Photo update and other ramblings

I think I look skinny here...ok skinny is relative...but seriously!

This shirt I am wearing here, I bought one week ago for a Rock Band Party, in which I wanted to dress in rocker attire! I think I did a decent job...hehehe or at least I had fun! The wig is an official Hannah Montana wig! Anyway, the point of pointing out the shirt is that I put the shirt on today since it was soo blazing hot outside and I have precious little to wear these days...and well...it is ALREADY getting looser on me! Woot! Woot!

I started my new job this week! Well, I started working outside of the training room anyway! I am officially a US Census Bureau Lister....which means I go around and systematically canvass every house in a given area and map every house, or what COULD BE a house! In 3 days I have walked 36 miles! Yes, I walked it! Today, I came home after 7 hours for a break and some lunch and was NOT sure I would be able to go back out...my feet were aching...surprisingly though after a bit of a break, I was able to go out and go pretty strong until almost 9 PM tonight! I am looking forward to not walking long distances for the next two days! Don't worry Aaron and Coach, I will figure in some other kind of workout that does NOT include walking!

I had another random thought...but I am fading fast here...oh well....Oh yes....eating. I have been pretty good on eating...staying within calories...the only thing I am NOT doing is eating more regularly. I eat breakfast, at some point break and grab lunch, then when I get home at approx 9 I eat dinner....and not really factoring in snacks and things...

I am looking forward to seeing what all this walking does for me on Tuesday! Seriously, if this is not a 5 lb loss week I might be upset! I have noticed that by the end of the day, my hands and feet are swollen, so I know I am retaining water....I hope that doesn't happen for the weigh in...any suggestions people on how to make that NOT happen? I am tempted to not work Monday...just to be sure that doesn't happen...but then that will screw me for the rest of the week and it will end up being another week like this one...mass hours in a short time frame!

Ok Goodnight! Much to do before I sleep....much to do before I sleep!

Grrrrr...I hate how when I post pictures....my paragraphs disappear and it looks like one long run-on paragraph.....another reason to switch to wordpress!!! Soon friends...soon!

The Ultimate Smackdown!

Hello Blogland! Despite all the encouragement I get from hearing about you and how you struggle and get back up, in the moment of it happening, it is much more difficult to write about the struggle in the midst of it. It is much easier to stay silent until I am sure I am on my way back out of the hole. SO much for this being moment by moment...day by day...the good, the bad, and the downright ugly! I was wondering when the last time was that I struggled really really bad...and it has truly been months! How quickly I forget the depths to which I can go.

Anyway, as you all know, this past week was my first week in my new home, in Detroit. I came right into being a full time mom to my 6 nieces and nephews (5 under 4yrs old) while their parents were out of town. I have done this before, but typically I am in THEIR home where things seem less chaotic than here at mom's. I got nothing unpacked or sorted, leaving me feeling out of control, especially since until they left, there really was no hope for that. Then, I was eating poorly out of laziness. I just didn't feel like preparing a 2nd meal for myself after preparing a meal for the kids and since mom had already planned their meals for them, again I FELT out of control. SO then with the exception of 2 workouts, I threw the gym out the window. I mean heck, if I was gonna be out of control, why not be COMPLETELY out of control! Why not eat exactly what I want even if it produces stomach pains and runs to the bathroom! And if I am REALLY honest with myself, after my Wednesday spin experience, I wasn't too thrilled about going back to that Y, which means unless I am willing to have a conversation about it, I need to let some things there go.

In hindsight and through the eyes of someone pulling her head out of her A** or umm the sand...yeah the sand, I had and do have far more control than I think. Sure there are circumstances beyond my control, but I decide what to put in my mouth, I decide whether to go to the gym no matter what. I decide what my attitude is gonna be about this whole thing. SO what if my space is not in order yet! Does that REALLY have to affect the rest of my choices? So what if some stranger judges me without knowing what I can do? I know what I can do!

It also helped to get some good feedback from Coach and Aaron. OK, really it is a smackdown! Here is what I got from them.

From Coach:
1. I wouldn't be surprised if it takes you a good month to really settle into a productive routine again where you are in reasonable control of your food, exercises, and available resources.
(HA! This is good to remember and to actually consider. I am still getting my head wrapped around the concept that it will take time to adjust...I am hoping for less than a month, but I will try to give myself grace in the meantime)
2. This is a long road. A few "messed up" weeks here and there is nothing to needlessly spend emotional energy fretting over. (yes, this is why Coach is Coach people...he is always good at seeing the big picture when I focus on the step in front of me too much! He is also far more patient than I about taking things easy, and setting myself up for the long haul. I just wanna blaze ahead and do it perfect!)
3. This time is different. Same principles and goals apply. Now you have a different setting to apply them within. Environment was in the driver's seat in the past. Now you are. (YES I AM ....and to quote our President...YES I CAN!...but gosh it sure is easier in my old environment...at least in the end...I am quick to forget about the 3 months it took me to get into a good routine and develop good habits, no matter what...I certainly didn't start out last September the way I was going in January!)
4. Do this thang. (AKA Get er done....take care of business...do what I gotta do!....Yes Sir!)

From Aaron:

Also, what if...you viewed your current situation from a perspective of gratitude. God has been gracious enough to disrupt a routine that you had perhaps grown too comfortable in and he has placed increased challenges in front of you because he knows you can handle it. If you are really going to have lasting change you will at some point need to learn how to stick with it when unhealthy eating choices are constantly right under your nose and your workout environment isn't the cushy and friendly DDH. How fortunate that you GET to be faced with those challenges right now to develop further strength in those areas. God must really love you and believe in you! Lucky!

OK, my initial reaction was to drive across the state and smack this man. (Sorry Aaron...you didn't know that you were in danger!) Seriously, I had a good dose of self pity and whining going on! I don't wanna be here! I wanna be there! I don't like it! I miss DDH! I miss my friends! I don't have any control! I don't...I want....I can't....blah blah blah! However, when I step back...he is right and he disrupted my whining! (God please don't let me end up being like Joelle, if I make TBL!) And he is right! I am blessed! My God is not a God of Comfort, but He is one of Mercy and Grace. He doesn't always give me what I want, but he always provides for my needs. It has been one week. I will make new friends. If I give it a chance, I will learn to enjoy my new gym and perhaps even make some new workout buddies. I might in time come to even like Ann, The Legend! But no matter what, I will become stronger. I will learn to choose me and do right by me, no matter what the circumstances. I know I can do this because My God loves me and believes in me!! I am Lucky! Thanks Aaron for pointing that out and reminding me!

Now that my update about food and exercise for last week is finally written here is some more news....get ready blogland....Coach and Aaron don't even know this yet! hehehe

In addition to doing the Triathlon Relay again (swimming 1000 meters this time), I am going to train and see if I can't get myself in enough shape to do two legs of a Triathlon over Labor Day Weekend. Labor Day weekend happens to be my birthday weekend and I think I really like the idea of doing something fun and healthy and for me that weekend. Perhaps this will become my new tradition. Anyway, I am for sure going to be able to swim 500 meters, but then I want to run 5K as well by September. So I will have to find a female biker, as the tri that I would be doing is an all female event. I don't think I will have a problem finding one! By making this a goal and by speaking it out, it gives me a reason other than plain old exercise to get to the gym each day. It is highly motivating for me!

With that, I am gonna go to the gym. I know my guys are getting ready to spin their butts off with Jeff right now, so I might as well be there running mine off right along with them! Just in a different location!

Wonked in the Head!

As I begin to pack things up and the end of my time here draws near, I am getting nervous. Nervous to be heading back to Detroit and nervous about my ability to stay on track. I KNOW this is not Truth that I am feeling but that doesn't make the feelings any less real.

Here is what I have been noticing.

I have begun obsessing on the scale. I have been checking it daily. I know Coach. The body fluctuates from day to day. It is not good to weigh yourself daily. I was and still am disappointed in a 2 LB weight loss for the week. I think it is that realization that has made me really think about all of this stuff. 2lbs in a week is good, I know that. Any loss is good really! But I wanted more, because I leave here in a few weeks, you know.

I was beginning to see myself cut back on calories in the last day or so, knowing full well that that is not the way to do it. Knowing that will just send my body back to a holding pattern. But nevertheless, less calories in makes more logical sense to me than the other way around. So then my next thought is well, if I am not going to cut calories, then I must increase my exercise to burn more calories.

Exercising more means being at the gym more than 2 hours a day. While this may not seem crazy for someone of my size, who wants to lose weight desperately, to do, the motivation is fear more than health. There is a drive in me to lose as much weight as I can before Feb 15th, when I am officially back home with the hopes that the more I have off the easier it will be??? Or sadly, if I can lose another 25 before then, then that is 25 more lbs that I would have to regain if I were to completely fail. 25 LBS is ALOT to lose in one month (unless you are on The Biggest Loser Ranch). It took me 4 months to lose my first 25. In order to cut another 25 in the next month, drastic measures would have to take place.

I don't want to become some person that has eating disorders or crazy ways of managing weight. Maybe I already am that and that is where the struggle is coming in. I do not know for sure. All I know is that I want to be healthy. I want to keep up a healthy balance of diet and exercise now and in Detroit, for this season and for life! I want to be motivated by the feeling of health and energy that rises up in me after a good work out and not the fear that if I don't I won't lose any weight or worse I might gain.

I am writing this blog, just to get the fears out of my head and somewhere else that they won't consume me. I know, that when things are in the light, they cannot control me. It doesn't mean I won't be afraid or nervous or that I won't think about these things ever again. But I am hoping between speaking it out and my team, it won't control me. And as a side note, this isn't how I feel all the time, but it has become more so this week than most.

A.M and M.K, did you have any idea I was this wonked in the head???

One more thing...(I accidentally hit the post button) Slow and Steady wins the race, right??

Tis true, miracles never cease!

Is it possible that addiction can be good? For the last few weeks, I have been on a good streak of eating and exercise. I have never been one to like exercise for the sake of exercise and typically going to the gym is pure drudgery. I have never liked it, for a few reasons. Insecurity is one. Going to a place where I know that the majority of the people there will be fit and definitely more healthy than I is not so easy. I wonder what all these fit people must think of me, ME! being there. Then the comparisons start in my head. This is a cycle that must be controlled vigilantly lest it truly get the best of me. Incompetence has been another reason that makes me hate the gym. There are so many contraptions there that work muscles that I don't think I have at all! I mean it is enough that I have the major muscle groups (in limited supply of course -at least right now). But come on...do I really need to work that tiny tiny muscle that supposedly lives under my rib cage? I of course know that the gym offers an orientation for people such as myself to show me how to use the stuff, but that would mean I have to actually ADMIT I don't know, out loud, to one of those fit people mentioned above and then seriously battle those same insecurity issues above. Pain has also kept me away. I don't like to hurt...and I certainly don't like to do things that actually cause pain. I don't think I am crazy in this though.

Despite all this that has kept me away in the past...I have been pretty diligent about going to the gym daily. It helps to have people to go with me on the days I really don't want to go, but I also have to go by myself quite often. During my time I have lurked around some contraptions, and learned by secretly observing others, how to use a few of the machines. I have spent many hours on a treadmill, continuously increasing my speed each week and stretching myself and have even taken a few group classes. To my utter amazement, I have actually come to enjoy the gym. I look forward to going and have even turned down or showed up late to social activities with friends so that I could go to the gym.

This week, while being back in Detroit for a few days, I have found myself longing for the gym. At one point I thought these kind of longings were for other people, but not me. But I do. I am feigning for a good workout and the firm knowledge that I have burned a lot of calories. And I am actually considering NOT going to TN with my brother because it would mean leaving my precious gym for another week! Who knew it would ever come to this!!

While I have come far in this journey...I still feel insecure at times(fortunately IF my fellow gym mates wonder what I am doing there, they keep those thoughts to themselves) and definitely incompetent (lurking and learning helps) and pain too(don't ask me about Pilates). But so far my vision of a wholly healthy me has been enough to propel me forward. Inch by inch I am making progress, literally and figuratively.

Self-Talk

Yesterday as I was thinking about my Saturday, I realized I had one time slot in which I could work out, which was the morning. However, I stayed out waaaayy too late and actually ended up not crawling into bed until 6:30 AM after taking my roommate to the airport then deciding to get my grocery shopping done. I crawled into bed and decided that 11 AM was my designated time slot to work out regardless of whether or not Mike called to say he was going or not, which would give me almost 5 hours of sleep.

11 AM came and I did NOT want to go. I did not want to even open my eyes. I thought, who can I get to go with me so that I would be motivated or at the very least, I wouldn't let someone else down. Laurie-couldn't, Mike-hadn't called me back yet, assume he can't go in the AM, Adam-won't/can't go in the mornings, Aaron-probably still sick, Virg-out of town....the list goes on.

As I pondered who might want to go to the gym, battling the horrible roads...and who would be up for going RIGHT NOW, this thought came to me. "How come it is ok to let myself down and break a commitment to myself, but not to others?" How come I am not getting my but out of bed with urgency and focus simply because I said to myself last night that I was going to the gym today? Why do I need a commitment to someone else to propel my ass out of bed to go to the gym?

Then I pondered going and doing just enough to say I went. Well after my previous thoughts, half assing it just wasn't going to work for me. Either I was going and going all in, ready to burn some calories...or I wasn't going to go. Simple as that. I had a choice to make. Am I important enough to myself to keep commitments to myself about the things I want regardless of if anyone else is involved or not? Who knew that a decision to go to the gym or not on a really cold snowy morning with little sleep would turn into such a huge deal!! (and all of these thoughts happened in the first 30 minutes of my first attempt to open my eyes...this is kind of like a miracle...ask my brother!)

I went.

Soooo Victorious! Perhaps I am getting one decision closer to a wholly healthy ME! Now THAT my friends is Beautiful!!

Unfounded Fears

It has been an interesting and challenging week and a half since my last 1lb gain. From the day that I found I gained 1 lb through that first Sat, I lost 3 lbs by very carefully counting my calories, discovering that I don't eat ENOUGH, and meticulously logging my time at the gym. I was ecstatic as I was on track for a 4-5 lb loss for the week, which would have been amazing!

On Sunday, I found out that I really needed to go home for a few days to help with my nieces and nephews while their mom and dad spent much time at the hospital with their oldest, Gavin. I was gone from Sunday night until Thursday afternoon, staying with 5 young children, and pretty much becoming a single mom overnight! It was a lot of work and after having a week of feeling really good about my eating and exercising, I had no idea how I was going to keep it up while at home. I felt very out of control of my environment, my time, the food that was available to me (their church was bringing in meals), or my ability to exercise. My drive home was full of anxiety as I worried about Gavin and worried about how I was going to choose to be successful in this and not resigned to failure.

On Monday after my first full day with the kids. This is what my schedule looked like.
6 AM Wake up to some child needing to "go potty" or wanting to be fed.
6:30 AM all the kids are awake by now and demanding to be fed, changed, dressed, or something
7:30 they want a snack

Pretty much the whole day was spent, preparing food for meals or snacks, cleaning up from meals or snacks, or trying to figure out the caloric count in foods that are brought in for us that I have no idea what is in them...Since I had little idea, I went for eating small amounts of things or eating fruit (which doesn't stay with you long-therefore feeling like I had been eating all day! Then on top of that feeling like, how in the world do you fit in exercise when you have 5 kids hanging on you all day and no stroller to fit them all.

SO here is what I did. I took control. I called my brother Ken and asked him to come sit with the kids for a bit so I could go out for a walk/run. Thankfully, he has been reading my blog (Yes Ken, I know you came back :-) I have a handy tracker :-) and therefore he knows what I have been up to and he came to my rescue. Thank You Kenny! So, I was able to go for a mile walk/run and it felt good. Not that I like exercise yet, but it felt good to feel like I had some control over my circumstances and that despite what looked like might turn out to be a bad ending to a great week, I was able to end it well.

On Tuesday, I went and found a scale to weigh in on. I do NOT recommend weighing in on a scale different than the one you have been on. I got on and it said I had gained 13 lbs since Saturday! Now in reality, I may have eaten a few extra calories on Monday, and may not have burned as many calories as I have been burning at the gym during my run walk, however in order to have gained 13 lbs I would have had to consume 45, 500 calories in a day and a half and not burned anything! I laughed at this scale, walked out and said...until I get back home I am considering my Saturday weight to be my weight for today!

Thursday and Friday was crazy busy and so today I went back to the gym, and weighed myself...I am on track. But since today is not my normal weigh in day, you will have to wait until Tues to find out where I am.

I didn't get to work out after that first workout on Monday, but it is not like I was sitting around either. 5 Kids under the age of 4 is a LOT of work and you move a lot taking care of just there actual physical needs. I must have gone up and down the stairs at least 30 times each day. Then there is all the toe touches as I picked up toys from the floor each day! Then there is carrying the 25 lbs of 1 yr old around each day! And that is just the work of it. That does not include all the playing, wrestling, and dancing with the princes and princesses at the balls we had!

All in all there were lots of victories this week. The biggest being that my fear that being home means inevitable failure or back tracking or gains or whatever you want to call it, does not have to be true! I decide. I am in control. I can win this war!

Now for a cute kid story since I spent the week with them. All of the kids love to play dress up. Their favorite is to be prince and princesses with the beautiful gowns and whatever clothes Garrett determines are the best for a prince to wear! While in costume, they are really in character. And of course all fairy tales that involve princes and princesses also include an evil witch. That role always falls to whatever adult is around. AKA Me. Emma, the 2 yr old princess wanted an orange peeled. After asking nicely to have one and I began peeling it for her, she looks at me and say "Do it _itch, Do it" Ummm "Excuse Me?" The princess says, "I saaiiiiddd, Do it _itch, Do it!!" Yeah she was calling me WITCH! She was still in character! It did NOT sound like WITCH!! Gotta love these kids!

Ups and Downs

Yesterday I weighed in again. I was expecting good things. After all, I felt like I did good this past week. Eating well and working out 5 of 7 days. You would think that all of that would result in a loss. But a loss was not in the cards for me. I gained 1 lb. In previous weeks where I have gained, I could look back and clearly see where I went wrong whether it was not really hitting the gym or too many poor food choices. But this week, I worked out 5 of 7 days and felt like I ate pretty well. So even though my gain was less than I had gained before and only 1 lb, I was extremely disappointed. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, that I get to go again. But man, it was just so tough to have felt like I worked hard with no positive results.

Fortunately, I once again have good friends and although I didn't want to tell them that I had gained again, I also refuse to give in to the lie that it is better to tuck tail and hide than to be honest. Especially with those who simply love me. Thank you dear ones from the bottom of my heart! Your words of your own journey's and the strong reminders of what this journey is all about encouraged me greatly!

So I set out to figure out what was going on. For whatever reason, I have been resisting using the tools available to me to track my food and exercise (calories in/calories out). So I finally signed up for the free website called SparkPeople.com. On Tuesday I began tracking my food and exercise among other things. I am supposed to eat between 1200-1500 calories. By the end of Tuesday I was at 1050 eating things similar to what I have been eating all along. So at the end of the day I threw in some more food to get myself over the 1200. On Wednesday, I realized at dinner time I was over 200 calories short for the day and didn't plan on eating again for the evening, except shoot!!

Needless to say, if I have been eating like this for the last 8 weeks, my body is starving and holding everything it gets. Then there is the whole idea of eating for nutrition component coming up again. It goes against everything in me as a recovering emotional eater to eat when I am NOT hungry, but at this point I have gotten almost too good at maximizing calories in a lot of food!

So in summary, Tuesday I was very very bummed. I even cried! For those who know me....that is a big deal! But as a friend said to me, this journey is about me becoming a wholly healthy person and not just about weight loss and while weight loss is a good measure the condition of my heart is a truer one. Letting people in to my disappointment was a victory in that! Yay God! Feeling my disappointment fully but not letting it consume me, was a victory! Choosing to go again immediately and not let the disappointment hang for a few days was a victory!

Oh and exercise this week is going well!! I walked on Tuesday, was at the gym twice yesterday and am getting ready to go today (Thursday). Much to celebrate this week my friends, much to celebrate!