As I begin to pack things up and the end of my time here draws near, I am getting nervous. Nervous to be heading back to Detroit and nervous about my ability to stay on track. I KNOW this is not Truth that I am feeling but that doesn't make the feelings any less real.
Here is what I have been noticing.
I have begun obsessing on the scale. I have been checking it daily. I know Coach. The body fluctuates from day to day. It is not good to weigh yourself daily. I was and still am disappointed in a 2 LB weight loss for the week. I think it is that realization that has made me really think about all of this stuff. 2lbs in a week is good, I know that. Any loss is good really! But I wanted more, because I leave here in a few weeks, you know.
I was beginning to see myself cut back on calories in the last day or so, knowing full well that that is not the way to do it. Knowing that will just send my body back to a holding pattern. But nevertheless, less calories in makes more logical sense to me than the other way around. So then my next thought is well, if I am not going to cut calories, then I must increase my exercise to burn more calories.
Exercising more means being at the gym more than 2 hours a day. While this may not seem crazy for someone of my size, who wants to lose weight desperately, to do, the motivation is fear more than health. There is a drive in me to lose as much weight as I can before Feb 15th, when I am officially back home with the hopes that the more I have off the easier it will be??? Or sadly, if I can lose another 25 before then, then that is 25 more lbs that I would have to regain if I were to completely fail. 25 LBS is ALOT to lose in one month (unless you are on The Biggest Loser Ranch). It took me 4 months to lose my first 25. In order to cut another 25 in the next month, drastic measures would have to take place.
I don't want to become some person that has eating disorders or crazy ways of managing weight. Maybe I already am that and that is where the struggle is coming in. I do not know for sure. All I know is that I want to be healthy. I want to keep up a healthy balance of diet and exercise now and in Detroit, for this season and for life! I want to be motivated by the feeling of health and energy that rises up in me after a good work out and not the fear that if I don't I won't lose any weight or worse I might gain.
I am writing this blog, just to get the fears out of my head and somewhere else that they won't consume me. I know, that when things are in the light, they cannot control me. It doesn't mean I won't be afraid or nervous or that I won't think about these things ever again. But I am hoping between speaking it out and my team, it won't control me. And as a side note, this isn't how I feel all the time, but it has become more so this week than most.
A.M and M.K, did you have any idea I was this wonked in the head???
One more thing...(I accidentally hit the post button) Slow and Steady wins the race, right??
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13 comments:
Kim...you've got this. You can and will achieve this goal of health. This is going to be an awesome year of achieving goals regardless of where you kick off your running shoes. :) I'm glad that you are addressing the concern about obsessing. I think that keeping our emotional / psychological health in check during this process is extremely important. Blogging about fears and concerns is a healthy exercise -- but if needed don't be afraid look to a Christian counselor for help too. If you can find one that is experienced in dealing with eating disorders that helps too. It is a highly specialized field as we discovered a few years ago when dealing with family member with an ED.
You can do this Kim...you are doing it. I know that you "can do all things through Christ who strengthens you"!!! Keep your eyes on Him. Keep your heart focused on Him. He will guide you and He will bring the balance you desire in your life.
Prayers and blessings...Jen
Just an update! A friend wrote me with a great visual for what is going on. A pendulem, swinging back and forth trying to find my center. For so long I had my center, here. Now I am being knocked around a bit and probably will be more so when the move actually takes place. But the Truth that really is Truth is that Jesus is still my center. My balance. I almost feel silly writing yesterday's blog given how OK I feel today....but I guess that is the way the pendulem swings.
THanks for your words Jennileigh. It is a Christian counselor who has helped me get on this road to health!
Awesome!
Darlin', I love your wonked head. Or your healthy head. Or just you without a head.
=)
I'm glad you're feeling better. It is good to write it out. I have to do that with my own wonked melon. Or, sometimes I have a mini meltdown in a staff meeting. Heh heh.
Either way, you're doing great AND you won't always feel the way you feel. You'll feel better and leap that hurdle.
Love you!
Awww Tail Wagger!!! WHen you comng to town?
I don't know when I'll be in town. Sigh. I want to go there but I also want to go to Vermont to see my cousin. And, I can't do both. Sniff!
My boss said he'd fly me somewhere so I could get some rest. A real vacation. =) Methinks Vermont could be quite restful.
First let me say thanks for checking out my blog. What I have read so far with your , it is so well written and from the heart. You too have come a long ways and have accomplished a lot on this journey. I have the confidence in you that all your great healthy habits you have learned on this journey will carry you forward to when you get to Detroit. Just continue to stay focused and in time you will reach and probably exceed all your goals.
I still haven't gotten to why your moving back to Michigan, God, it's cold there. :-) Before I moved to Las Vegas, cause it is paradise here, I live up in St. Clair, by Port Huron. Left because of the cold, snow and ice.
I know we all have or reasons for doing what we must and I wish you the best on this new endeavor. Like all challenges I am sure you'll face this with all the intensity that you have done with your weight loss. Great job!
Rob, thanks for stopping by. Yes it is cold here as you seem to recall! I currently live in Grand Rapids and LOVE it here, with exception to the weather, my heart is here in all of my relationships. But my family is back in the Detroit area, and well, I have been unemployed now for a year. It is time to go back to where I can live rent free at least for a little while and cut some huge costs.
Thanks for your encouraging words!
Hi Kimmie,
First off I am quite inspired by what you wrote. It takes a lot of guts to be so upfront with what you may or may not be struggling with. I can see going home is really going to be a test.
Can you take all that you learned from the support network in GR and move and grow back home? This is the question. When you have a whole lot of people encouraging you on its easy to keep steady on your mark, but when they are not there shows who you really are.
I will be lifting you up big time in this big week of transition.
I hope you won't be gone for to long. I enjoy reading your blog and seeing the progress you make as well. It is good to be back, but boy was I so close to calling it quits. If it wasn't for the support of all you guys and your encouragement as well; I would have been a goner.
So stay strong and I am sure that you'll do great in this transition.
Look forward to continuing this journey that we are on.
So I see some of the movers have come. Will you be on your way soon? Good job with staying withing your points with those "Kettle Chips" That shows some great will power and determination. It also shows that you have learned well on this journey and I am sure you'll continue to make greater strides once you have moved.
You rock Kim
Thanks Jason! I rock on a crazy blog? Hmmm...I am jsut gonna receive it. Yes I do rock doggone it!!! HAHA
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