Reality Check!

AS I said in my last post, the last few weeks have been filled with travelling and not eating the best and not much exercise to even make up for it. I think the worst thing I did with my eating was to not eat as regularly as I should and skipping meals completely. It is because I skipped alot of meals that I know I did not go over calories.

My plan was to weigh in yesterday, but I got a later start leaving Grand Rapids....yes I always procrastinate my departure...and well, I don't like to eat anything before I weigh in. So, it was noon before I even made it to Aaron's office to deliver a coffee and say bye to him...and he very gently (as is his way) asked me if I was still planning not to eat until after I weighed in! (which would put my first meal of the day after 3 PM!). Nope, not planning to do that anymore...so I stopped and had lunch with Carol...then headed home. Of course, then I did not want to weigh in with food in me....do you see my procrastination???? I was very nervous about how bad my last few weeks were going to show on the scale!

SO this morning, I was procrastinating once again, but still moving towards getting ready to go out to weigh in when I received a text from Aaron...wondering where the scale update was!! All right! All right!! Already! I will move faster!

All that to say, I weighed in today for the first time since my gain of 1.4 lbs and found I had lost 2 LBS. I was quite surprised! I got off the scale and then got back on! It read the same thing! I couldn't believe it! It is interesting....all my talk about how the scale is just a tool for feedback. Completely unbiased honest feedback...and yet I still fear it at times...guess that is one more idol that needs to keep being brought back down to the low place it deserves, even when it gives me numbers I like!

I am now .5 lbs from hitting 50 LBS!! Come on Tuesday!!! I am excited because on my weight loss ticker in my sidebar...I am now far enough away from my starting weight that you can read all 3 numbers...starting weight, current weight, and goal weight!! Before you wouldn't have known there was a starting weight, then it overlapped it and didn't know what it was!! Very fun!!

Ups and Downs

Yesterday I weighed in again. I was expecting good things. After all, I felt like I did good this past week. Eating well and working out 5 of 7 days. You would think that all of that would result in a loss. But a loss was not in the cards for me. I gained 1 lb. In previous weeks where I have gained, I could look back and clearly see where I went wrong whether it was not really hitting the gym or too many poor food choices. But this week, I worked out 5 of 7 days and felt like I ate pretty well. So even though my gain was less than I had gained before and only 1 lb, I was extremely disappointed. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, that I get to go again. But man, it was just so tough to have felt like I worked hard with no positive results.

Fortunately, I once again have good friends and although I didn't want to tell them that I had gained again, I also refuse to give in to the lie that it is better to tuck tail and hide than to be honest. Especially with those who simply love me. Thank you dear ones from the bottom of my heart! Your words of your own journey's and the strong reminders of what this journey is all about encouraged me greatly!

So I set out to figure out what was going on. For whatever reason, I have been resisting using the tools available to me to track my food and exercise (calories in/calories out). So I finally signed up for the free website called SparkPeople.com. On Tuesday I began tracking my food and exercise among other things. I am supposed to eat between 1200-1500 calories. By the end of Tuesday I was at 1050 eating things similar to what I have been eating all along. So at the end of the day I threw in some more food to get myself over the 1200. On Wednesday, I realized at dinner time I was over 200 calories short for the day and didn't plan on eating again for the evening, except shoot!!

Needless to say, if I have been eating like this for the last 8 weeks, my body is starving and holding everything it gets. Then there is the whole idea of eating for nutrition component coming up again. It goes against everything in me as a recovering emotional eater to eat when I am NOT hungry, but at this point I have gotten almost too good at maximizing calories in a lot of food!

So in summary, Tuesday I was very very bummed. I even cried! For those who know me....that is a big deal! But as a friend said to me, this journey is about me becoming a wholly healthy person and not just about weight loss and while weight loss is a good measure the condition of my heart is a truer one. Letting people in to my disappointment was a victory in that! Yay God! Feeling my disappointment fully but not letting it consume me, was a victory! Choosing to go again immediately and not let the disappointment hang for a few days was a victory!

Oh and exercise this week is going well!! I walked on Tuesday, was at the gym twice yesterday and am getting ready to go today (Thursday). Much to celebrate this week my friends, much to celebrate!