This blog has MOVED!!!

The journey continues folks...but not here on Blogspot!

You can find my new blog...including all of the posts and comments from this one over at wordpress. http://road2beautiful.wordpress.com/

See ya there!

Photo update and other ramblings

I think I look skinny here...ok skinny is relative...but seriously!

This shirt I am wearing here, I bought one week ago for a Rock Band Party, in which I wanted to dress in rocker attire! I think I did a decent job...hehehe or at least I had fun! The wig is an official Hannah Montana wig! Anyway, the point of pointing out the shirt is that I put the shirt on today since it was soo blazing hot outside and I have precious little to wear these days...and well...it is ALREADY getting looser on me! Woot! Woot!

I started my new job this week! Well, I started working outside of the training room anyway! I am officially a US Census Bureau Lister....which means I go around and systematically canvass every house in a given area and map every house, or what COULD BE a house! In 3 days I have walked 36 miles! Yes, I walked it! Today, I came home after 7 hours for a break and some lunch and was NOT sure I would be able to go back out...my feet were aching...surprisingly though after a bit of a break, I was able to go out and go pretty strong until almost 9 PM tonight! I am looking forward to not walking long distances for the next two days! Don't worry Aaron and Coach, I will figure in some other kind of workout that does NOT include walking!

I had another random thought...but I am fading fast here...oh well....Oh yes....eating. I have been pretty good on eating...staying within calories...the only thing I am NOT doing is eating more regularly. I eat breakfast, at some point break and grab lunch, then when I get home at approx 9 I eat dinner....and not really factoring in snacks and things...

I am looking forward to seeing what all this walking does for me on Tuesday! Seriously, if this is not a 5 lb loss week I might be upset! I have noticed that by the end of the day, my hands and feet are swollen, so I know I am retaining water....I hope that doesn't happen for the weigh in...any suggestions people on how to make that NOT happen? I am tempted to not work Monday...just to be sure that doesn't happen...but then that will screw me for the rest of the week and it will end up being another week like this one...mass hours in a short time frame!

Ok Goodnight! Much to do before I sleep....much to do before I sleep!

Grrrrr...I hate how when I post pictures....my paragraphs disappear and it looks like one long run-on paragraph.....another reason to switch to wordpress!!! Soon friends...soon!

Not Meant to Be ALone

A few years back there lived a man named Adam. ( no, no , no not the Adam who has been referenced here before!)

Now where was I? Oh yes...a man named Adam. He was given much responsibility and instructions on how to live out his life here on earth. He had purpose and direction, but somehow that wasn't good enough, so his Father found him a woman, a helpmate named Eve. Someone to share life with.

While this story is most often associated with a husband and wife theme....and I am most definitely NOT married yet at my ripe old age of 32 :-)...I think I can still relate to this. In a general sense we (humans) are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to walk through life alone, through all the hills or the valleys. We are created for community! Despite what our society teaches us, we are NOT supposed to be completely independent, fully self-sufficient beings going about life without the help, support and encouragement of others. This does not mean we get to be irresponsible either though!

I know this!

I believe this!

I will spout this truth off to anyone who tries to hold me at bay and not let me walk through life with them or help them reach their goals in some way, if it is within my power to do so.

So why do I like to be so doggone independent and stubborn and self-sufficient. I simply squirm at the idea/thought of needing/accepting help. I have thought about this subject off and on for some time now. This past week, this idea of dependence came up yet again as I needed help.

Now, let me just say....I am far, far, FAR better at letting people help me than ever before. I used to never even let others know I needed help, even if they directly asked me!

So here is what happened. I locked my keys in my trunk as I was packing my car and leaving for church, followed by lunch with friends then back to Detroit for my nephews baptism. In my mind, the only possibility was to skip church, get a tow truck out to unlock my doors, so I could access my trunk, so I could meet the friends for lunch at least.

I called Adam (back to current reality folks, not ancient history), since I was supposed to be saving a seat for him, to let him know I wouldn't be there. His plan was to pick me up for church and we would see what possibilities opened up for lunch/opening my doors after church. Umm ok. This is generally not a big deal. When I lived in GR, we would often ride to church together. But somehow, because it was a NEED now...I felt weird about it. As if somehow this time, it would be putting him out to do this.

I never said my thoughts would be rational, folks!

After church, we met up with the above friends...with my plan being to tell them that I would not be meeting them for lunch because I needed to take care of the car to ensure I get on the road in time to be back for the nephews big day! Adam didn't plan on staying for lunch, so my ride back was with him. In comes Todd and John who suggest the following.

1. Adam goes to lunch...afterall...he has to eat, right? Adam agrees only because lunch would be Jet's Pizza, and well he likes the people he would be with...and they would't take no for an answer!

2. Todd and John would drive up and try to coat hanger my doors open, get my keys and drive my car back to me...problem would then be solved. Worse case scenario, I still leave with Adam but no later than 2:30.

Ummm ok....although this again leaves me slightly uncomfortable...as my car is a good 20 minutes away from church and in the opposite direction of anyone but Adam. Again the whole thought of being a burden tries to slip in, despite the fact that I did not ask them to do this, they kind of told me that is what would happen....and really if Adam had not agreed to lunch, they would then drive me back to my car later!

They couldn't get in. So in general I feel bad that these guys missed out on time with the group. Again folks, I never said this would be rational.

Moving on....Adam and I leave. He drops me at my car just as the tow truck shows up to open my car. The car is opened but I cannot access my truck. My door locks won't work for some reason....and ultimately we couldn't access my trunk from the back seats either because there is a latch that needs to be pulled to release them...in the trunk!

SO Virg (former roommie)and I are tossing around options and I am just thinking that I will have to miss the nephews big day and go to a dealership or locksmith on Monday to get my doors opened. In the meantime, I texted Adam to let him know what was up, cuz that is just what I do.

He calls immediately and tells me I can TAKE HIS CAR to Detroit for the night so I can get to the baptism...and deal with the car during business hours. I would let him know. Ultimately this is what happened, but not without more of those irrational conversations in my head.

Now at this point, I am realizing a theme here. Every bit of the day has been a day of relying on others to get to the next thing or be a part of what is happening. I know I am fairly independent and that I don't like having to rely on others for help. I am far better though. At least now, I just have the thoughts but still allow others to help and on occasion I have even been known to actually ask for help!

Someone once said to me, possibly Aaron, that when I ask for help it is like an invitation into my life. When I think about that and how I feel when someone asks me for help it is like that. It is such a JOY to help and to be invited into their space! On the flip side, when I find out that someone could have used my help and they didn't ask because they thought I might feel put out, I feel robbed. I never want to rob someone of the joy of helping. Of being the gift that they are to this world, to me. I don't want to be a thief!

But more, I don't want to be alone, married or not...so I will keep choosing to put the irrational thoughts out of my head, and accept help when it is offered, ask when it is not and it is needed, and ultimately live life in community....whether it is car troubles or weight struggles or any other kind of struggle...we are not meant to live life alone.

Oh and weigh in results....gained 1.2. No worries though...I had soy sauce yesterday....and regardless I know I did the work. If I honestly did the work and gained a little, I am not gonna freak out! I will just keep going and take care of it next week! (Yikes! does that sniff of whole health or what?)

Anticipation...and other Thoughts

I am excited for my weigh in tomorrow, yet trying to not be overly so! I am 3.8 LBS from being under 300. So, if I lose 4 lbs this week....I will have a preceding 2 instead of a 3. I KNOW that this is completely possible. I have worked out 4 days this week. I have eaten well and within calorie ranges the whole time. I have not gone off track at all since Last Monday(ok, I might have gone a little over on Saturday...I had some beer). 50 LBS was a huge milestone! This is another one!

While I really would love to hit this milestone this week, I know that it is also possible that I won't. Not for lack of effort but simply because the body does strange things at times. SO basically, I am not expecting 4 lbs this week. I am not expecting to hit it....but man I sure am hoping!

In other news, I spent a lovely weekend in GR this past weekend. I had already been thinking about going, but then someone asked me how I was going to reward myself for my 50 lbs. There is no better reward at this point in the game for me than to spend time with my friends in GR. So I went! It turned out quite eventful!

Downtown Chalk Art Event- This was so much fun! I went with my friend Jonny D and we decided that a crime scene was in order to be drawn....by the police station and in an alley! But the best part was the camaraderie and sense of community as people from all walks and stations in life came together into the heart of this great city with one purpose...to cover the city streets in chalk! It was neat to walk down the streets, looking at the creations of others, to make eye contact with dozens of people and not simply exchange a terse nod or a "I don't really care kind of hello" but rather to engage in conversation with strangers! I loved it!

Rock Band- A few friends gathered to play Rock Band. Yes I am 32 years old. I have never really been a huge video gamer outside of the original Super Mario Brothers that came out when I was 10 or so years old, but I LOVE this one! Probably because you really do play it TOGETHER! You laugh with and at those that you are playing with. I KNOW that I cannot sing Wanted Dead or Alive...and really shouldn't attempt it...but in this atmosphere....who cares....it is all fun!

On Sunday I locked my keys in my trunk as I was loading my car and getting ready for church. Fortunately, kind Adam picked me up for church and I figured I would skip lunch with a few friends so I can make sure I get my car keys back in time to be back in Detroit for my 9 yr old nephews Baptism. Well, we ended up having lunch with friends...so lovely...then I went back to my car to figure that out.

To make a long story short...(as if that is possible for me) I got into my car but could not access the trunk. My trunk unlock button wouldn't work. I can only assume it is because neither the key nor the remote opened the doors. I couldn't climb through the back seats that DO fold down, because there is a release latch that needs to be pulled for them to fold down....which is in the trunk!

I was getting anxious now and thinking I would end up missing Gavin's Baptism. This is my first nephew to be baptized and it is awesome how at 9 years old he decided on his own that he wanted to be....another long story...suffice it to say I really really did not want to miss this!

In the end...I had a superhero step in. Adam gave me his car for the night. I could make it....if I left super quickly and bring his car back today (Monday), at which time I would continue figuring out how to get into my trunk! Adam is the hero for the day! I am incredibly grateful for him and his generosity!

In the end, my keys are out of the trunk and I have a spare that will unlock my doors if I ever lock them in again! I think I am going to make another one...and keep one in GR with my friends there and one in Detroit. I don't lose my keys...I just lock them in my car!!!

So that was my eventful evening. I will be posting soon about Dependence....as that is what God is being loud about these days and it had a spot lot put on it with this whole car key thing!

Current Goal List!

My goal list widget is frustrating me. I can see it fine. I can check things off of it perfectly. As far as I have been concerned it was working fine. Except you all have no idea what my goals are....nor can you celebrate as I check things off, unless of course if I blog specifically about something.

So just so you have SOME idea of what is on there until I figure that out....here is my current complete list of goals. (I may end up moving my blog to wordpress if I cannot figure this and a few other things out!)

• Lose 25 LBS COMPLETE
• Lose 50 LBS COMPLETE!!!!!
• Lose 75 LBS by June 12th
• Lose 100 LBS
• unpack and wear the smaller sizes COMPLETE
• HAVE to buy new clothes ALMOST there...smaller sizes are getting me by
• complete a ropes course
• Do 2 legs of a triathlon
• LOSE 125 LBS
• Lose 150 LBS
• Lose 175 LBS
• Lose 200 LBS...reach maintenance level
• Be able to borrow someone else's clothes
• Run 5K straight by end of summer 2009
• Complete a full triathlon...by myself
• SKYDIVING
• Sweat Like Coach!
• Wear Adam's snow pants

And then of course there are the ones Adam added to my list for me. So these are Adam's goals for me.

• white water rafting/kayaking (sure why not!)
• skiing with Adam-he says he will teach me!
• solo sail around the world-I will not do this...unless I can take someone with me...too lonely!
• go BASE jumping-umm no thanks
• play rock band drums on expert (this will be checked off this weekend....fortunately he did not specify what % I needed to get correct!)
• Play the trumpet- I have done this....in Jr. High...but he/I want to learn again...and then I have to play for him...I can do this!
• do a flip off the diving board....YIKES...we will see
• Clean the Medema Mansion-Been there done that...he is just trying to get out of chores!
• do a handstand-he didn't specify land or water..so I say I this is COMPLETE!
• go surfing
• lay on a bed of nails- um no...you first
• walk across burning coals- again..you first Adam!
• blow bubbles- Bubbles will be blown this weekend!
• tight rope walk the Grand Canyon- as long as I can be harnessed in and have a rope above and below me...ok

The big 5-0!

Well, it has been a crazy dark week. But Sunday I began making some actual progress on my climb out of a very steep, black hole and by Monday after a day of fasting was able to hoist my leg over the edge and just HANG ON!

I even managed to work out yesterday! Did a 2 mile run/walk (which I am sad to say I have not worked out in a little bit) followed by a lap of walking lunges....I have never done this, but figured I should try and do SOMETHING for a strength workout. My thighs BURNED!!!! Then I walked another couple laps until the track closed. I felt great and while I was tempted to go an nibble...just a bite of what mom made for dinner. I held strong to my fast. 1. Because i refused to give in ....again. 2. Because I HATE what mom made for dinner last night....it is the worst tasting and least healthy meal on earth! Thank God she didn't make my favorite meal, it would have been harder to stand firm!

Today I woke up, rather grumpily and with a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am not sure if the nausea was from not falling asleep until after midnight and having to be up at 6:30. Or because I was soo hungry from fasting. Or if it was nerves for my weigh in. I am thinking it was a combination of all 3 things. Regardless, I wen to my weigh in the whole way wondering if there is a way to legitimately procrastinate this...and yet not wanting to do that either. I stepped on the scale and was SHOCKED to see 303.8. A loss??? What???

"Hey scale! Do you know that umm I didn't exercise but one day last week? or that I ate horribly and was constantly starting over?"

For the record the scale did not respond. I stayed on the scale an extra long time though because I kind of thought that maybe it just wasn't done moving up. You know like maybe the numbers got stuck for a second and would keep moving again in a minute or so? Well if they were stuck, they were stuck good. I even got off and on again...just in case you know!

So, for the record. I must not have done as bad as I thought eating wise, despite the amount of battling inside. Perhaps I won more battles than I lost??? Sure didn't feel like it...but I guess this is where the scale feedback comes in. I lost 3.2 lbs this week. and have officially reached my 50 LB milestone!

YIPPEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORRAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

Now, to get under 300...then on to 75 lbs! Can I do 75 by June 12th? (first wedding of the season?)

Just Couldn't Shake It!

Some of you have been wondering where I have been since my last post. I have gotten the emails! For those of you that saw my highly positive posts for the first 10 weeks of 2009, you might have begun to wonder if I ever had a bad day or a "rough patch". Well, this past week should be enough to know that yes I am indeed human. I do fail and fail miserably. Or as one might say...fail magnificently!

It has been a really rough week. For the first time in a really long time...possibly as far back as November, I went "driving for food". I started out going to get a movie to match my already dark mood and every single convenience store, fast food place, and gas station was calling out to me...to just stop in and see what they had. Fortunately, I managed to keep the car heading straight despite the almost physical pulling of the wheel to turn in. I actually only stopped one place and exercised some measure of restraint. I WANTED to get a whole meal deal super sized plus ice cream! I ended up with one ice cream cone. Ice cream in hand I headed to the video store for my "dark" movie. Upon entering the store with said ice cream in hand...I got a text message from Aaron. Sadly, I ignored it until the ice cream cone was gone. Only to see a message that reminded me to keep my vision in front of me. GRRRR...

In the grand scheme of things, one frozen yogurt from McD's is not all that bad actually. What makes it bad for me is that it was solely an attempt to feed the darkness in my soul. It has been a long time since it has been this bad, I truly forgot how bad it could get when all I want to do is numb out and STOP FEELING. Yet, I also know that isn't what I want to do either. Feeling things means I am alive and well and healthy!

SO I spent a few days, each day trying again to make good choices to start afresh again and again...each time failing. It began to get so overwhelming and even more depressing. I am better than this, right? Stronger than this, right? I know what to do but is it really just a matter of making a choice to eat right? I think sometimes the choice is to just keep getting up. Even if you only stay up for 2 seconds before getting knocked down again.

Sunday, I knew might be rough, given my lingering mood. Holiday meal with family. Family who all now know about my weight loss efforts thanks to the Pound for a Cause fundraiser. While I don't regret saying yes to this, it does add pressure. In the end, there really wasn't anything healthy served, it was one of our typical family meals. But outside of that, the day started with mom being food police there making several comments about what I am allowed to have or should/shouldn't have until I finally looked at her and just told her to "shut up". Yes, I told my mom to shut up, in those words. We have already had this conversation about her not being my food police, so I feel justified. I may be wrong, but for now I feel justified.

As for quantity of food I did ok. But I have no idea about calories. In fact, I have no idea about actual calorie intake for the last week or so. While I was back and forth to GR, I wasn't logging in my spreadsheet but I was at least keeping a mental tally. This past bit, I just didn't.

I know this is depressing to read, but I feel a bit like this is a time for confession. Own it all, and keep going...again.

SO last night I made a decision. I am tired of the dark mood controlling me. Enough is Enough already! This madness has got to stop! I decided that on Monday (today) I would fast. I would fast and get the crappy foods out of me for at least one day. Then begin again on Tuesday. So far so good. While I am hungry and was tempted by the little danish things they had at my Census Bureau Training today, I am doing good. I feel more in control, like I have a fighting chance now! I think it helps my mood as well to have something productive to do that will bring in money. I have purpose again...at least for 4-6 weeks.

Tomorrow I weigh in. I have no expectations but am sure I will be disappointed if I I miss the 50 lb milestone again. Hopefully, the disappointment won't be all consuming again. Reality says I should consider myself lucky if I hold steady. We will see. I have to admit, I have been tempted to "forget" to go and therefore giving myself an extra day. So instead of falling prey to that little demon, I called the Dr.'s office where I weigh in. They open at 7:30 AM. If I want a morning weigh in or to weigh in before I eat anything, I must be there by 8 AM...otherwise I have to wait and go after my training...at 5:30 PM. I would rather weigh in with nothing in me. So....tomorrow morning it will be.

For now, I am going to change out of my work clothes and go to the local track and see if I can't walk/run something off of me.

This is me....getting up again for about the 100th time in a week...

Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night!

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Poem by Dylan Thomas

My translation: DO not give up!

My Response: Never! I might get wounded and have to limp along for a bit. I might fall down and need some serious help to get back up, I might need someone else to lead the way for a bit, but I won't give up!

Meltdown Mania!

I had a meltdown today folks. A serious one...crying, sobbing really. Today should have been the day that I could write in here and shout from the rooftops that I have reached a milestone. That I had lost 50 LBS! Today should have been a day of celebration and victory. Instead, I had to text my guys, who have been excitedly waiting for this as well, news of a gain. Instead I am here to say I gained .5 a lb. I know, in the grand scheme of things .5 lb is not much. It is really small potatoes and does not change the fact that I have lost 49 lbs. But it is not the news I wanted to share.

The crux of the meltdown came with the fear that perhaps this time really ISN'T different. That perhaps I have not grown, changed, or been healed enough, to go farther than I have before. I have never made it past 60 lbs in any single attempt at weight loss. Fear, disappoint, discouragement. My wonky thoughts were back in full force, screaming that I can't do this! That I don't have what it takes!

Faintly in the background I could hear Coach shouting that I am still in transition...this time IS different...you can Do this Thang! You are learning what is gonna work for you there. But those other voices were far louder. Most of all of me was feeling like, I am on a downward spiral. This is how my stalling out happened "the last time". Small gain here, hold steady there, even a loss thrown in now and then. I don't want to believe the voices that say I am giving up just like last time. That I am getting scared (of what I don't know, but fear is there) and starting my slipping away.

Still in the background, I can hear Aaron saying things like, stay connected...I believe in you. You are making such an impact. But again those other voices were far louder.

I do not want those voices to win. I do not want fear to win again. But I have to admit, part of me is feeling great pressure. Between the fundraiser I wrote about and my own expectations it is feeling overwhelming.

Here is what Aaron said to me that really started to break through those other voices. All of my positive self talk was NOT working, when he said this (gosh Aaron, I hope you don't mind that I publish your words so often, but you say such wise things that so many can be encouraged by)

"While hoping for the milestone, I wasn't surprised about the gain. Not at ALL because I didn't believe in you but because the stakes in this are continually being raised and I'm sure the enemy is on full alert doing whatever he can to stop this. You and your impact, Kim L are a fork in the devil's eye because he stands opposed to the tidal wave of healing and goodness that you and your journey represent. The lies, self-talk, and other bullshit are all attempts to halt or divert you from the exponential impact you are having bringing heaven to earth. The devil is trying to put YOU in a box, silly him!!! This is war and it won't be easy, but oh how much greater is HE that is within you than he that is in the world. Feel and believe that!"

Email is often a poor way to share an emotion, but as I read these words the first time and many times over today, I could feel the passion in his words...it is as if Truth was fighting to be heard in my head and heart, over the other wonky voices screaming in my head, all the way from GR. It was heard Aaron, loud and clear, and oh so true. I have been fighting soo hard to not box myself in. Working hard to not live in such a way that I am safe all the time. A life worth living involves risk and courage. I refuse to let someone else box me in, especially the slimy devil who is just out to protect himself! I refuse to give in to the bullshit lies! I just may need help deciphering the lies from truth from time to time.

Tonight I was talking to Teresa and she said something about not looking too far ahead. But just looking at today. It resonated. I have been looking at 178 lbs to go, 50 goals on my goal list-ok maybe not 50 but at least 25, I have been seeing the pressure of the fundraiser, wondering where my TBL video is gonna go, if not on the show, and what am I gonna do about a job!! That is a lot of pressure folks! Sooo I am gonna try this method of thinking and see how it works. For now...all I have to do is eat well and exercise today. TODAY. I can decide again tomorrow to go again. This reminds me of the scripture that says, "DO not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." Perhaps I should try and follow the wisdom of the Bible for a change!:-)

I am grateful that I have friends willing to get loud for me, willing to fight for me when I cannot fight for myself, cuz I am just bogged down. I am glad that they don't give up on me or think I am too much. Friends who are willing to just listen and understand like no other and who won't let me take any shit from anybody! (thanks JG and AM for today!) The wonky voices are still there, but not as loud as the Truth voices anymore. I can fight for one more day...at least!

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make. (what am I gonna do today, to make me feel proud?)

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray (Thank God for His provision in this...He has set me up to win, how can I fail?)

I am!

I started out with a blog post that talked of who I am despite the body or shell that holds me. For some odd reason, I sent it on to a couple of people as a preview and got some really good feedback. The feedback I heard was that if I separate me from my body, the story is incomplete. Some might make judgements when they see my body that I am lazy, tired, uneducated, bitter, angry, lonely, sad, or unworthy. Oh how wrong those judgments would be. They are incomplete. While I have been those things at times and probably will experience those things again in my lifetime, it is not the whole picture. I am more than just my body, but my body does tell part of the story of me.

I started out my other post talking about an image I had of me, during filming, doing a standing climb on a spin bike in my sports bra and tight shorts, in front of 4 men and actually finding the image beautiful. Yet, I still continued to separate myself from it and make it not me. Fascinating friends, fascinating. Because my thoughts about the girl in the photo were and still are....beautiful, powerful, strong, courageous, amazing, inspiring, happy, focused, determined, well loved...fascinating how I separated myself from that and only associated myself with the negative judgments one might make about a fat girl. I was encouraged to sit with owning my body as me for a bit. What an amazing experience to sit with that for a bit, imagining that photo and slowly but surely coming to grips with it being me, not some random photo of some other girl, but me. In spite of the fact that my body does not look the way I want it to look (yet), it is still me. The me now...as I am...

I have been reminded my body does reflect part of my story. My past story, past decisions that were made for me and by me, past hurts and betrayals, and even past joys. AND it reflects my current decisions, my healing and the work yet to be done. What you see is not always what you get. What you see..is just the starting point to inquire and learn more.

With that said...

I AM

I am ....
both a little girl and a grown woman.
longing to be known and loved.
deserving to be known and loved.
known and loved.

I am...
beautiful and gracious
forgiving and compassionate
motivated and determined
more than merely surviving.

I am ...
powerful and strong
a wounded survivor
with a grateful heart
and an indomitable spirit.

I am ...
an Aunt and a Sister
A daughter and a friend
a future wife and mother
A woman created for relationship.

I am ...
a runner and a spinner
a swimmer and a biker
an athlete, no, a triathlete
breaking free.

I am...ME!

But there is more...oh so much more

I have...
dreams waiting to happen
stories ready to be told
truths worth sharing
Love ready to be given.

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make.

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray

I have...
hope for today and tomorrow too
Peace within me
Mercy raining down on me
Grace sustaining me.

I have...
working hands and feet
propelling me on each day
Victory is within my reach
more healing to be had.

Losing for Life!

A couple weeks ago, my cousin called me up while I was out with friends and started talking about TBL, my weight loss, the Pound for Pound Challenge and a Pregnancy Resource Center that her mom works at. Somehow, she combined all of these things and started talking about how for every pound I lose, she is going to donate $1 to the AAA Pregnancy Resource Center. My response? Uummm ok, great!?!!! She proceeded to talk (mind you I was sitting in a bar, having a beer with friends and was only partially hearing all of what she was saying!). She went on to talk about a Facebook Group and how she wants to invite all of her friends and family (which is also MY family) to join her in this. My response....umm ok...but hey I gotta go, we will talk more tomorrow...

I hung up the phone and realized what I just said yes to! My weight loss journey is about to become far more public than ever before. It is one thing to have this blog, where sure it is technically open to the whole world, but it is very limited still as far as who in my "real" world knows about it and still to this day, my brother is the only family to know about it! I wasn't sure exactly how this would work, but I did know that this organization was now going to be depending on my weight loss for a portion of their funding. Talk about significance! OK! So I SAY I want to make a difference...and then it is like God saying..."Game on!"

The next morning, this Facebook Group was up and running. It took me a week and a half to invite my friends to it and I am just now writing about it on here. And today, I was doing my first official weigh in for this challenge? I am not sure what to call it. So, in addition to writing here, I will be posting in the FB group, and once a month I will be posting a picture of the scale on the FB group! Craziness!! Who knew that my weight loss would ever become something bigger than me and about something more than me! SO here we go!

Today I went to visit this Pregnancy Resource Center. One because I was invited by my Aunt and secondly because I thought I should have a better understanding of what they do...for when I want to give up! I am in awe of what they do. I got to see my Aunt's face light up as she talked about all that she does there, the women that come in, and they get to help them make the best possible choice.

Often times places such as this are villianized as a place that uses strong arm tactics or scare tactics to convince women that they should never have an abortion. While this organization promotes abstinence and does not advocate or give any kind of referral for abortion, they do not use gruesome photos of aborted fetuses or even gruesome descriptions of the abortion process to dissuade women from this choice. Instead, they step in and walk along side a woman, always recognizing the choice they have to make is never, ever easy. It is not something to be taken lightly or without careful consideration. They provide free counseling, education, pregnancy tests, and even sonograms. They have a store filled with all the necessities a child would need. Diapers, wipes, clothing, car seats, swings, formula, shoes, etc. They even have gas cards if there is cash available to purchase them. All of these things are purchased with tokens provided by the center. The tokens are earned by taking classes on things such as parenting skills, breast-feeding, money management and budgeting. They can also earn tokens for completing Bible Studies or going to a church service of their choice.

Here is the amazing thing. ALL of this is provided through donations. There is no federal or state funding available for this organization. I imagine there could be, if they were willing to compromise their values, but since they are not it is all run off of donations and volunteers. There are only 3 paid staff and 2 of those are part time. There are at least 20 regular volunteers who help organize the donations, staff the store, teach classes, provide counseling, and answer phones. As for funding, much of their funding comes from individuals and churches who support their work. But much of it comes from their "bottle drives". They pass out baby bottles and have people fill them with their change. Often churches will have diaper drives or "baby showers" to help restock the store. All of this is soo incredible!

While there I saw one woman come in with her young child. She apparently has a hard time understanding the bible, so she has been allowed to watch videos on the Bible for her Bible studies. She was soo excited to have recently watched a video about prayer and was telling my Aunt that she was disappointed that they couldn't find the video on Matthew last time she was in. The women who come here are varied. Some are married others are not. Some are lower income and need the resources this place provides. Others are in crisis and need to make some really hard decisions. But all of them, regardless of their status or station in life, need someone to listen to them, to walk with them, and to not judge them. They all at some point may need a hug or a hand, and there is an army of volunteers ready to offer that and so much more.

I know this is long but I wanted to tell you about this amazing organization and the hope that it is providing. If you are on Facebook, and are interested in joining this group, look up "pound for a cause, just a dollar!" You can choose to donate less than a dollar if you need to. Even a quarter per pound lost would be an end result of almost 45 dollars when I reach my goal weight! $45 for the Center will provide almost 5 $10 gas cards. or 8 $5 gift cards for the local consignment shop. SO it makes a difference. If you are not on FB, you of course see my weight loss updates and can go directly to the Center website and donate that way!

Ok so here are some pictures that I took today then I am done with this post!!

Aunt Jan with 2 volunteers in the store!

Some of the books/videos available for "sale" in the store!

A couple volunteers, busy counting and prepping the inventory, eventually a couple ladies came in to "shop" with their tokens!

On the right are things like shoes and onsies packaged into sets of 3 or baggies of socks or bibs.

A local church just did their annual diaper drive. While diapers are stacked floor to ceiling on this wall as well as the opposing wall...and more in my aunts office plus the stock that is already in the store, in about 2 months this supply will be depleted and they will be scrambling for more!



This is a primary source of the Center's Funding. While there, a local ministry brought these in. There are probably 50 bottles in here full of change ready to be counted and spent!

Here is one last crazy thing that just shows the desperate need of this ministry in this place at this time in history. About 1 mile away is another kind of crisis pregnancy center. This one actually provides abortions. Last year, this place was cited for improper disposal of "medical waste". This medical waste was not used syringes or bloody bandages. But rather it was aborted fetuses. I am not going to describe what I saw in the newspaper article that I read about this finding, but let me just say it was clearly not just a blob of tissue. If the Center that my Aunt works at was not there, there would not be an alternative that not only educates but walks with a woman as she lives out her choice!

Reality Check!

AS I said in my last post, the last few weeks have been filled with travelling and not eating the best and not much exercise to even make up for it. I think the worst thing I did with my eating was to not eat as regularly as I should and skipping meals completely. It is because I skipped alot of meals that I know I did not go over calories.

My plan was to weigh in yesterday, but I got a later start leaving Grand Rapids....yes I always procrastinate my departure...and well, I don't like to eat anything before I weigh in. So, it was noon before I even made it to Aaron's office to deliver a coffee and say bye to him...and he very gently (as is his way) asked me if I was still planning not to eat until after I weighed in! (which would put my first meal of the day after 3 PM!). Nope, not planning to do that anymore...so I stopped and had lunch with Carol...then headed home. Of course, then I did not want to weigh in with food in me....do you see my procrastination???? I was very nervous about how bad my last few weeks were going to show on the scale!

SO this morning, I was procrastinating once again, but still moving towards getting ready to go out to weigh in when I received a text from Aaron...wondering where the scale update was!! All right! All right!! Already! I will move faster!

All that to say, I weighed in today for the first time since my gain of 1.4 lbs and found I had lost 2 LBS. I was quite surprised! I got off the scale and then got back on! It read the same thing! I couldn't believe it! It is interesting....all my talk about how the scale is just a tool for feedback. Completely unbiased honest feedback...and yet I still fear it at times...guess that is one more idol that needs to keep being brought back down to the low place it deserves, even when it gives me numbers I like!

I am now .5 lbs from hitting 50 LBS!! Come on Tuesday!!! I am excited because on my weight loss ticker in my sidebar...I am now far enough away from my starting weight that you can read all 3 numbers...starting weight, current weight, and goal weight!! Before you wouldn't have known there was a starting weight, then it overlapped it and didn't know what it was!! Very fun!!