This morning I got up and joined a friend at her YMCA to try a class out called "the Last Chance Workout". Just the name of it invokes fear and apprehension and yet I was somewhat excited to try it and see how far I could go. Well, anything cardio I could mostly keep up with...for at least the first 20 minutes of it anyway. Then she had us do this thing. I don't know what it is called so I will describe it to you. First you get into push up position. Regular push ups, not girl push up position, but you have towels under your toes. Then, you begin to walk your hands forward, dragging your body behind you, all the while staying up in push up position. Then you turn yourself around, without getting out of position and walk back. At that point, you stop, remain in position and bring one knee up to your chest (oh but stay in position) and back again repeatedly, then you switch legs and start again. Oh an d don't forget to breathe and hold your core tight, and umm stay in position.
Let's just say I could NOT do this. I mean I am getting stronger and all, believe me I am, but carrying 300+ lbs around on just my arms is a bit much...dontcha think? So I did some Pilate's push ups instead while everyone else dragged themselves around. Little did I know the next thing was push ups off the step....
Later in the class she had us put 4 risers under our step then do a two footed jump up. I have often thought that looked pretty simple while watching it on The Biggest Loser and wondered what the big deal was. Why is there so much fear involved in jumping up? I didn't get it. I mean I could get jumping down ( I don't like to jump off things) but jumping up? Really? OK. I get it. It is hard and it is scary. First off, it is 12-14 inches up. But beyond that, what if I fall? Now that would look silly and be horrifyingly embarrassing. What if I miss and trip over the step? What if....? What if...? Yeah What if. So what. I tried it. I couldn't jump that high with both feet landing at the same time. I did the best I could. But once again, I will not judge TBL contestants until I have jumped where they have jumped.
On another note, I have a special project I am working on tomorrow and I am a tad nervous to say the least. I have been in the kitchen far more frequently than necessary last night and today and it is only 1 PM and I was gone for 3 hours this morning. I even bought a can of pringles. That is when I realized what was going on..."uh-oh, put the can down, count how many you ate (or think you ate) then add 10 more...then count the calories..." So calories are counted, and now I am much more aware of what is going on...nerves are driving my eating today far more than hunger or my plan.... HA! Satan thinks he is wily to sneak old habits in on me!! Back to my plan...back to my plan...and just for those chips, I will be back at the gym tonight sometime!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A different perspective
I was reading a blog this week by a guy who has lost 130 lbs in 1 year. His story is incredible and following his continued journey has been awesome. He posted this blog. It is amazing how as a skinny person he is able to capture my thoughts so clearly about what I think others are thinking as I workout at the gym. I often don't look fellow gym rats in the eyes as I enter or exit the gym. I don't work out WITH people and I don't talk to people while actually working out. If someone I know does talk to me, I stop what I am doing and talk.
The other cool thing about this blog is that he puts his real perspective on it. What he really thinks as a fit guy running a trail and seeing a new person or a fat person running as well. He is genuinely excited for them and hopes that we fat people see that in his eyes as he watches them and not the judgement that we expect.
All this to say, this world is not as horrible as we think it is. Most people probably don't think what we think they are thinking. More people would probably encourage me on my way, if only I would let them in. And really, how many of those "fit" people I see at the gym are actually former fatties themselves just working hard to keep it off?
So with that, I am gonna continue to Run as though no one is watching, and perhaps...just maybe...you might get some eye contact from me as I run...
The other cool thing about this blog is that he puts his real perspective on it. What he really thinks as a fit guy running a trail and seeing a new person or a fat person running as well. He is genuinely excited for them and hopes that we fat people see that in his eyes as he watches them and not the judgement that we expect.
All this to say, this world is not as horrible as we think it is. Most people probably don't think what we think they are thinking. More people would probably encourage me on my way, if only I would let them in. And really, how many of those "fit" people I see at the gym are actually former fatties themselves just working hard to keep it off?
So with that, I am gonna continue to Run as though no one is watching, and perhaps...just maybe...you might get some eye contact from me as I run...
Not so Wonky anymore!
It has been almost a week since I last blogged and all you poor readers must think that I have been living all wonked out in the head all week long. I tell you, my craziness bounces around from day to day. One day I am really struggling and the next I am fine.
Last weeks wonkiness is over, at least for now. I stopped weighing myself daily as that was part of the problem. I worked hard at eating my calories for the day, of course I didn't always meet it but I am working on a system to guarantee no failure in this department! It is called pre-planning! No more of this, "Oh crap! it is midnight and I am 400 calories short!" I am still pushing for 2 hours a day/6 days a week for working out, but I refuse to feel guilty for not being there on my day off.
As for my move...On Tuesday night I had a few men come over and help load my truck! They were amazing! Then on Wednesday, I drove my stuff to my new home in Detroit! For the most part, and on most days, I feel good about this move and I feel very strong about my ability to succeed even there. In my current home, I buy all my groceries so I have complete control of what comes into the house and what does not. I have a great system in place for splurging on "bad stuff". I eat my serving then give the rest to my men friends! Here is the reality I saw while at my new home, with my mom yesterday! On top of the fridge were 3 bags of chips, a big tub of candy, particularly chocolate, ice cream in the freezer and cereal that is in NO WAY healthy whatsoever, I don't care if it says whole grain on it. Fortunately, there were no Slim Jim's around this time, but they are often there. This is all stuff I grew up on. All things I love. In addition to the bad snack stuff, I also grew up on all things fried. Fried chicken, pork chops, fish. If it could be fried, it was. So this will be a challenge to say the least! But despite that fresh reminder of the kinds of temptations I will be facing, I still feel strong and ready. Despite my feelings today, be aware my core team....you might be getting some extra text messages and phone calls! I might need you more than ever before!!
What I am looking forward to in Detroit:
*Finding an amazing church that I can call home and get involved in
*Creating the kind of relationships there that I have here, but never did while there the last time because I just wanted to be here!
*Spending loads of time wrestling with my 8 nieces and nephews and WINNING
*Finding new workout buddies (Sorry Adam, Mike and the occasional Aaron, you will NEED to be replaced on this front)
*Spending time with "my girls" Jen, Clacker and Wizi, I miss you!!
*Spending time with my brothers, especially Ken.
*a JOB??? Perhaps a job will actually be in my future!! I hope so!
I am sure there are more things, but those are the highlights. For now, I remain in GR for the next 2 weeks, saying my goodbyes, and trying not to die from the cats in the house that I will be house sitting for.
Oh by the way, I lost 3 LBS this week! Yahoo!!
Last weeks wonkiness is over, at least for now. I stopped weighing myself daily as that was part of the problem. I worked hard at eating my calories for the day, of course I didn't always meet it but I am working on a system to guarantee no failure in this department! It is called pre-planning! No more of this, "Oh crap! it is midnight and I am 400 calories short!" I am still pushing for 2 hours a day/6 days a week for working out, but I refuse to feel guilty for not being there on my day off.
As for my move...On Tuesday night I had a few men come over and help load my truck! They were amazing! Then on Wednesday, I drove my stuff to my new home in Detroit! For the most part, and on most days, I feel good about this move and I feel very strong about my ability to succeed even there. In my current home, I buy all my groceries so I have complete control of what comes into the house and what does not. I have a great system in place for splurging on "bad stuff". I eat my serving then give the rest to my men friends! Here is the reality I saw while at my new home, with my mom yesterday! On top of the fridge were 3 bags of chips, a big tub of candy, particularly chocolate, ice cream in the freezer and cereal that is in NO WAY healthy whatsoever, I don't care if it says whole grain on it. Fortunately, there were no Slim Jim's around this time, but they are often there. This is all stuff I grew up on. All things I love. In addition to the bad snack stuff, I also grew up on all things fried. Fried chicken, pork chops, fish. If it could be fried, it was. So this will be a challenge to say the least! But despite that fresh reminder of the kinds of temptations I will be facing, I still feel strong and ready. Despite my feelings today, be aware my core team....you might be getting some extra text messages and phone calls! I might need you more than ever before!!
What I am looking forward to in Detroit:
*Finding an amazing church that I can call home and get involved in
*Creating the kind of relationships there that I have here, but never did while there the last time because I just wanted to be here!
*Spending loads of time wrestling with my 8 nieces and nephews and WINNING
*Finding new workout buddies (Sorry Adam, Mike and the occasional Aaron, you will NEED to be replaced on this front)
*Spending time with "my girls" Jen, Clacker and Wizi, I miss you!!
*Spending time with my brothers, especially Ken.
*a JOB??? Perhaps a job will actually be in my future!! I hope so!
I am sure there are more things, but those are the highlights. For now, I remain in GR for the next 2 weeks, saying my goodbyes, and trying not to die from the cats in the house that I will be house sitting for.
Oh by the way, I lost 3 LBS this week! Yahoo!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Wonked in the Head!
As I begin to pack things up and the end of my time here draws near, I am getting nervous. Nervous to be heading back to Detroit and nervous about my ability to stay on track. I KNOW this is not Truth that I am feeling but that doesn't make the feelings any less real.
Here is what I have been noticing.
I have begun obsessing on the scale. I have been checking it daily. I know Coach. The body fluctuates from day to day. It is not good to weigh yourself daily. I was and still am disappointed in a 2 LB weight loss for the week. I think it is that realization that has made me really think about all of this stuff. 2lbs in a week is good, I know that. Any loss is good really! But I wanted more, because I leave here in a few weeks, you know.
I was beginning to see myself cut back on calories in the last day or so, knowing full well that that is not the way to do it. Knowing that will just send my body back to a holding pattern. But nevertheless, less calories in makes more logical sense to me than the other way around. So then my next thought is well, if I am not going to cut calories, then I must increase my exercise to burn more calories.
Exercising more means being at the gym more than 2 hours a day. While this may not seem crazy for someone of my size, who wants to lose weight desperately, to do, the motivation is fear more than health. There is a drive in me to lose as much weight as I can before Feb 15th, when I am officially back home with the hopes that the more I have off the easier it will be??? Or sadly, if I can lose another 25 before then, then that is 25 more lbs that I would have to regain if I were to completely fail. 25 LBS is ALOT to lose in one month (unless you are on The Biggest Loser Ranch). It took me 4 months to lose my first 25. In order to cut another 25 in the next month, drastic measures would have to take place.
I don't want to become some person that has eating disorders or crazy ways of managing weight. Maybe I already am that and that is where the struggle is coming in. I do not know for sure. All I know is that I want to be healthy. I want to keep up a healthy balance of diet and exercise now and in Detroit, for this season and for life! I want to be motivated by the feeling of health and energy that rises up in me after a good work out and not the fear that if I don't I won't lose any weight or worse I might gain.
I am writing this blog, just to get the fears out of my head and somewhere else that they won't consume me. I know, that when things are in the light, they cannot control me. It doesn't mean I won't be afraid or nervous or that I won't think about these things ever again. But I am hoping between speaking it out and my team, it won't control me. And as a side note, this isn't how I feel all the time, but it has become more so this week than most.
A.M and M.K, did you have any idea I was this wonked in the head???
One more thing...(I accidentally hit the post button) Slow and Steady wins the race, right??
Here is what I have been noticing.
I have begun obsessing on the scale. I have been checking it daily. I know Coach. The body fluctuates from day to day. It is not good to weigh yourself daily. I was and still am disappointed in a 2 LB weight loss for the week. I think it is that realization that has made me really think about all of this stuff. 2lbs in a week is good, I know that. Any loss is good really! But I wanted more, because I leave here in a few weeks, you know.
I was beginning to see myself cut back on calories in the last day or so, knowing full well that that is not the way to do it. Knowing that will just send my body back to a holding pattern. But nevertheless, less calories in makes more logical sense to me than the other way around. So then my next thought is well, if I am not going to cut calories, then I must increase my exercise to burn more calories.
Exercising more means being at the gym more than 2 hours a day. While this may not seem crazy for someone of my size, who wants to lose weight desperately, to do, the motivation is fear more than health. There is a drive in me to lose as much weight as I can before Feb 15th, when I am officially back home with the hopes that the more I have off the easier it will be??? Or sadly, if I can lose another 25 before then, then that is 25 more lbs that I would have to regain if I were to completely fail. 25 LBS is ALOT to lose in one month (unless you are on The Biggest Loser Ranch). It took me 4 months to lose my first 25. In order to cut another 25 in the next month, drastic measures would have to take place.
I don't want to become some person that has eating disorders or crazy ways of managing weight. Maybe I already am that and that is where the struggle is coming in. I do not know for sure. All I know is that I want to be healthy. I want to keep up a healthy balance of diet and exercise now and in Detroit, for this season and for life! I want to be motivated by the feeling of health and energy that rises up in me after a good work out and not the fear that if I don't I won't lose any weight or worse I might gain.
I am writing this blog, just to get the fears out of my head and somewhere else that they won't consume me. I know, that when things are in the light, they cannot control me. It doesn't mean I won't be afraid or nervous or that I won't think about these things ever again. But I am hoping between speaking it out and my team, it won't control me. And as a side note, this isn't how I feel all the time, but it has become more so this week than most.
A.M and M.K, did you have any idea I was this wonked in the head???
One more thing...(I accidentally hit the post button) Slow and Steady wins the race, right??
Sunday, January 18, 2009
This past week...
This past week has been a full one, at least as far as the spectrum that my emotions have run.
At least 4 days this week, I seriously had no motivation to get to the gym. I only succumbed to one day though, so that is a victory! Then on my scheduled day off, I struggled with feelings of guilt that I was not at the gym. Crazy thoughts I know. (Note to self: Be careful that you don't swing to the opposite extreme of food obsession to exercise obsession. While it is good to exercise and work towards health, irrational feelings of guilt are not the direction I want to take exercise, jsu tleads to more disordered thinking instead of a wholly healthy me!)
I have had some fear and anxiety this week as the reality of moving home began to hit as I gathered boxes and at least began the mental/planning process of packing up my life. It seems that for many moments this week, the "peace" I had last week was gone. Doubts about my ability to keep this up came in again, especially as I struggled with motivation to go to the gym. Ultimately, I know I can and will keep it up. I know I am much stronger than ever before. I know I have what it takes. And I know I am not alone in this. The fear and anxiety are just feelings and they are temporal.
Then there is the time I spent with friends this week. Sitting at Founder's or travelling to the Piston's game, I am just noticing what I am going to miss. The easy comfort of conversation that covers everything from teasing to comfortable silence. From encouragement to the deep thoughts and purposes of life. The huge amounts of laughter at and with each other. Even as I type this though, one might think it is all depressing thinking of all that I will miss. While it is sad and I WILL miss this with these people terribly, I am somewhat excited to create something new with new people and in a new place.
The one question I have been getting all week long as the circle expands to who now knows I am leaving is, "Are you coming back?" and "How long is this for?"
I am trying not to dwell on those answers too much. My heart instantly goes to "of course I am coming back and as quickly as possible!" But that heart perspective is not going to be very helpful as I try to create something new in Detroit. People I meet and current friends and family will know my heart is not truly with them, if I am continuously focused on being back in West Michigan. So while I would love to be back, I don't know those answers. I don't know what God has for me. I don't know where He will send me next. But I do know, after driving around Detroit yesterday, that it doesn't feel like home yet. I felt like a visitor in the place I grew up. But that is just for now. Soon, I will make it my home again. Then I will have 2 homes and perhaps the best of both worlds! And it is this thought that helps the fear go away and that eases the anxiety.
On a final note and a completely different subject ( so I don't do a 3rd blog in one day!). Last week while watching TBL, Bob lost it on a girl who didn't seem to be trying. His request (ok demand) seemed simple enough. Run for 30 seconds at 6.5 on the treadmill. I have been running 30 second sprints like these at 4.5 for the last couple of weeks and thought, "good grief girl, just stay on the treadmill for a flipping 30 seconds and you will be done!" I was pretty harsh in my judgement of her and while she may not have been pushing herself as hard as she could, I decided to see just how hard 6.5 for 30 seconds really is. I went Wednesday after spin class for my 1st attempt. I don't know what I was thinking! I had no legs left! I could barely do my 4.5 sprints. What was I thinking trying to jump to 6.5!!! Thank God Coach Mike was there to speak some sense in to me. I went back Friday for attempt #2. I DID IT! One time. I am done with that for now. I will never judge a contestant so harshly again, at least not until I have run 30 seconds in their shoes. In reality, I could feel the impact on my feet. Jumping from 4.5 to 6.5 is probably not the best idea from an "I don't wanna get injured" perspective. So I am now safely tucked in at a 5.0 speed and will work on doing longer sprints for a while instead of speed.
At least 4 days this week, I seriously had no motivation to get to the gym. I only succumbed to one day though, so that is a victory! Then on my scheduled day off, I struggled with feelings of guilt that I was not at the gym. Crazy thoughts I know. (Note to self: Be careful that you don't swing to the opposite extreme of food obsession to exercise obsession. While it is good to exercise and work towards health, irrational feelings of guilt are not the direction I want to take exercise, jsu tleads to more disordered thinking instead of a wholly healthy me!)
I have had some fear and anxiety this week as the reality of moving home began to hit as I gathered boxes and at least began the mental/planning process of packing up my life. It seems that for many moments this week, the "peace" I had last week was gone. Doubts about my ability to keep this up came in again, especially as I struggled with motivation to go to the gym. Ultimately, I know I can and will keep it up. I know I am much stronger than ever before. I know I have what it takes. And I know I am not alone in this. The fear and anxiety are just feelings and they are temporal.
Then there is the time I spent with friends this week. Sitting at Founder's or travelling to the Piston's game, I am just noticing what I am going to miss. The easy comfort of conversation that covers everything from teasing to comfortable silence. From encouragement to the deep thoughts and purposes of life. The huge amounts of laughter at and with each other. Even as I type this though, one might think it is all depressing thinking of all that I will miss. While it is sad and I WILL miss this with these people terribly, I am somewhat excited to create something new with new people and in a new place.
The one question I have been getting all week long as the circle expands to who now knows I am leaving is, "Are you coming back?" and "How long is this for?"
I am trying not to dwell on those answers too much. My heart instantly goes to "of course I am coming back and as quickly as possible!" But that heart perspective is not going to be very helpful as I try to create something new in Detroit. People I meet and current friends and family will know my heart is not truly with them, if I am continuously focused on being back in West Michigan. So while I would love to be back, I don't know those answers. I don't know what God has for me. I don't know where He will send me next. But I do know, after driving around Detroit yesterday, that it doesn't feel like home yet. I felt like a visitor in the place I grew up. But that is just for now. Soon, I will make it my home again. Then I will have 2 homes and perhaps the best of both worlds! And it is this thought that helps the fear go away and that eases the anxiety.
On a final note and a completely different subject ( so I don't do a 3rd blog in one day!). Last week while watching TBL, Bob lost it on a girl who didn't seem to be trying. His request (ok demand) seemed simple enough. Run for 30 seconds at 6.5 on the treadmill. I have been running 30 second sprints like these at 4.5 for the last couple of weeks and thought, "good grief girl, just stay on the treadmill for a flipping 30 seconds and you will be done!" I was pretty harsh in my judgement of her and while she may not have been pushing herself as hard as she could, I decided to see just how hard 6.5 for 30 seconds really is. I went Wednesday after spin class for my 1st attempt. I don't know what I was thinking! I had no legs left! I could barely do my 4.5 sprints. What was I thinking trying to jump to 6.5!!! Thank God Coach Mike was there to speak some sense in to me. I went back Friday for attempt #2. I DID IT! One time. I am done with that for now. I will never judge a contestant so harshly again, at least not until I have run 30 seconds in their shoes. In reality, I could feel the impact on my feet. Jumping from 4.5 to 6.5 is probably not the best idea from an "I don't wanna get injured" perspective. So I am now safely tucked in at a 5.0 speed and will work on doing longer sprints for a while instead of speed.
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