It has been an interesting and challenging week and a half since my last 1lb gain. From the day that I found I gained 1 lb through that first Sat, I lost 3 lbs by very carefully counting my calories, discovering that I don't eat ENOUGH, and meticulously logging my time at the gym. I was ecstatic as I was on track for a 4-5 lb loss for the week, which would have been amazing!
On Sunday, I found out that I really needed to go home for a few days to help with my nieces and nephews while their mom and dad spent much time at the hospital with their oldest, Gavin. I was gone from Sunday night until Thursday afternoon, staying with 5 young children, and pretty much becoming a single mom overnight! It was a lot of work and after having a week of feeling really good about my eating and exercising, I had no idea how I was going to keep it up while at home. I felt very out of control of my environment, my time, the food that was available to me (their church was bringing in meals), or my ability to exercise. My drive home was full of anxiety as I worried about Gavin and worried about how I was going to choose to be successful in this and not resigned to failure.
On Monday after my first full day with the kids. This is what my schedule looked like.
6 AM Wake up to some child needing to "go potty" or wanting to be fed.
6:30 AM all the kids are awake by now and demanding to be fed, changed, dressed, or something
7:30 they want a snack
Pretty much the whole day was spent, preparing food for meals or snacks, cleaning up from meals or snacks, or trying to figure out the caloric count in foods that are brought in for us that I have no idea what is in them...Since I had little idea, I went for eating small amounts of things or eating fruit (which doesn't stay with you long-therefore feeling like I had been eating all day! Then on top of that feeling like, how in the world do you fit in exercise when you have 5 kids hanging on you all day and no stroller to fit them all.
SO here is what I did. I took control. I called my brother Ken and asked him to come sit with the kids for a bit so I could go out for a walk/run. Thankfully, he has been reading my blog (Yes Ken, I know you came back :-) I have a handy tracker :-) and therefore he knows what I have been up to and he came to my rescue. Thank You Kenny! So, I was able to go for a mile walk/run and it felt good. Not that I like exercise yet, but it felt good to feel like I had some control over my circumstances and that despite what looked like might turn out to be a bad ending to a great week, I was able to end it well.
On Tuesday, I went and found a scale to weigh in on. I do NOT recommend weighing in on a scale different than the one you have been on. I got on and it said I had gained 13 lbs since Saturday! Now in reality, I may have eaten a few extra calories on Monday, and may not have burned as many calories as I have been burning at the gym during my run walk, however in order to have gained 13 lbs I would have had to consume 45, 500 calories in a day and a half and not burned anything! I laughed at this scale, walked out and said...until I get back home I am considering my Saturday weight to be my weight for today!
Thursday and Friday was crazy busy and so today I went back to the gym, and weighed myself...I am on track. But since today is not my normal weigh in day, you will have to wait until Tues to find out where I am.
I didn't get to work out after that first workout on Monday, but it is not like I was sitting around either. 5 Kids under the age of 4 is a LOT of work and you move a lot taking care of just there actual physical needs. I must have gone up and down the stairs at least 30 times each day. Then there is all the toe touches as I picked up toys from the floor each day! Then there is carrying the 25 lbs of 1 yr old around each day! And that is just the work of it. That does not include all the playing, wrestling, and dancing with the princes and princesses at the balls we had!
All in all there were lots of victories this week. The biggest being that my fear that being home means inevitable failure or back tracking or gains or whatever you want to call it, does not have to be true! I decide. I am in control. I can win this war!
Now for a cute kid story since I spent the week with them. All of the kids love to play dress up. Their favorite is to be prince and princesses with the beautiful gowns and whatever clothes Garrett determines are the best for a prince to wear! While in costume, they are really in character. And of course all fairy tales that involve princes and princesses also include an evil witch. That role always falls to whatever adult is around. AKA Me. Emma, the 2 yr old princess wanted an orange peeled. After asking nicely to have one and I began peeling it for her, she looks at me and say "Do it _itch, Do it" Ummm "Excuse Me?" The princess says, "I saaiiiiddd, Do it _itch, Do it!!" Yeah she was calling me WITCH! She was still in character! It did NOT sound like WITCH!! Gotta love these kids!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Time for some Reward Goals
I have been thinking about some of the things I have always wanted to do but have not done out of fear and really weight. I have just under 200 lbs to go before I reach my goal weight. And here is what I want to do.
When I am halfway there, I want to actually complete a high ropes course with some of my friends. I have always wanted to do this and have even had opportunities to do so. I once even started one and came back down because of my fear. First I had to trust someone to be paying attention enough to not let me fall....then I had to trust that the rope was strong enough to hold me. Well, all the scientific data in the world could have been given to me and I still would not have believed it. Then of course there is the dreaded fear that even if I did trust those things...would the stupid harness even fit! SO that is my halfway goal reward.
Then when I finally reach my goal...which if I lose 3 lbs a week, this will be achieved in Feb 2010, I want to go sky diving! Since that time of year is very cold in Michigan...it may mean a trip to somewhere warm! But again, same fears about the chute fitting...but with an added fear of I might hit the ground before I remember to pull my chute. I know! I Know! I am ridiculous....but hey, I am just being honest! And since i have been doing some research I know that with tandem diving, that won't happen but still...I need a great awesome and amazing reward for WHEN I finally am in the body I am meant to be in!
Sooooo anyone up for a ropes course next summer and skydiving in 2010?? Who is up for a celebration like never before?? Well at least what may be the 2nd biggest celebration ever!!
Ups and Downs
Yesterday I weighed in again. I was expecting good things. After all, I felt like I did good this past week. Eating well and working out 5 of 7 days. You would think that all of that would result in a loss. But a loss was not in the cards for me. I gained 1 lb. In previous weeks where I have gained, I could look back and clearly see where I went wrong whether it was not really hitting the gym or too many poor food choices. But this week, I worked out 5 of 7 days and felt like I ate pretty well. So even though my gain was less than I had gained before and only 1 lb, I was extremely disappointed. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, that I get to go again. But man, it was just so tough to have felt like I worked hard with no positive results.
Fortunately, I once again have good friends and although I didn't want to tell them that I had gained again, I also refuse to give in to the lie that it is better to tuck tail and hide than to be honest. Especially with those who simply love me. Thank you dear ones from the bottom of my heart! Your words of your own journey's and the strong reminders of what this journey is all about encouraged me greatly!
So I set out to figure out what was going on. For whatever reason, I have been resisting using the tools available to me to track my food and exercise (calories in/calories out). So I finally signed up for the free website called SparkPeople.com. On Tuesday I began tracking my food and exercise among other things. I am supposed to eat between 1200-1500 calories. By the end of Tuesday I was at 1050 eating things similar to what I have been eating all along. So at the end of the day I threw in some more food to get myself over the 1200. On Wednesday, I realized at dinner time I was over 200 calories short for the day and didn't plan on eating again for the evening, except shoot!!
Needless to say, if I have been eating like this for the last 8 weeks, my body is starving and holding everything it gets. Then there is the whole idea of eating for nutrition component coming up again. It goes against everything in me as a recovering emotional eater to eat when I am NOT hungry, but at this point I have gotten almost too good at maximizing calories in a lot of food!
So in summary, Tuesday I was very very bummed. I even cried! For those who know me....that is a big deal! But as a friend said to me, this journey is about me becoming a wholly healthy person and not just about weight loss and while weight loss is a good measure the condition of my heart is a truer one. Letting people in to my disappointment was a victory in that! Yay God! Feeling my disappointment fully but not letting it consume me, was a victory! Choosing to go again immediately and not let the disappointment hang for a few days was a victory!
Oh and exercise this week is going well!! I walked on Tuesday, was at the gym twice yesterday and am getting ready to go today (Thursday). Much to celebrate this week my friends, much to celebrate!
Fortunately, I once again have good friends and although I didn't want to tell them that I had gained again, I also refuse to give in to the lie that it is better to tuck tail and hide than to be honest. Especially with those who simply love me. Thank you dear ones from the bottom of my heart! Your words of your own journey's and the strong reminders of what this journey is all about encouraged me greatly!
So I set out to figure out what was going on. For whatever reason, I have been resisting using the tools available to me to track my food and exercise (calories in/calories out). So I finally signed up for the free website called SparkPeople.com. On Tuesday I began tracking my food and exercise among other things. I am supposed to eat between 1200-1500 calories. By the end of Tuesday I was at 1050 eating things similar to what I have been eating all along. So at the end of the day I threw in some more food to get myself over the 1200. On Wednesday, I realized at dinner time I was over 200 calories short for the day and didn't plan on eating again for the evening, except shoot!!
Needless to say, if I have been eating like this for the last 8 weeks, my body is starving and holding everything it gets. Then there is the whole idea of eating for nutrition component coming up again. It goes against everything in me as a recovering emotional eater to eat when I am NOT hungry, but at this point I have gotten almost too good at maximizing calories in a lot of food!
So in summary, Tuesday I was very very bummed. I even cried! For those who know me....that is a big deal! But as a friend said to me, this journey is about me becoming a wholly healthy person and not just about weight loss and while weight loss is a good measure the condition of my heart is a truer one. Letting people in to my disappointment was a victory in that! Yay God! Feeling my disappointment fully but not letting it consume me, was a victory! Choosing to go again immediately and not let the disappointment hang for a few days was a victory!
Oh and exercise this week is going well!! I walked on Tuesday, was at the gym twice yesterday and am getting ready to go today (Thursday). Much to celebrate this week my friends, much to celebrate!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Much harder than I ever Expected
About 3 years ago I seriously started my weight loss journey after attending a Discovery Seminar and coming to understand what I now know to be the very beginnings of what my weight is for me. My weight started as a direct result of childhood sexual abuse. It has become so much more over the years. But as you will read, knowing doesn't make it any easier to change it.
I did a Dr. monitored 800 calorie diet and lost 60 lbs rather quickly. It was exciting and even thrilling to have lost so much weight so fast! But 800 calories! Seriously! I don't recommend this method, even if a doctor is monitoring it. It just is not healthy or sustainable. At some point you will have to increase your calories and unless you are doing serious exercise to counter the additional calories (which I was not)you will gain it all back...as I did.
Then I decided to gather a team of close people in my life, who were willing to take a stand with me and support me in this. I had a 1 year commitment with this small group of people. I told them how I hide and even lie when necessary to make excuses for my failures. I lost some weight. I don't remember how much, but at some point in that year I had one too many weeks of gain or no loss, got discouraged and slowly faded away from my team.
Last year I decided that I would try out for the Biggest Loser. Over the last couple years I had learned some things about myself. Serious things that hold me back from losing weight even though to be healthy is what I really want. But hey, I am committed now and maybe doing this on TV in front of the world will make it easier. After all I usually do well in competition. It is a great motivator for me. I didn't make the show, but I put my application video on You Tube then told all my friends about it, who told their friends, and of course any random person who did a search for Biggest Loser on you tube watched that video. In 2 months time, over 1500 people saw that video. I spent much of the last year discouraged that my energy and commitment didn't last or wasn't enough to make significant weight loss happen. And it didn't help that I was getting questioned about it all the time.
I thought that if I were committed enough, dedicated enough, had enough support around, was honest enough, and vulnerable enough that somehow all of that would be enough to motivate me to go to the gym and to eat healthy. But my reality is this. My weight has served me well for 27 years. It has done the job that I set it up to do and now that I don't want that job to be filled anymore I have 27 years of habit and beliefs and fears built up around this. I don't know what thin would look like for me. And I don't know what else will come up along this journey to stop me. What I do know is that this is more than a physical issue, but a heart issue. It has as much to do with my relationship with God as it does my relationship with food. Often I have put food first, trusting it to make me feel safe and comforted instead of trusting God to be that for me.
Where I am at today. I am not making the weight loss a big deal. Yes, I am doing this blog which might seem like a big deal...but in reality, not many people know about this yet. Yes I text/email my new weights each week to about 3-4 people, but not so much for accountability as much as for me to acknowledge what I have or have not done. I try to make good choices each day, but to be honest I don't count every calorie that goes in my body nor do I shame myself for having that cookie. When the urge to eat for some reason other than hunger overwhelms me, and I want to eat a whole box of cookies, I am working at letting a few into that struggle with me. It feels like I am less alone in it that way and it becomes easier to manage.
What IS a big deal is learning to trust God more and more with my heart. Food has been my idol and it rears its ugly head all the time and this time I want God first. This has been much harder than I ever expected. I have yo yo'd the last couple weeks. This would normally be frustrating for me. But I know that the last couple weeks have been really hard to trust God. I know that although most of the time I made good choices about food, I had a really hard time getting to the gym. I also recognize that while I have gotten better about letting people into the food struggle, I have not been so good about letting people in to the exercise struggle. I have many thoughts on that, but that will have to be another blog...this one is already long enough.
There is much to be learned on this journey of trust, healing and health but I refuse to give up. I am a pretty stubborn person and I refuse to give up just because it is hard! But it is much harder than I ever expected.
I did a Dr. monitored 800 calorie diet and lost 60 lbs rather quickly. It was exciting and even thrilling to have lost so much weight so fast! But 800 calories! Seriously! I don't recommend this method, even if a doctor is monitoring it. It just is not healthy or sustainable. At some point you will have to increase your calories and unless you are doing serious exercise to counter the additional calories (which I was not)you will gain it all back...as I did.
Then I decided to gather a team of close people in my life, who were willing to take a stand with me and support me in this. I had a 1 year commitment with this small group of people. I told them how I hide and even lie when necessary to make excuses for my failures. I lost some weight. I don't remember how much, but at some point in that year I had one too many weeks of gain or no loss, got discouraged and slowly faded away from my team.
Last year I decided that I would try out for the Biggest Loser. Over the last couple years I had learned some things about myself. Serious things that hold me back from losing weight even though to be healthy is what I really want. But hey, I am committed now and maybe doing this on TV in front of the world will make it easier. After all I usually do well in competition. It is a great motivator for me. I didn't make the show, but I put my application video on You Tube then told all my friends about it, who told their friends, and of course any random person who did a search for Biggest Loser on you tube watched that video. In 2 months time, over 1500 people saw that video. I spent much of the last year discouraged that my energy and commitment didn't last or wasn't enough to make significant weight loss happen. And it didn't help that I was getting questioned about it all the time.
I thought that if I were committed enough, dedicated enough, had enough support around, was honest enough, and vulnerable enough that somehow all of that would be enough to motivate me to go to the gym and to eat healthy. But my reality is this. My weight has served me well for 27 years. It has done the job that I set it up to do and now that I don't want that job to be filled anymore I have 27 years of habit and beliefs and fears built up around this. I don't know what thin would look like for me. And I don't know what else will come up along this journey to stop me. What I do know is that this is more than a physical issue, but a heart issue. It has as much to do with my relationship with God as it does my relationship with food. Often I have put food first, trusting it to make me feel safe and comforted instead of trusting God to be that for me.
Where I am at today. I am not making the weight loss a big deal. Yes, I am doing this blog which might seem like a big deal...but in reality, not many people know about this yet. Yes I text/email my new weights each week to about 3-4 people, but not so much for accountability as much as for me to acknowledge what I have or have not done. I try to make good choices each day, but to be honest I don't count every calorie that goes in my body nor do I shame myself for having that cookie. When the urge to eat for some reason other than hunger overwhelms me, and I want to eat a whole box of cookies, I am working at letting a few into that struggle with me. It feels like I am less alone in it that way and it becomes easier to manage.
What IS a big deal is learning to trust God more and more with my heart. Food has been my idol and it rears its ugly head all the time and this time I want God first. This has been much harder than I ever expected. I have yo yo'd the last couple weeks. This would normally be frustrating for me. But I know that the last couple weeks have been really hard to trust God. I know that although most of the time I made good choices about food, I had a really hard time getting to the gym. I also recognize that while I have gotten better about letting people into the food struggle, I have not been so good about letting people in to the exercise struggle. I have many thoughts on that, but that will have to be another blog...this one is already long enough.
There is much to be learned on this journey of trust, healing and health but I refuse to give up. I am a pretty stubborn person and I refuse to give up just because it is hard! But it is much harder than I ever expected.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Grace
This week has been one of grace. Despite my angst and anger and wonderings last week of the justice and mercy of God, I feel like God has been my constant companion this week. While driving in the car alone and continuing to wonder, I have at times felt almost a physical presence with me. While walking around this city of mine, I felt as though he walked beside me. Even as I type this I know it sounds so cliche. But truly, I know I am not alone. I know that God is not going to change who He is so I can feel like justice has been done, but He is also not going to deny me the right to feel the way I do. My anger does not scare him away. And He feels no need to hurry to make me feel better about it either. He is content to sit with me while I wonder, as long as it takes. That is grace to me.
I have also been extremely thankful for the friends who have sat with me, listened, and cried with me...and also felt no pressure to fix this for me. Especially the men...who tend to be fixers anyway. It was good to be able to just talk out loud and be heard. That was grace with skin on.
I have also been extremely thankful for the friends who have sat with me, listened, and cried with me...and also felt no pressure to fix this for me. Especially the men...who tend to be fixers anyway. It was good to be able to just talk out loud and be heard. That was grace with skin on.
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