The Pain of Transformation

I have been home...in Detroit...for about a month now and I have already had 1 trip back to my beloved GR, which turned out to be a desperately needed reprieve. It wasn't until I crossed into Kent County that I realized how incredibly stressed out I had been when suddenly I felt lighter and more peaceful and ready to keep going again. I stayed as long as I could just breathing in the West Michigan air until the realities of Detroit called me back.

Ultimately the reality is this. I AM living in Detroit. I will probably always want to be somewhere else, but for now, that would be plain old fantasy land! In GR, I have a place filled with relationships created based on what I wanted and needed, not on history or old beliefs. I didn't have 32 years of history and habits and actions/reactions to family. I didn't have as many negative automatic triggers that send me spiraling. More specifically, I didn't have temptations around in relative abundance. If I wanted chips or chocolate in GR, it had to be very intentional. I had to actually go to the store for it because it wasn't kept in the house. There was no "mindless eating".

Where am I going with this? I did have a point when I started this...really I did. Oh yes! This process of losing 200 + lbs is transformative. Life changing. There is NO WAY someone can lose that much weight and not be completely changed. In GR, this transformation process was easier, simply because of how my life was set up, who I had in my life, and how they stood with me on a daily basis. By no means was it easy...but it was easier. Now though is where the rubber meets the road. Now is where the transformation process gets painful. Now I get to really decide each day whether I am going to stick with this or am I going to cave because it is easier. I have to choose not between 2 healthy choices set before me, but rather...my healthy choice vs my old favorite food from childhood...like fried chicken or creamed chicken or fried pork chops. Now my choice for a different kind of life, a different way of relating to food, a different way of looking at fitness and health and exercise...now is when it gets real.

Transformation is hard my friends. Especially when transformation means becoming something completely different than you once were. Think caterpillar to butterfly. It takes energy, resolve, commitment, honesty, accountability, determination, perseverance...and it takes a vision. I have been to several leadership/character development workshops. At one, they talked about having a vision that will call you through the pain of transformation. (ahhh yes, I knew I had a point or two to this ramble!)

SO this week I have been thinking about MY vision. The one that is big enough in me that will pull me through the hard times, the tough choices, and hard conversations...to the new me. Is my vision just about wearing that cute yellow dress I talked about? OR the vision of me sky diving? When I think of the big picture, while those things are fun to think about and dream about...it is pretty doggone small...especially when pitted against a choice to go run in the remains of a cold Michigan winter.

I am not completely clear on what my vision fully encompasses. But here is what I do know. It is about choosing life. Scripture talks about a choice being set before us for life or death. We are urged to choose life, that we might live. I choose life! It is also about what kind of life I want to live. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to feel like a physical activity is not impossible for me. I want to feel confident and sexy. I want to be attracted to a guy and feel like I actually have a shot because my weight is not in the way. I want to get married....SOON! I want to feel attractive to my husband and not have my weight interfere in any part of our relationship, not emotionally, psychologically, or physically. I want a great sex life! HA! I said it! I don't want something mediocre in that! I want to have children. I want to be able to keep up with my children and not feel exhausted by them. I want to inspire and encourage others, not just to lose weight, but to be the best they can be...and part of me feels like how can I do that, if I am not being the best I can be? There is no ONE thing that I want that is big enough to pull me through the painful times....but there are a lot of pretty amazing things that added up...make a difference in my choices....These are the things I need to think on when my choice is grilled or fried chicken and regardless of what I choose, fried chicken will still be served....to someone in my house!

While I will not do this perfectly and there will be times that I succumb to the temptations and decide the fried whatever is better than my vision, I am hopeful. (Feel free to remind me of what I am about to say later, because I am sure I will at some point start whining about how hard it is and how I don't want to keep going.) I am hopeful in this moment, that I really am being transformed. I really am becoming someone different as i keep going in this...and hopefully for the better. Transformation is not easy or pain free. It is the very pain in the process that can actually be a basis for hope of lasting change. The kind that brings new life. A kind of life worth living and not just surviving! Vision is what makes this time different...for me.

SO what about you? What is your vision? Why are you working to lose weight or change some other thing about yourself? Is it big enough, powerful enough to get you through the tough times?

Quick Update, cuz I am TIRED!

I arrived in my beloved GR Thursday night. It has done my heart good to be here. I had no idea how much I needed to come for a visit and am so very glad I am here. I would like to say that I love this place simply for the people I love dearly here, but it isn't just that. Driving down the familiar roads and I just feel at home. Like this place is mine. I feel more alive here than anywhere else. IT is weird. The minute I crossed in to Kent County Thursday night I just felt better, more at peace, more in control, more at home.

Yesterday, I went for a run along a trail system we have here called Kent Trails. I have never been on these paths before since I wasn't exercising outside...in PUBLIC (GASP!) But since I am so over that, I went out. I initially thought I would run out 1 mile then back for a 2 mile run. But as I hit the 1 mile mark, I thought...you know I feel good, I can do another. During that first mile, I ran almost the whole way! I was so excited. I have never run so far. Is it common to build up so quickly? Or am I pushing myself to hard? The 2nd mile, I also ran almost the whole thing...and when I got to the next marker I looked at my pedometer and it said I had already gone 2.73 miles. WHAT??? But I thought it was 1 mile between street crossings! Guess not! So I turned around....and ran back....I did a bit more walking this time. Since I have NEVER run more than 2 miles, I had already exceeded that by a lot and with my actual running time being far more than ever before. My hips were getting tight and I could feel my right knee getting tight too. I ran about half of the way back in shorter intervals. Total mileage? 5.54 miles! WooHooo!!! So proud! I need to stop doing so well,lest this become the normal expectation! What if I don't feel like running 5 tomorrow? But because I know I can....I will have to...cuz I can't not do what I know I can....right?

Today, I did the final filming for my audition video. I needed a shirt that said that"I am kind of a big deal" because if you saw the equipment these guys brought in , you might have thought that a serious movie was taking place. I mean there was a dolly that the camera sat on with a camera guy manning it while someone else pulled or pushed it next to me while I ran. It was ridiculous overkill...but OH SO FUN! Even if I am not picked, I am gonna have one sweet video of myself! By the time we were done on the track and the treadmill I had run or walked over 4 miles. And on the treadmill, I pushed it to 7! Yeah I'll do anything for a camera!! :-) We moved on to the spin room where we got some extra special footage with Coach and Adam riding next to me! Not as much fun in here, but the footage will be worth it! I hope...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy...I trust my video guy! We ended the day in the pool where I learned my video guy thinks I don;t clown around. He doesn't know me very well. He has only known me under these circumstances where I am not in my most comfortable state! Ahhh for him to get to know me under normal circumstances! Needless to say I started clowning around a little in the water...flipping, doing handstands, and the like.

All in all, I am not allowed to see the footage. He is afraid I will eliminate possibilities if I see the footage in its raw state. Sooo I wait while he puts something together for my approval. I trust my video guy....I trust my video guy...I trust my....

Good night.....I started all that at 1 PM....I got done about 6:30 PM...I am tired!

8 weeks and some perspective!

I have been on this journey (AGAIN!) since the premiere of Season 6 of TBL, which was in Sept 2008. It started out rough. I didn't count my calories. I was too arrogant to think I needed to. I thought I could just estimate and I would be fine. My gym schedule was, well it wasn't a schedule at all. I went if I felt like it, but that wasn't very often. Prior to September, I spent a lot of time at the gym swimming, but I had a race coming up, so I HAD to be there. Once the race ended, so did the frequency of my gym attendance. I probably started September going once a week and twice if it was a really good week.

Over time though I began to see the need for more exercise and I began to go 3 times a week. But my losses seemed to be down one week, up or holding steady the next. It was never consistent. At some point, I was encouraged to write down what I eat. I resisted this again for a time and finally did it...for one week. I think I lost 6 lbs that week! Huh!

I began to see the value in logging what I ate and by December I had begun to do this consistently. Amazingly, when I am aware of what I am eating, it somehow provides motivation for the gym too, because my gym attendance increased dramatically. I was now there 6 days a week, 2 hours a day, and was giving up time with friends to be there! It helped that I had some friends willing to go with me when I didn't want to go and even willing to kick my butt all the way there! However, throughout all of December, I lost NOTHING!!

I made some changes, one being increasing my calories.

OK, so that was just a little history for those of you new to my blog. You can get more details if you read back but that is a brief snapshot.

It has been 8 weeks since I have increased my calorie intake from 1200 to 1800 a day. During those 8 weeks I have:

1. Lost weight EVERY SINGLE WEEK! for a total of 19 lbs. That is an average of 2.375/week which is right in line with the recommended, healthy weight loss goals. For a woman it is 2-3 Lbs a week. HA! I am normal after all! (No comments from the peanut gallery, aka people who know me in real life and not just blogland)

2. In January I began running sprints on the treadmill. 30 seconds.

3. By the end of January, I was running 1 minute sprints on the treadmill.

4. I was now spinning twice a week and on a couple occasions was able to do 2 back to back spin classes. I even once did 4 spin classes in 1 week!

5. By the time I left GR and moved to Detroit, I had ventured on to the track, with Coach and Adam and could run 1/7 of a mile without stopping (1 lap). Of course it was much harder if one of those guys was with me, cuz dang they run just a hair faster than I want to and DAG NABBIT if I am NOT gonna keep up.

6. In addition to all this, I was still doing my 2x a week Pilate's classes and 2x a week aerobics/strength classes.

7. Last night, I ran the farthest I have run yet in one stretch. I ran .35 of a mile and for 5 minutes straight! So what if it was only at 4 mph...I did it!!

If I hold true to this pattern, within 3 weeks I will have hit the 50 lb loss mark and am only 13 lbs away from being out of the 300's. These ideas make me want to work harder and faster! 50 LBS!!! that is 1/4 of the way to my ultimate goal!!!

All this to say...alot can happen in 8 weeks, especially if we are diligent in challenging ourselves to greater heights and greater distances. 19 lbs. Yes, alot can happen in 8 weeks.

What will the next 8 bring?

Just one last side note. Since September, I have lost 43 lbs, in 5 months. That is an average of 8 lbs a month and 2.15 lbs/wk. Once again proving I am NORMAL! From week to week, it is easy to get discouraged, when you see a gain or a 0 on the scale.....but taking a step back and looking at this big picture....wow, it sure puts it in perspective!

ok, one more side note: I can no longer wear the bathing suits I wore last year. They are so stinking loose on me that it has become more indecent than not, particularly in the area of "the girls". So, I have dug out a swimsuit from the "last time" I lost weight and put it on last night! It fit! Definitely made me feel better about my disappearing girls because in this thing, well HOT diggity dog! I hope to be out of this one by the time I swim my 1000 meters which might be in July!

OK I am done now for real!

Why I felt great here!

I have been following this guy Jason's blog for the last couple months because, well, he is amazing. He has lost 130 LBS and now runs ultra marathon's and yet he still battles daily with food. He is an inspiration of what is possible for me if I stick to what I say I want! So he is having a fun little contest on his blog that is all about finding a photo that you think you look great in, regardless of size or looks and then telling him(you, my readers) why I felt great in that photo.

Well I have a couple photos.

One is of me, coming out of the water after swimming 500 meters in the Triathlon Relay I did last Labor Day. While in general, I do not like bathing suit photos, I love this one because I am doing something athletic, despite my size, with my friends and having a blast. (That is my friend Todd who came to cheer me out of the water after his swim.)I set out to do something that seemed impossible, I learned how to swim, and trained to be able to go the distance and I finished! In 2009, I will be swimming 1000 meters and perhaps in 2010, I will either do the whole thing or do 2 legs of it!

This one is me and my brother when I was about 4 1/2 years old. I have found a few old photos of me as a kid and I love this one for 2 reasons. 1. It is me and my brother appearing to be getting along. Growing up I don't recall many times of getting along with him so it is neat to see us looking like we liked each other back then:-) Secondly, this photo was most likely taken, pre-abuse, and therefore pre-weight gain.

The last one is me running with Coach. I know, I posted this photo a few blog posts back and yes, it is a posed picture taken to show a friend, but regardless of whether this particular moment is posed or not, I can run. I am running. Another thing I never thought I would be able to do, let alone enjoy doing, on some level.