Just Couldn't Shake It!

Some of you have been wondering where I have been since my last post. I have gotten the emails! For those of you that saw my highly positive posts for the first 10 weeks of 2009, you might have begun to wonder if I ever had a bad day or a "rough patch". Well, this past week should be enough to know that yes I am indeed human. I do fail and fail miserably. Or as one might say...fail magnificently!

It has been a really rough week. For the first time in a really long time...possibly as far back as November, I went "driving for food". I started out going to get a movie to match my already dark mood and every single convenience store, fast food place, and gas station was calling out to me...to just stop in and see what they had. Fortunately, I managed to keep the car heading straight despite the almost physical pulling of the wheel to turn in. I actually only stopped one place and exercised some measure of restraint. I WANTED to get a whole meal deal super sized plus ice cream! I ended up with one ice cream cone. Ice cream in hand I headed to the video store for my "dark" movie. Upon entering the store with said ice cream in hand...I got a text message from Aaron. Sadly, I ignored it until the ice cream cone was gone. Only to see a message that reminded me to keep my vision in front of me. GRRRR...

In the grand scheme of things, one frozen yogurt from McD's is not all that bad actually. What makes it bad for me is that it was solely an attempt to feed the darkness in my soul. It has been a long time since it has been this bad, I truly forgot how bad it could get when all I want to do is numb out and STOP FEELING. Yet, I also know that isn't what I want to do either. Feeling things means I am alive and well and healthy!

SO I spent a few days, each day trying again to make good choices to start afresh again and again...each time failing. It began to get so overwhelming and even more depressing. I am better than this, right? Stronger than this, right? I know what to do but is it really just a matter of making a choice to eat right? I think sometimes the choice is to just keep getting up. Even if you only stay up for 2 seconds before getting knocked down again.

Sunday, I knew might be rough, given my lingering mood. Holiday meal with family. Family who all now know about my weight loss efforts thanks to the Pound for a Cause fundraiser. While I don't regret saying yes to this, it does add pressure. In the end, there really wasn't anything healthy served, it was one of our typical family meals. But outside of that, the day started with mom being food police there making several comments about what I am allowed to have or should/shouldn't have until I finally looked at her and just told her to "shut up". Yes, I told my mom to shut up, in those words. We have already had this conversation about her not being my food police, so I feel justified. I may be wrong, but for now I feel justified.

As for quantity of food I did ok. But I have no idea about calories. In fact, I have no idea about actual calorie intake for the last week or so. While I was back and forth to GR, I wasn't logging in my spreadsheet but I was at least keeping a mental tally. This past bit, I just didn't.

I know this is depressing to read, but I feel a bit like this is a time for confession. Own it all, and keep going...again.

SO last night I made a decision. I am tired of the dark mood controlling me. Enough is Enough already! This madness has got to stop! I decided that on Monday (today) I would fast. I would fast and get the crappy foods out of me for at least one day. Then begin again on Tuesday. So far so good. While I am hungry and was tempted by the little danish things they had at my Census Bureau Training today, I am doing good. I feel more in control, like I have a fighting chance now! I think it helps my mood as well to have something productive to do that will bring in money. I have purpose again...at least for 4-6 weeks.

Tomorrow I weigh in. I have no expectations but am sure I will be disappointed if I I miss the 50 lb milestone again. Hopefully, the disappointment won't be all consuming again. Reality says I should consider myself lucky if I hold steady. We will see. I have to admit, I have been tempted to "forget" to go and therefore giving myself an extra day. So instead of falling prey to that little demon, I called the Dr.'s office where I weigh in. They open at 7:30 AM. If I want a morning weigh in or to weigh in before I eat anything, I must be there by 8 AM...otherwise I have to wait and go after my training...at 5:30 PM. I would rather weigh in with nothing in me. So....tomorrow morning it will be.

For now, I am going to change out of my work clothes and go to the local track and see if I can't walk/run something off of me.

This is me....getting up again for about the 100th time in a week...

Meltdown Mania!

I had a meltdown today folks. A serious one...crying, sobbing really. Today should have been the day that I could write in here and shout from the rooftops that I have reached a milestone. That I had lost 50 LBS! Today should have been a day of celebration and victory. Instead, I had to text my guys, who have been excitedly waiting for this as well, news of a gain. Instead I am here to say I gained .5 a lb. I know, in the grand scheme of things .5 lb is not much. It is really small potatoes and does not change the fact that I have lost 49 lbs. But it is not the news I wanted to share.

The crux of the meltdown came with the fear that perhaps this time really ISN'T different. That perhaps I have not grown, changed, or been healed enough, to go farther than I have before. I have never made it past 60 lbs in any single attempt at weight loss. Fear, disappoint, discouragement. My wonky thoughts were back in full force, screaming that I can't do this! That I don't have what it takes!

Faintly in the background I could hear Coach shouting that I am still in transition...this time IS different...you can Do this Thang! You are learning what is gonna work for you there. But those other voices were far louder. Most of all of me was feeling like, I am on a downward spiral. This is how my stalling out happened "the last time". Small gain here, hold steady there, even a loss thrown in now and then. I don't want to believe the voices that say I am giving up just like last time. That I am getting scared (of what I don't know, but fear is there) and starting my slipping away.

Still in the background, I can hear Aaron saying things like, stay connected...I believe in you. You are making such an impact. But again those other voices were far louder.

I do not want those voices to win. I do not want fear to win again. But I have to admit, part of me is feeling great pressure. Between the fundraiser I wrote about and my own expectations it is feeling overwhelming.

Here is what Aaron said to me that really started to break through those other voices. All of my positive self talk was NOT working, when he said this (gosh Aaron, I hope you don't mind that I publish your words so often, but you say such wise things that so many can be encouraged by)

"While hoping for the milestone, I wasn't surprised about the gain. Not at ALL because I didn't believe in you but because the stakes in this are continually being raised and I'm sure the enemy is on full alert doing whatever he can to stop this. You and your impact, Kim L are a fork in the devil's eye because he stands opposed to the tidal wave of healing and goodness that you and your journey represent. The lies, self-talk, and other bullshit are all attempts to halt or divert you from the exponential impact you are having bringing heaven to earth. The devil is trying to put YOU in a box, silly him!!! This is war and it won't be easy, but oh how much greater is HE that is within you than he that is in the world. Feel and believe that!"

Email is often a poor way to share an emotion, but as I read these words the first time and many times over today, I could feel the passion in his words...it is as if Truth was fighting to be heard in my head and heart, over the other wonky voices screaming in my head, all the way from GR. It was heard Aaron, loud and clear, and oh so true. I have been fighting soo hard to not box myself in. Working hard to not live in such a way that I am safe all the time. A life worth living involves risk and courage. I refuse to let someone else box me in, especially the slimy devil who is just out to protect himself! I refuse to give in to the bullshit lies! I just may need help deciphering the lies from truth from time to time.

Tonight I was talking to Teresa and she said something about not looking too far ahead. But just looking at today. It resonated. I have been looking at 178 lbs to go, 50 goals on my goal list-ok maybe not 50 but at least 25, I have been seeing the pressure of the fundraiser, wondering where my TBL video is gonna go, if not on the show, and what am I gonna do about a job!! That is a lot of pressure folks! Sooo I am gonna try this method of thinking and see how it works. For now...all I have to do is eat well and exercise today. TODAY. I can decide again tomorrow to go again. This reminds me of the scripture that says, "DO not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." Perhaps I should try and follow the wisdom of the Bible for a change!:-)

I am grateful that I have friends willing to get loud for me, willing to fight for me when I cannot fight for myself, cuz I am just bogged down. I am glad that they don't give up on me or think I am too much. Friends who are willing to just listen and understand like no other and who won't let me take any shit from anybody! (thanks JG and AM for today!) The wonky voices are still there, but not as loud as the Truth voices anymore. I can fight for one more day...at least!

I have...
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make. (what am I gonna do today, to make me feel proud?)

I have...
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don't stray (Thank God for His provision in this...He has set me up to win, how can I fail?)

8 down...200 to go...or something like that...

I am down 8 lbs! While I do see this as a victory, there is still some disappointment in that it is not a new 8 lbs lost. Actually only 2 of it is new. But I am on my way. And hopefully, I won't turn back again. I have been silent on this matter for some time now. OK, so I started the blog to write about the up and down struggle I have with losing weight and I have only written the ups :-) Hmmm I hope to get better about that.

I was asked by a dear friend last night how he can proactively support me in this journey. I had no answer for him. I know that I know that I have his support without judgment or condemnation. In fact I have many people in my life that I have that with. I truly am blessed in that way! My problem is, when I am struggling, I don't see that. I hear loud and clear my own voice in my head that screams of my failures and insecurities. So I plod along in my own way and because I am very VERY good at putting on a good face...no one knows I struggle. Then I wonder why no one notices.

I do know that I am not up for every person in my life asking me daily how I am doing and where I am at with this struggle or any other. I tried that. It doesn't work. It just highlights my failings that much more. Besides that, if you only knew how many amazing supportive people I have in my life...you would know how overwhelming that would get.

I am up for giving a few key people in my life free reign to ask anything, anytime, but please don't ask me publicly (as if I need to say that to those key people). You know if you are a key person. IF you are wondering if you are a key person...I am sorry...but you probably are not. Anonymous friend mentioned above...come out of your head a minute...you are one of them :-)

Some people may get their feelings hurt by this, but as much as I am up for honesty and relationship and authenticity...I have to go with what I need in this. I have to think about me. Imagine that...what a concept :-)

So I will see you on the downside...and if I think of more proactive ways you can support me...well I will let you know!