The longest day of my life!

Yes friends, if you didn't know it before, you know it now, I am back in my beloved GR this week. Yes I know, I should just move back here. After tonight I am convinced I will figure out a way! My trip this time, was 2 fold. One I had long standing symphony tickets....and since the TBL video submission deadline is fast approaching, the plan was to have my video completed tonight...after some last minute filming on Monday.

After filming on Monday, it was decided that Wednesday at 8:30, the premiere viewing of my video would take place. Outside of one small clip ABS showed me on Monday, I have seen nothing of this project. No footage or anything. I simply had to trust a man, I don't know very well, but who is good friends with Coach and Aaron, whom I trust without question. Needless to say, I have been anxiously awaiting Wednesday at 8:30. I am not one to usually lose sleep over things, but I was sooo excited, I have not slept well the last 2 nights and well, I am not so sure I am gonna sleep tonight either!

I did not have a huge agenda for the day, but I was meeting one friend for coffee and then having a sushi dinner with a few friends prior to the Premiere, as we have taken to calling it. But I also had a couple friends who have been integral to my journey coming over to watch the video at 8:30 as well. We had a lovely dinner, but while at dinner, Adam gets a text message from ABS, "need more time" is the basic gist of the message. And ABS didn't want me at the house until he was really ready, lest I see something before the big viewing. SO...we couldn't go back yet. As time passed, further text messages were coming in, expounding the woes of technology and how even more time was needed. At 8:15 I said, we needed to leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. We ended up at the mall, sitting in massage chairs and visiting the Apple store and painfully killing time. While at the apple store...we get another message. "40 minutes...I am not kidding!"

My face fell. All of the anticipation that had been building just deflated. I knew there would be people at the house, waiting. And of course I was awaiting this, but what can one do when technology won't cooperate! Shortly after that Scottie gets a phone call, that basically says that we can come, even though it isn't quite ready, my friends would rather watch me squirm there. But I overheard something that led me to believe that the stalling had all been intentional. SO I began to suspect trickery. But I had no idea!!!

As we pull up, there is a "no parking" sign in the driveway and as I look up, there are people standing in the driveway...I thought, that crazy ABS is making them wait in the cold? As I got out, a floodlight came on and I noticed a "red carpet" covering the entire length of the driveway. (They have a long driveway) There were "paparazzi"present all along the carpet taking photos as I walked up. And music was playing...."I'm too sexy"! Yep, of course I had to strut my stuff on the "cat walk"As I walked, I had a feather boa put on me, flowers placed in my hand, and eventually a tiara got placed on my head. It was hilarious fun! My friends LOVE me! This I know! For their actions tell me so!

When we finally made it into the house, we had a champagne toast! You seriously would have thought that a "big deal" celebrity had just arrived. I was overwhelmed. It was then I began to realize and connect the dots to conversations I had with Aaron and Carol and began to see...they were ALL in on this. This was not the work of just one person! But about a dozen, all working to surprise me! It worked guys! I don't think I have ever been so surprised in my life!

We finally moved into the viewing room to watch the video, where ABS and RD introduced the film and their experience working on it. I was touched and overwhelmed by their words. We watched the video and while I cannot post it or tell you much about it, I can say ABS and RD are geniuses at taking me and my story and telling it in such a beautiful way without taking away from who I am. The whole thing reflected who I am at my core. It was funny, vulnerable, honest and real. It was me! I was stunned into silence. Even now I have no adequate words to express what I think and feel. I feel like I have just reported the excitement of the day. But what else can I add?

I am loved. If I ever doubted or questioned it before....there is nothing of that remaining. And while the waiting was frustrating...in the end it was well worth it!

I am wordless when it comes to what I feel, not because I am not feeling anything, but there are no words to describe it all, that exist in the English language!

When I get some of the pictures of all of the trickery that went down...I will post them for you all to see!

Who Am I?

When I feel like giving up. When I feel like I cannot do another thing. When I feel like I don't have what it takes. When I feel like my world is spinning out of control and all that I know to be true is being shaken to the core. When I feel like my faith has been devastated and I cannot trust anything. I remember. I remember the times I have been clear God has spoken to me. I remember the feeling of complete security I had in His words. Today is such a day and I am working hard at remembering. Here is my story of who God says I am.

I was participating in an exercise. But it didn't feel like an exercise. In my mind's eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn't imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn't matter to Him?

I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn't fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn't understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.

Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!" I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn't think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. "Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?" I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.

Again, immediately, I heard this response. "I call you enough." So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.

It was enough. I didn't know one could cry so hard. I didn't know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks...and I knew it was true. No matter what...I am enough for Him.

Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. "Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough".

I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.