No one ever writes the honest questions of their hearts to God. If we really voiced our questions, someone might think we are being blasphemous or anti-God. But I have hard questions. Questions that I don't think I will get sufficient answers to this side of Heaven.
I feel like I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. I am not married, so I can only imagine how this would feel. The wind is knocked out of me, and it is hard to take in air. The room is spinning and I wonder if it will ever stop. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed. And Angry. I don't know how I will ever trust again. My eyes burn and are tired of tears. Will they ever stop?
And there are no answers, because it is two truths that my heart is fighting. Two truths of God. 1. All who come to Him and repent and turn from their wicked ways, will be saved. God will cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. Forgiveness. The chance to be His child.
2. Woe to the man who harms a little child. It would be better for this man to have a stone tied around his neck and be tossed into the sea, than to experience God's wrath.
How can God fulfill both of these things? How can He pursue my heart so fervently and pursue my abusers heart just as fervently? I have taken great comfort over the years that God would take care of this man. But now I am not so sure. This man can simply repent and be saved from that. Jesus will then defend him on Judgement day. How can He defend both of us at the same time? How can I trust God in this? How can my Father become best friends with the man who betrayed my trust so fully and then expect me to dine with him?
And at the same time, my heart breaks that I can't trust this God of mine. I can't trust Him and I can't deny Him either. I can't just turn my back and walk away forever. And I can't bring myself to ask Him to choose either. How can I ask Him to break one of His promises? It is the very graciousness of God that brought me to Him that I am hating now. How can I fault Him for being exactly who He has always said He would be, even with my enemies?
When my heart has been broken in the past, I would so easily go to Him for comfort, for healing. But how do I take my heart to the very one I feel broke it and ask Him to fix it? How do I trust Him to not break it more? My heart is destroyed. I love Him so much, and no matter how hard I try I can't harden myself against the pain or against Him. I can't not cry out to Him. Yet, I can't trust Him either. I can't analyze this. I can't put it in a box and make it pretty. I can't figure out how to "do" grief or pain. I have no answers.
My one comfort in all of this, is I am not alone. I have never felt His presence so close to me as right now. I have never wanted it more. To want so desperately and to not want equally so. It feels like there are 2 sides of me pulling on my heart from both sides at the same time. I feel like He is just sitting nearby waiting for me to get all of this out. Fulfilling His promise to never leave me or forsake me. How can I NOT trust this Jesus? How DO I trust this Jesus of mine?
Showing posts with label weeping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weeping. Show all posts
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Who Am I?
When I feel like giving up. When I feel like I cannot do another thing. When I feel like I don't have what it takes. When I feel like my world is spinning out of control and all that I know to be true is being shaken to the core. When I feel like my faith has been devastated and I cannot trust anything. I remember. I remember the times I have been clear God has spoken to me. I remember the feeling of complete security I had in His words. Today is such a day and I am working hard at remembering. Here is my story of who God says I am.
I was participating in an exercise. But it didn't feel like an exercise. In my mind's eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn't imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn't matter to Him?
I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn't fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn't understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.
Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!" I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn't think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. "Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?" I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.
Again, immediately, I heard this response. "I call you enough." So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.
It was enough. I didn't know one could cry so hard. I didn't know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks...and I knew it was true. No matter what...I am enough for Him.
Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. "Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough".
I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.
I was participating in an exercise. But it didn't feel like an exercise. In my mind's eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn't imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn't matter to Him?
I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn't fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn't understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.
Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!" I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn't think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. "Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?" I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.
Again, immediately, I heard this response. "I call you enough." So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.
It was enough. I didn't know one could cry so hard. I didn't know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks...and I knew it was true. No matter what...I am enough for Him.
Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. "Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough".
I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.
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