No one ever writes the honest questions of their hearts to God. If we really voiced our questions, someone might think we are being blasphemous or anti-God. But I have hard questions. Questions that I don't think I will get sufficient answers to this side of Heaven.
I feel like I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. I am not married, so I can only imagine how this would feel. The wind is knocked out of me, and it is hard to take in air. The room is spinning and I wonder if it will ever stop. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed. And Angry. I don't know how I will ever trust again. My eyes burn and are tired of tears. Will they ever stop?
And there are no answers, because it is two truths that my heart is fighting. Two truths of God. 1. All who come to Him and repent and turn from their wicked ways, will be saved. God will cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. Forgiveness. The chance to be His child.
2. Woe to the man who harms a little child. It would be better for this man to have a stone tied around his neck and be tossed into the sea, than to experience God's wrath.
How can God fulfill both of these things? How can He pursue my heart so fervently and pursue my abusers heart just as fervently? I have taken great comfort over the years that God would take care of this man. But now I am not so sure. This man can simply repent and be saved from that. Jesus will then defend him on Judgement day. How can He defend both of us at the same time? How can I trust God in this? How can my Father become best friends with the man who betrayed my trust so fully and then expect me to dine with him?
And at the same time, my heart breaks that I can't trust this God of mine. I can't trust Him and I can't deny Him either. I can't just turn my back and walk away forever. And I can't bring myself to ask Him to choose either. How can I ask Him to break one of His promises? It is the very graciousness of God that brought me to Him that I am hating now. How can I fault Him for being exactly who He has always said He would be, even with my enemies?
When my heart has been broken in the past, I would so easily go to Him for comfort, for healing. But how do I take my heart to the very one I feel broke it and ask Him to fix it? How do I trust Him to not break it more? My heart is destroyed. I love Him so much, and no matter how hard I try I can't harden myself against the pain or against Him. I can't not cry out to Him. Yet, I can't trust Him either. I can't analyze this. I can't put it in a box and make it pretty. I can't figure out how to "do" grief or pain. I have no answers.
My one comfort in all of this, is I am not alone. I have never felt His presence so close to me as right now. I have never wanted it more. To want so desperately and to not want equally so. It feels like there are 2 sides of me pulling on my heart from both sides at the same time. I feel like He is just sitting nearby waiting for me to get all of this out. Fulfilling His promise to never leave me or forsake me. How can I NOT trust this Jesus? How DO I trust this Jesus of mine?
About Me
- Kim
- "Weight is one measure of progress, but your heart is a truer one." AM ............................"it is because you have been freed that you are now free to order your body in a way that reflects your freedom." Coach
Still on my way!
4 comments:
Dang Kim, that's a good question that I bet a lot of abused Christians face. How can your loving defender become his loving defender. That is something hard to fathom.
Kim, I didn't have an abuser, but I did have a bully in my life and it was extremely painful. This person is now an outspoken follower of God and it's hard to face this at times when I have memories that no matter the healing and forgiving still remain as a part not the whole of why I am here as I am. I have been reading through some of your blog tonight and I just want to say that I think it is amazing and profound and exciting what you are doing. I can't wait to keep seeing your truth and abundance in yourself in this journey.
As someone who has survived spousal infidelity, I can tell you that while it was painful, what you are describing here is even more difficult. And incredibly profound. And how much more painful to feel betrayed by your beloved who is also your Creator. This post was very moving, thank you for your realness.
Torey, Wow I didn't know you read my blog. Few people that I know personally read it because I have told only a handful about it. So it is always surprising when someone I know comments! Little bit more vulnerable to share this kind of stuff with people you know. BUt oh so good too, to be known. THanks for reading! I thank GOd every day for Retelling at Mars Hill. and I would encourage you to not minimize what your bully was. A bully is just another form of abuser and requires just as much healing as I do from my own story.
Angie, thanks for continuing to read. I am so sorry that you had to experience such betrayal. It is incredibly painful to walk through, and yet God's grace is ever abundant in my life.
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