food that is good for me and eventually be able to eat for both pleasure and nutrition. As I write this, my dinner is what I have come to call "green goo". It is loaded with nutrition. Blended spinach and broccoli, banana, apple, strawberries, and blueberries. All those things I do like but I relate to them all as health foods and blended together it is green. Very green. I smell broccoli first when I go to drink, and the first flavor to hit me is broccoli, then the berries, mostly strawberry. It doesn't taste bad. Really, it doesn't. SO why is it taking me an hour to suck down half of it? I know. There is no satisfying pleasure in drinking my food. There is no chew or crunch factor. And it is green!
Regardless of how I feel about the food I am eating I know that if I don't change, if I don't eat differently and exercise differently so that I lose weight, I will die. So far I have been lucky. At this time I do not have crazy health issues typically associated with someone of my weight. But they are coming. My grandmother, not a large woman comparatively speaking, died of a massive heart attack. My mother has already had a mild heart attack and has heart related health issues. She also is not a large woman comparatively and what weight she does have has been added in recent years. Not long term weight issues like mine. She is only 60.
Regardless of how I feel in any given moment about food, myself, my weight, or exercise...I must change. My habits, my ways of thinking, the way I relate to food...all of this must die, so that the me that God created me to be can Live! I wonder if I will be different. Or will I be a healthy version of me? Will I have different interests? I think there might actually be an athlete hidden in me. Regardless of all of those wonderings, I want to Live and live fully. I want to be able to say that my whole life is bringing Glory to God.
So there is my ramble for the day. It feels very disconnected in the flow of my thoughts, but that is what one gets when I have many thoughts! Oh by the way...I lost another 4 lbs this week!! So in the last 3 weeks I have lost 12. That is incredible! Especially since I feel like I ate horribly this past weekend!
Food. I like it. I really do. However, I must retrain myself to eat for nutrition sake and not for pleasure sake. In the process, I am hoping that I will learn to actually enjoy food that is good for me and eventually be able to eat for both pleasure and nutrition. As I write this, my dinner is what I have come to call "green goo". It is loaded with nutrition. Blended spinach and broccoli, banana, apple, strawberries, and blueberries. All those things I do like but I relate to them all as health foods and blended together it is green. Very green. I smell broccoli first when I go to drink, and the first flavor to hit me is broccoli, then the berries, mostly strawberry. It doesn't taste bad. Really, it doesn't. SO why is it taking me an hour to suck down half of it? I know. There is no satisfying pleasure in drinking my food. There is no chew or crunch factor. And it is green!
Regardless of how I feel about the food I am eating I know that if I don't change, if I don't eat differently and exercise differently so that I lose weight, I will die. So far I have been lucky. At this time I do not have crazy health issues typically associated with someone of my weight. But they are coming. My grandmother, not a large woman comparatively speaking, died of a massive heart attack. My mother has already had a mild heart attack and has heart related health issues. She also is not a large woman comparatively and what weight she does have has been added in recent years. Not long term weight issues like mine. She is only 60.
Regardless of how I feel in any given moment about food, myself, my weight, or exercise...I must change. My habits, my ways of thinking, the way I relate to food...all of this must die, so that the me that God created me to be can Live! I wonder if I will be different. Or will I be a healthy version of me? Will I have different interests? I think there might actually be an athlete hidden in me. Regardless of all of those wonderings, I want to Live and live fully. I want to be able to say that my whole life is bringing Glory to God.
So there is my ramble for the day. It feels very disconnected in the flow of my thoughts, but that is what one gets when I have many thoughts! Oh by the way...I lost another 4 lbs this week!! So in the last 3 weeks I have lost 12. That is incredible! Especially since I feel like I ate horribly this past weekend!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
8 down...200 to go...or something like that...
I am down 8 lbs! While I do see this as a victory, there is still some disappointment in that it is not a new 8 lbs lost. Actually only 2 of it is new. But I am on my way. And hopefully, I won't turn back again. I have been silent on this matter for some time now. OK, so I started the blog to write about the up and down struggle I have with losing weight and I have only written the ups :-) Hmmm I hope to get better about that.
I was asked by a dear friend last night how he can proactively support me in this journey. I had no answer for him. I know that I know that I have his support without judgment or condemnation. In fact I have many people in my life that I have that with. I truly am blessed in that way! My problem is, when I am struggling, I don't see that. I hear loud and clear my own voice in my head that screams of my failures and insecurities. So I plod along in my own way and because I am very VERY good at putting on a good face...no one knows I struggle. Then I wonder why no one notices.
I do know that I am not up for every person in my life asking me daily how I am doing and where I am at with this struggle or any other. I tried that. It doesn't work. It just highlights my failings that much more. Besides that, if you only knew how many amazing supportive people I have in my life...you would know how overwhelming that would get.
I am up for giving a few key people in my life free reign to ask anything, anytime, but please don't ask me publicly (as if I need to say that to those key people). You know if you are a key person. IF you are wondering if you are a key person...I am sorry...but you probably are not. Anonymous friend mentioned above...come out of your head a minute...you are one of them :-)
Some people may get their feelings hurt by this, but as much as I am up for honesty and relationship and authenticity...I have to go with what I need in this. I have to think about me. Imagine that...what a concept :-)
So I will see you on the downside...and if I think of more proactive ways you can support me...well I will let you know!
I was asked by a dear friend last night how he can proactively support me in this journey. I had no answer for him. I know that I know that I have his support without judgment or condemnation. In fact I have many people in my life that I have that with. I truly am blessed in that way! My problem is, when I am struggling, I don't see that. I hear loud and clear my own voice in my head that screams of my failures and insecurities. So I plod along in my own way and because I am very VERY good at putting on a good face...no one knows I struggle. Then I wonder why no one notices.
I do know that I am not up for every person in my life asking me daily how I am doing and where I am at with this struggle or any other. I tried that. It doesn't work. It just highlights my failings that much more. Besides that, if you only knew how many amazing supportive people I have in my life...you would know how overwhelming that would get.
I am up for giving a few key people in my life free reign to ask anything, anytime, but please don't ask me publicly (as if I need to say that to those key people). You know if you are a key person. IF you are wondering if you are a key person...I am sorry...but you probably are not. Anonymous friend mentioned above...come out of your head a minute...you are one of them :-)
Some people may get their feelings hurt by this, but as much as I am up for honesty and relationship and authenticity...I have to go with what I need in this. I have to think about me. Imagine that...what a concept :-)
So I will see you on the downside...and if I think of more proactive ways you can support me...well I will let you know!
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