Monday, December 22, 2008

Does history ALWAYS repeat itself?

I was just re-reading my very first post tonight, thinking about how when I first started this, I was anticipating a whole lot of struggle and very little success. But as I look back over the last 3 months, I have had more successes than failures. I haven't always lost the pounds each week, but I handled it in a more healthy manner. I didn't give up. I am still going.

Then I thought about today, and how in the morning, I did a Pilates class, then tonight I went and did a Spin class then swam. I have been slowly increasing the duration, intensity, and frequency of my workouts. It has been cool to see the progress and regardless of what is showing up on the scale, the results are beginning to show in my clothes. Which means, people are going to start noticing a difference. Truthfully they already have, but I didn't believe them because I didn't notice a difference in how my clothes fit.

In the past, when people start noticing, I have fallen off the wagon and begun to move in the opposite direction of where I want to go. This usually begins to happen sometime shortly after the 3rd month of whatever "program" I am doing. I am taking stock. I am beyond the 3rd month of my program(whatever that is). People are noticing my "ever shrinking ass". My clothes fit different. So I am wondering will history repeat itself once again? Or have the changes I think I have been making physically, emotionally, and spiritually really taken root in me such that history does not have to repeat itself?

I hope so and yet there is a part of me that is anticipating a crash. There is a voice in my head that was once really loud. This voice has been quiet for a while now...until tonight. Tonight, it has been a quiet whisper of doubt and fear, telling me I don't have what it takes for long term achievement. That I can do anything short term, but long term is not my game. I am not buying into this lie...not fully. I am just putting it out there...into the light, lest it take root and strangle the new life growing in me.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

More than gloves and hats!

Just a funny story, that I woke up laughing about!

Yesterday, West Michigan got ridiculous amounts of snow dumped on us from heaven above. And while most people would think, it is crazy to go out in this mess....I went. I had things to do. Getting back home was a problem though. The snow plows had come through on the cross streets leaving the entrance to my street blocked. So instead I went to a friends house. He has a HUGE driveway that needed to be shoveled/snow blown so that his roommates could come home. So while he is snow blowing, I of course offer to help despite being in a suit as I had just come from an interview.

This nameless friend says to me ( who happens to NOT have weight issues), "Hey Kim, I might have an extra pair of snow pants you could wear."
Me: Uuummm yeah right! Friend, your pants will NOT fit me!
Friend: Well, you don't know that, I have some pretty big snow pants.
Me: Friend, I appreciate you and the offer so much but I can assure you that there is no way that your BIGGEST pants would fit me and honestly it would be way too embarrassing for me to even try and find out.

Now throughout this conversation, I am laughing. This friend knows me...he knows I have been losing weight, and he knows some of my struggle. In the past I might have been mortified about this conversation, but I was just greatly amused. It is clear to me....that my friends, or at least he, does not see my weight first and me second...they/he just sees ME.

All of this makes me realize a new goal....I want to be able to borrow a pair of snow pants in a pinch if necessary and not just the hats and gloves that he has in a basket in his house.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Tis true, miracles never cease!

Is it possible that addiction can be good? For the last few weeks, I have been on a good streak of eating and exercise. I have never been one to like exercise for the sake of exercise and typically going to the gym is pure drudgery. I have never liked it, for a few reasons. Insecurity is one. Going to a place where I know that the majority of the people there will be fit and definitely more healthy than I is not so easy. I wonder what all these fit people must think of me, ME! being there. Then the comparisons start in my head. This is a cycle that must be controlled vigilantly lest it truly get the best of me. Incompetence has been another reason that makes me hate the gym. There are so many contraptions there that work muscles that I don't think I have at all! I mean it is enough that I have the major muscle groups (in limited supply of course -at least right now). But come on...do I really need to work that tiny tiny muscle that supposedly lives under my rib cage? I of course know that the gym offers an orientation for people such as myself to show me how to use the stuff, but that would mean I have to actually ADMIT I don't know, out loud, to one of those fit people mentioned above and then seriously battle those same insecurity issues above. Pain has also kept me away. I don't like to hurt...and I certainly don't like to do things that actually cause pain. I don't think I am crazy in this though.

Despite all this that has kept me away in the past...I have been pretty diligent about going to the gym daily. It helps to have people to go with me on the days I really don't want to go, but I also have to go by myself quite often. During my time I have lurked around some contraptions, and learned by secretly observing others, how to use a few of the machines. I have spent many hours on a treadmill, continuously increasing my speed each week and stretching myself and have even taken a few group classes. To my utter amazement, I have actually come to enjoy the gym. I look forward to going and have even turned down or showed up late to social activities with friends so that I could go to the gym.

This week, while being back in Detroit for a few days, I have found myself longing for the gym. At one point I thought these kind of longings were for other people, but not me. But I do. I am feigning for a good workout and the firm knowledge that I have burned a lot of calories. And I am actually considering NOT going to TN with my brother because it would mean leaving my precious gym for another week! Who knew it would ever come to this!!

While I have come far in this journey...I still feel insecure at times(fortunately IF my fellow gym mates wonder what I am doing there, they keep those thoughts to themselves) and definitely incompetent (lurking and learning helps) and pain too(don't ask me about Pilates). But so far my vision of a wholly healthy me has been enough to propel me forward. Inch by inch I am making progress, literally and figuratively.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

22 LBS of Knowledge

While watching the Biggest Loser last night, Bob was concerned that one of the contestants would gain all of her weight back because she didn't seem to learn anything besides the exercise and nutrition piece. He was wanting to see what she had learned about herself, her triggers, her motivations, etc. So of course I have been recommitted to this whole "get healthy" thing for about 12 weeks now. I have had gains and losses, victories and disappointments. I thought I would have lost 30 LBS by now for sure and certainly thought it would be easier.

I have known on a superficial level that this journey of health is not just about my weight. In the last 12 weeks I have come to KNOW that it is also about my spiritual health, my emotional health, and my relational health as well. If those things are not in balance, how can I expect to control my food and exercise? So what have I learned?

Spiritual Health- Focusing on Physical Health while taking a class about Healing from Sexual Abuse certainly triggers the spiritual side of things. Never before have I experienced more anger towards God. Never before have I felt such extreme swings of emotion and feeling, and have been able to actually identify what I am feeling. I have never had to fight so hard to stay true to the One I know to be true. And never before have I experienced such tender grace and mercy. I wrote before about how God seemed to have moved in with me in a physical way. He still has not left. I now know that God will never leave me or forsake me. This is no longer a nice platitude given to encourage the downtrodden. I know because in my moments of deepest shame and pain and fear and anger...He moved in closer. Everything is still not all worked out with me and God. But we are in honest communication about it.

Emotional Health- I have been working for over a year with a counselor on identifying my feelings and staying out of my logical head when things are going on for me. I can be a master at justifying a certain feeling or minimizing it based on circumstances. While this has been on-going work, I have begun to see the fruits during this last 12 weeks while looking at my abuse story and trying to lose weight...For an emotional eater this is like sending me into a minefield! But I have seen so many victories where I have learned to identify and FEEL the emotion that is present and NOT go to food for comfort. There have been times where I have, but the majority of the time has been spent in victory. I have experienced more tears, more anger, more joy, more sorrow, more shame, more beauty in the last 12 weeks than in the last 3 years. Before I could count on 1 hand how many times I had really cried. Now I cannot even count how many times I have cried.

Relational Health- In my past I have been quite good at cutting people out of my life and making it look so natural. I have been challenged countless times in my past about inviting people in and having been living in such deep shame, I was unwilling to do so. While I have many many many friends who would love to support me in my health journey and in my abuse journey, I have come to value the intimacy of a few for these parts of my life. All of my relationships don't need to be in on ALL of what is real for me ALL of the time. I recognize my power to pick and choose. Jesus chose a few to be with him in Gethsamanee when he was feeling the most vulnerable and the most heart sick. I also know that my story can be used to motivate and encourage others. So although I have a few who know they have full access to anything they want to know...there will be times others will be let in to these parts for a purpose.

Physical Health- I have lost 22 LBS. I am in a good place of regular exercise and healthy eating. The key for me (at least at this point) is to not make it a big deal. It is not a huge part of my conversations, although it is present...particularly with those few. And of course it is a huge part of this blog...but the blog is more for me than anyone else.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Self-Talk

Yesterday as I was thinking about my Saturday, I realized I had one time slot in which I could work out, which was the morning. However, I stayed out waaaayy too late and actually ended up not crawling into bed until 6:30 AM after taking my roommate to the airport then deciding to get my grocery shopping done. I crawled into bed and decided that 11 AM was my designated time slot to work out regardless of whether or not Mike called to say he was going or not, which would give me almost 5 hours of sleep.

11 AM came and I did NOT want to go. I did not want to even open my eyes. I thought, who can I get to go with me so that I would be motivated or at the very least, I wouldn't let someone else down. Laurie-couldn't, Mike-hadn't called me back yet, assume he can't go in the AM, Adam-won't/can't go in the mornings, Aaron-probably still sick, Virg-out of town....the list goes on.

As I pondered who might want to go to the gym, battling the horrible roads...and who would be up for going RIGHT NOW, this thought came to me. "How come it is ok to let myself down and break a commitment to myself, but not to others?" How come I am not getting my but out of bed with urgency and focus simply because I said to myself last night that I was going to the gym today? Why do I need a commitment to someone else to propel my ass out of bed to go to the gym?

Then I pondered going and doing just enough to say I went. Well after my previous thoughts, half assing it just wasn't going to work for me. Either I was going and going all in, ready to burn some calories...or I wasn't going to go. Simple as that. I had a choice to make. Am I important enough to myself to keep commitments to myself about the things I want regardless of if anyone else is involved or not? Who knew that a decision to go to the gym or not on a really cold snowy morning with little sleep would turn into such a huge deal!! (and all of these thoughts happened in the first 30 minutes of my first attempt to open my eyes...this is kind of like a miracle...ask my brother!)



I went.



Soooo Victorious! Perhaps I am getting one decision closer to a wholly healthy ME! Now THAT my friends is Beautiful!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

In case you are wondering...

I now have 2 tickers on my sidebar. My gym where I weigh myself got a new scale. It is supposedly more accurate. I don't like the new numbers, but I have decided to roll with it. However, I do not want to forget that I really did lose 16 lbs. I am proud of them as they were hard won battles. So instead of deleting the old one, I just created a new one with the new scale numbers on it.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Home is Where...




I feel most loved.


Most accepted.


Most challenged.


Safest.


Where I feel enCOURAGEd.


Where I feel the most able and willing to take risks.


It is not always a physical place.


It is where when I need a hug, I don't even need to ask, because it is already given.


It is where when I don't want to be alone, I am not.


It is where I am listened to, and heard.


It is where I can be the most vulnerable.


It is where I can be the most afraid and the least afraid at the same time.


It is where the people around me know me better than I know myself and are not willing to let me settle for less than the best.


Home is where the people around me ask the hard questions and don't let me squirm away from the answers.


It is where I feel like I really CAN do anything because those around me believe I can.


It is where I am stretched beyond myself.


It is where I can be silly. Where I can laugh until I pass out and know that I am being laughed with and not at.


It is where help is just a phone call away.


It is where I feel beautiful, talented, fabulous, gorgeous.


It is where I feel most alive.


It is where I am known.
It is where even my unspoken words are heard louder than my spoken ones.


Home is the closest thing to Heaven on earth and the only place I want to be...




and I may have to leave it soon...and my heart breaks.